SIR BOUNTEOUS

O not so, good Knights, not so, you know my humour; most welcome good Sir Andro Pelcut, Sir Aquitaino Colewort, most welcome. How now linen stockings, and threescore mile a day; whose footman art thou? Thy L! what L? My L. Owe-much! I have herd much speech of that L. has great acquaintance i'th City; that L. has been much followed. And they did, hee'd turn over a new leaf with e'm; he would make e'm all weary on't i'th end: much fine rumor have I herd of that L. yet had I never the fortune to set eye upon him; art sure he will alight here Footman? I am afraid thou'rt mistook. Puh; passion of me, Footman, why Pumps I say come back. Come hither I say, I am but afraid on't, would it might happen so well, how dost know? did he name the house with the great turret a'th top? Come hither I say, did he speak of a cloth a gold chamber? Come again you lousy seven mile and hour? Was there no talk of a fair pair of Orgaines, a great gilded candlestick, and a pair of silver snuffers? A pox confine thee, come again, puh, Was there no speech of a long dining room, a huge kitchen, large meat, and a broad dresser board? Whom did he name? Ah, a, a, I am that Sir Bounteous you progressive roundabout Rascal. I knew I should have him i'th end, ther's not a Lord will miss me I thank their good honours, 'tis a fortune laid upon me, they can sent out their best entertainment, I have a kind of complemental gift given me above ordinary country Knights, and how soon, 'tis smelled out I warrant ye, ther's not one Knight i'th Shear able to entertain a Lord i'th kue, or a Lady i'th neck Like me, Like me, ther's a kind of grace belongs too't, a kind of Art which naturally slips from me, I know not on't I promise you, 'tis gone before Im'e aware on't, cuds me I forget my self, where— Run sirrah, call in my chief gentleman i'th chain of gold, expedite; and how do's my good Lord? I never saw him before in my life, a cup of bastard for this footman. Travailed this five year? how many children has he? some bastard I say. A cup of Sack to strengthen his wit, the foot men a fool; o, come hither master Gunwater, come hither, send presently to master Pheasant for one of his hens, ther's Partridge i'th house. And Woodcock an't please thy worship. Remember the Pheasant, down with some Plo ver, clap down six Woodcocks, my love's coming; now sir. Dispath I say, dispatch, why where's my music? he's come indeed. Y'aue found me out my Lord, I cannot hide my self, Your honour in most spaciously welcome. Nay, and your Lordship know my disposition, you know me better then they that know my person; your honour is so much the welcomer for that. Pray pardon me, it has been often my ambition my L. both in respect of your honourable presence, and the prodigal fame that keeps even stroke with your unbon dead worthiness; To have wished your Lordship, where your Lordship is A noble guest in this unworthy seat: Your Lordship never herd my Organs. There but double gilded my L. some hundred and fifty pound wilt fit your Lordship with such another pair. Oh my L. I have a present suit to you. Your Lordship has been a traveller. I have a Grandchild my L. I love him; and when I die I'll do somewhat for him: I'll tell your honour the worst of him, a wild lad he has been. So we have been all indeed my L. I thank your Lordships assistance; some comic pranks he has been guilty of; but I'll pawn my credit for him, and honest trusty bo some. And thats worth all indeed my L. for he's Like to have all when I die; imberbis Iuvenis, his chin has no more prickles yet then a midwives: theres great hope of his wit his hair's so long a coming; shall I be bold with your ho nor, to prefer this aforesaid Ganymede to hold a plate under your Lordship's cup? Nay has a good wit i'faith my L. Are you advised of that my L.? has carried ma nigh things cleanly: I'll show your Lordship my Will, I keep it above in and Out landish box; the whoreson boy must have all: I love him, yet he shall never find it as long as I live. I understand your good Lordship, you'll make him your Secretary: my music, give my L. a taste of his welcome. So, how Like you our Airs my Lord? are they choice? The Consort of mine own household. The Musicians are in Ordinary, yet no ordinam ry Musicians: your Lordship shall hear my Organs now. My Organist. Come my L. how do's your honour relish my Organ? O, how can't choose, a Walloon plays upon e'm, and a Welshman blows wind in their breech. You must pardon us my L. hasty cates, your honour has had even a hunting meal on't; and now I am Like to bring your Lordship to as mean a lodging, a hard Down bed i'faith my L. poor Cambricke sheets, and a cloth a Tissue Canopy, the Curtains indeed were wrought in We nice, with the story of the Prodigal child in silk and gold, only the Swine are left out my L. for spoiling the curtains. Silkin rest, harmonious slumbers, and venetiall dreams to your Lordship. Fie, not to me my L. I'm old, passed dreaming of such vanities. Their dreams indeed my L. y'aue gi'nt us: to morrow your Lordship shall see my Cocks, my Fishponds, my Park, my Champion grounds; I keep Champers in my house can show your Lordship some pleasure. Once again a musical night to your honour; I'll trouble your Lordship no more. O gentlemen, and you be kind gentlemen, what countrymen are you? I am glad of that i'faith. O, the honestest thieves of all come out of Lin consheere; the kindest natured Gentlemen; the'le rob a man with conscience: they have a feeling of what they go about, and will steal with tears in their eyes: ah pitiful gentle men. Is that all you come for? Ah what a beast was I to put out my money tother day: alas good gentlemen, what shift shall I make for you? pray come again another time. O not so loud sir, you're too shrill a Gentle man; I have a L. lies in my house, I would not for the world his honour should be disquieted. Who my L? bound my L? Alas what did you mean to bind my L? he could keep his bed well enough without binding: y'aue undone me i'nt already, you needs rob me no farther. Ah I perceive now, you're no true Linconsheere spirits; you come rather out of Bedforesheere, we cannot lie quiet in our beds for you: so, take enough my Master's; spur a free horse, my name's sir Bounteous, a merry world i'faith; what Knight but I keep open house at midnight? well, there should be a conscience, if one could hit upon't. Is this your Court of equity? why should I be bound for mine own money? but come, come, bind me, I have need on't; I have been too liberal to night, keep in my hands: nay, as hard as you list; I am too good to bear my L. company, you have watched your time my Master's; I was Knighted at Westminster, but many of these nights will make me a Knight of Windsor; y'aue deserved so well my Master's; I bid you all to dinner to morrow, I would I might have your companies i'faith, I desire no more. Pray meddle not with my Organs, to put e'm out of tune. Ah pox feast you. Ho, Gunwater! Ah poor honest footman, how didst thou escape this massacre? I think so, I would I had lain in my clothes to Footman, so I had escaped e'm; I could have but risse Like a beg her then, and so I do now, till more money come in; but no thing afflicts me so much, my poor Geometrical Footman, as that the barbarous villains should lay violence upon my L. Ah, the binding of my L. cuts my heart in two pieces; so, so, 'tis well, I thank thee, run to thy fellows, undo e'm, un do e'm, undo e'm. If I be not ashamed to look my L i'th face, I'm a Sarassen my L. One may see he has been scared, a pox on e'm for their labours. Singlestone? I'll never answer to that i'faith. Suchman? nor that neither i'faith; I am not brought so low, though I be old. Good morrow my L. 'tis I. Your Lordship grieves me more then all my lose; 'Tis the vnnatural'st sighed that can be found, To see a noble gentleman hard-bound. Faith Lincolnshire men my Lord. Think you so my Lord? This is the commodity of keeping open house my Lord, that makes so many shut their doors about dinner time. Oh saucy unmannerly villains! They would not? Insupportable Rascals. Ah good my Lord, but Im'e sure your Lordship fared the worse. Is not your honour soar about the brawn of the arm? a murren meet e'm, I feel it. You feel as it were a twinge my Lord? A pox discover e'm, that twinge I feel too. True, about the wrist, a kind of Tumid numnes. A word with you sir. Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup. A good nights sleep say. Hist, well said, come hither, what ha my Lord lost, tell me, speak softly? Hush, prithee tell me. Yet again? I desire it I say. That's some two hundred it'h total. Come follow me, I'll make that whole again in so much money, let not my Lord know on't. How should it come to his ear? if you be my Lords chief man about him, I hope you do not use to speak, unless you be paid for't, and I had rather give you a Council lors double Fee to hold your peace, come, go too, follow me I say. His honour shall stay dinner by his leaue', I'll prevail with him so far; and now I remember a lest; I bade the whoreson thieves to dinner last night, I would I might have their companies, a pox poison e'm. Why, where be these Ladies? these plump soft delicate creatures? would? Visit, who? what are you with the plague in your mouth? Then you are a loose-liuer Sir, I have put you to your purgation. How now? what art thou? Pashion of me, what and alteration's here? Rosa mond sick old Harry? hers a sighed able to make and old man shrink, I was lusty when I came in, but I am down now i'faith, mortality, yea? this puts me in mind of a hold seven foot deep, my graven, my graven, my graven, hist, master Doctor a word sir, hark, 'tis not the Plague? is't? Good. How now my wench? how dost? Where do's it hold thee most, wench? Hark in thine ear, thou'rt breeding of young bones, I am afraid I have God thee with child i'faith. O, o, if it should, a young Progress when al's done. I see by her, 'tis nothing but a surfeit of Venus i'faith, and though I be old, I have gin't her, but since I had the power to make thee sick, I'll have the purse to make thee whole, that's certain; master Doctor. Lets hear I pray, what i'st you minister to her? I, I, that, that, that. Ah. Very precious Sir. Nay pray be patient Sir. O, cry you mercy, that's true Sir. I, there you left Sir. So Sir, olei Masi, that same oil of Maze is a great comfort to both the Counters. Well, be of good cheer wench, ther's gold for thee; huh, let her want for nothing M. Doctor, a poor kinse woman of mine, nature binds me to have a care of her; there I gulled you M. Doctor: gather up a good spirit wench, the fit will away, 'tis but a surfeit of gristles: would, would, I have sitted her; and old Knight and a cock a'th game still, I have not spurs for nothing I see. Look to her good M. Doctor, let her want no thing, I've given her enough already, Would, would, would. Why how now master Gumwater ? what's the news with your hast? Why prithee tell me, speak man. Why sir? Would, would, haw,—why that's the fashion you whoreson Gumwater. I, I, in those days, that was a queasy time, our age is better hardened now, and put oftener in the fire, we are tried what we are: tut, the Pox is as natural now, as and Ague in the Spring time, we seldom take physic without it; here, take this key, you knew what duties belong too't, go,—give or der for a Cullize, let there be a good fire made it'h matted chamber, do you hear sir?— And old men venery is very chargeable my ma sters, there much cooquery belongs too't. Ah sirrah, me think I feel my self well toasted, bumbasted, rubbed and refreshed; but i'faith I cannot forget to think how soon sickness has altered her—to my taste, I gave her a kiss at bottom o'th stairs, and byth mass me thought her breath had much ado to be sweet, Like a thing compoun dead me thought of wine, Beer, and Tobacco, I smelled much Pudding in't. It may be but my fancy, or her physic: For this I know, her health gave such content, The fault rests in her sickness, or my sent. How dost thou now sweet girl, what well recovered? Sickness quite gone, would? speak—would? wench? Frank Gulman, why body of me, whats here? my Casket wide open, broke open, my Jewels stolen—why Gumwater — Come hither Gumwater. Why Gumwater? Where's this Creature? The worst that ever breathes. That's a vild whore sir;—where didst thou leave her Rascal? My Execration sir. Thou runnest to much purpose now, Gumwater, ye? Is not a Quean enough to answer for, but she must join a thief too't, a thieving Quean, Nay I have done with her i'faith, 'tis a sign sh'as been sick a late, for she's a great deal worse then she was, by my troth I would have paund my life vpon't, did she want anything? was she not supply de? Nay and liberally, for thats and olds men sin, Weel feast our Lechery, though we starve our kin. Is not my name Sir Bounteous, am I not expressed there? Ah fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, but I perceive Though she have never so complete a friend, a strumpets love will have a wast i'th end, and distaste the vessel: I can hardly bear this; But say I should complain, perhaps she has pawned they, Sfoot the Judges will but laugh at it, and bid her borrow more money of em, make the old fellow pay for's lechery, thats all the mends I get, I have seen the same Cafe tried at Newberry the last Sizes. Well, things must slip and sleep, I will dissemble it, because my credit shall not lose her lustre, But while I live, isle neither love nor trust her. I would done, I would done, I would done with her i'faith. Have a care blue-coats; bestir your self Ma ster Gumwater, cast and eye intoth kitchen, over look the knaves a little, every lack has his friend to day, this cousin and that cousin puts in for a dish of meat, a man knows not till he make a feast how many varlets he feeds, acquaintances swarm in every corner, Like flies at Barthol mewtide that come up with drovers, sfoot I think they smell my kitchen seven mile about master Shortrod and his sweet bedfellow, yare very copiously welcome. Thanks for that boldness ever, good Master Shortrod, is this your friend sir? Why then compendeously sir,—yare welcome. Excellently retorted i'faith, he's welcome for's wit; I have my sorts of salutes, and know how to place em Court lie; walk in sweet gentlemen, walk in, theres a good fire it'h Hall, you shall have my sweet company instantly. You shall indeed gentlemen; how now, what news brings thee in stumbling now? Players? by the mass they are welcome, the'yle grace my entertainment well, but for certain players there thou liest boy; they were never more uncertain in their lives, now up & now down, they know not when to play, where to play, nor what to play, not when to play for fearful fools, where to play for Puritane fools, nor what to play for critical fools—go call em in,—how fitly the whoresons come vpo'th feast, troth I was een wishing for em,—o welcome, welcome my friends. Well acted a my credit, I perceive he's your best Actor. What what? put on your hat sir, pray put on; go too, wealth must be respected, let those that have least feathers stand bore; and whose men are you I pray? nay keep on your hat still. Good, good, and which is your Politician a amongst you? now i'faith he that works out Restraints, makes best legs at Court and has a suit made of purpose, for the companies business, which is he, come be not afraid of him. Art thou he? give me thy hand, hark in thine ear, thou row lest too fast to gather so much moss as thy fell low there, champ upon that, ah, and what play shall we have my Master's? I, I, I, a Comedy in any case, that I and my guests may laugh a little, whats the name out? The Slip? By my troth a pretty name, and a glib one: go all and slip intoot, as fast as you can cover a table for the players. First take heed of a Lurcher, he cum S deep, he will eat up all from you. Some Shirry for my Lords players there. Sirrah, why this will be a True feast, a right Miter supper, a play and all, more lights—I called for light, here come in two are light enough for a whole house i'faith. Dare the thief look me i'th face? Oh impudent times! go too, dissem ble it. A my troth, I took her for a couple, I'de have sworn there had been two faces there. Away, he cannot be but a Rascal walk in walk in, bold guests, that come vnfent for—post, I perceive how my Jewels went now, to grace her marriage. Ey, how happened it wench, you put the slip upon me, Not three nights since? I name it gently to you, I term it neither Pilfer, Cheat, nor Shark. I'm old and passed your reach, very good; but you will not deny this I trust. Ye? give me thy hand, fare thee well, I have done with her. Whew, whew? Oh audacious age. She denies me and all, when on her fingers, I spied the Ruby fit, that do's betray her, And blushes for her fact, well theres a time sor't, For al's too little now for entertainment. Feast, mirth, I harmony, and the play to boot. A Jovial Season. How now, are you ready? Keep you your hat on. O cry you mercy, then you must stand bore. Why with all my heart, what is't you want? speak. Why here, here, here, here whoreson, will this serve your turn? Nay whoop, I have given too many rings already, talk no more of rings I pray you, here, here, here, make this Jewel serve for once. What have you all now? My watch, with all my heart, only give time a charge that he be not fiddling with it. Well now you are furnish sir, make haste away. More lights, more stools, fit fit, the play begins. We have e'm for you sir, fine nimble Comedians, proper actors most of them. O there's their credit sir, they serve and honourable popular Gentleman, eclipped my Lord Ow-much. Oh you never knew any of the name but were great travellers, Marry sir, the Slip. Excellently well acted and a nimble conceit. I thats the grace of all, when they go away well, ah- But, passion of me, where be these knaves, will they not come away, me thinks they stay very long. Shifts call you em, they're horrible long things. Life I say, where be these Players, o are you come, troth its time, I was een sending for you. Ah—a—a— Ye shall we take Justice winking. To me; puh—turn to'th Justice you whoreson hob by horse, this is some new player now, they put all their fools to the Constables partly still. Yet again: a pox of all Asles still, they could not ride a foot unless it in a bawdy house. Well said Justice, he helps his kinsman well. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Would, would would, by my troth the maddest piece of Ju stice gentlemen, that ever was committed. I am deceiu'de, if this prove not a merry Comedy and a witty. Faith he speaks now een as many as he has done, he seems wisest when he gapes and says nothing, would would;— he turns and tells his tale to me Like and ass, what have I to do with their riding away, they may ride for me, thou whoreson Coxcomb that n; nay thou art well enough seru'de i'faith, Byth mass and you say true sir,—go sirrah, step in, I think they have forgotten themselves, call the knaves away they're in a wood I believe.— Hawk, the Constable says I, they're in a wood,— would, would,— How now? when come they? How? Body of me thou liest. Cheated and defeated, vngag that rascal, I'll hang him for's fellows, I'll make him bring em out. Would? Hark, hark gentlemen, by this light the watch rings alarm in his pocket, the my watch come again, or the very Cousin Germane toot, whose is't, whose is't? by'th mass 'tis he, hast thou one son? prithee bestow it upon thy Grandsire, I now look for mine again i'faith, nay come with a good will or not at all. I'll give thee a better thing a piece, a piece gentlemen. At once I have drawn chain, jewel, watch & all. Why son, why gentlemen, how long have you been my Lord Ow-much his servants i'faith? I think 'tis time, thoust been a These already. Whoop, why then you took my chain along with you to prolong my days did you? What? A wife? sfoot, what is she for a fool would marry thee a madman? when was the wedding kept in Bedlam? Stop there, stop there, would I might see her. Ah, would, would, would, this makes amends for all. Speak son is't true? Can you gull us, and let a quean gull you. Come gentlemen tooth feast, let not time waste, We have pleased our ear, now let us please our taste Who lives by cunning mark it, his fates cast, When he has gulled all, then is himself the last. The Reason of that my Lord is, the pulses had no play. Oh welcome, welcome, Thief, Quean, and Bawd, welcome all three. A mischief swell e'm, for I feel that to. Recovered, well and found again? A pox engross her, it appears too true, See you this Casket sir. How sir? O—oh—oh—cry you mercy, now I begin to taste you,— is she come? My L. Owemuch, by my troth the welcomest men alive give me all your hands at once, that honourable gentleman? he lay at my house in a robbery once, and took all quietly, went away cheerfully. I made a very good feast for him; I never saw a man of honour bear things brauelier away, serve my L. Owe much ? welcome i'faith: some Bastard for my Lords Players,— where be you boys? Yes faith would I, to see mine eyes bear double. Cuds me, what else sir? What else lack you? Give me leave, give me leave, why art not thou the Constable it'h Comedy? I am gulled i'faith, I am gulled, when wast thou chosen? A pox go wit'ht, ther't goes. Gentlemen shall I entreat a courtesy? Do not laugh at me seven year hence. Faith thats some comfort yet, would, would, it was featly carried, troth I commend their wits, before our faces, make us asses while we fit still, and only laugh at our selves. Why they confess so much them selves, they said they play the slip, they should be men of their words, I hope the Justice will have more conscience i'faith, then to carry a way a chain of a hundred mark of that fashion. I by my troth sir, beside a jewel, and a jewels fell low, a good fair watch that hung about my neck sir. Me thinks my Lord Owemuches players should not scorn me so i'faith they will come and bring all again I know, push they will i'faith, but a jest certainly. Who? Son Folliwit? Rise richer by a blessing, thou art welcome. Their all welcome, salute you that side, & isle well come this side. Sir to begin with you. Nay then you know me not sir. You cannot be too bold sir. Faith son would you had come sooner with these gentlemen. Yes faith, a pox a'th Author. I am sure villainous ones sir. Nay bith mass these were enough for the euish knaves. Which way came you gentlemen, you could not choose but meet em. O those were they, those were they, a pox ham per em. They have hampered me finely sirrah. How sir, I lent the rascals properties to furnish out their play, a chain, a jewel, and a watch, & they watched their time, and rid quite away with em. The best is sirrah you pledge none but me And since I drink the top, take her and hark, I spice the bottom with a thousand mark. I, and here the prologue begins to slip in upon's. A, Justice upon my credit, I know by the chain there. A very expleate Justice. We had a play here.