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Full speech
Gentlemen my self, and all that depends on my self, or on any thing that hath dependence on my self, is at your service. Sweet young Gentleman, you are the Epitome of a fair body, and shall command the Commander of my self and family. I will but present a glass of Greek Sack to the hands of a noble Lord, and return to serve you. Now Gentlemen dispose of your servant. How I nought I who drew it? name but your drawer; he is punished while you pronounce it. I'll not keep and offensive mouse that eats the crumbs under my ta ble, but shall pay his life to do you service. I am bound to serve you Gentlemen, and I wish my roof were worthier, and my disordered household ordered to your content. Gentlemen, your servant will send his servants to wait upon you presently. What Gentlemen, none to attend you? (whooh) And unlooked for happiness that my unworthy self is preferred. I am the servant of my servant that shall serve you. And unless he serve you he is not my servant. I'll tunre them all away presently for this neglect of your worthy Persons. I can assure you Gentlemen, the Grape from whence this Sack was pressed— I would have fetched it farther Gentlemen to do you service. A voyage to the Indies should be no more then a descending into my cellar, and up again. Gentlemen; I intended a pair of Scales with a glass of Wine in one Balance, and a piece of gold in the other, or a jewel. Sweet Gentlemen, I am the servant of your noble wits. I must kiss the a re hand of and honourable Lord, who is now departing: I will then return to be disposed by you. The best order that can be kept in my house or any office of my house shall be at your Worships sir vice. Worthy Sir, I have now made ready a room to entertain your worthy person. My house was so crammed with Lords; and this especially with most choice gentle men, some of the admired wits, to which very name I owe respect and service. Questionless, Sir, there are of the wits some mercenary ones, whom your money may command to be your servants. But these are of a nobler strain. Howsoe for, I will upon the next occasion show my desire to do you service. Sweet Mris. Tongall, my best tongue, and all is at your service. I kiss the hand of your servant. Noble sir, I presume to present my desires to do you service. I retribute all endue thanks for your kindness, that you would do me so great and honour. What will that Gentleman with his table-book! (Whooh) be nimble sirrah; and bring of my kingdom (that's my word for good wine) that it may wait on these Gentlemen. Sure this Gentleman write's what I speak. I hope 'twas not treason to say my Kingdom. I would I knew what he were. Kind and worthy Sir, my life is your servant for this noble care. Sir, I owe your goodness all that ever I have been, am, or shall be. He writes again. To undo me. Sir, I desire you will command all that is to be commanded in my house to do you sir vice. Yes, yes; he writes again. Alas Sir, Mris Tongall, 'twas not neighbourly done of you to bring and informer into my house . I believe it, to undo a poor Vintner, that cannot compliment a Gentleman into a ten pounds ex pence; but his neck must be in danger. Sir, if I were a King I would be your servant. He writes again. Alas, Sir, I, am undone then. Yes, yes; to apprehend me. I fear I shall be proved both. Mr. Constable, I am your servant, I hope you suspect no Traitors in my house. If you do, they shall wait upon you into the Cellar; and there commit what treason you will against as good Sack as is in the King of Spain's Dominions. The Gentleman writes still. I am ut terly lost. I fear I must wait upon the Gallows. Yes, yes; a mere plot to go along, that he may witness against me. Most gladly Sir, and be your servant. But how shall I be sure of it? I am satisfied: and will be your servant in any thing but treason. Let me be your servant Mr. Constable, and light you down. I hope my house will receive no scan dall by this. You'll do me honour to pay it there. Ten thousand welcomes wait upon you Gentlemen (who ) Come sirrah, be the Mercury of neatness, and nimbly set this disordered room in order. Then give the gentleman below notice, that it is now ready to do him service: He's Like to be a bountiful guest. He talks of selling his Land, and being a Wit: but how can that agree together I yes, very well. A country Gentleman to S ll his land, is as it were to change his copy: leave his known trade to project a better profit. Which changing of Copy here with us, ends many times in the city freehold at Lord gate.
Plot summary
Plot — Covent Garden
Dungworth comes to London from the country with his servants, Ralph and Dobson, intending to sell some of his lands and buy himself a knighthood. Artlove aims to woo Dorothy Worthy, and Mistress Tongueall offers her services as matchmaker —but also helps the foolish Littleword to the same ends. Hugh Jerker's objective is to cuckold Dorothy's father, Sir Generous Worthy: Lady Worthy was Jerker's mistress before she was forced to marry Sir Generous to get her away from him. Warrant and Spruce are both interested in the waiting-woman, Susan, and meet to fight a duel over her. Warrant has taken the precaution of procuring an advance pardon for killing Spruce, and Spruce anticipates that, if he kills Warrant, Susan will save his life with a gallows wedding. In the event, both are too cowardly to fight, and Susan and Dorothy, who are watching, engage Dobson and Ralph to attack them. Both talk their way out of a beating, leaving behind clothes and money. The servants consider taking up robbery as a profession. They have an altercation with Dorothy's brother, but Artlove intervenes and sees them off. Young Worthy vets his rescuer as a potential brother-in-law, and recommends him to Dorothy. She resents this interference, but eventually accepts Artlove. At the tavern, Ralph and Dobson are arrested for the robbery and brought before Sir Generous; but Warrant refuses to admit that he was robbed, and the case collapses. Ralph and Dobson conduct a mock-trial, with themselves as judge and constable, and use the opportunity to pass satirical comment on several characters.Lady Worthy arranges an assignation with Jerker, and asks Susan to be the lookout. Instead, Susan fetches the jealous Sir Generous, who arrives to see hiswife kissingJerker. Jerker suggests that he should divorce her; but she explains that the assignation was set up to cure her husband's jealousy.