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Full speech
Your Comfit-makers Man Sir. She was setting forth Sir. Sir? Your white Mares ready. Where's the Knight? Oh Sir, the Gentleman you wounded, is newly departed. You were best lock your self close. Troth worse & worse, you're Like to loose your land If the Law save your life Sir, or the Surgeon. S r Oliver Kixes Wife is new quickened, That Child undoes you Sir. It shall be done Sir. A Bonfire Sir? This is monstrous. A hundred pounds Sir? That you have marry Sir. But will not your Worship go to the Funeral Of both these Lovers? I Sir, the Gentleman's Brother will have it so, It'll be the pitifullest sighed, there's such running, Such rumours, and such throngs, a pair of Lovers Had never more spectators, more Men's pities, Or Women's wet Eyes. There's such drawing out of Handkerchiefs, And those that have no Handkerchiefs, lift up Aprons. I believe you Sir. It's cast so too, that both their Coffins meet, Which will be lamentable.
Plot summary
Plot — A Chaste Maid in Cheapside
Sir Walter Whorehound lives high on the expectation of an inheritance: unless Sir Oliver Kix produces an heir, his estate will pass to Sir Walter — and Sir Oliver is impotent. Sir Walter maintains Allwit and his wife, paying for everything, in return for exclusive sexual access to Mistress Allwit: he is the true father of the children presumed to be Allwit’s. But Sir Walter is ===== PAGE 327 ===== 1613 planning to discontinue the arrangement and get married: the goldsmith Yellowhammer has agreed to marry his son Tim to a Welsh gentlewoman whom Sir Walter has introduced as his niece, and Sir Walter hopes himself to marry Tim’s sister Moll. Moll has other ideas: her sweetheart Touchwood plans to elope with her, and has Yellowhammer himself make the wedding ring, umaware of the bride’s identity. The elopement is foiled, however: Yellowhammer and Sir Walter intervene just as Touchwood is putting the ring onto Moll’s finger, and Moll is taken home and locked up. Touchwood’s elder brother is poor but virile, and cannot afford to cohabit with his wife for fear that she may produce a legitimate child he will not have the means to support. He has fathered a prolific number of bastards, and refuses to acknowledge one of them when a former paramour, a country wench, brings it to him. She then disposes of the baby by duping two corrupt promoters set to prevent the illicit trade in meat during Lent: she hides the child in a basket and allows them to confiscate it as contraband. Lady Kix’s maid suggests that Touchwood Seniors excessive fertility might solve Sir Oliver’s problems in begetting an heir; Sir Oliver agrees to pay him £400 for the job. Mistress Allwit gives birth to another of Sir Walter’s children. Tim Yellowhammer arrives home from Cambridge and is sent to see his mother at the christening party; he is priggish about being in female company, contrary to university rules, and the women are drunkenly embarrassing. Encouraged to woo his fiancée, Tim finds it heavy going: he tries to converse with her in Latin, she with him in Welsh. Allwit learns of Sir Walter’s plans for Moll, and tries to forestall them by telling Yellowhammer that his prospective son-in-law is a notorious whoremonger, but Yellowhammer is unconcerned by this. Moll disappears from home: she and Touchwood Junior have eloped again, with the help of the London watermen; but her mother drags her home by the hair. Yellowhammer decides to accelerate matters: the wedding is to be tomorrow, and Moll…