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Full speech
I'll grant the warrant, Think of Piecorner, Furnace. As I do indeed Sir, Almost as much as to give thanks for they. I'll punctually discharge it And give the best directions. Now am I In mine own conceit a Monarch, at the least Arch-president of the boiled, the roast, the baked, For which I will eat often, and give thanks, When my bellies braced up Like a drum, and that's pure ju stice. It's matter of importance. The cook Sir is self-willed and will not learn From my experience, there's a fawn borough in Sir, And for my life I cannot make him rost it, With a Norfolk dumpling in the belly of it. And Sir, we wisemen know, without the dumpling It's not worth three pence, Without order for the dumpling? I had lost my stomach, Had I lost my mistress dumpling, I'll give thanks for. I'll resign my office, If I be not better obeyed. Frantic 'twould make me a frantic, and stark-mad, Were I not a Justice of peace, and coram too, Which this rebellious Cook cares not a straw for. There are a dozen of Woodcocks. I am contented So they may be dressed to my mind, he has found out A new device for sauce, and will not dish they With tosts, and butter, my Father was a Taylor, And my name though a Justice, Greedy Woodcock, And here I'll see my lineage so abused, I'll give up my commission. I will, and meditate what to eat at dinner. This is a Lord; and some think this a favour; But I had rather have my hand in my dumpling. Sir Giles, Sir Giles. It must ring out Sir, when my belly rings noon The backed meats are run out, the rost turned powder. Beat me to dust I care not. In such a cause as this, I'll die a martyr. How! strike a Justice of peace? it's pettietrea son. Eduvardi quinto, but that you are my friend I could commit you without bail, or maine-prise. I'st a time to talk When we should be munching? More stops Before we go to dinner! oh my guts! I will when you please And it Like your Ladyship. Dear master Welborne! So she said; Heaven! heaven! If my belly would give me leave I could ruminate All day on this: I have granted twenty warrants. To have him committed from all prisons in the Shire, To Nottingham jail; and now deer master Welborne! And my good nephew, but I play the fool To stand here prating, and forget my dinner. Are they set Marrall? No wording now. How! no dinner After all my care? That was But a bit to stay my stomach: a man in Commission Give place to a tatterdemalion? Loose my dumpling too? And buttered tosts, and woodcocks? This revives me I will gorge there sufficiently. In troth my Lord after the Sun is up I cannot sleep, for I have a foolish stomach That croaks for breakfast. With your Lordship's favour; I have a serious question to demand Of my worthy friend Sir Giles. How far Sir Giles, and pray you answer me, Upon your credit, hold you it to be From your Manor house, to this of my Lady Alworths. How! four mile? good Sir Giles. Upon your reputation think better For if you do abate but one half quarter Of five you do yourself the greatest wrong That can be in the world: for four miles riding Could not have raised so huge and appetite As I feel gnawing on me. Take my advice young Gentleman: get your breakfast. It's unwholesome to ride fasting, I'll eat with you And eat to purpose. Why that was Sir; only to scour my stomach, A kind of a preparative. Come Gentleman I will not have you feed Like the Hangman of Vllushing Alone, while I am here. Nor I to line My Christmas coffer. Who? Tapwell? I remember thy wife brought me Last new years tide, a couple of fat turkeys. How? with master Welborne? I can do any thing with him, on such terms; See you this honest couple: they are good souls As ever drew out fosset, have they not A pair of honest faces? I am changed on the sudden In my opinion! come near; nearer Rascal. And now I view him better; did you ever see One look so Like and arch-knave? his very countenance, Should and understanding judge but look upon him, Would hang him, though he were innocent. No though the great Turk came instead of Turkeys, To beg any favour, I am inexorable: Thou hast and ill name: beside thy musty Ale That hath destroyed many of the Kingsleige people Thou never hadst in thy house to stay men's stomachs A piece of Suffolk cheele, or Gammon of Bacon, Or any esculent, as the learned call it, For their emolument, but shear drink only. For which gross fault, I here do damn thy licence, Forbidding thee ever to tap, or draw. For instantly, I will in mine own person Command the Constable to pull down thy Sign; And do it before I eat. Vanish. If I show any, may my promised Oxen gore me. Here will I be feasting; at least for a month I am provided: empty guts croak no more, You shall be stuffed Like baggepipes, not with wind But bearing dishes. Brave sport? I am sure it has taken away my sto macke I do not Like the sauce. I'll commit him, If you'll have me Sir? Take a Mittimus And carry him to Bedlam. Is it of the right raze? Honest Master Cook, thy hand, again. How I love thee: Are the good dishes still in being? speak boy. Good! That I might now give thanks for't. A stag man? Puffepast too, Sir Giles! A ponderous chine of beef! a pheasant larded! And read deer too Sir Giles, and baked in puffepast! All business set aside; let us give thanks here. Cause me no causes. I'll proue't, for such a dinner We may put off a commission: you shall find it Henrici decimo quarto. Store indeed's no soar, Sir. Well, you shall or'erule me I could even cry now. Do you hear master Cook. Send but a corner of that immortal pasty, And I, in thankfulness, will by your boy Send you a brace of three-pences. Not to be seen?
Plot summary
Plot — A New Way to Pay Old Debts
Sir Giles Overreach’s schemes for the accumulation of lands and money include a campaign against his prodigal nephew, Welborne, and a plot to marry his daughter Margaret to Lord Lovell. Welborne has sold Overreach all his land to fund a prodigal lifestyle, and now Overreach’s agent Marrall has him ejected from his alehouse lodging: the objective is to force him into a choice between hunger and theft, and so procure his death either by starvation or on the gallows. Welborne goes to see the recently widowed Lady Alworth, who is refusing to see her many suitors, including Overreach’s associate Justice Greedy. Welborne forces his way in and persuades her, trading on his friendship with her dead husband, to entertain him and a guest to dinner. Welborne brings Marrall, who infers from their cordial reception that Welborne is to marry the widow. He is therefore likely to be worth more alive than dead, so Overreach changes his plans and lends him £1,000, with which Welborne pays his old debts. When Overreach attempts to close the trap and force him to sign away Lady Alworth’s lands, however, Welborne refuses, and insists that his own estate is wrongfully detained by Overreach. His uncle produces the deeds to prove otherwise, but Marrall, fed up with Overreach’s maltreatment, has tampered with them and they are invalid. To redeem his lost reputation, Welborne joins the army to fight for king and country. In the other plot, Lord Lovell goes to dinner at Overreach’s house, where another unexpected guest is Lady Alworth. Overreach plans to tempt him into sex with Margaret, so that he will then be obliged to restore her honour by marrying her. Margaret confides to Lovell that she prefers his page, Lady Alworth’s stepson, and, knowing that the attraction is mutual, Lovell agrees to help. He proposes that she should deceive her father with a display of amorousness, and that Alworth should be introduced into the equation as a carrier of love letters between them. Overreach agrees to this, is pleased to overhear that the first letter seems to solicit an elopement, and makes arrangements for his chaplain to perform the marriage. He is reeling from the failure of his Welborne scheme when the news arrives that the marriage has taken place — but the bridegroom has been Alworth, not Lovell. The extortioner goes mad and is sent to Bedlam, tormented by his conscience for his many financial misdeeds. Lovell asks Lady Alworth to marry him.