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Full speech
Come, Sir, this sword be yours, and if you dare Maintain-the lists against me, as I fear Your blood is whey by this time, by your valour You may redeem your honour, and your sword. If not, I do proclaim thee here, no Knight, But mean to post thee up for a vile varlet, And the disgrace of Chivalry. If this stir thee not, Thy mistress is the blemish of her sex, A dirty filthy huswife. If your valour Lie in your backparts, I will make experience Whither a kick will raise it. Pray go fetch him Some aquam vitae: for the thought of steel Has put him in a swoon: Nothing revive you? Then will I keep thy sword, and hang it up Amongst my busk-points, pins, and curling-irons. Bodkins, and farthingales, a perpetual trophy Exit Phron. Sir, if you want a champion, I am for you. I must have a husband too, and I will have a husband; I, and I will have you: I can hold out no longer: I am weary of eat king choke and coals, and begin to dislike the feeding on oatmeal. The thought of so many marriages together has almost lost my maidenhead. You will let me make My own conditions. I will feed high, go rich, have my six horses, And my embroidered coach, ride where I list, Have all the gallants in the town to visit me, Maintain a pair of little legs to go On idle messages to all the Madams. You shall deny no Gentleman entertainment And when we kiss and toy, be it your cue To nod and fallen asleep.
Plot summary
Plot — The Jealous Lovers
Simo lives an ascetic life so that his son Asotus will inherit a large fortune. Asotus asks for money now, and is given some. His tutor Ballio persuades him that it is vulgar to carry his own purse, and undertakes to do so for him. Tyndarus and Techmessa are both prone to jealousy of their respective lovers, Evadne and Pamphilus; Tyndarus even doubts Evadne’s chastity when she kisses him over-enthusiastically. Asotus tries to chat up Evadne, but she refuses him. He manages to purloin one of her ear-rings and, to avenge himself for the rebuff, shows it to Tyndarus, who reacts predictably. Ballio makes a play for Techmessa by encouraging her to think Pamphilus unwilling to defend her honour, and she charges him to take Pamphilus’ sword from him. He steals it from Pamphilus’ page while he is delivering letters to Techmessa, then tells her that he was given it by Pamphilus rather than rise to the provocation to fight. The page summons officers to arrest Ballio, and he confesses the ruse. Asotus also admits his slander of Evadne, and both are allowed to choose their own punishment; they elect to cudgel one another. Techmessa and Tyndarus decide to test their lovers: Tyndarus asks Pamphilus to woo Evadne, and Techmessa asks Evadne to respond to Tyndarus’ advances; the result confirms them in their jealousy, until the situation is explained. Techmessa’s mother Dipsas is keen to cross Evadne’s love, partly because she resents the fact that Evadne was brought up in her household despite being another man’s child, and partly because she fancies Tyndarus herself. When the pair are due to meet at Ballio’s house, Dipsas persuades Ballio to fill it with debauchees. This is easy enough, because Asotus keeps company there with poets, soldiers, and a courtesan, Phryne, whom he intends to marry. Eavesdropping on the revelry, Simo falls in love with Phryne himself, until Asotus forcefully persuades him to back off and contribute half his estate to Phryne’s marriage settlement. Tyndarus and Evadne are disconcerted by the roistering going on at the house, and Tyndarus rescues her from unwelcome advances. He asks her for sex by way of reward, and is rebuffed—then explains that this was another test. Pamphilus also arrives at the house, to meet Techmessa, but his presence triggers Tyndarus’ jealousy, while Evadne’s does the same for Techmessa when she arrives. Tyndarus and Techmessa agree on a ruse, and solicit the help of Ballio and Asotus: they will feign suicide and see how…