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Full speech
Oh that ever I was begotten, or bred, or born. Hist. All but in blessings, And there the Beggar goes beyond us. Oh, o, o, To be seven years a Wife and not a Child, o not a Child. Can any Woman have a greater cut? Give me but those good deeds, and I'll find Children. Thouly'st brevity. Thou deservest worse. Think but upon the goodly Lands and Livings That's kept back through want on't. It's our dry barrenness puffs up S r Walter, None gets by your not-getting, but that Knight, He's made by the means, and fats his Fortune's, shortly In a great Dowry with a Goldsmiths Daughter. I have suffered a long time. Nay thee, thou desertless Slave. Yes, to my much joy, Every one gets before me, there's my Sister Was married but at Bartholmew-eeue last, And she can have two Children at a birth, Oh one of them, one of them would have served my turn. What sayest Jug? What is't Wench? His name sweet Jug? That shall you Husband. True sweet Husband, There's Land to come, Put case his Water stands me In some five hundred pound a pint, It'll fetch a thousand, and a Kersten Soul. I'll about it. And that's worth all sweet Husband. Mine, Drouth and coldness? I barren, o life that I durst but speak now, In mine own Justice, in mine own Right, I barren, 'Twas otherways with me when I was at Court, I was never called so till I was married. Be hanged, I needs not wish it, That will come too soon to thee: I may say, Marriage and hanging goes by destiny, For all the goodness I can find in't yet. Where be they? Then he does all Like thee. But indeed you came not so single, When you came from Shipboard. Is your Son come forsooth? It's great joy on ye. A marriage? It's a great spoil of youth indeed. You're welcome M r Time. Do thy worst Slave, Good sweet Sir bring us into love again. If ever you loved Woman, talk not on't Sir, what friends with him? good faith do you think I'm mad with one that's scarce the hinder quarter of a Man? Would I were less then nothing. I cannot please you. You care not for me. I had you been ought Husband, It had been done ere this time. Thou art a Grub to say so. Why there thou shewest now of what breed thou comest To hinder generation, Oh thou Villain, That knows how crookedly the World goes with us, For want of Heirs, yet put by all good fortune. Ride to the Devil. A Pox go with it. Thou shalt have two Love. With all my Heart Sweet. How must I take mine Sir? A Bed Sir? The Physic must needs please. It makes a hundred weeping Eyes, sweet Gossip.
Plot summary
Plot — A Chaste Maid in Cheapside
Sir Walter Whorehound lives high on the expectation of an inheritance: unless Sir Oliver Kix produces an heir, his estate will pass to Sir Walter — and Sir Oliver is impotent. Sir Walter maintains Allwit and his wife, paying for everything, in return for exclusive sexual access to Mistress Allwit: he is the true father of the children presumed to be Allwit’s. But Sir Walter is ===== PAGE 327 ===== 1613 planning to discontinue the arrangement and get married: the goldsmith Yellowhammer has agreed to marry his son Tim to a Welsh gentlewoman whom Sir Walter has introduced as his niece, and Sir Walter hopes himself to marry Tim’s sister Moll. Moll has other ideas: her sweetheart Touchwood plans to elope with her, and has Yellowhammer himself make the wedding ring, umaware of the bride’s identity. The elopement is foiled, however: Yellowhammer and Sir Walter intervene just as Touchwood is putting the ring onto Moll’s finger, and Moll is taken home and locked up. Touchwood’s elder brother is poor but virile, and cannot afford to cohabit with his wife for fear that she may produce a legitimate child he will not have the means to support. He has fathered a prolific number of bastards, and refuses to acknowledge one of them when a former paramour, a country wench, brings it to him. She then disposes of the baby by duping two corrupt promoters set to prevent the illicit trade in meat during Lent: she hides the child in a basket and allows them to confiscate it as contraband. Lady Kix’s maid suggests that Touchwood Seniors excessive fertility might solve Sir Oliver’s problems in begetting an heir; Sir Oliver agrees to pay him £400 for the job. Mistress Allwit gives birth to another of Sir Walter’s children. Tim Yellowhammer arrives home from Cambridge and is sent to see his mother at the christening party; he is priggish about being in female company, contrary to university rules, and the women are drunkenly embarrassing. Encouraged to woo his fiancée, Tim finds it heavy going: he tries to converse with her in Latin, she with him in Welsh. Allwit learns of Sir Walter’s plans for Moll, and tries to forestall them by telling Yellowhammer that his prospective son-in-law is a notorious whoremonger, but Yellowhammer is unconcerned by this. Moll disappears from home: she and Touchwood Junior have eloped again, with the help of the London watermen; but her mother drags her home by the hair. Yellowhammer decides to accelerate matters: the wedding is to be tomorrow, and Moll…