TRAPDOOR

A letter from my Captain to your Worship. To be a shifter under your Worships nose of a clean trencher, when ther's a good bit vpon't. As two crafty Attorneys plotting the undoing of their clients. Moll cutpurse sir. Aswell as I know 'twill rain upon Simon and Jude's day next, I will sift all the taverns ith city, and drink half pots with all the Watermen ath bankside, but if you will sir I'll find her out. No sir no, a little sindgd with making fire works. O sir that all the poor soldiers in England had such a leader. For fetching no water Spaniel is Like me. I'll cut her comb for you. The gingling of Golden bells, and a good fool with a hobbyhorse, will draw all the whores ith to wneto dance in a morris, And when her breeches are off, she shall follow me. Zounds sir, as country wenches beat cream, till butter comes. Her life. Spoke Like a Worshipful bencher. This is the goll shall doot. My name sir is Ralph Trap-door, honest Ralph. As fast as your sole to your boot or shoe sir. The trapdores set. Moll if you budge you're gone: this me shall crown, A Roaring Boy, the Roaring Girl puts down, Mass here she is. Enter Ralph Trap-door I'm bound already to serve her, though it be but a sluttish trick. Bless my hopeful young Mistress with long life and great limbs, send her the upper hand of all balifes, and their hungry adherents. A poor ebbing Gentleman, that would gladly wait for the young flood of your service. The love I bear to your heroic spirit and mascu line womanhood. Of two kinds right Worshipful: moveable, and immovable: moveable to run of arrants, and immovable to stand when you have occasion to use me. Strength Mistress Mol, I have gone up into a steeple, and stayed the great bell as 'thas been ringing; stopped a windmill going. Stood as upright as I do at this present. I am of that nature where I love, I'll be at my mi stress foot to do her service. Life I have kept a bridge my self, and drove seven at a time before me. But they were all Lincolnshire bullocks by my troth. I humbly thank your good Mistreship, I'll crack your neck for this kindness. She told me Gr ies-Inne fields betwixt three & four, I'll fit her Mistreship with a piece of service, I'm hired to rid the town of one mad girl. What a pox ails you sir? Heart, is the field so narrow, or your eyesight: Life he comes back again. I cannot tell sir. Coxcomb. I hope there's law for you sir. Heart this is no good dealing, pray let me know what house your off. Mass so me thinks. I Like you the worse because you shift your lodging I'll not meddle with you for that trick sir. (so often You'll give me leave to pass about my business sir. How sir, serve you, not if there were no more men in England. Mistress. What would your Worship have me do. No, I praise heaven, I had better grace & more manners. Life, 'thad be a beastly partly of me to have drawn my weapons upon my Mistress, all the world would a cried shame of me for that. Do not say so Mistress, I knew you by your wide straddle, as well as if I had be in your belly. Thank your good Mistreship. No more suits then backs Mistress. Thank your good Worship. I follow my deer Mistress. A Ducks egg sir, a duck that has eaten a frog, I have cracked the shell, and some villainy or other will peep out presently; the duck that sits is the bouncing Ramp (that Roaring Girl my Mistress) the drake that must tread is your son Sebastian. As the tongue of and oyster wench. As a barbars every Saturday night—mad Mol. Must be let in without knocking at your back gate. Your chamber will be made baudy. She comes in a shirt of male. Yes sir or a male shirt, that's to say in men apparel. Close to your son: your son and her Moon will be in conjunction, if all Alminacks lie not, her black saueguard is turned into a deep slop, the holes of her upper body to button holes, her waistcoat to a doublet, her placket to the ancient seat of a codpiece, and you shall take they both with standing collers. As every throng is sure of a pickpocket, as sure as a whore is of the clients all Michaelmas Term, and of the pox after the Term. Three. This. As the devil does for the death of a baud, I'll watch her, do you catch her. They are made. (maintain't. Stiffly; as a Puritan does contention, Fox I owe thee not the valve of a halfpenny halter. I'll do'tpresently, through a Tavern grate, drawer: pish. What says my brave Captain male and female? That S because Lawyers walks to and from in't. Stand Mistress do you not smell carrion? Some poor wind-shaken gallant will anon fallen into soar labour, and these men-midwiues must bring him to bed i'the counter, there all those that are great with child with debts, lie in. Like your new maypoll. A course, Captain; a bear comes to the stake. Shu, is this a rescue Gentlemen or no? In men apparel sir, I am in her heart now, And share in all her secrets. I warrant you for that now, next Sessions rids her sir, This watch will bring her in better then a hundred constables. That will do well to bring the watch to light sir. And worth a thousand of your Headborowes lanthorns. She cannot miss it sir, I see't so plain, that I could steal't my self. You cannot assure that sir. Being a stout girl, perhaps shee'l desire pressing, Then all the weight must lie upon her belly. You're of my mind for that sir. It's well for her, that she must have her choice, he thinks nothing too good for her, if you hold on this mind a little longer, it shall be the first work I do to turn thief my self; would do a man good to be hanged when he is so well provided for. Shall we set upon the infantry, these troops of foot? Zounds yonder comes Mol my whorish Master & Mistress, woe ld I had her kidneys between my teeth. Zounds I am so patched up, she cannot discover me: we'll on. Good your Honours, and Worships, enlarge the ears of commiseration, and let the found of a hoarse military or gan-pipe, penetrate your pitiful bowels to extract out of them so many small drops of silver, as may give a hard strawbed lod ging to a couple of maimed soldiers. Not in the Low countries, if it please your manhood, but in Hungary against the Turk at the siege of Belgrad. Many Hungarians, Moldauians, Valachians, and Tran siluanians, with some Sclavonians, and retiring home sir, the We netian Galleys took us prisoners, yet freed us, and suffered us to beg up and down the country. O sir, from Venice to Roma, Vecchio, Bononia, Romania, Bolonia, Modena, Piacenza, and Tuscana, with all her Cities, as Pistoia, Valteria, Mountepulchena, Arrezzo, with the Siennois, and diverse others. Your Worship will not abuse a soldier. The balls of these glasiers of mine (mine eyes) shall be shot up and down in any hight piece of service for my invincible Mistress. Alas sir, now there's no wars, it's the safest course of life I could take. As any walks the high way I assure you. My doxy I have by the Salomon a doxy, that carries a kitchen mort in her slat at her back, beside my dell and my dainty wild deal, with all whom I'll tumble this next dark men in the strommel, and drink been baufe, and eat a fat gruntling cheat, a cackling cheat, and a quacking cheat. My doxy stays for me in a bousing ken, brave Cap taine. Do but strowle sir, half a harvest with us sir, and you shall gabble your bellyful. I'll have a bout if she please. Been mort, shall you and I heave a booth, mill a ken or nip a bung, and then we'll couch a hogshead under the Ruff men, and there you shall wap with me, & I'll niggle with you. Cut benar whiddes, and hold your fambles and your stamps. That was my desire Captain, as it's fit a soldier should lie. It's fadoodling: if it please you. Thanks to your Lordship. We shall cut been whiddes of your Masters and Mi streship, wheresoever we come. Else trine me on the cheats: hang me. Without any more maundring I'll doo't, follow brave Tear-Cat. Your son, and that bold masculine ramp My mistress, are landed now at Tower. I herd it now reported. Is the wind there now? It's time for me to kneel and confess first, For fear it come too late, and my brains feel it, Upon my paws, I ask you pardon mistress. I have be from time to time hired to confound you, by this old Gentleman. Pray forgive him, But may I counsel you, you should never doo't. Many a snare to entrapp your Worships life, Have I laid privily, chains, watches, Jewels, And when he saw nothing could mount you up, Four hollowhearted Angels he then gave you, By which he meant to trap you, I to save you.