AGURTES

'Tis a dull age this same, casts not her eyes On men of worth, Captains and Commanders, Victorious abroad, are vanquished at home, With poverty, and disgrace, they look as bade As Brutus, when he met his evil Genius: Worse, then they had been frighted from the ruins Of Isis Temple; and you Sir, for your partly, That have been brought up under me at my elbow, A daily witness unto all my projects, That might have God experience enough To cozen a whole State, if they had trusted you. Now to be wanting to your self, worn out, No name, or title, but on posts, and trenchers, And doors, scored with a coal, in stead of chalk. Are my Hope's come to this? Nay, if you have no will, Nor power to fr e your self, you must resolve To stick in the dirt still. I cry you mercy, you would feign be stiled And honest politic fool, ee all men's tu nes Served but your own; so leave off to be good. For what is now accounted to be good? Take a good Lawyer, or a good Attorney, A Citizen that's a good Chapman; In a good sense what are they? I would knows Why a good Gamester, or a good Courtier? Is't for their honest dealing? Take a good Poet, And if he write not bawdy lines and raptures, I'll not give a pin for him. Well I perceive that I must once more take you To my protection, which if I do, I'll teach you better rules, you shall no more Commit your misery to lose papers. Nor court my Lord with Panegyrics, nor make Strange Anagrams of my Lady: you shall not needs To deal for stale Commodities, nor yet Send forth your privy Bills without a Seal, To free you from your lodging, where you have Lain in, most partly of the vacation. You shall no longer run in score with your hostess For brown Tosts and Tobacco, but you shall leave Your open standings at the ends of Lanes, Or your close coverts in Tobacco-shops, Where you give strict attendance Like a Sergeant, Until some antedated Country cloak Pass by, whom you most impudently may Assault, to borrow twelve pence; but bear up Stiffly, and with the best. We will not call Tiresias from the dead, To show us how, as he did once Ʋ lysses. You must resolve to learn virtue from others, Fortune from me. I have a bird i'th wind, I'll fly thee on him. He shall be thy adventure, thy first quarry. A golden one, that drops his feathers, That has received his patrimony, gives money For all acquaintance, when he first came up, His only search was for prime Courtezans. And those he entertained for Mistress's, Only sometime to drink a health to them, The Ladies too would use him for a cooler, But they suspect his silence, yet he uses Their names and titles as familiarly As he had bought them, thou shalt hook him in, And crack him Like a Nut. The same, that heaped up money by the Bush l; And now this studies how to scatter it. His father walks to see what becomes of it, And that's his torment after death. He is to meet me here within this hour, Then take you and occasion to pass by, And I will whisper to him privately, And praise thee, beyond Pirrbus or Hannibal. You must talk, and look big, it'll be the grace on't. Any thing. Broker, or Pandar, Cheater, or Lifter, And steal Like a Lacedaemonian. Observe what I do, and fill up the Scene. How now? what news? How, five or six. What manner of men are they? They are my Gibeonites, Are come to traffic with me, some design Is now on foot, and this is our Exchange time. These are my old projectors, and they make me The superintendent of their business. But still they shoot two or three bows too short, For want of money and adventurers. They have as many demurs as the Chancery, And hatch more strange imaginations Than any dreaming Philosopher: one of them Will undertake the making of Bay-salt, For a penny a Bushel, to serve the State, Another dreams of building waterworks, Drying of Fens and Marshes, Like the Dutchmen. Another strives to raise his Fortune's, from Decayed Bridges, and would exact a tribute From Alehouses, and sign-posts: some there are, Would make a thoroughfare for the whole kingdom, And office, where Nature should give account For all she took, and sent into the world. But they were born in and unlucky hour, For some unfortunate mischance or other, Still come a'thwart them; well I must into them, And feast them with new Hope's, it'll be good sport, To hear how they dispure it, Pro, and Con. In the mean time, Autolicus, prepare To meet my Courtier. 'Tis near about the time he promised. What M. Trimalchio. You are punctual to your hour. Trim. Sir, for your sake, I can dispense with my occasions. You'll not imagine what a heavy stir, I had to come to day. Why what's the matter? Pray from whom? How God you rid of them? How do they relish your neglect of them? How? not abuse them. Their Pisse-pot carrier. You are happy, Siguier Trimalchio. What's that? As how? And these Are all your inventory. Oh it's Autolicus. My Noble friend and brother of the Sword; His stomach, and his Blade are of one temper, Of equal edge, and will eat flesh alike. He walks there melancholy; to show that worth Can pass unregarded, be proud to know him, He is the shrewdest pated fellow breathing, The only Engineere in Christendom, Will blow you up a Carrack Like a squib, And row under water. the Emperor, And Spinola, by secret intelligence, Have laid out for him any time this ten years, And twice he has escaped them by a trick. He is beyond Doedalus, or Archim des, But lives concealed Like a Seminary, For fear the State should take notice of him. Machavill for policy, was a Dunce to him, And had he lived in Mahomets days, he had been His only Counsellor for the Alcaro : He is newly come from Holland. Nay more, he is able To make you a perfect Statesman in a month, Able to be employed beyond the Line. Hark you, Autolicus, here's a Centleman, Who though he be the Phœbus of the Court, So absolute in himself, that the desires Of all men tend towards him, and has power Enough, to wander in the Zodiac Of his own worth, yet craves your acquaintance. By and instinct, Sir, men of quality Cannot lie hid. Alas, it's nothing, Sir, if you knew all. No Ambuscado of the enemy, No treachery, or plot, but he foresees it. He was the first brought oh re the mystery Of building Sconces here in England, a Trade That many live upon. But this is certain, once in a strait Leaguer, When they were close besieged, their Ammunition And victuals, most partly spent, he found a means, To yield the Town on composition. It's well resolved, you are not married Sir? What think you of a rich Widow? I Like you, that you care not for such relics; But yet I think I have a match will fit you, And Orphan, a young heir, that has some thousands, Beside her possibilities, if you Can win her, she is at her own disposing, There's one that knows her. I, and perhaps persuade her to't, you know not Let us secure this business first of all, And then wee'll meet at the Leaguer. Well, It's done, I'll tell you more of her, she is one Whose tender years have not as yet aspired? The height of wickedness, but may be brought To commit venery in her own language, And be content with one man, has not robbed Young boves of their voices, knows not her slights, And doubles, nor her Labyrinths, through which, The Minotaur her husband shall never track her, Cannot indite with ar, to or give a censure, Upon the lines are senth er, has no agents, No factors, pensioners, or Champions, Nor has her tears fixed in that ir Station, To flow at her command, and so confirm Her perjury: no large in her expense, nor one That when she is dressed, will call a conventicle Of young, and old, to pass their judgements on her, As if her life were gaged upon the matter, Nor carries and Ephemerides about with her, To which she ascribes your forked destiny, Nor is her body crazy, neither takes she Physic for state, nor will rise up at Midnight To eat her Oysters, and drink Wine, till lust Dance in her veins, and till the house turns round, And she discern not betwixt her head and tail. Nor holds strange intelligence abroad, To furnish her discourse with, neither takes she Her journey once a year to'th Both, nor is So learned, as to judge betwixt your Poets, Which of them writes best, and fluenst, nor yet Is grown and Antiquary, to decide Matters in Heraldry: she has no fucus, To catch your lips Like Birdlime, nor yet uses Restoratives, more then the help of nature; I'll speak the noblest words I can, of you: So many women on a mere report, Do fallen in love with men, before they see them. Farewell sweet M. Coxcomb. This Wench I so commended, is my daughter. And if my skill not fails me, her I'll make A Stale, to take this Courtier in a brake. MArgery, go call your Mistress. That's our comfort, she may put a good face oh it. Thou must insinuate strange things into her Both of her virtue and Nobility, The largeness of her dowry, beside Jewels, the expected death of her old grand mother, That has a blessing for her, if she marry According to her mind, keep him at distance, Make him believe, it's hard to have access, And wait the happy hour, to be let in At the back door. Nay more, if you can act it handsomely, You'll put a perjod to my undertakings, And save me all my labour of projecting, As putting out my money on return, From aquam pendent, or some unknown place, That has as much ado to get a room I'th Map, as a new Saint i'th Calendar. It'll dead all my device in making matches, My plots of Architecture, and erecting New Amphitheaters, to draw the custom From Play-houses once a week, and so pull A curse upon my head from the poor scoundrels. It'll hinder to the gain of Courtiers, Put on by me, to beg Monopolies, To have a sixth share in the business, Nor needs I trample up and down the Country, To cheat with a Polonian, or false rings, Nor keep a taphouse o'th Bank side, and make A stench worse then a Brewhouse, amongst my neighbours, Till I am grown so poor, that all my goods Are shipped away i'th bottom of a Sculler, And then be driven t'inhabit some blind nook I'th Suburbs, and my utmost refuge be To keep a bawdy house, and be carted. It's well, speak for thy self, Girl. Well, prepare your selves To entertain him. We leave the charge to your discretion. Of words he has. But you must do the deeds. All these are good and commendable things In a Companion, but your subtle women Take not a men desert on trust, they must See and feel something, what you give her now, You make her but the keeper, it's your own, You win her by it: I should be loath to see you Out done with Courtesies: what if some Gull, That has more land than you, should interpose it, And make eclipse between you? it's a fear, Therefore you must be sudden, and dispatch it, For she is ticklish as any Haggard, And quickly lost: she is very humoursome. I must be Like the Satyr then, and leave you, If you are hight and cold. Why, would you burn her? Sir, I hope this Lady Shall have no cause to repent your admittance. Is she gone? How did you anger her? She beg your Watch? she scorns to beg any thing. She has more than she can tell what to do with. Perhaps she longed for yours, and would receive it As acourtesie, why would you show it her, Unless you meant to partly with it? You must never look for, The Like occasion offered you; why this Was such a time to win her love: a gift Would put her every hour in mind of you. Best send it after her. Give me the Watch, if I do make all good, Will you perform your promise? Are your disguises ready? Put it on your face. Now they are house , I'll watch their coming forth, And fright them in the form of a Constable, If that succeeds well, then I'll change the person, To a Justice of peace, and you shall act My clarke Antolicus. They say and officer Dares not appear about the Gates: I'll try it. For I have made one drunk, and God his staff. Which I will use with more authority, Then Mercury his all-commanding rod, To charm their steps, that none shall pass this way; Without examination. There stalks one, I'll first know what he is; now they drop away, As if they leapt out from the Trojan horse; This is the Autumn of the night: who goes there? Whence come you, friend? Why, is your Niece a Leagerer, asuttler, Or Laundress to this Fort? You lie Like a Pimp. You are and Apple-squire, a Rat, and a Ferret. I saw you bolt out from that Conney-berry. Out of the wind of me what do you think, You can put out the eyes of a gorcrow? Fob me off so, the Constable, that have The parish stock of wit in my hands? I am glad, That I have God you from your covert. You shall Be learcht, you shall along with me sir. No farther then to prison, where you shall pay, But forty shillings for noctivagation. What are you? whats your name? Do Lords servants do this? Stand by, ther's one has God a clap too. No body. My senses fail me then, who is't? What man are you? Who's that Heronimoes sons ghost in the Garden? Whats the matter? By no means, I must suppress all violence. It weldone. Well, you must all together, Marry, before a Justice, To answer for your riot. I can not dispense with it. Not before next sessions. Bring them away. What, are they come? Then let me see How I can act it: do I look Like a Justice? Here I begin my state. Suppose me now Come down the stairs, out of the dining room, Into the hall, and thus I begin. Brisco. Call Brisco my Clarke. Reach me my ensign of authority, My staff I mean. Fie, fie, how dull you are, And incomposed? Now set me in my chair, That I may look Like a Cathedral Justice, That knew, what belongs to and Assignanimus, And Dedimus potestatis. Nay, though we are Oh the peace, we can give Priscian a knock. Let me alone now to determine causes, As free from error as the Pope. Old Minos, And Rhadmanth, are not so skilldith urn, As I am in the statutes. I have them and vngue Now if they enter, at their peril be it. How dost thou Like my Actium? Let them come in. Now Mr Constable, I must commend your diligence. Come hither. Brisco, be ready to take Their examination. Good: you found four men, At midnight. Whose men are they? So it seems by your Liveries. Write that down; first they say, they are their own men. I thought they would not all be in one tale, I knew I should find them tripping, and I Once come to sift them. You are not your own man. It argues you are drunk. Write his confession, Ex os tuum to judico: perge Mr. Constable. What did you there So late? Record, they say they had business. They shall know. That I am Judge of Record, and what I do Record, shall stand, and they shall have no power To plead not guilty in a Scire facias, By a Recognifance. I have my terms. Then you came from the Leager? You are a fighter then. TO is does appear to me, to be a riot. What think you, Mr. Constable? It adterrorem populum. Why then 'twas and affray, a sudden affray, Directly against the State of Northampton. The Decimo tertio of Harry the fourth clears the doubt. How do you traverse this? what do you answer? How prove you that? I should be loath t'infringe their liberties, I'll send you to betrayed, from whence you came then. Have you provided sureties for the peace then? Whats he that halts before do you mock me? 'Tis ill halting before acripple, Can't a man have the venerable gout, Or the boneache, but you must imitate him? Mock your fellow rogues. I am none of those, that raised my Fortune's with Fiddling and Tobacco. Make his Mittimus. From whom? This Lady, that has writ in your behalf, Is one I honour. It es, your fault is quickly blown abroad. rather seal a Noverint universi, For a thousand pound stale commodities, Then thee should know of it. As for you two, You may pay your fees and depart, you have Your manumission, or this Ladies sake. Master. Constable, you are discharged, and you may Go along with them and receive their fees. Well, I perceive you are A favourite to this Lady. Whats your name? And yours? Two ancient names in Camden, Of what country? The Capritios of Norfolk. I think we shall be kin anon. My mother Was a Capritie, and of that house; Are you allied unto this Lady? I find by that, you are a man of fashion. And would you then? Yes, I must tell you, that you were to blame, Having so fair a fortune before you, to wrong A Lady of her spirit; so rich, and fair, Of un ep ooued chastity, and one So high in birth, nay it's not possible To speak her virtues, and present your self So umpishly, nay perhaps fill her bed Full of diseases. I will not press a good nature so far: You two shall stay and dine with me. I'll send My coach for your Mistress, it shall go hard: But I will make you friends, before we partly. Master Trimalchio, it's and age since I saw you. Not out of town? We sought you about all the Ordinaries, Taverns and Bawdyhouses, we could imagine You ever haunted. 'Twas once in my mind, to have had you cried. Were you before the Justice? That was hard dealing. How? By what strange accident? Is't possible? And Miscellanio turn traitor? Would have your mistress from you, thinks the Letter Was sent for his sake. Threatens, and swears that he will fight for her. I know not, What has passed between them, but I am sure, He has been practising at the Fencing school, To get a trick to kill you. How? By Geometry? Who's that, Capritio? where have you been? Come your ways forth, and lay hands on the spoil. Go led away that Lady by the hand. Now you may take occasion by the foretop, Advance your own predominant the better, And march away, Would you Hazard your self, for one that cares not for you? You may be glad you scaped. Recall your self. Were not you formerly engaged? Not to mistress Quartilla? Let it be now in earnest. Make her amends. I know she loves you. I must acknowledge thee my child, or I Sho ld do thy mother wrong. Why, you may choose. And yet I do not well see, how you can choose. She is your wife, and you have married her, And must allow her means to maintain her. You may declare your self unto the world. And be laughed at: but keep your own counsel, And who needs know of it? My daughters maid, a wench fit for the purpose, Cunning as a Whore: beside, I have provided A bed, and hangings, and a casting bottle, And once a day a Doctor to visit her. Mill seent come hither, know this Gencleman. Captain, herelyes our venture, this is she, The rich Antomo's daughter, the great heir, And Niece oh the grand Sophies of the City; That has been wood and sued to by great Lords, Alderman's sons, and agents of all sorts. Thus we have spoke thy praise, wench, has not seen The man she likes yet, but her Fortune's may Ordain her to some better choice, to the making Of some deserving man, which must needs be Trimalchio, and no other; how likest thou her? Now see that you be circumspect, and fail not In the least circumstance; you may do somewhat Extraordinary, at the first meeting. For when she has conceived of your good nature, The less will be expected. Very well Sir. For I have made your entrance open; told her All that I can to grace you, that you are Exactly qualified, unparalleled, For your rare parts of mind, and body, full Of rare bounty, and that she likes best in you, She holds it a good argument you will Maintain her well hereafter, marry else She is natural covetous, but that's A point of Huswivery, she does not care, You should spend much upon your self, and can Dispense with house keeping; so you allow her To keep her State, her Coach, and the fashion, These things she means to article beforehand, I tell you what you must trust to. As how? I'll after her, and see what I can do. How now, who's there?