NOBODY

Come on mine own servant, some news, some news, what report have I in the country? how am I talked on in the City, and what fame bear I in the Court? Hanged, why man? Sure Somebody was the cause of all. And no body. But if my breeches had as much cloth in them, as ever was drawn betwixt Kendall and Canning street, they were scarce great enough to hold all the wrongs that I must pock : Fie, fie, how I am slaunderd through the world. Nobody keeps tall fellows at his heals, Yet if you meet a crew of rogues and beggars, Ask who they serve, theile answer Nobody. Your Cavaliers and swaggerers bout the town, That dominere in Taverns, swear and stare, Urge them upon some terms, theile turn their malice To me, and say theile fight with Nobody, Or if they fight, and Nobody by chance Come in to partly them, I am sure to pay for it, And Nobody be hurt when they escape scotfree: And not the dastardst coward in the world But dares about with me. What shall I do? Why so sir? And thou sayest true in that my honest servant, Beside, I am in great especial grace With the King Archigallo that now reigns In tyranny, and strange misgovernment, Nobody loves him, and he loves Nobody. But that which most torments my troubled soul, My name is made mere opposite to virtue, For he is only held peaceful and quiet, That quarrels, brawls, and fights with Nobody, He's honest held that lies with Nobodies wife, And he that hurts and injures Nobody, All the world says, ey thats a virtuous man. And though a man have done a thousand mischiefs, And come to prove the forfeit made to law, If he can prove he hath wronged Nobody, No man can touch his life. This makes me mad, This makes me leave the place where I was bred, And thousand times a day to wish me dead. Then I'll to London, for the Country tires me With exclamations, and with open wrongs, Sith in the City they affect me so. 'Tis a lie good man, believe her not, she was not with me. O monstrous, they would make me a whoremaster. I will endure no longer in this Climate It is so full of slanders, I'll to the City, And there perform the deeds of charity. Not with me. Oh intolerable! they would make me a drunkard to, I cannot endure any longer, I must hence, No patience with such scandals can dispense. The law of arms. Thats better then the Country. Who comes here? Ahem boy, Nobody is found yet for all his troubles. Oh this City, if Nobody live to be as old again, be it spoken in secret, I'll have fenced about with a wall of brass. I'll bring the Tems through the middle of it, empty More-ditch at my own charge, and built up Paul's-steeple without a collection. I see not what becomes of these collctions. I knave? But is it rumord so through out the City. Nay thats by Somebody. Indeed I have taken into my charge many a poor infant left to the alms of the wideworld, I have helped many a for tuous maid to a good husband, & never desired her maidenhead: redeemed many Gentlemens lands, that have thanked Nobody for it, built Pest-houses, and other places of retirement in the sickness time for the good of the City, and yet Nobody cannot get a good word for his labour. Yet this mad world shall not make me mad, I am All spirit, Nobody let them grieve, That scrape for wealth I will the poor relieve, Where are the Masters of the several prisons: Within and near adjoining to the City, That I may spread my charity abroad. Welcome Gentlemen: You are they that make poor men householders Against their wills, and yet do them no wrong: You have the actions, and the cases of your sides, While your Tenants in common, want money to fill them. How many Gentlemen of less revenues then Nobody, Lie in your Knights ward, for want of maintenance. But Nobody will be their benefactor. What in yours. Theres to release them. What in yours. Talk not of the Gail, 'tis full of limetwigs, lifts, and pickpockets. All that he in for debt. Nobody Sir will give a hundred thousand, Ten hundred thousand, Nobody will not have a prisoner, Because they all shall pray for Nobody. What outcries that? What on Nobody, give me my sword, my morglay, My friends, you that do know how innocent I am, Draw in my quarrel, succour Nobody, What Nobody, but Nobody remaining. Stand to me nobly then, and fear them not, Thy Master Nobody, can take no wounds, Nobody is no coward, Nobody Dares fight withal the world. What are they gone, then City now adieu, Since I have taken such great injury, For my good life within thy government: No more will Nobody be charitable, No mote will Nobody relieve the poor, Honour your Lord, and Master Somebody, For Somebody is he that wrongs you all. I'll to the Court the changing of the air, May peradventure change my injuries, And if I speed no better being there, Yet say that Nobody lived every where. I thank you sir. Why Nobody. I thank you sir, and were your beer tems water, Yet Nobody would pledge you, to you sir. I sir, too long, unless my entertain Had been more pleasing, for my life is sought, I am a harmless well disposed plain man, That injure none, yet what so ere is done Amiss in London, is imposed on me, Be it lying, secret theft, or any thing They call abuse, 'tis done by Nobody, I am pursued by all, and now am come, To see what safety is within the Court For a plain fellow. Oh do not blame me sir, Being pursued I fled, coming though Poule's, There Nobody kneeled down to say his prayers, And was devout I wis, coming through Fleetstreet, There at a tavern door two swaggerers Were fighting, being attached, it asked who gave The first occasion, it answered nobody, The gilded was laid on me, which made me fly To the Thems side, desired a Waterman, To row me thence away to Charingcross, He asked me for his fare, I answered him I had no money, whats your name quoth he, I told him Nobody, then he bade me welcome, Said he would carry Nobody for nothing. From thence I went To see the law Courts held at Westminster, There meeting with a friend, I straight was asked If I had any suit, I answered, yes, Marry I wanted money, sir quoth he, For you, because your name is Nobody I will solicit law, and nobody Assure your self, shall thrive by suits in Law, I thanked him, and so came to see the court, Where I am very much beholding to your kindness. I think yowl sooner kill me then any body, But let me rise again. Why then let me sir, I am Nobody, Thanks honest servant. For this isle carry thee into the Court, Where thou shalt see thy Master Nobody Hath friends will bid him welcome, so farewell, Oh excellent, admirable, and beyond comparison, I think my shape inchants them. Not I, I am and innocent, no Cheater, no Cozener, but a simple honest man, hunted from place to place by somebody. Yet there's one keeps a good tongue in his head, That can give Nobody a good report, I am beholding to him for his praise: But since my man so much commends the City, I'll thither, and to purchase me a name, Take a large house of infinite receipt, There keep a table for all good spirits, And all the chimneys shall cast smoke at once: There I'll give scholars pensions, Poets gold, Arts their deserts, Philosophy endue praise, Learning his merit, and all worth his meed. There I'll release poor prisoners from their dungeons. Pay Creditors the debts of other men, And get my self a name amongst Citizens, That after times partakers of all bliss, May thus record, Nobody did all this. Country farewell, whose slanderous tongues I sly, The City now shall lift my name on High. My name is Nobody, I thank you sir. Thats but one word, let two go to the bargain if it please you, why should I stay. Methinks your picture would do better for the picture of cowardice then mine sir, but pray whats your will with me. So have my betters abused Somebody in their time nay by faith that you cannot, for I have no body. You must either hit that or nothing. Yowl hardly find my joints I think to quarter me, I am so well fed, come on sir. Even as the rest, Are libels cast, if nobody did make them, And nobodies name to them, they are no libels, For he that sets his name to any slander, Makes it by that no libel, this approves He forged those slanderous writs to scandal me. And for false cards, and dice, let my great slops And his big bellied doublet both be sercht, And see which harbors most hypocrisy. By thy leave my sweet friend, Theres for thy farewell. I may choose whither isle answer your challenge by your leave. For what sir, pray why would you have me printed. Alas sir I am nobody at fighting, yet thus much let me tell you, nobody cannot run away, I cannot budge. They are the fairer mark a great deal, come on sir, come on What are you the better to have nobody at your mercy Alas my liege, your honest Nobody Builds Churches in these days, and Hospitals, Relieves the several prisons in the City, Redeems the needy debtor from the hold, And when this somebody brings infant children, And leaves them in the night at strangers doors, Nobody father's them, provides them Nurse's, What should I say, your highness love I crave, That am all joust. To prison, say you well, if I be guilty this fellow is my partner take him to. My liege, his words well suit unto his thoughts, He wishes no man Justice, being composed Of all deceit, of subtlety and slight, For mine own partly, if in this royal presence, And before all these true judicial Lords, I cannot with sincerenes clear my self, Of all suggestions falsely coined against me, Let me be hanged up sunning in the air, And made a scarecrow. My royal liege Why am I thus disgraced, I'll prove that slanderous wretch hath this all done. my Lord, you know that slanders are no proofs, nor words without their present evidence, If things were done, they must be done by somebody, Else could they have no being. Is corn hoarded, somebody hordes it, else it would be dealt, In mutual plenty throughout all the land, Are their rends raised, if Nobody should do it, then should it be undone. Is Base money stamped, and the kings letters forged, Somebody needs must do it, therefore not I, And where he says, great houses long since built, Lie destitute, and wast because inhabited, By Nobody my liege, I answer thus, If Somebody dwelled therein, I would give place. Or would he but allow those chimneys fire, They would cast clouds to heaven, the Kitchen-food It would relieve the poor, the sellers beer, It would make strangers worser ink, but he commits These outrages then lays the blame on me, And for my good deed, I am made a scorn. I only give the tired a refuge seat, The vnclothd garments, and the starved meat. Yes dread Queen, I must confess these things are daily done, For which I here accuse this Somebody, That every where with slanders dogs my steps, And cunningly assumes my borrowed shape, Women lie out, if they be took and found with somebody, then Nobody goes clear, Else the blames mine, he does these faults unknown, then slanders my chased innocence for proof. somebody does maintain a common strumpet ith Garden-allies, and undid himself. somebody swaggered with the watch last night, was carried to the counter. somebody once picked a pocket in this Playhouse yard, Was hoisted on the stage, and shamed about it. Well hath the King decreed, now by your highness patience let Nobody borrow a word or two of Euery-bo die. My hearts in my hose, but my face was never asha med to show it self, yet before king or Keyser.