HOARD

Shall my adversary thus daily afront me, ripping up the old wound of our malice, which three Summer's could not close up, into which wound the very sighed of him, drops scald king Led instead of Balsamum. Was it the partly of a friend: no, rather of a Jew, mark what I say, when I had beaten the bush to the last bird, or as I may term it, the price to a pound, then Like a cunning Usurer to come in the evening of the bargain, and glean all my Hope's in a minute, to enter as it were at the backdoor of the purchase, for thou never camest the right way by it. Thou that canst defeat thy own Nephew, Lucre, lap his lands into bonds, and take the extremity of thy kindreds forfeitures because he's a rioter, a wast-thrift, a brothell-mai ster, and so forth— what may a Stranger expect from thee, but Ʋ ulnera delacerata, as the Poet says, delacerate dealing? What's all to thee? nothing, nothing; such is the gulf of thy desire, and the Wolf of thy conscience, but be as sured old pecunious lucre, if ever fortune so bless me, that I may be at leisure to vex thee, or any means so favour me, that I may have opportunity to mad thee, I will pursue it with that flame of hate, that spirit of malice, unrepressed wrath, that I will blast thy comforts. I will so cross thee, So without mercy fret thee. Dost scoff at my joust anger? o that I had as much power as usury ha over thee? Toad! Serpent. Heaven forbid but you should fir, I ever told you my Niece, stood otherwise affected. Give you joy Mistress Hoard, let the kiss come about, Who knocks? convey my little Pig-eater out. Gentlemen keepe'm out. He has assistants, Gentlemen. Freely sweet wife. Most true, A taylor, o very good, you shall serve to make all the Liveries—what are you sir? A Barber very needful, you shall shave all the house, and if need require stand for a Reaper ith Summer time,— You sir? Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho—and you sir? There boy, there boy, there boy? I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come, I promise you my Masters I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all, I put you already into my countenance, and you shall be shortly in my livery? but especially you two my olly Fawlkner, and my bonny huntsman, we shall have most need of you at my wives Manor-houses ith Country, there's goodly parks and Champion-grounds for you, we shall have all our sports within our selves, all the Gentlemen ath Country shall be beholding to us and our pastimes: Body a me? Wife, you're too bitter? Master Wit-good, and you my Masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and this it is, tas been my fortune, Gentlemen, to have and extraordi nary blessing poured upon me alate, and here she stands, I have wedded her and bedded her, & yet she is little the worse, some foolish words she hath passed to you in the Country, and some peevish debts you owe here in the City, set the Hares head to the Goose—giblet, release you her of her words, and isle release you of your debts sir: O welcome, welcome, we lack still such guess as your worships. Why do we meet else man? So, so, all friends, the wedding dinner cools, Who seem most crafty prove oft times most fools. In regard of those two 'tis hard but you shall sir. How a rich Country widow? Yea? So, so, what suitors has she? Would? art certain he's her suitor? A very Rascal: The spume of a Brothel-house. Attend me about 5. Fool thou hast left thy treasure with a thief, to trust a widower with a suit in love, happy revenge I hug thee, I have not only the means laid before me, extremely to cross my adversary, and confound the last Hope's of his Nephew, but there by to enrich my state; augment my reuennewes, and built mine own Fortune's greater, would, would. I'll mar your phrase, ore-turne your flatteries, Undo your windings, policies, and plots, Fallen Like a secret and dispatchfull plauge on your secured come forts, why I am able to buy 3. of Lucer, thrice outbid him, let my out-monies be reckoned and all. Peace? Good, his creditors, isle follow, this makes for me, all know the widows wealth & 'tis well known, I can estate her fairly, I and will. In this one chance shines a twice happy Fate, I both deject my foe, and raise my state. Art thou the widows man, by my faith she as a come pany of proper men then. Come, come, thou'rt modest, theres a Brace of royals, prithee help me to'th speech of her. Go too do't I say, thou shalt hear better from me. Now my deer Gentlemen stand firmly to me, you know his folly's, and my worth. upon my honesty I chosen this time, A purpose, fit, the spendthrift is abroad, Assist me: here she comes now my sweet widow, Dispatch, sweet Gentlemen, dispatch, I am come widow, to prove those my words, Neither of envy Sprung nor of false tongue's, But such as their desar S and Actions, Do merit and bring forth, all which these Gentlemen well known and better reputted will confess. And that will driven it home, Follow hard, Gentlemen, follow hard? There, take her at the bound,— I'll make her a jointure say. Withal my heart widow, thanks Gentlemen, I will deserve your labour, and thy love. Well said, widow, well said, thy Love is all I seek, before these Gentlemen. My joys are such they want to be expressed, Hark thee widow, train out young Wit-good single, hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before the hour where at the place appointed these Gentlemen and my self will wait the opportunty, when by some slieght removing him from thee we'll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry thee away by boat to Coale-harbour, have a Priest ready and there Clap it up instantly, how likest it widow? I'll kiss thee for those words, come Gentlemen, Still must I live a Suitor to your favours, Still to your aid beholding. 'Tis for your honours Gentlemen; nay look toot, Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel, No more sweet widow, but sweet wife, farewell. Niece, sweet Niece, prithee have a care to my house, I leave all to thy discretion, be content to dream a while, isle have a husband for thee shortly, put that care upon me wench, for in choosing wives and husbands I am only fortunate, I have that gift given me. Hist— Pist Drawer,— Prethe ask at the Bar, if a gentlewoma ̄ came not in lately? What is that Florence? a widow! How? A merry knave i'faith, I shall remember a dutch widow the longest day of my life. What's that sweet Gentlemen, what's that? O you did both well Gentlemen, you did both well, I thank you. You were i'faith. I, that was you, faith Gentlemen, 'tis right. By'th mass I think he did, you did all well gentlemen, you did all well, contend no more: I be do thy commendations? Thus wisemen are revenged give two for one. Content, 'Twill be good mirth i'faith, how think you Gentlemen? Upon calm conditions let him in. What have you finished Master Lucre ? would, would, would, would! Would, would would, if every man that swells in malice, Could be revenged as happily as I: He would choose hate, and forswear amity. What did he say wife, prithee? O—oh—oh— True, true, true. I, I, I, I. I knowte sirs I, Never did man so crush his enemy? What a Sweet blessing hast thou Master Hoard above a multitude, wilt thou never be thankful? how dost thou think to be blessed another time? or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness by my troth I think thou dost not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content, she's rich, she's young, she's fair, she's wife, when I wake I think of her lands that revives me, when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty, and thats enough for me, she's worth 4. hundred a year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it, but the journey will be all intruth into the Country, to ride to her Lands in state and order following my Brother & other worshipful Gentlemen whose companies I would sent down for already, to ride along with us, in their goodly Decorum beards, their broad Velvet chashocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which time, isle entertain some ten men of mine own, into Liveries, all of oc cupations or qualities, I will not keep and idle man about me, the sighed of which will so vex my Adversary Lucre, for weel pass by his door of purpose, make a little stand for nonce, & have our horses Curvet before the window, certainly he will never endure it, but run up & hang himself presently? how now sirrah? what news? any that offer their service to me yet. Are they of occupation? I smelled you before, Persumers of all men had need carry themselves uprightly, for if they were once knaves they would be smelled out quickly, —to you sir? Sayest thou oh do but make me admire, and thou shalt want for nothing,—my Taylor? Go presently in hand with the liveries. Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the sent of my Tailors feet, and my Barbers Lotium-water: But you my Faulkner and Huntsman, the welcomest men alive ifayth: I prithee show me that: go you knaves all, and wash your lungs ith Buttery, go—byth mass, and well remembered, isle ask my wife that question, wife, Mistrs Jane Hoard ! I would but know sweet wife, which might sta ̄ worser best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or ith Country? Could a Marquess give a better answer? Hoard bear thy head aloft, thou'st a wife will advance it, what haste comes here now? ye a letter: some dreg of my Adversaries malice: come hither, whats the news! Why then it concerns me knave? How a precontract sayest thou? Wife, what says that letter let me construe it. Wife— Of what force? let me ezamine e'm. Where? how? deer wife. Excellent, thou dost astonish me, go, run, make hast, bring both the creditors and Wit-good hither. In the mean space I'll have a release drawne-within there. Sirrah, come take derictions, go to my Scrivener. Away, Dispatch, on my Displeasure, quickly, happy oc casion, pray heaven he be in the right Vain now to set his hand toot, that nothing altar him; grant that all his folly's may meet in him at once, to besot him enough. I pray for him i'faith, and here he comes; Nay I am friends, I herd you were arrested. Nay wife you are too froward, Let him alone, give losers' leave to talk. Why are not debts better then words sir? He plays at back-Racket with me. How now my Masters, what have you done with him? Ah—a—a,— and what came his debts to now? Naum, naum, naum, naum, naw, tell me the second time, give me a lighter some, they are but desperate debts you know, near called in but upon such and accident, a poor needy knave he would starve and rot in prison, come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound and the some down roundly— Come, unwilling heart come. O as vain a thing as can be, you cannot commit a greater absurdity sir,—so, so, give me that hand now, before all these presents I am friends for ever with thee. Content, isle send for thy Uncle against the wedding dinner, we will be friends once again. How now? is't right my Master's? Why well said, a good conscience makes a fine show now a days, come my Masters you shall all—taste of my wine ere you depart. Now gentlemen visitants? how dos master Dampit ? Fie Master Dampit : you lie lazing a bed here, and I come to enuite you to my wedding dinner, up, up, up. A rich widow. She did I can tell you in her tother husbands days, open house for all comers, horse and man was welcome, and Room enough for em all. Pup, pup, pup, pup, I Like not this wine, is there never a better Teirs in the house. I am in love with my Liveries every time I think on e'm, they make a gallant show by my troth.—Niece. Prithee show a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little, theile filtch and steal to day and send whole pass ties home to their wives, and thou be'st a good Niece, do not see me purloined. Master Lamprey, and Master Spichcocke two the most welcome gentlemen alive, your father's and mine were all free a h Fishmongers. And thats best sir—how now sirrah? My Lady Foxestone a my life. Mistress Jane Hoard, wife, mass 'tis her Ladyship indeed, Madame you are welcome to and unfurnished house, dearth of cheer, scarcsity of attendance. Wife. Yes Madam salute my Lady Foxtone. Who would not wed the most delicious life, No Joys are Like the comforts of a wife. I, I'll say that for you brother you keep as good and hour to come to a feast, as any Gentleman in the Shear what old Master Limber and Master Kicks, do we meet i'faith Jolly Gentlemen? And most wishfully brother see where she comes, give her a smerck now we may hear it all the house over. Would, would, would, why how now? are you both a shamed? come Gentlemen, weel look another way— How mean you brother? Did I so? by my troth and so she is. What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, bro there, if marriage can make her mine, she is mine? why? I hope you will not serve me so brother. What now? what now? pray Gentlemen, you were wont to show your selves wisemen. How? This grows too deep pray let us reach the sense. Out, out, I am cheated, infinitely cozened. A dutch widow, a dutch widow, a dutch widow: Lucre, and Wit-good, you're both villains, get you out of my house: Daintily abused y'aue put a Junt upon me: A common strumpet? Cursed be all Malice, black are the fruits of spite, And poison first their owners: Oh my friends, I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame, Concealed disgrace prevents a public name. Ah Wit-good ah Theodorus, So? very good? What think you of that Gentlemen. My Barber. A wiseman cannot tell, There may be those Conditions greed upon, May move me to do much, Upon my life, my adversary, Gentlemen. Would, would, would. Sayest so? send e'm all in!—to see ten men ride after me in watchet liveries with Orenge-tawny capes, 'twill cut his comb ifayth, how now? of what occupation are you sir. From e'm all brother, and I may tell you, I had mighty enemies, those that stuck soar, old Lucre is a soar fox I can tell you brother. Make e'm all trim fellows, louse e'm well, especially my huntsman, and cut all their beards of the Polonian fashion: my perfumer: Master Onesiphorus Hoard, why now our company be begins to come in: my deer and kind brother welcome i'faith. Would? Shall I compound? A rich widow,—one widow meddler. Go too then, tell your money in the mean time, you shall find little less there,—come Master Wit-good you are so vnwil ling to do your self good now, welcome honest Scrivener, now you shall hear the release read,— Desire your mistress you knave, to taste e'm all over, she has better Skill. Gentlemen! O, nor Lands, nor living? Speak?