LAZARILLO

Boy, I am melancholy because I burn. I pine away with the desire of flesh. Pilchard, Cupid hath God me a stomach, and I long for laced mutton. For as your tame Monkey is your only best, & most only beast to your Spanish Lady: or, as your Tobacco is your only smoker away of rheum, and all other rewmeticke disea ses: or as your Irish louse does bite most naturally fourteen weeks, after the change of your Saffron seamed shir or, as the commodities which are sent out of the Low-countries (and put in vessels called mother Cornelium dry-fats) are most common in France: so it pleases the destinies, that I should thirst to drink out of a most sweet Italian vessel, being a Spaniard. I have the Generals hand to pass through the world at my pleasure. I tell thee, I will pass through the world, thou little morsel of Justice, and eat twenty such as thou art. I will pass through the world, as Alexander Magnus did, to Conquer. There it is. Read it your self, what Besonian is that? Mars armipotent with his Court-of-guard, give sharp nes to my Toledo, I am beleaguered, o Cupid grant that my blushing prove not a Linstock, and give fire too suddenly to the roaring Meg of my desires; most Sanguine cheeked La die. Most sweet face you need not hang out your silken tongue as a Flag of truce: for I will drop at your feet, ere I draw blood in your Chamber; yet I shall hardly drink up this wrong, for your sake I will wipe it out for this time: I would deal with you in secret (so you had a void room) about most deep and serious matters. Venus, give me suck, from thine own most white and tender dugs, that I may batten in love: deer instrument of ma nigh men's delight, are all these women? You apprehend too fast, I mean by women, wives: for wives are no maids, nor are maids women: If those unbear dead Gallants keep the doors of their Wedlock, those Ladies spend their hours of pastime but ill, (o most rich armefull of beauty) but if you can bring all those Feamales into one ring, into one private place: I will read a Lecture of discipline, to their most great and honourable ears; wherein I will teach them, so to carry their white bodies, either before their husbands or be before their Lovers, that they shall never fear to have milk thrown in their faces; nor I, wine in mine, when I come to fit up on them in courtesy. I will show them all the tricks and garbs of Spanish Dams, I will study for apt and legant phrase to tickle them with; and when my devise is ready I will come: will you inspire into your most divine spirits, the most divine soul of Tobacco? Lament my case since thou canst not provoke, Her nose to smell, love fill thine own with smoke. I do first deliver to your most Skreete, & long-fingered hands, this head (or top of all the members) bore and uncombed, to show how deeply I stand in reverence of your naked Female beauty's. Bright and unclipped Angels, if I were to make a discoue rye of any newfound land (as Virginia or so) to Ladies & Cour tiers, my speech should hoist up Sails, fit to bear up such lofty and well rigged vessels: but because I am to deal only with the civil Chitty Matron; I will not lay upon your blushing and delicate cheek, any other colours, than such as will give luster to your chitty faces, in & to that purpose, our Thesis is taken out of that most plentiful, but most precious book: Entitled, the Economical Cornacopia. The Economical Cornucopia; thus, Wise is that wife, who (with apt wit) complains, That she's kept under, yet rules all the reins. Since then, a woman's only desire is to have the reins in her own white hand; your chief practice (the very same day that you are wived) must be to get hold of these reins, & being fully got, or wound about; yet to complain (with apt wit) as though you had them not. I will furnish your capable understandings, out of my poor Spanish store, with the chief implements, and their ap purtenances: Observe, It shall be your first and finest praise, to sing the note of every new fashion, at first sighed; and (if you can) to stretch that note above Eela. The more you pinch your Servants bellies for this, the smoother will the fashion fit on your back: But if your good man, Like not this Music, (as being too full of Crochets) your only way is, to learn to play upon the Virginals, and so nail his ears to your sweet humours: if this be out of time too, yet your labour will quit the cost; for by this means your secret friend may have free and open access to you, under the colour of pricking you lessons: Now, be cause you may tie your husbands love in most sweet knots, you shall never give over labouring, till out of his purse you have dug a garden: and that garden must stand a pretty distance from the Chitty; for by repairing thither, much good fruit may be grafted. Then (in the after noon) when you address your sweet perfumed body, to walk to this garden, there to gather a nosegay, sops-in-wine, cowslips, columbines, hearts-ease; &c. The first principle to learn is, that you stick black patches for the rheum on your delicate blue Temples, though there be no room for the rheum; black patches are comely in most wome ̄ , & being well fastened, draw men's eyes to shoot glances at you: Next, your ruff must stand in print, and for that purpose, get poking sticks with fair and long handles, least they scorch your lily sweating hands: then your Hat with a little brim (if you have a little face) if otherwise, otherwise. Beside, you must play the wag with your wanton Fan; have your Dog (called Pearl or Min, or why ask you? or any other pretty name) dance along by you: your Embroidered Muff before you, on your ravishing hands; but take heed who thrusts his fingers into your Fur. Once a quarter take state upon you, and be chick; be king chick, (thus politicly) lie at your garden; your lip-sworne servant may there visit you as a Physician: where otherwise, (if you languish at home) be sure your husband will look to your water: This chicknes may be increased, with giving out that you breed yongbones; and to stick flesh upon those bones, it shall not be amiss, if you long for Peascods, at ten groats the Cod; and for Cherries at a crown the Cherry. If while this pleasing fit of chicknes hold you, you be invited forth to supper, whimper and seem unwilling to go; but if your good man (bestowing the sweet duck, & kiss upon your moist lyp) entreat, go: marry my counsel is, you eat little at Table, because it may be said of you, you are no cormorant; yet at your coming home you may counterfeit a qualm, & so devour a posset: your husband needs not have his nose in that posset: no, trust your Chambermaid only in this; and scarcely her, for you cannot be too careful into whose hands you commit your secrets. If you have Daughters capable, marry them by no means to Chittizens, but choose for them some smooth chin ned curled-headed Gentleman; for Gentlemen will lift up your daughters to their own content: and to make these curl'd-pa ted Gallants come off the more roundly, make your husband go to the Herald for Arms; and let it be your daily care, that he have a fair and comely Crest; yea, go all the ways your selves you can to be made Ladies, especially if (without danger to his person, or for love or money) you can procure your hus band to be dubbed: The Goddess of memory lock up these Jewels which I have bestowed upon you, in your sweet brains: let these be the rules to square out your life by, though you never go levill, but tread you shoes awry: If you can get these reins into your Lily hand you shall needs no Coaches, but may driven your husbands: put it down, and according to that wise saying of you, be Saints in the Church, Angels in the street, devils in the Kitchen, and Apes in your bed; upon which, leaving you tumbling; pardon me that thus abruptly and openly I take you all up. Rich Argosy of all golden pleasure. Cupid I kiss the nock of thy sweet bow, A woman makes me yield, Mars could not so. I shall be mowz'd by pusse-cattes: but I had rather die a dogs death; they have nine lives (a piece Like a woman) and they will make it up ten lives, if they and I fallen a scratching: Bright Helena of this house, wood thy Troy were a fire, for I am a cold; or else wood I had the Greeks wooden Curtal, to ride away: most Ambrosian-lipt creature, come away quickly, for this nights lodging lies cold at my heart. The Spanish Pavin: I thought the devil could not understand Spanish: but since thou art my countryman, o thou Tawny Satin, I will dance after thy pipe. He dances the Spanish Pavin. Ho sweet devil, ho thou wilt make any man weary of thee, though he deal with thee in his shirt, Sweet beauty; shee'll not come, I'll fallen to sleep, And dream of her, love-dreams are never too deep. Ho, ho, Frisco, Madonna, I am in hell, but her is no fire; Hell fire is all put out; what ho? so ho ho? I shall be drowned; I beseech thee, deer Frisco, raise Blurt the Constable, or some Scavinger, to come and make clean these kennels of hell, for they stink so, that I shall cast away my precious self. Thou honest fellow (the man in the Moon) I beseech thee set fire on thy bush ofthornes, to light and warm me, for I am dung wet: I fell Like Lucifer I think into hell, and am crawled out, but in worse pickle than my lean Pilchard: here a bout is the Hothouse of my love, ho, ho? why ho there? I beseech thee Frisco take in Lazarilloes ghost. My Slop and Mandilion lie at thy mercy (fine Frisco) I beseech thee let not my case be thine, I must and will la meant. Worshipful Blurt, do not commit me into the hands of dogs. Blurt— Most cunning Constable, all Spaniards know that all ready, I have meddled with none. I beseech thee most honest Blurt, let not my shirt be ray me. Thy kites and thee, for this shall watch in dirt to feed on carrion. It is thy honour to have me die in thy debt. Bear witness great Duke, he's paid twenty shillings. I do here put off thy suit, and appeal; I warn thee to the Court of Conscience, and will pay thee by two pence a week, which I will rake out of the hight embers of Tobacco ashes, and then travail on foot to the Indies for more gold, whose read cheeks I will kiss, and beat thee Blurt if thou watch for me. A Woman Pilchard, the moist handed Madonna Imperia, a most rare and divine creature. Boy, hast thou foraged the Country for a new lodge king? for I have sworn to say my bones in this Chitty of We nice. Inquire for that busy-member of the Chitty. Knock, or enter, & let thy voice pull him out by the ears. Most clear Mirror of Magistrates, I am a servitor to God Mars. I desire to have a wide room in your favour: sweet blood, cast away your name upon me; for I neither know you by your face, nor by your voice I understand, you are a mighty pillar or post in the Chitty. I do so. Who so ever says you have a black eye, is a Camooche. most great Blurt; I do unpent-house the roof of my carcase & touch the knee of thy Office in Spanish compliment, I desire to sojourn in your Chitty. Signior no, I have the Generals hand at large, and all his Lazarillo de Tormes in Castille, cozen Germane to the Adolantado of Spain. Lazarillo de Tormes in Castille, Cozen-german to the Spanish Adolantado. I will cancel when it comes to a sum. Most admirable Blurt, I am a man of war and profess fighting. By your sweet favour most deer Blurt, you charge too fast, I am a hanger on upon Mars, and have a few Crowns. And dezier you to point out a fair lodging for me and my Train. I scorn to run from the face of Thamer C am. Signior no. March excellent Blurt: attend Pilchard. Hence forth, most deep stamp of Feminine perfection on, my Pipe shall not be drawn before you, but in see cret. Yet rules all the reins: Wife is that wife, who (with apt wit) complains, That she's kept under, yet rules all the reins. Most pure and refined plants of nature, I will not (as this Dis tinction enticeth) take up the parts as they lie here in order: As first, to touch your wisdom, it were folly: next, your complain king, 'tis too common: thirdly, your keeping under, 'tis above my capachitie: and lastly, the reins in your own hands, that is the A-per-se of all, the very cream of all, and therefore how to skim off that only, only listen: a wife wise, no matter: apt wit; no matter: complaining, no matter: kept under, no great matter: but to rule the roast, is the matter. It shall be my Office, my Fees being (as they pass) to take tole of their Alabaster hands. Imperia stays. Admired creature, I summon you to a parlee, you remember this is the night? By Hercules, if any spirits rise, I will conjure them in their own Circles with Toledo. (ready? Saint Jaques and the seven deadly sins (that is, the see ven wise Master's of the world) pardon me for this night, I will kill the devil. Thou Prince of Black-amoores, thou shalt have small cause to laugh, if I run thee through: this chamber is haunted, would I had not been brought a bed in it, or else were well delivered: for my heart tells me 'tis no good luck, to have any thing to do with the devil, he's a paltry merchant. Midnights bell goes ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, Then dogs do howl, and not a bird does sing: But the Nightingale, and she cries twit, twit, twit, twit: Owls then on every bow do fit. Ravens Croak on Chimneys tops, The Cricket in the Chamber hops: And the Cats cry mew, mew, mew, The nibbling Mouse is not a sleep But he goes, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, And the Cats cries, mew, mew mew, And still the Cats cries mew, mew, mew. Is not this the mansion of the cherrie-lipt Madonna Imperia? Lazarilla de Tormes: sweet blood, I have a poor Spam nish suit, depending in your house; let me enter most precious Frisco, the Mistress of this mansion is my beautiful Hoastesse. I beseech thee (most pitiful Frisco) allow my lamen tation. Thou hast soused my poor hogs-face: Oh Frisco, thou art a scurvy Doctor, to cast my water no better; it is most rammish Urine, Mars shall not save thee, I will make a brown toast of thy heart, and drink it in a pot of thy strong blood. My deer host Blurt: Most big Blurt, I answer thy great Authority, that I have been in hell, and am scratched to death with Pusse-Cattes. I did not run my sweet-faced Blurt; the Spanish fleet is bringing gold enough to discharge all, from the Indies: lodge me most pitiful Bill-man. Signior sec. Most thundering Blurt do not clap me, Most thundering Blurt do not clap me. Commendable Blurt. I am kin to Done Dego the Spanish Adelantado. Oh base Blurt! Oh base Blurt! Oh base Blurt! My lying (most pitiful Prince) was abominable. No, I will fallen no more into bogs.