MISTRESS FERRET

Sir, the respects I bear you, and the obedience I owe my husband that commanded it, brought me over willingly to offer my service to so noble a friend. A rot on the best linings of your three piled durable; your everlasting almanac of high days, feasts and sessions: was it my desire? Thou liest thou wrong side of a lawyer turned outward: I had better business at home. I could have seen if mother Whirl had spun the last pound of flax I sent her, or called at Knocks the weavers for my new Napkins. I have no maids to cudgel their tasks out of. Indeed I can hardly keep any for such a goat as thou art. May she make him a happy wife; and prove obedient from my example. I cannot in obedience but allow of his wisdom. Thou changeling nursed with the milk of and ass whence thou derivest thy great empty noddle: must you hinder a good motion? Are there not cuckolds enough already? And Mistress Bride! send you joy. You are complained of by these— Is she not your wife? Truly Mistress Bride I should be glad to apprehend you in bed together: 'twas expected all had been cock sure by this. 'Twas but a plot of your old foster father to pretend mar rying her himself when he meant her only for you. To express it more fully, and how deer you are to him, he hath conserred his whole estate upon you. My Worship full husbands hand is to the writing. Is it so sir? as if my word were not sufficient! Command both me and mine husband. And welcome with my husbands good liking. To your house? as if the entertainment of constables on a sharing day were not chargeable enough, but you must compliment a way wine and sweet meats. It's enough that we wish them well; let others do them good. The motion's good: it should have been mine sir. You shall see the feathers of a Phoenix; the beak of a Pelican, and the skins of irds, beasts and fish, stuffed with hay, enough to bring down the marker. For coins and medals he hath those with inscriptions that speak their date 500 years before the use of letters. He hath the fingers and toes of a Colossus, and three hairs of a giants upper lip, each of them as big as a bull rush. Then he hath the the members of a pignie, that cannot be discerned but through a multiplying glass. Yet it is thought he would gladly partly with all he hath for the Philosophers stone; I or the Unicorns horn at Windsor. My husband will still be before me, to prevent the a men of a shrew. Fer. and Hort. whisper. These gentlemen are witnesses to the old men deeds, as well as my worshipful husband Are you making motions now, before I can recover breath to begin my exordium as my son at the University taught me to say. Neighbour Horten it's thus. My self and my husband have this day been eyewitnessesses of strange accidents; chance upon chance, and fortune upon fortune: one disaster hath been the cause and cure of another. Now we desire the fa vour that we may see your trinkets, knaks and knaveries (par done me neighbour I mean no hurt) to delight this melancho lick gentlewoman that hath found and lost, and lost and found a husband yet no husband— And shall we see all? The great Sea horse what you call that cures women of the cramp. What justice sir? My husbands name is Ferret: what's your business sir? With what tro? a reproof or a jeer out of your ta ble book notes, enlarged with a piece of a charge; then with a half bribe and single fees they are released to boast how cheap they have escaped. Come come you shall back to this house, and be see vere, and wise and say little, let mine be the speaking partly, yours the doing: I'll make them come off and on roundly. Do you think I can keep house with bore warrants and mittimuses? Please these gentlemen to walk a turn or two with her? The evening's pleasant if the missed rise not. We will along with you ir to this righteous— No sir it's routous place; and my husband shall ferret the he thieves and the she thieves holes never fear it. Truly neighbour it's not so much worth. pray neighbour let's see the late giants boot, and the dwarves shoe. Extremes sir! me thinks their differences should make a very good mean. Suppose the one was a great drinker or wencher; the other must needs be a little one. What the one wasted in boots the other sav's in shoes. But I'll in to the woun dead gentleman, and help to talk away his pain. Hath Monsieur given you the slip as he gave us? He may chance be catched in a halter for it. They shall have my husbands authority with them; we'll make you a warran . Exeunt. Good. remembering . A simple one sir; one I mean that uses no come pounds. How sir! One of the great mogul's stones, My husbands authority sir is both wise and powerful But hers a delinquent must be punished. Obedience forbid it; my head: or if I may use the honourable phrase here without offence, my cap of maintenance. How sir lubber, must the world take notice by you that I have faults or modesty to excuse them? I'll make thee come plain a month of the fairies for this: the fairies of my nails I mean; and pretend pinching for pissing in thy shoes, or such night uncleanness. So, so: I thought a City seast with a Ram-mutton pasty, and a twelve nookt custard, made with carriers eggs and the out scrapings of I inglas, must tempt you to the charge of six pence over, and six pence back again. Which with and addition of Clerks fees shared, and some garrisoned westphalian neats tongue or read deer pie out of my Chamber cupboard, might have been and entertainment for the Master's of the Parish in your own dining room; and all have been paid for too with the return of half emptied bottles. Fie, sweet heart now you flatter. It's virtue enough in us to be obedient and dutiful: we should lay our selves under our husbands feet if they command it. But i'll exalt my self or somewhat else above your head, you malkin of suburb autho rity set up only to fright crows from the carrion of the common wealth, that it may lie still and corrupt government. Your wor ship had best bind my tongue to the peace, my nails should soon bail it. Soft Music. What will you do? If thou dost the least wrong to the loving couple, though I burn for it, I will roast thee alive and fell thy greasy kidneys for kitchenstuff. Kickshaw enters with plate under his cloak. Talk your fill sir, while I drink mine. drinks. By all means neighbour; you are and officer. Truly sir my neighbour is very skilful; he cured my little shock of the mange so perfectly, that it hath famed him through the neighbourhood for and excellent dog-leech. Let me speak sir parrat; must you be repeating your sessions lecture, and I in place? Indeed Mr. Raven you escaped a scouring in your bel lie: if you had miscarried, the Monsieur for all the separation be betwixt his doublet and breeches should have trust for't, but that h is run away.