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Full speech
Factum, o fortuna, nequiter, quod istum obiecisti jàm tàm inep tum, tàm importunum mihi. Etsi nequicquam placeat, ta mèn cum inhumanam esse haud deceat; audiam quae loquatur. Aliam reperias quaeso, quam illudas; ego id agam sedulò sempèr, ut honesta sim, utcumque tibi videor. Praestaret domum reverti me, quam hic irrideri facetiis. Quin potiùs auferas animam hinc denuò. Frustrà laboratis, meos enìm amores jam ante altar possidet. Mihi abeundum est, cum vi deam vos irasci tantoperè. Convalescas ut lubet: me mul ta manent domi negotia. Tibi vero nullam fit quies, qui me ubique vexas. Vtinàm to oculi mei vel expi rantem jàm cernerent. Ego nec tu quid dicas, nec, ille me amet necnè, scio. Novi satis amores vestros, uno momento & incalescitis, & frige 'tis denuò. Esto: and itaque cuivis me ut dem, qui amat me? Dignissime Maecenas, con temnas tu istam, Rex tibi dabit conjum gem praestantiam dignam tua. To vero mentis inopem, quae oblatum hoc res puis aurum; hic tibi omniam tanquàm virgula divinam suppeditasset. Hei! nonne, nonne, no Pedantj. Num mater tua chartis vesci solitam, ut tu libros è mammis ejus sugeres? Eo quidèm minùs gratus hic mihi, acceptusque est, to quod habeat tàm ineptum adjutorem sibi. Quiescas quaeso tandèm, hoc que responsum feras, non posse me animum inducere meum to ut amem. Quare ne sis ampliùs posthac mihi molestus. Tandèm spero liberatam esse me importunitate tanta stolidi hujus, ex quo coetera faciliora erunt omniam: ut sciat haec Crobolus meus, quam pri mùm curabo. Et ego certè Pedantium hunc, etsi rejeci saepè (quod solemus omnes, ubi amamus plurimùm) tamèn exosa sum nun quam profectò. Said metuo malè, ne (cum re pulsam toties tulerit) jàm demùm friendship geat totus. Credo to hic excubias agere perpetuò, sic semper occurris mihi. Tu imperita es Tuscidilla, nec nôsti doctorum technas. Quid attinet reprimere dium tius quod nequit celari? Ego to (mi Pedanti) jàm diù quidèm amavi plum rimùm: said, ut tuam certiùs fidem experirer, non ausa sum id profiteri. Nunc cum to tentaverim satis, gaude, habe, accipe tuam tibi. Tibi quod gratum est, mihi & idem est gratissimum. Ego, ut hoc hominem repudiato inertissimum illum Crobolum elige remembering, Nunquàm faciam. And corvos? Crobole. Ego nisi to, volo neminem; sine quo vitam mihi acerbam ducam. Parvula quaedam restat nobis ista in re difficultas. Nam senex hic intùs decrepitus Charendas, nisi minas acci piat triginta, liberam me non di mittet. Triginta, nec obolo minùs. Nuqquid tu Lydiam tuam minoris estimares? Magnam certè res agitur: non solet iste ita dium deliberare, quicquid est benè coctum dabit. Tum ego dabo tibi me in per petuum, Pedanti. Postquàm intus curata sint omniam, ut oportuit, libet iàm paulispèr de mearum successu rerum cogitare. NAe fortuna ludis me miris miserisque modis. Naec eam dem de nuptiis quoties cogito, toties fluctuat magis men's meam incerta spe.
Plot summary
Plot — Pedantius
Crobolus and the schoolmaster Pedantius are rivals. for the love of Lydia. Crobolus asks his servant Pogglostus to bilkk money from Pedantius and his friend Dromodotus. After failing with a hard-luck story, Pogglostus robs them at sword-point. Crobolus wins Lydia’s love by entertaining her to dinner. He is slow to pay his landlady for the meal, but assures her he can easily trick the money out of Pedantius. Through the parasite Tyrophagus, he lets Pedantius know that a former pupil, Leonidas, has secured a position at court, and intends to use his influence to get a royal appointment for his old tutor. On the strength of this, Pedantius is persuaded to loan Leonidas money. Tyrophagus is bringing the cash back to Crobolus when he is robbed by Pogglostus, who doesn’t know that he and his master are in league. Pedantius tries to woo Lydia, but has less success, partly because he does it using academic logic and partly because she has already accepted Crobulus. In any event, whoever wins her will need to pay her avaricious master to manumit her. She feigns interest in him after hearing of his supposed successes at court, and he tries to raise the money by offering to sell his books to the audience. The tailor Gilbert pursues him for payment of his bills, but Pedantius only gives him a string of classical authorities and quotations; Gilbert threatens to sue him. Pedantius sends Lydia money and a ring, but the news comes back that she is dead. She has sent him back his ring, and, with her last breath, told him not to grieve for her, and to leave the country. Assured of her love for him, Pedantius complies and goes into exile. With him out of the way, Crobulus is free to marry Lydia, who is not really dead, using the money he has tricked out of the pedant. |