CALANDRINO

Yes Sir. For bring this sweet face to the Court There will be such a longing among the Madames, Who shall engross it first, nay fight and scratch for't, That if they be not stopped, for entertainment They'll kiss his lips off. Nay, if you'll soap so And not be tempted to a farther danger, These Succube are so sharp set, that you must Give out you are and Eunuch. Why how to behave my self in Court, & tytely I have been told the very place transforms men, And that not one of a thousand, that before Lived honestly in the Country, on plain Salads, But bring him thither, mark me that, and feed him But a month or two with Custards and Court Cakebread, And he turns Knave immediately. I would be honest; But I must follow the fashion, or die a beggar. Peace, thou art a Court wagtail To interrupt me. I tell thee? no, on forfeit of my place, I must not know my self, much less my Father, But by Petition. That Petition lined too With golden birds, that sing to the tune of Profit, Or I am deaf. Why, as this Court air taught me knavish wit, By which I am grown rich, if that again Should turn me fool and honest; Vain Hope's farewell, For I must die a beggar. Signior de Caponi, Grand Botelier of the Mansion. Basto! they are mysteries, And not to be revealed. With your favour Signior, I am in private to confer a while With this Signiora. But I'll pawn my honour, That neither my terse language, nor my habit How ever it may convince, nor my new shrugs, Shall render her enamoured. No, I am bettered. As I Like the project. Let me warm my brains first with the richest Grape, And then I am for you. If your Grace will have me, I'll eat and drink Like and Emperor. Nay, pray you eat fair, Or divide, and I will choose. Cannot you use Your fork as I do? Gape and I will feed you. Gape wider yet, this is Courtlike. But you Like this. Pray you Sir depose me, It will not do else. I am sir the engine By which it moves. Sure the Duke is In the giving vain they are so loud. Come on Spouse, We have herd all, and we will have our boon too. That your Grace, in remembrance of My share in a dance, and that I played your partly When you should have drunk hard, would get this Signiors grant To give this Damsel to me in the Church, For we are contracted; in it you shall do Your Dukedom pleasure. To the Court! Farewell the flower then of the Countries garland. This is our Sun, and when He's set, we must not Expect or Spring, or Summer, but resolve For a perpetual Winter. Were I on the Rack I could not shed a tear. But I am mad, And ten to one shall hang my self for sorrow Before I shift my shirt. But hear you Sir, I'll separate you. When you are gone, what will Become of me? To see you worried? For my stake it's passed caring, I would not have a bird of unclean feathers Handsel his Limetwig, and so much for him. There's something else that troubles me. If I now prove perfect In my A. B. C. of Courtship, Calandrino Is made for ever, I am sent; let me see, On a how do you, as they call't. And then say to th'illustrious I have it. Which is she? Because I was afraid That after the Italian garb I should Have kissed her backward. Are you the Princess? Then stand fair (For I am choleric) and do not nip A hopeful blosome. Out again. Three low Obeisances. I come on then. Umph. One. two. three. Thus far I am right. Now for the last. Oh rare! She is perfumed all over! Sure great women Instead of little dogs are privileged To carry Musk Cats. I'll peruse My instructions, and then tell you: Her skirt kissed, Inform her Highness, that your Lord, Prince Giovanni, who entreats your Grace, That he with your good favour may have leave To present his service to you. I think I have nicked it For a Courtier of the first form. We will share. I know It is the custom of the Court, when ten Are promised, five is fair. Fie, fie, the Princess Shall never know it, so you dispatch me quickly, And bid me not come to morrow. I confess I am not very wise, and yet I find A fool, so he be parcel knave in Court, May flourish and grow rich. Peace. I am in contemplation. I find What was brawn in the Country, in the Court grows tender. The bots on these jolting Jades, I am bruised to jelly. A Coach for my money! and that the Courtezans know well, Their riding so, makes them last three years longer Then such as are hackneyed. And it please your Grace Shall I use my Coach, or footcloth Mule? I have one suit to you My good Lord. That you would give me A subtle Court charm, to defend me from That infectious air of the Country. The Prince in this paper Presents his service. Nay, it is not Courtly To see the seal broke open. So I leave you. Signiors of the Villam, I'll descend to be Familiar with you. Who I? A pidler Sir. Why the whole raze Of such as can act naturally fools parts, Are quite worn out, and they that do survive, Do only zany us; and we will bring you, If we die not without issue, of both sexes Such chopping mirth-makers, as shall preserve Perpetual cause of sport, both to your Grace, And your posterity, that sad melancholy Shall never approach you. Let me see thy notes. These are her lodgings. Well. Leave chattering Bulfinch: you would put me out, But it will not do. Then after you have made Your three obeisances to her, kneel and kiss The skirt of Gown. I am glad it is no worse. Now to my postures. Let my hand have the honour To convey a kiss from my lips to the cover of Your foot deer Signior. The hem of your vestment Lady. Your Glove is for Princes, Nay, I have coned my distances. Be not so rustic in your salutations, Signior Bernardo, Master of the accounts. Signior Petruchio, may you long continue Your function in the chamber. I have all that's requisite To the making up of a Signior. My spruce ruff, My hooded cloak, long stockin, and pained hose, My Case of tooth-picks, and my silver fork, To convey and Olive neatly to my mouth, And what is all in all, my pockets ring A golden peal. Oh that the Peasants in the Country (My quondam fellows) but saw me as I am, How they would admire and worship me! My grand Signior Vouchsafe a bezolus manus, and a cringe Of the last edition.