TRIMALCHIO

You are the only Garden of y delight, And I your deer Adonis, honoured Lady. Boy, Go and dispatch those Letters presently. Return my service to the Lady Lautus. And carry back her Watch, and Diamond. Ask if the Dutch sse has been there to day. And if you chance to see the Lord her brother, Tell him I'lll meet him at the Ambassadors. No less then seven Ceaches to attend me, To fetch me Valens, No ns. The Lord Philantus, and some min Nobles. Whose names, I am loa h should clog my memory. They strove for me, as the seven Grecian Cities Were said to wrangle about the blind Poet. I had the grace To go with none of them, made and excuse. to avoid their troublesome visitations. I know not, yet I still abuse them all. I mean laugh at them. Some passages, some sprinkling of my wit, No otherwise, for which you little think How I am feared amongst them, how the Ladies Are took with my conceits, how they admire My wit, and judgement, trust me with their secrets, Beyond their Painter, or Apothecary. I'll tell you in a word, but it'll perplex you, I am their Lasanophorus. Their winged Mercury, to be employed On messages, and for my company, They swear it is the Element they move in. I thank my Fates, they have not altogether Envied me the fruition of such gifts Are worth the taking notice of, beside Some special helps of our own industry. I lately studied the Economicks. The ordering of my Family. I have reduced it to a certain method. I'll tell you, since, my fatehrs death, First thing I did, I cashiered his old servants; And to avoid confusion, and expense, I left the Country, to revel it here. I'th view of the world, and in the sighed of beauty's, And have confined my self unto some certain Appendices, some necessary implements. My single Page, my Coach, my Groom, my Footboy, And my two pentsonary Whores. Stay, who comes there? My body Is all of and itch, to be acquainted with him, Pray speak to him for me. You will for ever thrall me to your service. Do you know me then? Indeed, my father's name Was Malchio, for my three additions, Of Valour, Wit, and Honour, it's enlarged To M r . Trimalchio; this is wonderful. A good Commonwealths man. Stand by a while, I must reward his virtues. Sir, will you please to enlarge your disposition, to accept a Courtesy, to bind me to you. Have you skill in the face, Sir? How do you find my looks inclined to State? Who would have lost the opportunity Of getting such a friend? Came you from Holland? Pray what news from Holland? What all Holland beleaguered? Is there such hight service there? Shall's built a Sconce there? Agreed, who is the Leader of These factious troops? How, a woman? Now by to is and, and Amazonian, A Toma , a right Pe this e. I'll view this Leaguer by this light, and swim Like a Leander over the Hell pout, That shall divide me from these Heroines. No pox, I know them all too well for that: I can use them for recreation, or so. I'll none of them, They are Like old clothes that have been worn. By instinct, it may be. Will you bring me to her? And I'll confirm all with a jointure. Nay, when I see her, I am sure of her. I have a little hast, I am to meet A Countess at the Exchange within this hour. Beside, I have a Catalogue of business, If I could think on't: so I take my leave, Farewell Gentlemen. Where be these noble Ladies? I am in haste, And only come to see you: there's a banquet Stands ready on the table, and the Lords Swear they will not fit down, until I come. I think I must retire my self, I am So sued and sought to, where I come, I am grown Even weary of their loves: Last night at a Masque, When none could be admitted. I was led in By the hand, by a great Lord, that shall be nameless, And now this morning early, in his Chamber, A Fencer would needs play with me at foils, I hit him in three places, and disarmed him. I must crave pardon, Is this your brother? I must embrace him. I never saw a man in all my life I so affected on the sudden, sure There's some Nobility does lurk within him That's not perspicuous to every eye: He promises so fair, I should have known him To be your brother, had you not told me so. Is that all? I'll take him To Court with me, where he shall be acquainted With Pages, Laundresses, and waiting women, Shall teach him impudence enough. I pray Sir, Without offence, may I demand of you, What do you profess? I shall Be proud to know him. I have indeed, Received letters of invitation From one, that's son to a Magnifice, Who is informed that I am very Like him. Sir, had I power Over my occasions, which now are urgent, I would most willingly employ the time In survey of your virtues. Sir, you needs not. Sir I must be abrupt, but for my promise Unto some Noble friends that do expect me, I could not asily be drawn away From oh e in whom so many several graces Are so apparent, therefore I entreat you Not to impute it to my lack of judgement, Or neglect of your worth. My wit, it never fails me, I have it at a certainty: I'll set it To run so many hours, and when it's down, I can wind it up Like a Watch. But I fear I have deceived the time too long. Ladies, I'll take my leave of your fair beauty's: you have No service to enjoin? If he please, and his Tutor. I'll bring him Unto a Captain, shall set both our faces To look Like the very Janus of a Statesman, And so farewell. Come Sir. HOw goes our matters forward? Very well Sir. Why the Captain Has put me in a form: I, so I will. For look you Sir, I have the several graces Of four Nations, in imitation Of the four Elements, that make a man Concu re to my perfection. I am in my compliment, and Italian, n my heart a Spaniard, In my disease a Frenchman, And in mine appetite and Hungarian. I'll fit her then, I am as humoursome As her self, I have all the four humours. I am hight, I am cold, I am dry, and I am moist. O you mistake me. I am ot in my ambition, I am dry in my jests, I am cold in my charity, And moist in my luxury. Captain, a word with you: Were I not best look Like a Statesman, think you? My boldness. You must pardon me, For I am jealous of the least digression: And you may justly frown. Lady, you have those fair additions Of wealth, and parentage, joined to your virtues, That I may justly suspect your disdain: But by my Hope's, I do not court your Fortune's, But you. 'Tis a speech Lady, Worthy and Empress. I am a made man, Since you have cleared the heaven of your brow: Now by that light I swear, a brighter day N e broke upon me. Now by this air, that does report your voice With a found more then mortal: by your fair eyes, And as I hope to be enrolled your servant, I honour the meanest stitch in your garment. Oh divine counsel! that so rare a beauty Should mix with wisdom: these words are not lost. I am your slave for ever. I'll go hire Six Poets to sing your praise, and I my self Will be the seventh to make up the consort. I am busy here. How do you Like the fabric of this Watch? It cost me twelve pound, by this light, this morning. It's at your service, Lady. Nay, but You must not have it. I'll give you as good, but this is none of mine, By this hand I borrowed it. I said so indeed. Gone in a fume. She would have begged my Watch, and I excused it. I know not: I think my wit was cramped, What shall I do? Do you carry it; tell her withal, I'll send her A Coach and four horses, to make her amends. By my life, I'll send them without fail, immediately. Led on good brother, I am all of a sweat, Until some gale of comfort blow upon me. Are you for the war indeed? I think no body. It's true indeed, That I am grown ambitious of honour. And mean to purchase it. I mean to hazard a limb for it. To the Leager, Upon the same employment, that Hercules Did once against the Amazons. We shall hear of you, By the next Caranto, I make no doubt of it. Brother Capritto, are you well provided With ammunition? armed Capa pea, To scale the Fort of our Semiramis? Then let us on, And beat a parley at the gates. So, ho. Be not too boisterous, my son of thunder. We are wellwishers to thy camp, and thee, Here is a freshman, I would have acquainted With the mystery of your iniquity. No sir, here's money for you. Stay punk, make room for us, That have advanced our banners to thy walls, Passed all the pikes, the perdues, and the Centries. 'Tis a good Omen, wheres Bellona there, And the daughters of Mars, those brave Girls? We are come to pay our homage to their smocks. Fear not, we are tributaries, punk. I shall Endeavour to preserve thy dignity, Art thou that brave Hyppolite, that governs This troop of Scythians? Speak, Orsthya, My Menalippe, my Antiope We are sworn vassals to your petticoats. I know Thy power, punk, and do submit me, punk, Tam Marti, quam Ʋ eneri. 'Tis thy Motto, punk. I threw thy Cerberus a sleepy Morsel, And paid thy Charon for my waftage over. And I have a golden sprig for my Proserpine. Nay I do honour Thee, and thy house, and all thy vermin in't. And thou dost well to stand upon thy guard, Spite of the statutes. 'Tis a Castle this, A Fort, a Metrapolitan bawdy house. A Cynosarges, such as Hercules Built in the honour of his pedigree, For entertainment of the baste ard issue Of the bold Spartan. But here's a brother of mine is somewhat bashful: I'ld feign deliver him to thy discipline. Lo you there, sir, you shall come forth in print March on, my Calypso, come sir, follow your colours. You shall have the leading of the first title, Murder, Murder, M r . Constable, Murder. Oh M r . Constable, we have been so used, As never two adventurous Gentlemen In the hands of their enemies. Let me take breath: I am at the last gasp. We have eskapt from the den of the Cyclops, There was one ran a spit against my eyes. Good sir, let's think on some revenge, call up The Gentlemen prentices, and make a Shrouetuesday. There I lost my hat and sword in the rescue. And while some strove to hold my hands, The other dived in my pockets. I am sure, There was a fellow with a tanned face, whose breath Was grown sulphurous with oaths and tobacco, Puffed terror in my face, I shall never be Mine own man again. Fly from their rage, sir; they are worse then Harpies, They'll tear us, as the Thracians did Orpheus, Whose Music, though it charmed the powers of Hell, Could not be herd amongst these. Mr. Ardelio And Miscellanio, I joy to see you, Though ill met here. Mr. Ardelio, Who would expected to have met you here? His own Minerva, And my helped, sir. Whither must we go? Our own men, sir. 'Tis almost as hard usage as the Leager. You may read Some adventures in our habit, we have seen, And tasted the experience of the wars. Is inhabited With furies, that do multiply Like Hydra: And army of diseases can't suppress them, Beside their many fallings tother way. How old she hear of it? Trimalchio. No sir. But I have formerly been entertained As a poor utor to her graces favour. Nay good sir, do not chide. Good sir, say no more. I am a raycor, I have killed a man, Committed sacrilege. Let her seek revenge For these, or if less punishment will serve: To have me beaten, I'll run naked to her. I was never out of town. You might have found us then. Well, shall I tell you, Captain? This Gentleman and I Have passed through purgatory, since I saw you. If I should tell you all the passages At the Leager. It's such a story Would fill a Chronicle. He made me sure To my mistress, before we parted. Honest Ardelio, And Misellanio, we were all together In rebellion, and quit by a Letter, That came from my mistress. What. That I am sure he does not. If he be weary of his life, he may. Why what can he pretend to her? He kill me! I'll kill him first. I fight by Geometry. Yes sir, here I hold My Rapier, mark me, in a diameter To my body; thats the centre, conceive me. And my hilt, partly of the circumference. Which hilt is bigger then my body. Yes at such a distance. And he shall never hit me, while he lives. No. No by this light: it is my own invention. I learned it in my travels. I'l show you in Geometry, Two parallels can never meet: now we two Being parallels, for so we are, that is Equal in wit and valour, can never meet. And if we never meet, we shall never fight. I do defy him. No, I scorn it. Captain, a word with you. I am afraid he comes with the black art. He has lain with and old witch at Sweden. And is grown stick free. I'll be resolved of that before I fight. I marry do I, I have known one of them, Do more then that, when her husband has followed Strange women, she has turned him into a Bezer, And made him bite out his own stones. I'll tell you another as strange as that, of one When a Vintner has sent her but ill wine, She has converted him into a Frog. And then conjured him into one of his butts, Where he has lived twelve months upon the lees, And when his old guests chance to come to see him, He has croackt to them, out at the bunghole. There was a Lawyer That spoke against one of them at the bar. Turned him into a Ram, And still that Ram retains his profession, Has many Clients, and pleads causes as well As some Lawyers in Westminster. I know not, but 'tis good to be mistrustful. He may have advantage in the encounter. Nay then have at you. Hold me not, I say I am as fierce as he. I agree. She is mine already. I am sure to her, Before a Justice. Nay, we do take. Come, let us to the Church. Make room, me thinks You should not stop the course of Justice so. My Lord Philantus, you are welcome from The Wars, and I from the Church. I wonder Who makes the better return, you have God Honour, and so have I. But where's your wealth? I can embrace five thousand pounds, a year. That's nothing with you, I have no more wit, Then to be pied by pimps, and marry whores, Yet I mean shortly to rank with your honour. Here is my warrant, I have promised her, To make her a Countess, but thats nothing with you, Nay, more then this I can go on, and leave Some advancement: behind me. Ecce signum, What say you? In what? my wife? I married her for a maid. And whither she be one, or no, I care not. I so she must, he gave her at the Church. I do not think so, You'll not make me believe that I took her For a Lords daughter, and a great heir. Where are Agurtes and the Captain to justify it? Is he your father? Well, if he be, 'tis no disparagement, To marry a Justices daughter. Who have we here? Agurtes And the Captain? Was't you that played the Justice? And you his clarke? Then you are a knot of knaves for your labour. Now I perceive that I am plainly gulled. I'll none of her by this light. Nay, if you say so, then must I needs love her: But by this hand, I thought you would have jeered me. STand by, it is my happiness invites me. Oh that I could appear Like Jupiter, Unto his Semele. Yes, with my love I would; most Luculent Lady, After the late collection of my spirits, Lost in the admiration of your beauty, Let me crave pardon. No: I would not be uspected of such a crime for a Million. But 'tis no sin to know Geometry; And by that, I can tell we shall never fight. They have spoiled us Of our cloaks, our hats, our swords, and our money.