CRACKSTONE

¶Heavy in deed and as heavy as led, Either it is some of these same bremy quavers, or some kind of pricksong that runs in his head. Hear you Master Fortunio, by the honour of a Soldier, by the glow rye of a Captain By all the Pole-axes and tormenters, that These hands have slave, Do but scour your mind to Me, and shut up your grief: Either I'll find you some ease, or you shall be hanged for a thief. You know I am a good fellow, nothing venture nothing have, If I had not put my carcase to the Jibbet, I had not been thus brave. So now, if you venture not to show some trusty body your mind: It will be very long ere the dresser you find. And so peradventure you shall never be sped: For when the Cook is out of the way, you must go supperless to bed. ¶Do not I know her? what think the? As though ere a proper gentlewoman in Naples were out of quain tance with Me? ¶If this be all Sir, let Me alone, About your business you may be gone. I will feel Signior Fedeles mind very cunningly: And return you and answer of this gear presently. ¶This is as excrement for my proposition as can be desired, Soon at night Like the Schoolmaster will I be attire. First come, first served, if the maid be so friendly to let Me in: Then Sa Sa Sa, the battle will begin. With that Magnaniminstrelsie and mercy, that in Me doth floe: I'll make a conflict of the Mistress, and let the maid go. Farewell Silly Schoolmaster. this Injunction is not found in his Adverb I trow Exit. Soft, for it is night, I must not make any noise I trow: Me thinks this apparel makes me learned, which of all these Stars do I know. Yonder is the green Dog, and the blue Bear, Harry Horners Girdle, and the Lyons ear. Me thinks I should spowt Latin before I beware, Argus mecum insputare? Cur Canis tollit poplitem, Cum mingit in parietem? Alice tittle tattle Mistress Victoria's Maid: If I speak Like the Schoolmaster, she will never be afraid. As soon as she opens the door to let Me in: With my Ropericall aliquanci I will begin. Swinum, Velum, Porcum. Graye-goosorum iostibus: Enter Fede le and Pe dante. Rentibus dentibus, lofadishibus, come after us. I have berayed my self I think with speaking so high: This is Sir Fedele that is so nigh. Till he be passed it were not good for Me to appear: Therefore I'll slip into the Temple, and hide me in the Tomb that stands here. Devils were smocks, in this latter time. Such sights, as among the bones of the dead in this Tomb I have seen: Would have made any man but my self, out of his wits to have been. Good Lord: once me thought I saw my Grandam trot round about me in her grey petticoat and her read cap, Never since I was born, was I taken in such a trap. Another time me thought I saw the souls, of all them that died for love, Cry out upon Lady Vengeance, one that was such a fair woman as nothing could move. Little Cuprit him self in the bottom of hell: Cursed fair Lady Pilchard, for burning his skin with a Lamprel. This conjugation put me in a terrible fear, If it had continued longer, Termagant, Rawhead, Roast-meat, and Eatbread, and all the armies of Devils had been here. Whats this? somewhat I perceive they have let fallen for haste, And Image in wax very prettily cast. Fortunio is written in the forehead of the same, And jump upon his belly Victoria's name. This falls out very well for me, I'll send this to Fedele that he and Fortunio the same may see. This will make them to hate her wonderfully, Then shall I have her in spite of the pie. What have we here? a needle in his heart, And names of Augrem written round about it with Margaris art. Nettabor, Temptator, Vigilator, and Buffon. They come, they come, they come, 'tis time to be gone. Run away. ¶As trusty as steel: I have no fault but one, I am somewhat short in the heel. ¶ Basilus Codpiece for and old Manus, You shall not have her at rack and manger I trow: Somewhat by this for mine own proportion I know. When two bones are at strife for a dog, it is commonly seen: That the third comes and takes it, and wipes their mouths cléen. I mean as you see Me in this braualitie: To be a suitor to Victoriam with all profigalitie. I brought Butter and Cheese hither to vittaile the Camp a great while: Many times I would neck them of their measure, and the Soldiers beguile. Like a crafty knave, by this means I God so much gain: That I bought this apparel of a Captain that was slave. And wearing the same abroad as you see: The Soldiers all the town over, make a Captain of Me. One calls Me Captain Cheese, and other Captain Crust: And other brave Crack-stone, take which name you lust. The Gentlemen are every one glad of my company: Because I have such a wild worm in my head, as makes them all merry. The women they love Me, Victoriam is chief: But she hath been somewhat strange of late, therefore to be brief, I thought some straws were in the pad, that she looked so coy: But now have at her again, with a fresh head in my toy. I will first vnderproyn Sir Fedele his mind to understand: See good luck, his Schoolmaster and her Maid are at hand. As both of them friendly together do walk: I will sneke into a corner and Harken to their talk. step aside. ¶A rope on these passengers, I am in a miserable plighted, I think I shall not get out of this place this night. ¶I am so terrebinthinall and play such reaks when I come to the field: That mine enemies choose, rather to murder them selves then to yield. Whereby their Damned souls have so pestered all hell: That ther's no room left for women to dwell. Thus being thrust out of the place that is theirs by right: They are constrained into heaven to take their flight. ¶Beside that, I have as good luck as any man of my life, To find favour and friendship in Gentlewomen's eyes. I thank them they slout me to my face, when no other they mock, This was my father's craft, for he ever made my Mother to wrap Me in her smock. Give me good luck and throw Me into the Seas, Where women take a pitch, it is easy to please. ¶With and almond heart my girl I will follow Thee. Exeunt. ¶We have many good startoppes made her in the city, For publishing these vargery knaves that go up and down idly See how he is scapte, and shrinketh aside, My looks are to big for him too abide. T'is a wonder to see how they crouch where soever I come, If I stand they stoop, if I speak they are dumb. Mistress Victarrogantie hath sent for me, Her Chaplen against Fedele to be. If I kill him for her sake, and put him to shame, She hath promised me her love, to reward the same. ¶How am I bound to Mars, y to when my stomach so swells y to I am driven to lay out my heart in my hose, He sows up my gorget with the slaughter of my foes. I'll go put on my Horslittor, & the rest of mine Armour straight, And here about her house for him I will weight. Every night she says, he comes sneaking her by, But if he come now, I will handle him trimly. Exit. ¶Now shall my valerositie appear unto all, How I can kill men, and serve a woman at her call. My greatest grief is, that in doing this feat, I am sure my honour will not be so great. As when I give a charger to my foes in the open field, Or put Cities into sacks, and make thousands to yield. To bring Fedele to the Counter, is but to fight with a fly, There is neither praise, pride, nor providence in the victory. Therefore take heed Crack-stone what you do, You hazard your good name, your honour stands on tip toe. To kill a Gentlema ̄ y to never ought me malice, is more the ̄ cruelty, And to kill him for a woman, will bring me utterly to infancy. Shall I kill him then? peradventure yea: shall I let him go? Peradventure I may, peradventure no. O single devise, here is a brain I believe, Able to shoot birdboltes of inventio ̄ S, from my head into my sleeve. I will make a great noise before Victoria's door in the street, As though at this present with Fedele I did meet. Then will I run to her house amain, And make her believe that Fedele is slain. Then before that she hear any news of his life, I'll have her to the Priest, and make her my wife. Have even at it as well as I can, Fight with the Air. Ah Villains, thus many of you set upon a naked man. Draw on my good fellows and spare not, strike home, Ah cowardly Dastards, so soon be you gone? ¶Out alas where am I now? ¶The hunt is up, And fools be fledg'de before the perfect day. Shrink in & look out again. ¶Then let us away and our selves provide, Thou knowest the paruerbe, no body tarries for the tide. Exeunt. ¶See the force of love, how it is able for a need, To shroud a brave mind in a base kind of weed. Master Pediculus, or Pedantonie, I am not very prospect in your name, If this gear fallen out, I shall be bound while I live, to thank you for the same. ¶Farewell little Pastry, Exit. If I may meet with Mistress Victoriarie her. Thinking that Fortunio in this place, to her will appear. Either I will make her incant the former words that she spoke, When she defied me, & denied that she wild me to kill Fedele for her sake. Or I will back beat her, & belly beat her too too pitifully, You know love is a fire, and they say fire and water hath no mercy. But first I will speak her fair, because to be plain, Commonly fair fools make words and persuasions to be feign. ¶Come mine own Paragon, I know thou hast tarried for me all this while, Therefore follow me straight, least the lickorish Soldiers meet us, and me beguile. ¶And whowe too then, did you never see man before? I am not taken in deuowtrie, therefore wonder no more. ¶I steal nothing from women but their honesty: Which is as good, as he that robs the Printer of a Bible, because he would study Divinity. ¶I Ipse tipse, tittle, tittle este amen, Such a wench is not be found in the world again. I have herd it often, and now I do prove, That women are subtle worms for the conuariance of love. ¶Didst not thou tell me, that in this parrell mistress Victoriam I should see. This night in the street to be compensed of my injury, ¶Draw Villain. ¶What sturdy knave have we her in the street, To beg at this time of the night? Sirrah t'is not meet. Pack hence Sirrah I advise you, least I give you a souse, Or take Thee by the heels and throw Thee over the House. ¶What saucy knave, me thinks he doth prate, Dost thou know to whom thou speakest, or at whose gate? ¶If that victorious Prince of battle God March-beer, had not be a sleep, I had made you every one into corners to creep. T'is the Fortune of war, luck runs not ever to one side, Therefore I am content the prickatorie to abide. I am not strong Sampier to break out of your hands, But o y to some little ho ̄ gry Mouse, would gnaw a sunder my ba ̄ ds. I would give you such a frezado, or Can ̄ uazado, take which you please As should be small to your comfort, and little to your ease. ¶Thou art a Drab and a Quean, if my name be Crack-stone, you say? I was requested to this, both by Thee and Victoriam. ¶A rope on all whores, will you drink any Ale, I think she crowned me with a potle of stale. This drink was ill brued, and might have be sparde, The very grains of the Malt, sticks fast to my beard. ¶Alas good master Fedele, as you are a Gentleman, no farther let me go, I shall be chok'te with this dole, if you handle me so. Consider I am a man, subject to y e same pressing-iron of y e mind y e other me ̄ are, For the love of a woman, overwhelmed with care. I confess I am as you are, flesh & blood, and loved Victoriam so well, That I could have been content for her sake, to have gone quick to hell. Therefore forgive me, and if I take not your partly, and be revenged upon her, before I do rest, Set the gunshot of tyranny to the bulwarks of my breast. Cut off my Rams horns, and break into the belfry, And bless the cursed days of my virginity. ¶Unhood me I pray, I am as weary of my carriage as a Dog of his day. ¶Now I begin to feel my heart by little & little rise out of my hose, Yet the sent of this water, is still in my nose. I think I am the perplexionablest man that lives at this day, For I would feign be revenged of Victoriam, and I know not which way. ¶Gramercy Pediculus, thou art the comfortablest fellow that ever I did see, I think thou wast born under some merry Planet, in the time of diversity. ¶I'll believe Pediculus again another day, For yonder in Alice tittle tattles parrell the Mistress doth stay, Oh y to I had some of Pediculus School-butter to make me a lip salve, Or could but wet my tongue in his inkhorn, for women will Harken when we speak brave. Oh thou that carriest a ball of wild fire in thine eye, to burn up my heart, What shall I say more, to set out my smart. The time will not suffer to show my prosperity, Therefore I commit you to the Gods for lack of brevity. ¶God save the Princes grace, and put his enemies to shame. We are the Kings friends, I would you should well know, Therefore trouble us no farther, but let us go. The kings head is occupied with matters of great importunity, I know he is not conswapted, at this time to speak with me. We are peaceable people, we have no weapons here, We are neither drunk nor sober, nor make any steer. Get you to your places, keep the watch as you should, And we'll to our lodging you may be bold. ¶Then I pray you, what make you abroad so late? T'is longing to your office to keep the gate. As for our names, I know of no such commencement you have, Why you should be so pearchant the same to crave. ¶It is. ¶This is luck nidget with all my heart, ¶I am glad, that I have some body to take my partly. But o that my hands were at liberality now to strike, I would set my Gramariner a lesson to pike. ¶Bowl to thy biase, master Pediculus, I pray you take your wife, You and I for this matter will not stand at strife. Are you bememberde what you said when you constulted with me, To come hither in this parrell secretly. ¶Welcome with a Knaves name, I beshrumpe your guts. ¶Well sith there is no remorse of conscience to be found, How sayest thou Allice tittle tattle, art thou content by love to be bound? ¶I hold forty pound I am Uncled, I would Pediculus were her, I would meet with the scalde Squitterbe-booke for this gear. ¶My nose is jointed, I may go shoe the Gosling now if I will, He that eats with y e devil without a long spoon, his fare will be ill. What spirits of the Buttery were abroad this night, I have been so hard hearted to mine enemies, that I think all the Gods of love ought me a spite. I grant I am none of these fine Criminadoes, that can tumble in a Genlewoma ̄ S lap, and rumble in her ear, But without vantage be it spoken, I am as góod as the best at the push of a spear. I can cut and flash to make mine enemies to bleed. And prick it proudly I tell you, when I am surmounted upon my steed.