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Full speech
Sister, were there not before Inns, Yes I will say Inns, for my zeal bids me Say filthy Inns, enough to harbour such As traveled to destruction the broad way; But they more and more, more shops of Satan. Good works are done. But bad abound, surround, yea & confound us No matveile now if Play-houses increase, For they are all grown so obscene of late That one begets another. Nay and I have herd That in a—Tragedy, I think they call it, They make no more of killing one another, Then you fell pins. Law grows partial, And finds it but Chance-medley: And their Comedies Will abuse you, or me, or any body; We cannot put our moneys to increase By lawful Usury, nor Break in quiet, Nor put off our false wares, nor keep our wives Finer then others, but our Ghosts must walk Upon their stages. Thats nothing M rs Flowrdew, they will play The Knave, the Fool, the Devil and all for money. Be there not other Vocations as thriving, and more honest? Bailies, Promoters, Jailors, and Apparitors, Beadles, and Martialls men, the needful instruments Of the Republic; but to make themselves Such monsters? for they are monsters, th'are monsters, Base, sinful, shameless, ugly, vile, deformed Pernicious monsters Why then the City will in time be made And University of Iniquity. We dwell by Blackfriars College, where I wonder How that profane nest of pernicious Birds Dare roost themselves there in the amid of us, So many good and well disposed persons. Oh impudence! For Charity what is it? A good prayer. I have their custom too for all their feathers: It's fit that we which are sincere Professors Should gain by Infidels. Are you a Player? And is it lawful? Good sister lets convert him, will you use So found a calling? So irreligious? Only to gain by vice? No Sister, let us call up all our zeal, And try the strength of this temptation: Satan shall see we dare defy his Engines. Still it's a Mass, sister, away, I tell you It is a mass, a mass, a mass of vile Idolatry. Who be these? They look Like Presumption and Despair. These are the things indeed the stage does teach, Dear heart, what a foul sink of sins run here! It's well done, I hope he'll become a brother, and make A Separatist! I will no more of this abomination. Verily it's true. They are but wicked Synagogues where those instru ments Of Superstition and Idolatry Ring warning to sin, and chime all in to the Devil. Organs! fie on them for Babylonian Bagpipes! My indignation boileth Like a pot, And overheated pot, still, still it boileth, It boy leth and it bubbleth with disdain. Wants it a name? it's and unchristian virtue. I, this is he we looked for all the while! Scurrility! here she hath her impious throne, Here lies her heathenish dominion, In this most impious cell of corruption; For it's a Purgatory, a meerc Limbo, Where the black Devil and her dam Scurrility Do rule the rost; fowl Princes of the air! Scurrility! that is he that throweth scandals, Soweth, and throweth scandals, as 'twere dirt Even in the face of holiness, and devotion. His presence is contagious, Like a dragon He belches poison forth, poison of the pit, Brimstone, hellish and sulphureous poison: I will not stay, but fly as far as zeal Can hurry me—the roof will fallen and brain me, If I endure to hear his blasphemies, His graceless blasphemies. This gag hath wrought my good opinion of you There is good use indeed-la to be made From their Conversion. I hope there be no Cardinal Virtues there! Then I'll stay; I hate a Virtue That will be made a Cardinal: Cardinal virtues, Next to Pope -virtues, are most impious; And Bishop-virtues are unwarrantable: I will allow of none but Deacon-virtues, Or Elder-virtues. Are they Lay-vertues? What dance? No wanton Jig I hope, no dance is lawful But Prinkam Prankam! Oh Sister what a glorious train they be! Hereafter I will visit Comedies, And see them oft, they are good exercises!— I'll teach devotion now a milder temper, Not that it shall lose any of her heat Or Purity, but henceforth shall be such As shall burn bright although not blaze so much. Heathenish Glutton! Then they are lawful, Virtues in Order are unsanctified.
Plot summary
Plot — The Muses' Looking Glass
Bird and Mistress Flowerdew, Puritan residents of Blackfriars, bring their wares to the theatre, but are appalled when Roscius tells them they have been ordered for use as props in a filthy stage play. Roscius argues that they themselves make a living from the vice of vanity, and invites them to see the play before they condemn it; he will give them a running commentary on its moral import. Despite Roscius’ high claims, Comedy and Tragedy seem initially more concerned about the order of their precedence; they agree to spend a year in competition, staging examples of their respective genres, and whichever is adjudged the better will thereafter have the theatre to herself. The play is a series of episodes showing specific virtues to be the mean: an excess or a deficiency constitutes a vice. A lack of courtesy makes Dyscolus churlishly ready to pick quarrels, whereas too much of it makes Colax sycophantic, to such an extent that he hangs around for the rest of the play flattering all the other vices. Aphobus is over-confident and Deilus cowardly, afraid of his own shadow: they have respectively too much fortitude and too little. Temperance is the next example, illustrated by Acolastus the epicure and Anaisthetus the ascetic, followed by liberality, missing in Aneleutherus the miser and carried to excess in Asotus the prodigal. The over-ostentatious Banausus, full of extravagant schemes for public works, overdoes magnificence, whereas Microprepes balks at replacing a church steeple. (The Puritans in the audience 1630 approve.) Chaunus overvalues himself, and seeks inappropriate high offices, whereas Micropsychus thinks himself unsuited to even the meanest position. Meekness is quite absent from quarrelsome Orgylus, who persistently tries to provoke patient Aorgus to a fight, without success. The arrogant Alazon and the modest Eiron deviate from truth: one falsely claims personal qualities he lacks, the other denies those he does have. Philotimia is unduly fastidious about her appearance, whereas her slovenly husband Luparus would rather clothes had never been invented. The impudent bawd Anaiskyntia brings Kataplectus to visit Philotimia, but he is too bashful to speak to her in English. Philotimia appoints him her gentleman usher, and they go off together; it looks as if Luparus is going to be cuckolded, but he doesn’t care. The extremes of justice are next: Nimis is worldly and prone to accept bribes, adjudicating between litigants according to which can…