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Full speech
And I do think there is no pleasure at all But in contemning pleasures; Happy Niobe And blessed Daphne, and all such as are Turned stocks and stones: would I were Laurel too, Or marble, I, or any thing insensible. It is a toil for me to eat or drink, Only for nature's satisfaction; Would I could live without it. To my ear Music is but a mandrake. To my smell Nard sents of rue, and wormwood; And I taste Nectar with as much loathing, and distaste As Gall, or aloes, or my Doctors potion. My eye can meet no object but I hate it. Be not so foolish Brother Epicure. A Comedy? Sure I delight much in those toys; I can With as much patience hear the Mariners Chide in a storm. It's too much Labour; Happy Tantalus That never drinks. Yes Like and itch, For it's no better, I could wish and heir; But that I cannot take the pains to get one. True Matrimony's nothing else indeed But fornication licensed, lawful Adultery. Oh Heavens! how all my senses are wide sluices To let in discontent and Misery's! How happy are the moles that have no eyes; How blessed the Adders that they have no ears. They neither see, nor hear ought that afflicts them. But happier they that have no sense all; That neither see, nor hear, taste, smell, nor feel Any thing to torment them: souls were given To torture Bodies, man has reason too To add unto the heap of his distractions. I can see nothing without sense, and motion, But I do wish my self transformed into it. That is indeed a Prospect fit for me. Come away, Are you not ashamed to be so bashful? well, If I had thought of this in time, I would As soon have seen you fairly hanged as sent you To the University. A shamefast Scholar Madam —look upon her, Speak to her, or you lose your exhibition: —Yowl speak I hope, wear not away your buttons He dares not answer to that question Madam.— Nay all my cost I see is spent in vain; I having, as your Ladyship knows full well, Good practice in the Suburbs; and by reason That our Mortality there, is very subject To and infection of the French Disease, I brought my Nephew up 'ith 'Vniversity, Hoping he might (having attained some knowledge) Save me the charge of keeping a Physician; But all in vain: he is so bashful Madam, He dares not look upon a woman's water. A very good way; Kataplectus here's a Lady, would hear you speak obscenely: Off goes your Velvet cap! did I maintain you To have you disobedient? you'll be persuaded? What's that in English. Some more of this, it may be something one day. Your Laundress has bestowed her time but ill Why could not this have been in proper terms? If you should Catechise my head, and say, What is your name, would it not ay, a head? So would my skin confess it self a skin; Nor any partly about me be ashamed Of his own name, although I atechiz'd All over. Come good Nephew, let not me Have any member of my body . I commend him Madam, Unto your Ladyships service, he may me worser With counsel! let him be your Gentleman-usher; Madam you may in time bring down his legs To the just size, now over grown with playing Too much at football. It's but of Logic Madam.
Plot summary
Plot — The Muses' Looking Glass
Bird and Mistress Flowerdew, Puritan residents of Blackfriars, bring their wares to the theatre, but are appalled when Roscius tells them they have been ordered for use as props in a filthy stage play. Roscius argues that they themselves make a living from the vice of vanity, and invites them to see the play before they condemn it; he will give them a running commentary on its moral import. Despite Roscius’ high claims, Comedy and Tragedy seem initially more concerned about the order of their precedence; they agree to spend a year in competition, staging examples of their respective genres, and whichever is adjudged the better will thereafter have the theatre to herself. The play is a series of episodes showing specific virtues to be the mean: an excess or a deficiency constitutes a vice. A lack of courtesy makes Dyscolus churlishly ready to pick quarrels, whereas too much of it makes Colax sycophantic, to such an extent that he hangs around for the rest of the play flattering all the other vices. Aphobus is over-confident and Deilus cowardly, afraid of his own shadow: they have respectively too much fortitude and too little. Temperance is the next example, illustrated by Acolastus the epicure and Anaisthetus the ascetic, followed by liberality, missing in Aneleutherus the miser and carried to excess in Asotus the prodigal. The over-ostentatious Banausus, full of extravagant schemes for public works, overdoes magnificence, whereas Microprepes balks at replacing a church steeple. (The Puritans in the audience 1630 approve.) Chaunus overvalues himself, and seeks inappropriate high offices, whereas Micropsychus thinks himself unsuited to even the meanest position. Meekness is quite absent from quarrelsome Orgylus, who persistently tries to provoke patient Aorgus to a fight, without success. The arrogant Alazon and the modest Eiron deviate from truth: one falsely claims personal qualities he lacks, the other denies those he does have. Philotimia is unduly fastidious about her appearance, whereas her slovenly husband Luparus would rather clothes had never been invented. The impudent bawd Anaiskyntia brings Kataplectus to visit Philotimia, but he is too bashful to speak to her in English. Philotimia appoints him her gentleman usher, and they go off together; it looks as if Luparus is going to be cuckolded, but he doesn’t care. The extremes of justice are next: Nimis is worldly and prone to accept bribes, adjudicating between litigants according to which can…