FOLLYWIT

Call me your Forecast, you whore sons, when you come drunk out of a Ta verne, t'is I must cast your plots into form still; 'tis I must ma nage the Prank, or I'll not give a louse for the proceeding: I must let fly my civil Fortune's, turn wilde-braine, lay my wits vpo'th Tenters, you rascals, to maintain a company of vil laines, whom I love in my very soul and conscience. Hang you, you have bewitched me among you, I was as well given till I fell to be wicked, my Grandsire had hope of me, I went all in black, swore but a Sundays, never came home drunk, but upon fasting nights to cleanse my sto macke; sl'id now I'm quite altered, blown into light continued lours, let out oaths by'th minute, fit up late till it be early, drink drunk till I am sober, sink down dead in a Ta verne, and rise in a Tabacco-shop: hers a transformation: I was wont yet to pity the simple, and leave e'm some money: sl'id, now I gull e'm without conscience; I go without order, swear without number, gull without mercy, & drink without measure. I easily believe that Ancient, for thou lost thy continued lours once; Nay faith as for blushing, I think ther's grace little enough amongst you all, 'tis lent in your cheeks, the flag's down; well, your blushing face I suspect not, nor in deed greatly your laughing-face, unless you had more more ney in your purses: then thus compendiously now, you all know the possibilities of my hereafter Fortune's, and the humour of my frolic Grandsire Sir Bounteous Progress ; whose death makes all possible to me: I shall have all, when he ha nothing; but now he ha all, I shall have nothing: I think one mind runs through a million of e'm; they love to keep us sober all the while there alive, that when there dead we may drink to their healths; they cannot a bide to see us merry all the while there above ground; and that makes so many laugh at their father's funerals: I know my Grandsire has his Will in a Box, and has bequeathed all to me, when he can carry nothing away; but stood I in need of poor ten pounds now, by his will I should hang my selte ever I should get it, ther's no such word in his Will I war rant you, nor no such thought in his mind. A French ruff, a thin beard, and a strong per fume will doo't: I can hire blue coats for you all by West minster clock, and that colour will be soonest believed. Why carry your selves but probably, and carry away enough with your selves. Thanks good sir Bounteous. Herd of e'm sir Bounteous, but never haired e'm. Indeed sir Bounteous ? To me sir Bounteous, and you could never speak at fitter time? for I'm here present to grant you. Some five year sir. So we have been all sir. And thats worth all sir. You wrong both his worth, and your bounty, and you call that boldness; Sir I have herd much good of that young Gentleman. Has carried himself always generously. Well sir, for your sake, and his own deserving, I'll reserve a place for him nearest to my secrets. There seldom matched believe it. O I beseech you sir Bounteous. A very proud Air i'faith sir. And why should you be glad of that? Push, Money, money, we come for money. Tut, tut sir, money. Who my L. Owemuch? we have took order with him before hand, he lies bound in his bed and all his followers. Which is the Key, come? Away now, cease upon him, bind him. O ho sir! O no, heeres better music sir. Dispatch with him, away; so, thank you good Grandsire; this was bounteously done of him i'faith; it came somewhat hard from him at first; for indeed nothing comes stiff from and old man but money: and he may well stand upon that, when he has nothing else to stand upon: where's our Port-mantua? In with the purchase, will lie safe enough there under's nose I warrant you: what, is all sure? You know what follows now, one villain binds his fellows; go, we must be all bound for our own securi ties rascals, there's no dallying' vppo'th point; you conceit me: there is a L. to be found bound in the morning, and all his followers, can you pick out that L. now? You never plot for your safeties, so your wants be satisfied. Pox on't, I'll have the footman escape. The Footman of all other will be supposed to escape, for he comes in no bed all night; but lies in's clothes, to be first ready i'th morning: the horse and he lies in litter to gether; that's the right fashion of your bonny Footman: and his freedom will make the better for our purpose; for we must have one i'th morning to unbind the Knight, that we may have our sport within our selves: we now arrive at the most ticklish point, to rob, and take our ease, to be thieves and lie by't, looker to't lads, it concerns every men gullet; I'll not have the jest spoilde, that's certain, though it hazard a wind pipe: I'll either go Like a L. as I came, or be hanged Like a These as I am; and that's my resolution. Singlestone! Suchman- Who's that i'th chamber? Sir Bounteous good morrow, I would give you my hand sir, but I cannot come at it; is this the courtesy a'th con try sir Bounteous ? Trust me, I thought you had been better be loved sir Bounteous ; but I see you have enemies sir, and your friends fare the worse for em: I Like your talk better then your lodging; I never lay harder in a bed of Down; I have had a mad nights rest on't: can you not gesle what they should be Sir Bounteous ? How? fie, fie, believe it not sir, these lie not far off I warrant you. I'll be burned & they do, some that use to your house sir, and are familiar with all the couneiances. They were resolute villains, I made my self known to e'm, told e'm what I was; gave e'm my honora ble word not to disclose e'm. And think you the slaves would trust me upon my word? Forsooth no, I must pardon e'm, they told me Lords promises were mortal, and commonly die within half and hour after they are spoken; they were but gristles, and not one amongst a hundred come to any full groth, or per fection, and therefore though I were a L. I must enter into bound. Troth Im'e of that mind Sir Bounteous you fared the worse for my coming hither. Pray pity not me sir. About this place Sir Bounteous ? I, ee'n a twinge, you say right. But that which disturbs me most Sir Bounteous lies here. You say true Sir. Mass so I gest it. How now Singlestone? What have I lost? speak? Speak, what have I lost I say? That's true, my cloth's come. Wast not well manag'de, you necessary mischiefs? did the plot want either life or Art? Push, I knew he could not sleep quietly till he had paid me for robing of him too, 'tis his humour, & the humour of most of your rich men in the course of their lives; for you know, they always feast those mouths that are least needy, and give them more, that have too much already; and what call you that, but robing of themselves a Courtlyer way; O. A cold fit that comes over my memory, and has a shrode pull at my Fortune's. Is it for certain, Lieutenant, that my Grandsire keeps and uncertain creature, a Quean? So much the more 'preposterous for me, I shall hop shorter by that trick; she carries away the thirds at least; 'twill prove en-tayld land I am afraid when al's done, i'faith nay, I have known a vicious-old-thought-acting Father, Damned only in his dreams, thirsting for game, (When his best parts hung down their heads for shame,) For his blanched harlot dispossess his son, And make the pox his heir, twa's gravely done: How hadst thou first knowledge on't Lieutenant? Dull slave that never couldst spy it. How is the manner prithee? Beside the coachman? That's my Grandsires chief Gentleman it'h chain of gold, that he should live to be a Pander, and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket Peace, 'tis mine own i'faith, I haa'te. Thanks, thanks to any spirit, That mingled it amongst my inventions. Give me scope and hear me, I have begotten that means which will both furnish me, And make that quean walk under his conceit. And all at one dealing? And thou shalt see't quickly i'faith; nay 'tis in grain, I warrant it hold colour: Lieutenant, step behind yo'n hanging; if I mistook not at my entrance, there hangs the lower partly of a gentlewoman's gown, with a mask and a chinclout; bring all this way: Nay, but doo't cunningly now, 'tis a friends house, and I'de vfe it so, ther's a taste for you. Why use it. Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickly made up here. And is not most they do against kind I prithee? to lie with their Horsekeeper, is not that against kind? to wear half moons made of another's hair, is not that against kind? to drink down a man, she that should set him up, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? nay over with it Lieutenant, over with it, ever while you live put a woman's clothes over her head: Cupid plays best at blindman buff. How prove you that sir? Masle that was well found out all drunkerds may lawfully say, they drink within measure by that trick, dna now I'm put i'th mind of a trick can you keep your con tenance villains? yet I am a fool to ask that, for how can they keep their countenance that have lost their credits? Then since he ha no will to do me good as long as he lives; by mine own will, I'll do my self good before he die, and now I arrive at the purpose. You are not ignorant I'm sure, you true and necessary implements of mischief; first, that my Grandsier Sir Bounteous Progress is a Knight of thousands, and therefore no Knight since one thousand six hundred: next, that he keeps a house Like his name Bounteous, open for all comers: thirdly and lastly, that he stands much upon the glory of his compliment, variety of entertainment, together with the largeness of his Kitchen, longitude of his Buttery, and fecundity of his Larder, and thinks himself never happier then when some stiff L. or great Countess alights, to make light his dishes: these being well mixed together may give my project better encourage meant, and make my purpose spring forth more fortunate: to be short, and cut off a great deal of dirty way; I'll down to my Grandsire Like a L. Ye sir. Linconsheere men Sir. Who's that? Dost cal't a Musse? I am sure my Grandsire never God his money worse in his life, then I God it from him, if ever he did cozen the simple; why I was born to revenge their quarrel; if ever oppress the widow? I, a fatherless child have done as much for him; and so 'tis through the world ei there in jest or earnest, let the usurer look for't, for craft re coils in the end, Like and overcharged musket, and maims the very hand that puts fire too't; there needs no more but a Usurers own blow to strike him from hence to hell, 'twill set him forward with a vengeance; but here lay the jest whore sons, my Grandsire thinking in his conscience that we had not robbed him enough over night, must needs pity me it'h morning, and give me the rest. Most commonly coached indeed, for coaches are as common now adays, as some that ride in e'm, she comes most commonly coached. Push, I reach passed your fathoms; you desire crowns. Footman. That Courtly comely form, should present to me Sir Bounteous Progress. In this forgive me Sir, that being a stranger to your houses, And you, I make my way so bold, and presume Rather upon your kindness then your knowledge, Only your bounteous disposition. Fame hath diuulgd, and is to me well known. Old men should dream best. Well said Lieutenant. Why the Doublet serves as well as the best, and is most in fashion, were all Male tot'h middle, mankind from the Beaver to'th Bum, 'tis and Amazonian time, you shall have women shortly tread their husbands; I should have a couple of Locks behind, prithee Lieutenant find em out for me, and wind they about my hatband, nay you shall see, weel be in fa shion to a hair, and become all with probability, the most musty-visage Critic shall not except against me. Clay! dost call thy Captain Clay? indeed clay was made to stop holes, he says true; did not I tell you rascals you should see a woman quickly made up? Come, come, my mask and my chin-cloute—Come into'th Court. Let me see, where shall I choose two or three for Pimps now? but I cannot choose amiss amongst you all, thats the best; well, as I am a Quean, you were best have a care of me, and guard me sure, I give you warning before hand, 'tis a monckie taylde-Age. Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney. Or shoot in vppo'th coast of Cue. Well, say you have fair warning on't, the hair about the hat is as good as a flag vppo'th pole at a common Play house to wast company, and a chin-cloute is of that powerful a traction I can tell you, 'twill draw more Linen toot? Yes, good master Gumwater. I remember it well sir. Beside your apparel sir? But then you reckon your chain sir. O, pray away sir. Pray do not handle me sir. Vowed it? no, no, you men are fickle,— Why I bind you by virtue of this chain to meet me to morrow at the Flowredeluce yonder, between Nine and Ten. Why now isle try you, go too. Welcome sweet coxcomb; by my faith a good in duction, I perceive by his overworn phrase, and his Actium to ward the middle region still there has been some saucy nibbling motion, and no doubt the cunning quean waited but for her prey, and I think 'tis better bestowed upon me for his souls health;—and his bodies too; isle teach the slave to be so bold yet, as once to offer to vault into his Master's saddle i'faith: Now Casket, by your leave, I have seen your outside oft, but thats no proof. Some have fair outsides that are nothing worth: would? —now by my faith a gentlewoman of very good parts, Diamond, Ruby, Saphire, Onix cum prolo Silexque ; if I do not wonder how the quean scapte tempting, I'm and Hermophrodite, sure she could lack nothing, but the Devil to point too't, and I wonder that he should be missing; well, 'tis better as it is, this is the fruit of old-grunting-venerie. Grandsire, you may thank your Drab for this; o fie, in your crinkling days Grandsire, keep a Courtesan to hinder your Grandchild, 'tis against Nature i'faith, and I hope yowl be weary ont: Now to my villains that lurk close below: Who keeps a Harlot tell him this from me, He needs nor These, disease, nor enemy. What so coy, so strict, come, come. Sfoot this is strange, I've seldom seen a wench Stand upon stricter points, life she will not endure to be cour ted, do's she ere think to prosper? I'll never believe that Tree can bring forth fruit, that never bears a blossom, Court ships a blossom, and often brings forth fruit in forty weeks; It a mad partly in me, now to turn over: if ever there were any hope on't, 'tis at this instant, shall I be madder now then ever I have been? 'ime in the way i'faith. Men never at High height of madness full, Until he love and prove a woman's gull; I do protest in earnest I never knew At which end to begin to affect a woman, Till this bewitching minute, I never saw Face worth my object, till mine eye met hers, I should laugh and I were caught i'faith, I'll see her again thats certain, what Ere comes ont, by your favour Ladies. Know you the young gentlewoman that went in lateley? O in good time, I Like the gentlewoman well, a pre ty contrived beauty, But she has one uncomely quality. Sfoot she's afraid of a man. Of her honour? slid 'ime sure I cannot get her mai den head with breathing upon her, nor can she lose her ho nou_r_ in her tongue. Have you not so much power with her, to comma ̄ worser her presence. Would I might be hanged, if my love do not stretch to her deeper and deeper, those bashful maiden humours take me prisoner when their comes a restraint ont upon flesh, we are always most greedy vppont, & that makes your mercha ̄ ts wife oftentimes pay so deer for a monthfull: give me a woe man as she was made at first, simple of her self, without So phistication, Like this wench, I cannot abide them when they have tricks, set speeches & Artful entertainments, you shall have some so impudently aspected, they will outcry the before head of a man, make him blush first, & talk him into silence, & this is counted manly in a woman, it may hold so, sure woe manly it is not, no, If ere I love, or any thing move me, TO will be a woman's simple modesty. The wonder of our time sits in that brow, I never beheld a perfect man till now. By my faith not I Lady. Fear not, come; erect thy happy graces in thy look; I am no curious wooer, but infaith I love thee honourably. Sfoot as one loves a woman for a wife, I do confess it truly to you both, My estate is yet but sickly, but I've a Grandsire Will make me Lord of thousands at his death. Why then you know no fiction; my state then will be a long days journey above the wast wench. And thou shalt often measure it in thy coache, And with the wheels tract make a gridle for't. What is't a match, if't be clap hands & lips; Why then mother I salute you. By my troth agreed mother. Sfoot that will serve till my Grandsire die I warrant you, heel drop away at fallen a'th leaf, if ever he reach to all Hollantide isle be hanged. Ah pox, he's given to Women; he keeps a quean at this present. Do not tell my wife ont. He makes a great feast upon the leauenth of this month, tuesday next, and you shall see Players there,—I have one trick more to put upon him; my wife and your self shall go thither before as my guests, and prove his entertainment, I'll meet you there at night, the jest will be here, that feast which he makes will, unknown to him serve fitly for our wed ding dinner, we shall be royally furnished, and get some charges by'te. We shall thrive one day wench, and clep enough? Between our Hope's theres but a Grandsires puff. The month of May delights not in her flowers, More then we joy in that sweet sighed of yours. We serve my Lord Owemuch sir. They come along with the Wagon sir. I am he sir. A pleasant witty Comedy sir. 'Tis called the Slip. Even upon readiness sir. I have a suit to your worship. We could do all to the life of Actium sir, both for the credit of your worships house, and the grace of our Comedy. And for some defects (as the custom is) we would be bold to require your worships assistance. One's a chain for a Justices hat sir. We should use a ring with a stone int. O this will serve sir. All now sir—one y time is brought i'th middle of the play, and I would desire your worships watch time. You shall never see that sir. Ee'n as fast as I can sir,—I'll set my fellows going first, they must have time and leisure, or they're dull else. He stay and speak a prologue, yet overtake e'm, I cannot have conscience i'faith to go away and speak never a word to e'm, my Gram ̄ dsire has given me three shares here, sure I'll do some what for e'm. A pox of such fortune the plots betrayed: All will come out, yonder they come taken upon suspicion, and brought back by a Constable, I was accursed to hold so ciety with such Coxcombs, whats to be done? I shall be shamed for ever, my wife here and all, ah pox—by light happi lie thought upon, the chain Invention stick to me this once, and fail me ever hereafter: so, so,— Unfortunate Justice. In thy kin unfortunate. Here comes thy Nephew now upon suspicion, Brought by a Constable before thee, his vild associates with him, But so disguizde, none knows him but my self, Twice have I set him free from officers sangs, And for his sake, his fellows: let him look too't: My conscience will permit but one wink more. For this time I have be thought a means to work thy freedom, though hazarding my self; should the Law cease him, Being kin to me, twould blenush much my name, No; I'de rather lean to danger, then to shame. How now Constable what news with thee? Whats the matter Constable, whats the matter? Why sure the fellow's drunk. What he did? Why true sir. If you want cords, use garters. A gag will help all this, keep less noise ̄ you knave. Why la you who lets you now? You may ride quietly, I'll see you to, Take horse my self. I have nothing else to do. Pray Grandsire give me your blessing? This shows Like kneeling after the play, I praying for my Lord Owemuch and his good Countess, our honou rabble Lady and mistress. Thanks good grandsire, I was bold to bring those gentlemen my friends. I am glad 'tis our fortune so happily to meet sir. Sweet Mistress Harebrain. Our marriage known? The better. Why Grandsire? A play sir, no. Bles us all, why were they such vild ones sir? Some rawe-simple fools. What sir? We met a company with hampers after em. Bless us all again. How sir. Are they such creatures. Have I escape the Constable to be brought in by the watch? Faith Grandsire, shall I be true to you? I knowing the day of your feast, & the natural inclina cion you have to pleasure and pastime, presumed upon your patience for a jest as well to prolong your days as— Not so neither sir & that you may be seriously assured of my hereafter stableness of life, I have took another course. Took a wife. She's both a gentlewoman and a virgin. You have your wish, she's here. How now? We sing of wand king knights, what them betide, Who nor in one place, nor one thing abide, They're here now, & anon no scouts can reach em Being every man well horst Like a bold Beacham, The Play which we present, no fault shall mere But one, yowl say 'tis short, weel say 'tis sweet: 'Tis given much to dumb shows, which some praise, And Like the Term, delights much in delays. So to conclude, and give the name her endue, The play being called the Slip, I vanish too. Run swiftly with my continued ̄ mendations to S. Jasper Topas We'll ride and visit him i'th morning say. Why then set forward; and as you scorn two shilling brothel, twelve penny Pandarism, and such base bribes, guard me from bonny Scribs, and bony Scribes. Will you but hear me? Why Sirrah, do you use to bring Gentlemen before us for riding away, what will you have em stand still when they're up, Like Smug vpo'th white horse yonder? are your wits steeped? He make you and example for all dizzy Constables, how they abuse justice, here bind him tot his chair. How then? Would. Is't come about, tricks are repaid I see. By my troth, she is as good a cup of Nectar, as a my Bachelor needs to sip at. Tut give me gold, it makes amends for vice, Maids without coin, are candles without spice. to was well prevented sir. The Like to kind Sir Bounteous. Sir Bounteous you even whelm me with delights. Good rest sir Bounteous ; so, come, the vizards, where be the masking suits? Peace Lieutenant. Puh, the plot's ripe; come, to our business lad, Though gilded condemns, 'tis gilded must make us glad. Get you before then, and whelm your nose with your vizard, go. Now Grandsire, you that hold me at hard meat, And keep me out at the Dags end, I'll fit you; Under his Lordship's leave, all must be mine He and his Will confesses, what I take then Is but a borrowing of so much before hand; I'll pay him again when he die, in so many blacks, I'll have the Church hung round with a noble a yard, Or requite him in Scutcheons, let him trap me In gold, and I'll lap him in led; quid pro quo : I Must look none of his Angels in the face forsooth, Until his face be not worth looking on; Tut lads, Let Sire's and Grandsires keep us low, we must Live when there flesh, as well as when there dust. Hark, there at their business. Gag that gaping rascal, though he be my Grandsires chief Gentleman i'th chain of gold, I'll have no pity of him; how now lads? There's one care passed then, come follow me lads, I'll led you now to'th point, and top of all your Fortune's; yo'n lodging is my Grandsires. Singlestone! Footman! whewe— I see now thou'rt and Ass, why I'm ready.