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Full speech
Oh art thou there, Saint Dunstar? thou hast undone me, thou cursed Fryer Bacon, thou hellish Merlin: but I'll be revenged upon thee. It's not your Mephostopho is, nor any other spirits of Ruby or Carbuncle, that you can raise, nor your good father in law Doctor Faustus, that conjures so ma nigh of us into your Wives Circle, that with all their Magic, he shall secure you from my rage, you have set a Spell for any men coming into my house now. But thou hast bewitched my threshold, distur bed my house, and I'll have thee hanged in Gibbets for mur thering my Beer: I'll have thee tried by a Jury of Tapsters, and hanged in Anon anon Sir, thou dismal and disastrous Conjurer. I'll put out thine eyes, Done Canario, I'll scratch thee to atomes, thou Spanish Guzman. Yet I'll be revenged, you rascal, I do not fear the Spanish Inquisition, I'll run to the Council, and be tray thy villainy; I'll carry thee bound for a Traitor: but for you Sir, we had taken Cales, and might afterwards have con quered Lisbon, and Seville. You notorious villain, I knew thee for a Rogue at first, thy Ruff look't so Like the Moon Cres cent in 88. thy very breath is invincible, and stinks of and Armado. Well Diogen S, you were best keep close in your tub, I'll be revenged on you; I'll complain on you for keeping ill hours, I suffer nove after eight, by Saint Iohus, not I. Oh cry you mercy, you are the welcomest man on earth, Sir Signior Medico de campo, the welcmomest man living, the only man I could have wished for, Oh Aristip put, Aristippus. Oh no Sir, a learned Philosopher, one that I love with my soul: but in my rage I cannot tell you Sir, it's a dismal tale, the sharpest Razor in your shop would turn edge at it. Sir, yonder comes one of his Pupils. Oh pardon, pardon me, I repent Sir heartily, Oh Aristippus, Aristippus, I have broken thy head, Aristippus, but I'll give thee a plaster, Aristippus, Aristippus. Pray Sir do you think you can cure him? What of the Thumb? I have not herd of it as yet Sir. No Sir, but I pray tell the cure of the Thumb, do you still remember't Sir. There they be, now for the valour of Brewers, knock um soundly, the old Rogue, that's he, do you not see him there? soundly, soundly, let him know what Cham pions good Beer has. Now let them know that Beer is too strong for them, and let me be hanged, if ever I be milder to such Rascals, they shall find these but st le courtesies, He finds Po S. How now? what's her ? the learned Library, the Philosophical volumes: these are the books of the black-Art; I hate them worse than Bellar mine, the golden Legend, or the Turkish Alcharon. I wonder what virtue is in this p w er-faced Author, that it should make every one fallen into love with it so deeply: In l try if I can find any Philiru , He finds empty Pa pers. any love-potion in it: by my Domine not a drop; Oh stultum ingeniur hominum, to delight in such vani tie ! Sure these are Comments upon Tobacco, dry and j ice less vanities. I'll try again, by my bonafide, but this does relish some learning, still better, and admirable witty rogue, a very flash. I'l turn another leaf, still better, has he any more Authors Like this? what's here, Aristippus? a most incompa rabble Author, Oh Bodily, Bodily, thou hast not such a book in all thy Library, here's one line worth the whole Vatican. Oh Aristippus, would my brains had been broken out when I broached thy hogshead: Oh cursed Brewers, and most accur said am I, to wrong so learned a Philosopher as Aristippu ? what penance is enough to clear me from this impardona ble offence? twenty purgations are too little; I'll suck up all my Beer in Toasts to appease him, and afterwards live by my Wife and Hackneys. O, that I had never undertook this selling of Beer, I might have kept my house with Fell lowes Commons, and never have come to this: But now I am a Wild-man, and my house a Bedlam: Aristippus, A ristippus, Aristippus. Oh Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I do for thee, Aristippus? Oh Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I do for thee Aristippus? Oh Aristippus, Aristippus, pox on your Prester John Sir, will you think on Aristippus? Why? in my rage Sir, I have almost killed him, and now would have you cure him in sober sadness. Believe me neighbour, but that would be as great a wonder, as the Thumb, or Prester Johns head. Oh reverend Philosopher, and Alchemy of under standing, thou very Sack of Sciences, thou noble Spaniard, thou Catholic Monarch of Wines, Archduke of Canary, Emperor of the sacred Sherry, pardon me, pardon my rude ness, and I will forswear that Dutch heresy of English Beer, and the witchcraft of Middletons water, I'll turn my self into a Gown, and be a professed disciple of Aristippus.
Plot summary
Plot — Aristippus, or The Jovial Philosopher
Simplicius asks after the philosopher Aristippus in the Dolphin tavern, but is served the wine of the same name. On finding the right Aristippus, he enrols as a pupil, and is sworn in with an oath taken in drink. Aristippus encourages him to renounce beer and drink sack instead, to stay up at night, and to sleep in the morning. The Wild Man, who favours beer, beats Aristippus out of the tavern with the help of two brewers. However, he is quickly persuaded of the error of his ways, and seeks to make amends by fetching a surgeon to mend the philosopher’s head. The boastful Medico de Campo - who claims that he has treated many a world leader, and could even cure decapitation by making an artificial head - restores Aristippus to health with a draught of sack. For his reward, he asks that the Wild Man be forgiven, and the Wild Man promises that in future he will be Aristippus’ faithful disciple.