WITGOOD

A LL's gone! still thou'rt a Gentleman, that's all; but a poor one, that's nothing: What Milk brings thy Meadows forth now? where are thy goodly Uplands and thy Down-lands, all sunk into that little pit Lechery? why should a Gallant pay but two shillings for his Ordnary that nourishes him, and twenty times two for his Brothel that consumes him? but where's Long-acre? in my Uncle's conscience, which is 3. years voyage about; he that sets out upon his conscience, never finds the way home again, he is either swallowed in the quicksands of Law-quillits, or splits upon ̄ the Piles of a Praemunire; yet these old Foxe-braind—and oxe-browde Uncle's, have still defences for their Avarice, and Apologies for their practises, and will thus greet our folly's. He that does his youth expose, To Brothel, drink, and danger, Let him that is his nearest Kin, Cheat him before a stranger. And that's his Uncle, it's a principle in Usury; I dare not visit the City, there I should be too soon visited, by that horri ble plague my Debts, and by that means I lose a Virgins love, her portion and her Virtues, well, how should a man live now, that ha no living; hum? why are there not a million of men in the world, that only sojourn upon their brain, and make their wits their Mercers; and am I but one amongst that Million and cannot thrive vpon't; any Trick out of the compass of Law now, would come happily to me. My loathing; hast thou been the secret consumption of my purse? and now comest to undo my last means, my wits? wilt leave no virtue in me and yet thou never the better? hence Cur tizan, round webd Tarantula. That driest the Roses in the cheeks of youth. For give I do thee wrong, To make thee sin, and then to chid thee fort. Stay best invention,—stay. I prithee, make me not mad at my own weapon, stay, (a thing few women can do I know that, and therefore they had needs wear stays;) be not contrary, dost love me? Fate has so cast it that all my means I must derive from thee. Spoke Like and honest drab i'faith, it may prove something what Trick is not and Embrion at first, until a perfect shape come over it. So, so, so, thou shall presently take the name and form upon thee of a rich country widow four hundred a year vam liant, in Woods, in Bullocks, in Barns and in Rye-stacks, weel to London and to my covetous Uncle. Mine Host? Dost thou joy in my advancement? Comes my prosperity desiredly to thee? I would brought her from her friends, turned back the Horses by a slight, not so much as one amongst her six men, goodly large Yeomanly fellows, will she trust with this her purpose: by this light all unmanned; regardless of her state, neg lectfull of vainglorious ceremony, all for my love; o it's a fine little voluble tongue mine Host, that wins a widow. How the devil came he not by it, if you put in the devil once riches come with a vengeance, has been a Trampler of the Law sir, and the devil has a care of his footmen, the Rogue has spied me now, he nibbled me finely once too; a pox search you, o master Dampit, the very Loins of thee; cry you mere cy master Gulf, you walk so low I promise you I saw you not sir? And nyer hell by a foot and a half then the rest of his fellows, but my old Harry. It a merry world when thou camest to town with ten shillings in thy purse. And when to the seller again? Didst thou so old Harry ? Tramplers of time. Ah thou'rt a mad old Harry ? kind Master Gulf, I am bold to renew my acquaintance. Uncle I thank you. Will you but hear what I can say in my joust excuse sir. You that know my danger ith City sir so well, how great my debts are, and how extreme my Creditors could not out of your pure judgement sir, have wished us hither. My credit? nay my countenance, push, nay I know uncle you would have wrought it so by your wit you would have made her believe in time the whole house had been mine — La you there; well, let e'm all prate what they will ther's nothing Like the bringing of a widow to ones Uncle's house. There they may be bold. Troth I think I can uncle. Pray command one of your men hither Uncle. I would sent sir? Heaven forbid Uncle? Troth I confess it Uncle, I was too blame there, but in deed my intent was to have clapped it up suddenly, and so have broke forth Like a joy to my friends, and a wonder to the world, beside there's a trifle of a forty pound matter toward the setting of me forth, my friends should never have known on't, I meant to make shift for that my self To me alas, what do you mean Uncle? Y'aue no reason for that Uncle. Nay and you say so Uncle, here's my hand, I will not doote — Good Aunt— And the wit in the pommel, good Master Same freedom's I return the salute. Uncle? My Uncle was desirous to see you widow, and I prae summed to enuite you. Sir — Alas sir, I know not how she would take it: Why alas, my Creditors? could you find no other time to undo me but now, rather your malice appears in this then the justness of the debt. I pray speak low sir, what do you mean? What can be kept so Close but you creditors here on't, well, 'tis a lamentable state, that our chiefest afflicters should first hear of our Fortune's, why this is no good course i'faith sirs, if ever you have hope to be satisfied, why do you seek to con found the means that should work it, there's neither piety, no nor policy in that, shine favorably now, why I may rise and spread again, to your great comforts. Remove me now, and I consume for ever. How can it thrive which from the Sun you sever. O then show patience, I shall have enough to satisfy you all. For look you, I am but newly sure yet to the widow, & what a Rend might this discredit make: within these 3. days will I bind you lands for your securities. I know you have been kind, how ever now either by wrong report, or false incitement your gentleness is iniurde, in such a state as this a man cannot want foes. If on the sudden he begin to rise, No man that lives can count his enemies. You had some intelligence I warrant ye, from and ill-willer. I, why there it was, I knew it so, but since you are so well resolved of my faith towards you, let me be so much favoured of you, I beseech you all — As to lie still a while, and bury my debts in silence, till I be fully possessed of the widow, for the truth is, I may tell you as my friends — I am to raise a little money in the City, towards the set ting forth of my self, for mine own credit, and your comfort, now if my former debts should be divulged, all hope of my pro ceedings were quite extinguished! You do so ravish me with kindness, that I'm con strainde, to play the maid and take it? Fah— Believe it firmly. Not I believe it. I know e'm. Say you so, why here's my hand then no man living shall do't but thy self. I faith shalt thou? Would it all in Plate, You have the better term by my faith Excellent, Wench, make up thy own Fortune's now, do thy self a good turn once in thy Days, he's rich in money, moveables, and lands, —marry him, he's and old doting fool, and thats worth all, marry him, twould be a great comfort to me to see thee do well i'faith, —marry him, twould ease my conscience well to see thee well destowd, I have a care of thee i'faith. I reach at farther happiness; first I am sure it can be no harm to thee, and there may happen goodness to me by it, prosecute it well, lets send up for out wits, now we require their best and most pregnant Assistance! Heaven knows he never meant it? O for more scope, I could laugh eternally, Give you joy Mistress Hoard, I promise your fortune was good forsooth, y'aue fell upon wealth enough, and there's young Gentlemen enough can help you to the rest; now it requires our wits: carry thy self but heedfully now, and we are both— Cuds me, remove thy self a while, isle serve for him? The same to you kind Uncle. O no question of that sir? The sooner the better Uncle, o she's mightily fol lowed, — Mightily? here comes one old Gentleman, and heel make her a jointure of three hundred a year forsooth, another wealthy suitor will estate his son in his life time, and make him weigh down the widow, here a Merchant's son will possess, her with no less then three goodly Lordship's at once, which were all pawns to his Father. O my precious Uncle. Rest your self here a while widow, we'll have a cup of Muscadine in this little Room. But do you hear sirrah. What is there provided for dinner Against you are ready to drink to me, widow, isle be present to pledge you. I must request you sir, to show extraordinary care, my Un cle comes with Gentlemen his friends, and 'tis upon a making? Who he widow? Withal my heart ifayth, isle bring you to her? How now, boy, drawer. Went the Gentlewoman up that was here? Out sir? Hoard, death and darkness, Hoard. How now, what news, where's the widow? More madness yet. Poor soul he knew not on't. Thats all my comfort Uncle, would, would, would. Now may events fallen luckily, and well, He that never strives, says wit shall never excel. To be born from me by that lecher Hoard. I beseech you Gentlemen. To gladsome, to be true. Nothing afflicts me so much, But that it is your Adversary, Uncle, And merely plotted in despite of you. I know it sir? I were worse then a beast else ifayth. Heaven forbid else. Alas a thing quickly done Uncle. Pray let me understand you rightly, Uncle, You give it me but in trust. That is, you trust me with it. But if ever I trust you with it again, would I might be trust up for my labour. He has no conscience, faith would laugh at them, they laugh at one another? Who then can be so cruel, troth, not I, I rather pity now, then ought envy, I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness, I have no lay sure yet, to laugh at their follies. Thou soul of my estate I kiss thee, I miss life's Comfort when I miss thee. O never will we partly again, Ʋ ntill I leave the Sighed of men, We'll never trust conscience of our kin, Since Cozenage brings that title in. My last joy was so great it took away the sense of all future afflictions, what a day is here orecast? how soon a black tempest rises? You do well my masters, to tiranize over misery to of flect the affl cted, 'tis a custom you have here amongst you, I would wish you never leave it and I hope yowl do as I bid you Pray sirs yowl give me Breath. Will you but here me speak? Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I'll make you ample Satisfaction. 'Tis true, beasts know no reasonable time, Alas what good will my carcase do you? I perceive I must crave a little more Aid from my wits, do but make shift for me this once, and I'll forswear ever to trouble you in the Like fashion hereafter, I'll have better em ployment for you, and I live. Yowl give me leave my masters to make Trial of my friends and raise all means I can. O art thou come! No by my faith canst thou. I am in hell here and the Devils will not let me Come to thee. I when your mischiefs spent. Well, what then? you will pay none of my debts I am sure. Shall I remember thee of and other promise far stronger then the first. Hark in your ear.—will he come of thinkest thou, and pay my Debts roundly. Excellent. A my troth I could not, for my creditors cruelties ex tend to the present. You're impudent, isle call up witnesses. Would you so, I thank you for that sir, I cannot blame you ifayth. Are not words promises, and are not promises debts sir. My Uncle with l never endure me, when he shall hear I set my hand to a release: Say you so sir? Proceed then, I consent. What a precious fortune hast thou slipped here Like a beast as thou art? well Master Hoard, give me the pen, I see 'Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny. Troth, and it were pit y of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge i'faith. I hope to bring it to pass my self sir? I'll try these fellows now, —a word sir, what will you carry me to that widow now? Farewell and be hanged, you short-pig-hayrde Ramehead ed rascals, he that believes in you, shall never be saved I warrant him, by this new league, I shall have some access unto my love — A words enough. Let the Usurer cram him, in interest that excel, There's pits enough to dam him, before he comes to hell. In Holborne, some: in Fleetstreet some, Ʋ Ʋ here ere he come, there's some there's some. Nay uncle, let me prevail with you so much, I'faith go, now he has enuited you, Why la, I thought where I should find you presently; Uncle, a my troth, 'tis nothing so. No by my troth is he not Uncle. Will you have the truth out, he is married to a whore i'faith. Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find it not so and that 'tis I that have married the honest woman. And see'te you shall, or I'll never see you again. Negatur, sequela maioris, Uncle, he that knows a woe man to be a quean, must needs be a knave, I deny that. And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness sir, and were both drunk vpon't. Nay now you wrong her sir if I were she idem have the law on you for that, I durst depose for her, she never had come mon use, nor common thought. Alas sir, I was prick tin conscience to see her well bestowed and where could I bestow her beter then upon your pitiful worship: excepting but my self, I dare swear she's a Virgin, and now by marrying your Niece I have banished my self for ever from her, she's mine Aunt now by my faith, and theres no Meddling with mine Aunt you know, a sin against my Nuncle. I must confess my folly's, I'll down to And Here for ever I disclaim, The cause of youths undoing. Game: Chiefly dice, those true outlanders, That shake out Beggars, Thieves and Panders, Soul wasting Surfeits, sinful Riots, Queans Evils, Doctors diets. Pothecaries Drugs, Surgeons Glisters, Stabbing of arms for a common Mistress, Ribbon favours Ribald Speeches, Dear perfumed Iacketts, pennyless breeches, Dutch Flapdragons, healths in Urine, Drabs that keep a man to sure in: I do defy you all. Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise, A reclaymde man loathing the general vice. Mass that's true, the Jest will be of some continue ance, let me see, Horses now, a bottes on em; Stay, I have acquaintance with a mad Host, never yet Bawd to thee, I have rinzde the whoresons gums in Mull-sack many a time and often, put but a good Tale into his ear now, so it come off cleanly, and there's Horse and man for us I dare war rant thee. Why then all's furnished; I shall go nigh to catch that old Fox mine Uncle, though he make but some amends for my undoing, yet there's some comfort in't — he cannot other wise choose (though it be but in hope to cozen me again) but supply any hasty want that I bring to town with me, the De vice well and cunningly carried, the name of a rich Widow, and four hundred a year in good earth, will so conjure up a kind of Usurers love in him to me, that he will not only desire my presence, which at first shall scarce be granted him, I'll keep off a purpose, but I shall find him so officious to de serve, so ready to supply, I know the state of and old men of fection so well, if his Nephew be poor indeed, why he lets God alone with him, but if he be once rich, then heel be the first man that helps him. I owe thee for that Jest, be gone, here's all my wealth; prepare thy self, away? I'll to mine Host withal possible hast, and with the best Art, & most profitable form, pour the sweet circumstance into his ear, which shall have the gift to turn all the wax to honey; how no; o the right worshipful Seniors of our Country — What Geldings are in the house of thine own? answer me to that first. Mark me what I say, I'll tell thee such a tale in thine ear, that thou shalt trust me spite of thy teeth, furnish me with some money, will, nille, and ride up with me thy self Contra voluntatem et profession em. Now sir, the case stands thus, good mine Host, if thou lovest my happiness assist me. Nay thats not all neither, prithee take truce with thy joy, and listen to me, thou knowest I have a wealthy Uncle i'th City, somewhat the wealthier by my folly's; the report of this fortune well and cunningly carried, might be a means to draw some goodness from the Usuring Rascal, for I have put her in hope already of some estate that I have either in land or money: now if I be found true in neither, what may I expect but a sudden breach of our love, utter dissolution of the match, and confusion of my Fortune's for ever. With thee? why will I desire to thrive in my purpose? will I hug four hundred a year? I that know the misery of nothing? will that man wish a rich widow, that has never a hold to put his head in? with thee mine Host, why believe it, sooner with thee then with a Couy of Counsellors? Hard at Parke-end. Why there we let off together, keep full time, my thoughts were striking then joust the same number. Our merry nights—which never shall be more seen. Hast thou the writings? Prithee stay, and behold two the most prodigious ras calls that ever slipped into the shape of men, Dampit sirrah, and young Gulf, his fellow Caterpillar. Herd of him? why man he that ha lost both his ears, may hear of him, a famous infamous Trampler of time; his own phrase: note him well, that Dampit sirrah, he in the un even Beard, and the Serge cloak, is the most notorious, usum ring, blasphemous, Atheistical, Brothel, vomiting rascal, that we have in these latter times now extant, whose first begin ning was the stealing of a masty Dog from a Farmers house. True, the next Town he came at, he set the Dogs to gether by'th ears. Holla. A plot, a plot: to Boat she's stole away. Follow, inquire, old Hoard my Uncle's Adversary— Thrice miserable wretch. What would you with me now, my Uncle's spiteful adversary. You will not see me now, the comfort is ere it be long you will scarce see your selves. I have been laying all the Town for thee. Will the report of a Widow of four hundred a year boy, make thee leap, and sing, and dance, and come to thy place again. I am sorry you take it in that sense sir. My life. So it followed indeed, and being destitute of all Fortune's, stakte his Masty against a Noble, and by great for tune his Dog had the day, how he made it up ten shillings I know not, but his own boast is, that he came to town but with ten shillings in his purse, and now is credibly worth ten thousand pound? Of what Sir? How could you hear of that sir? Upon my life my Uncle's adversary. As I could wish it. Who but old Hoard, my Uncle's adversary? I thats most certain. Twould call shame to thy cheeks. Not for any defect of Love I protest Uncle. So maliciously. Else my Uncle's house, why tad been the only make— Match.— Welcome good master Cockpit! would, would, would? why is not this better now, then lying a bed, I per ceiue there's nothing conjures up wit sooner then poverty, and nothing lays it down sooner then wealth and lechery? this has some savour yet, o that I had the mortgage from mine Un cle as sure in possession as these trifles, I would forswear Brothel at noon day, and Muscadine and eggs at midnight. With his confederates. I when 'Tis thou perjured Woman, Oh no name Is vild enough to match thy treachery, That art the cause of my confusion. O Gentlemen!— Why la, you are so hard a belief Uncle, by my troth she's a whore. Negatur Argumentum Uncle.