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Full speech
Not yet (Mistress Dorothy.) Now I have drunk a cup of Sack, I must be in love with one of them, him that seems most worthy of a gentleman. Pray you Sir, did you take up a Gentleman's glove? As I am a Gentleman I shall be most careful to give your deservings their endue commendations. You are a stranger Sir, and it may give occasion of jealousy. But I am my Ladies Gentleman: I keep the key of her secrets, and if you please, her closet shall conceal you; where you may dispose of Suckets and Eringoe's for your refreshment. I pray Sir, call not a gen tleumans freeness immodesty. Truly Sir, a man could not stand better in the conceit of a gentleman at first sighed, then you do in mine. I hope your goodness will not misconstrue my readiness to humble my desires to your disposing. Sir, you appear so repleat with goodness, that I presume you cannot but answer the desires of a gentle uman, who proft ates her love at the feet of your ac ceptance. I understand you not. Fie little one, that you should so offend the chased ears of a Gentleman. But to you Sir, the Loadstone of my heart, that turns it self at your motions pointing still to the North of your Love. And since the ardor of my desires have urged my blushes to discover them; let not your appearing worth suffer such a disparagement to conte ne a Gentleman's willingness. Unfortunate Gentleman as I am, to be thus re jected. Truly young Gentleman, I do not know what I may do when you come to your full growth. Cry you mercy little Sir; you may be the father of dwarves. The sack begins to leave working and by this time my Lady expects her gentleman. Farewell, un kind Sir. Alas Mr. Warrant how can a poor Gentleman deserve it? A pardon! bless me, for what? Are you earnest? Who Mr. Spruce? but have you charng'd him? And your quarrel my love. Well Mr. Warrant; I know a Gentleman hath interest in a Lord at Court, who hath long been inward with her. I'll warrant your par done. But my Lady expects me. Indeed Mr. Spruce and I love you. Truly Mr. Warrant and I love you. Mr. Spruce and Mr. Warrant, send but for one bottle of Sack, and be friends; I'll love you both. Though I am but a waiting-uman, I have more wit then to believe this is earnest. As if I did not know them to be as arrant Cowards, as a Justices Clerk or Gentleman Usher can be; and deserve rather to be whipped by a Satire, then rewarded for their valours with the love of a gentleman. But Mr. Spruce do you mean to fight? As how? the means. As I am a Gentleman Mr. Spruce, if you kill him fairly in a duel; and upon no base advantage I'll do it. By no means at this time. I'll kiss you at the gallows. My Lady. Neither can a Gentleman be in love now and then out she is censured. And the latter great fools. I would not now for all the Sack in Spain my loving humour were upon me. This dumb Gentleman would make me forswear the quality. Madame. Come Mris Dorothy; here's a Moon would make a great bellied uman long for green chief. Me thinks it's pleasant taking the air by Moonshine. A fig for these Physical observations. I have known a Doctors prescriptions cast down a Gentleman for three quarters of a year. But if ever I lie under any of them for the green sickness. Why I do not mean naughtiness. But what do you think made me so earnest to have you hither? No such matter. I'll not drink a drop more till towards supper. I brought you to see a Duel. My Ladies Gentleman, and Mr. Warrant. And that's a terrible one. But I saw the Cutler bring him a sword; I saw it naked, which was enough to fright many a gentleman. I saw him try it on a bar of iron in the kitchen; and many more fearful preparations. By no means, unless there were more dan her. It'll be mirth for this twelvemonth, if our eyes (through this imperfect Moonlight) can but reach the sighed of them. What confident daring will be betwixt them at some great distance? The love of a Gentleman, I assure you. No otherwise indeed. My beauty is the object of their valour. The Combatants will enter presently. The Knight of the Inkhorue, and the Knight of the Spanish Needle. For you to make them Ladies, as you have done me. Indeed they might serve by Moonlight; the day perhaps would discover a greasy Gentry. It's ordinary for a waiting-gentleman but newly made a Lady to forget her self. But see, I am pre vented from proceeding. Let us observe. See Mistress, there's the other. Me thinks I perceive them stand. Dissolved them rather into gelley. Now could I fancy in my imagination what they say. Mr. Warrant. Oh that I had this Coward Spruce here: I would dismember him; and then what Gentleman would care a rush for him? Now Mr. Spruce hath studien the Arcadia. He says. O that I had this Warrant here It would cut him into atomes; that wheresoever the Sun shines, the trophces of my renowned victory might be visible. Who are these? observe. Mistress Dorothy, I have fastened on a design for rare sport. My friends. Will you do a courtesy for a Gentleman? You seem to be valiant. Perceive you not two men yonder in several places? For any manhood that's in them. If you will but Beatrice them a little, beside a Gentleman's thanks, some oh there reward shall attend it. You may trust the word of a Gent euman. Nay: pray you stay a little longer. Madame. I would not for th'exchange your Ladyship were a man. I should run mad, for love of your La diship. I hope your Ladyship hath a better opinion of your uman, then to be earnest because she jests. A very handsome gentleman. I wonder no wor thy Gentleman is in love with him: Does your truly and so do. And w ll your Ladyship discover this to me? Truly I mean not to be degraded from your Ladyships uman, to hold the door, and cry, my Master's coming. How, call my Master! Did ever any Lady en joy a friend in a corner, and wish her Husband (who is sufficiently jealous already) to see it! Now as I am a Gentleman, and had rather be a Lady, it's not my mind. But is your Ladyship earnest? But I am resolved not to obey your Ladyship. Shall I that am my Ladies Secretary as it were, be treache rous to her secrets? Then let me not be counted a gentle uman. If it please your Ladyship I'll tell him you intend such a thing that he may prevent it. You shall command a poor Gentleman any thing; neither do I expect reward. I only desire you will accept it as and act of my love. But why should you be jealous of my Lady. Alas Sir, and old man raise a Gentleman. Truly Sir, if my Lady knew how much I loved you, 'twould make her jealous. They are going to it, and here's a little one will tell. Pray sir, can you keep counsel? Indeed they and children are kin. Then I shall love you heartily. But pray Sir, no meddling with a gentleman's apron. Here's that will help your growth: Please you to partake. Sack I assure you Sir; and I hope you will love poor gentleman's as she loves you. Madame. I saw your Ladyship do nothing yet. I run then, and dare not look back for fear of blushing. I'll fetch it. If not a man, what then is it? Now I protest Mr. Warrant, you wrong the love of a Gentleman, in not imparting the cause of your dis content. Come not fees in roundly? Do not the Delin quents understand, I'll speak a good word for you? THanks honest Nicholas. It's time to cover: my La die will to supper so soon as my Master comes home. He brings strangers with him. This Butler is the kindest fellow to a Gentleman; and deserves my love more for this bottle of Sack, then Warrant or Spruce for fighting. Come thou inspirer of a diviner soul, that teachest my steries, of which without thee none are capable: to be valiant; to love; to Poetise: suffer a thirsty gentleman to delight her dry palate with thy sweet moisture, and re fresh her spirits with thy comfortable operation. (Drinks) Excellent Sack, as I am a Gentleman. Now am I in love with my old Master for buying it; with the Vintner for selling it; with the Drawer for drawing it; nay, with the very Porter that brought it home: but most of all with kind Nicholas for bestowing it upon me; good heart, he hath v nt ed a chiding if it should be missed. (Drinks.) What foolish Poets were they that made the more foe lish gods drink Nectar! Had Apollo presented Daphne but with a cup of such Sack, sh e would have loved him, as I worser e Nicholas: but not to lie with him. A gentle uman must not humble her self to a Butler. (Drinks.) My Lady. Fie Mr. Spruce and Mr. Warrant, how loud you are my Lady hears your noise, and is offended. Truly Sir, if I am with child, but with a bottle of Sack.
Plot summary
Plot — Covent Garden
Dungworth comes to London from the country with his servants, Ralph and Dobson, intending to sell some of his lands and buy himself a knighthood. Artlove aims to woo Dorothy Worthy, and Mistress Tongueall offers her services as matchmaker —but also helps the foolish Littleword to the same ends. Hugh Jerker's objective is to cuckold Dorothy's father, Sir Generous Worthy: Lady Worthy was Jerker's mistress before she was forced to marry Sir Generous to get her away from him. Warrant and Spruce are both interested in the waiting-woman, Susan, and meet to fight a duel over her. Warrant has taken the precaution of procuring an advance pardon for killing Spruce, and Spruce anticipates that, if he kills Warrant, Susan will save his life with a gallows wedding. In the event, both are too cowardly to fight, and Susan and Dorothy, who are watching, engage Dobson and Ralph to attack them. Both talk their way out of a beating, leaving behind clothes and money. The servants consider taking up robbery as a profession. They have an altercation with Dorothy's brother, but Artlove intervenes and sees them off. Young Worthy vets his rescuer as a potential brother-in-law, and recommends him to Dorothy. She resents this interference, but eventually accepts Artlove. At the tavern, Ralph and Dobson are arrested for the robbery and brought before Sir Generous; but Warrant refuses to admit that he was robbed, and the case collapses. Ralph and Dobson conduct a mock-trial, with themselves as judge and constable, and use the opportunity to pass satirical comment on several characters.Lady Worthy arranges an assignation with Jerker, and asks Susan to be the lookout. Instead, Susan fetches the jealous Sir Generous, who arrives to see hiswife kissingJerker. Jerker suggests that he should divorce her; but she explains that the assignation was set up to cure her husband's jealousy.