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Full speech
Would! what's here! Courtship on all hands? Mr. Jerker, you are welcome, I hope; having failed in his old, he hath not a new suit; that as I made her a Lady, she should bestow and hornourable Crest up on me. Son, school your Sister. Come with me Wife. Would! my son here, and Mr Jerker! I came i'th' person of authority, Invited by your noise. But that put off, Out of my love born to the general good, I do advice you to be temperate: That the fair Hope's conceived of growing virtues Might not be lost. It's pity that your wits, Which (joined with some experience) might deserve To fill the seats of Magistracy, and be A speaking law) should spend themselves in places And acts of sin and shame; wherein severity Of law and government must not be partial. Therefore I pray no more of these disorders. You have said to satisfaction And more then I expected. Hark you son. Pretty sweet Gentleman. Is't possible That one so young, should have so grey a wit; It's wanting many times in graver beards. Please you Mr. Jerker, to bring these Gentlemen to my house to supper. You'll find some empty dishes. This was very good Sack, neighbour. Pray send me home a dozen Bottles. And keep good order. You are very cou to ou, neighbour. Will you go along with me Gentlemen! You shall now make trial of my professed love. I have brought you some guests Wife. Send your entertainment be worth their labour. I fear you are too free that way. I am yet a man, and my declining age Hath not so weakened judgement in me, That passion should betray my jealous thoughts. Nor can I but suspect, and must be satisfied. Her woman is the instrument. Mris. Susan. Ask me no idle questions, but do it. Thou mayest be a Lady thy self, if it lie in my power to raise thee. That's my fear. Wife, forgo these found thoughts, and with care apply your self to entertain these gentlemen. I'll to my closet. It's assented to. Nay more, I'll give you all her portion back: Nor shall the least disquiet in my thoughts Make me remember it. Think not (young man) mine age So weak but I can conquer passion. My act sh l instantly have confirmation; And be a president where such inequality Of years are joined. I hear strange words Which must be scanned and construed. The World reputes me A man of full discretion; and mine age Is not so rotten yet, to betwice child. Hence ye vain jealousies, that in love diseased Are peccant humours: therefore must be purged. Come to my bosom pattern of true goodness. Near more those bugbears to the minds blessed quiet Shall fright thee thence. Good Sir forgive The rashness of my passion. I'll no more Be jealous of your visits; but desire The love I bear your person may beusefull To all g odd ends. Whence grow's this exultation? Do you love him? If he be found deserving In the dependences on blood and fortune I shall consent, and then may mutual love Render you happy. Supper not ready yet my servants are musi call; please you Gentlemen to dance a little. It's a health full exercise; bid them prepare their instruments. Come, come, settle to it. I love to see a nimble activeness In noble youth; it argues active minds In well shaped bodies, and begets a joy Dancing within me. I shall respect him Mris. Tongall. Mr. Con stable I do conceive and abuse done to my person, in that you here traduce two strangers, pretending appointment, when none will accuse them; nor can I suddenly disco for the error. No swearing Constable; I have determined to confer a power upon the accused, to judge both it and you; and the most offenders shall suffer what shall be endue. No more of this modesty: I'll have it so; and exercise your wit. I have known a Country fellow full of knavish clinches. He hits you home Wife. You begin now to overdo. You are bitter now: it's time to resign. When Wit makes not abuse it's exercise, The users of it then are truly wise: But it's a foolish Vanity, not Wit, When Conscience bounds are broke to practice it. Out of my warring thoughts discretion Would horder'd a resolve, whose practice shall Preserve my credit. Though I much wonder A woman's smooth hypocrisy should make Even her secretest actions to appear Most virtuous; yet in this to stain her whiteness. Welcome neighbour Tongall: what mean these people? Whom, an't please you, Master Con stable. Is't no otherwise? it shall raise some mirth. Pray let's uphold the jest. I'll not spare mine own person. Your servant's witty.
Plot summary
Plot — Covent Garden
Dungworth comes to London from the country with his servants, Ralph and Dobson, intending to sell some of his lands and buy himself a knighthood. Artlove aims to woo Dorothy Worthy, and Mistress Tongueall offers her services as matchmaker —but also helps the foolish Littleword to the same ends. Hugh Jerker's objective is to cuckold Dorothy's father, Sir Generous Worthy: Lady Worthy was Jerker's mistress before she was forced to marry Sir Generous to get her away from him. Warrant and Spruce are both interested in the waiting-woman, Susan, and meet to fight a duel over her. Warrant has taken the precaution of procuring an advance pardon for killing Spruce, and Spruce anticipates that, if he kills Warrant, Susan will save his life with a gallows wedding. In the event, both are too cowardly to fight, and Susan and Dorothy, who are watching, engage Dobson and Ralph to attack them. Both talk their way out of a beating, leaving behind clothes and money. The servants consider taking up robbery as a profession. They have an altercation with Dorothy's brother, but Artlove intervenes and sees them off. Young Worthy vets his rescuer as a potential brother-in-law, and recommends him to Dorothy. She resents this interference, but eventually accepts Artlove. At the tavern, Ralph and Dobson are arrested for the robbery and brought before Sir Generous; but Warrant refuses to admit that he was robbed, and the case collapses. Ralph and Dobson conduct a mock-trial, with themselves as judge and constable, and use the opportunity to pass satirical comment on several characters.Lady Worthy arranges an assignation with Jerker, and asks Susan to be the lookout. Instead, Susan fetches the jealous Sir Generous, who arrives to see hiswife kissingJerker. Jerker suggests that he should divorce her; but she explains that the assignation was set up to cure her husband's jealousy.