LACKWIT

This is a book of Heraldry forsooth, and I do find by this book that the Lackwits are a very ancient name, and of large extent, and come of as good a Pedigree, as any is in the City; beside they have often matched themselves into very great families, and can quarter their Arms, I will not say with Lords, but with Squires, Knights, Aldermen, and the Like, and can boast their descent to be as generous, as any of the Lafooles, or the John Daws whatsoever. The Lackwits Arms, why they are three Asses ram pant, with their ears prickant, in a field Or, and a Rams head for their crest, that's the Arms. Nay, I will uphold it beside, though my father be a Citizen, yet I am a Gentleman's son by the mother's side. Find it out, as if I were such a fool, I did not know my own Coat. I'll tell you father if I lift now; I can go twenty degrees back Like a crab, to find out the track of our genti lity. To no purpose at all, but I know, what I purpose to do with it. I purpose to make a medicine of it. I desire sir to incorporate my self into your ac quaintance. And they would but learn me to swear and take Tobacco, 'tis all I desire. That mother wit that put them in my head, has put money in my purse, and as far as that money will lead me, I will be bold and wise: I have my humours, and I scorn the pollution of the Mechannicks. What, I will bear my self Like a Gentleman. Now do I want some two or three good oaths, to express my meaning withal. Any thing I, you shall make a blowing horn, or what you list of me. I must pay all, must I? And all at my charges? Yes, I have a Taylor that will trust me for any thing that I'll have him. Pray explain that rule to me, I do not understand you. 'Tis very well, is this all? Oh I shall do this to a hair, and by the same con sequence I shall be a Captain sometime: shall I not? Then good Captain let's have a Dance, for these Gentlewomen's sakes; beside there be many that come to see nothing else. What a question is there to a man of quality? Yes I can dance, and that some that are here shall see and feel before we partly; for I mean to shake my heals with that fervour, that it shall strike them into a fit of my love, shall be worse then any ague to them. What tune Captain? I am afraid this dancing will breed spavins in my legs, this caper has put me in remembrance of a click in my back, I God at my last vaulting. Oh Lord Captain, nine such hornets are able to sting a man to death. Who I? Oh Lord brother Captain, I have not the third partly of it. What to do Captain? Why Gentlemen, I hope you will not use me so, your brother, why Gentlemen. Good Crochet help me down, I shall break my neck else. I know not, and ill hour of the brotherhood, I'll after them with a vengeance. Who I pay the reckoning? God's-light I came but now in. 'Sdeath the Captain is gone away with my Hat, and my cloak too, I tell thee I'll pay no reckoning. What shall I do Crochet? I so I will, come sir, I'll go in and talk with your Master. What is't Crochet? So I will Crotchet. Mass thou Wertenberg not with us at the first neither. Thou mightest have carried Away two or three of the Captains oaths with thee. O Crotchet, I am thinking now, how bravely isle live, when my father is dead. Let Crochet relate. I scorn to be the trumpet of mine own valour, I. Well mother, if you will give me twenty pound more, I'll do you such a piece of service, that you shall thank me for it as long as you live. Nay you shall not know, before it be done: the conclusion shall crown it. I warrant you, come Crochet. Yes, 'tis a business that can not be done by one alone HOw do I look now Crochet? Well, and thou art sure there is but one of them, and he comes disguised Like Dotario, to steal away my sister? That man that has done so shall think of me and this place as long as he lives for it: Go and give warning Crochet, that no man withstand me, unless he be weary of his life. I long to exercise my puissance: thou art sure there is but one of them? stand by a little, and let me flourish with my sword, to animate my spirits; now whatsoever he is, that comes in my way, I pronounce him to be a miserable mortal. What hast thou there Crochet. Give by Crochet, till I question them: it behooves a wise man to deal with words, before he descend to blows: what arrant knight are you sir? and whither do you travel with that Damosel? No sir, I do not guard, nor regard any man, and yet I'll stand upon my guard, and this is the point I'll main taine. How, I your brother? No, I scorn to have of fiance with such a conycatcher: you sir Nessus, deliver up your theft, or I will play the Hereules with you. I, she is my sister, but you are a counterfeit, and have stolen her away. Thou villain, dost thou not know, if I were dead, and her other sister, she would be next heir, and then thou mightest be hanged for her? I, this Gentleman has, but you have abused him, and took his wrong name upon you. I am considering with my eye, which partly of him I shall first cut off. A match. Let's lay hold on him; what is he gone? how finely might my father have been cheated, and all we now, if I had not been: that's some roguing Servingman disguised I'll lay my life on't; if I be not fit to be chronicled for this act of discretion, let the world judge of it. Well Crochet, when I have married her to the right party, if my father does not give me forty pounds more, he shall marry the next daughter himself. So I will Crochet, come let us to the Church. Crochet, bid them stay without, till I call for them. Make room there, and let such produce there Game, that have good cards to show. I am sure all the wit and valour I had, was at stake for it. There was old shuffling and cuting amongst them, and I had not spied their knavery they might have put a trick upon us, faith. No, I was at dice. I came the Caster with some of them I think, and I had Like to have made their bones rattle for it. There was a Rook would have gone at In and In with my sister, if I had not made a third man, he would have swept all away, and wiped our noses when he had done. No matter how; but if I have not played the wise man now, and done and act worthy of applause, let me be hist off for my labour. If it be no more thanks worthy, I'll tell you at my leisure, when you have prepared your understanding. Peace sirrah, I'll have no man tell it but my self, because the praise of it belongs wholly to me; and I could but effect half a dozen more such exploits, Idem write my own Commentaries. Well I am content to open the sluses of your hap piness ; let them in Crochet, but take heed you be not too gree die of it, lest the sudden joy overwhelm you. Oh must you so sir? Well, there they are Bark and Tree, but as I am a hairy beast, if I had not been, they had been as far a sunder, as Temple bar and Algate. Why I'll show you. there was and other Changeling as Like to him in shape, as Jupiter to Amphitrue, nay if I should say, as I am to, let me see what? That would have married her in his stead, and car ried her away, if I had not prevented them. Crotchet I would thou Wertenberg a post, that I might Beatrice out my brains against thee. Well I would know, how all these things had come to so good perfection but for me now. Yes I will dissolve it into Aurum potabile, and drink nothing but healths with it. Nay I will domineer, and have my humours about me too. Stay Crotchet, do you perceive nothing? you dull animal look here. No, I will not give, nor lend a friend a penny, there's no such confutation of a men being a Gentleman; but when I am drunk, and have my wine and my whores about me, I'll spend twenty or thirty shillings upon you, but I will not give you a penny Crotchet. You know where to come to me, you shall find me in my pentificalibus. I have drawn the map of it already: I'll go every day in my cloak lined with plush, and my beaver hat, I'll keep my whores, and my running horses, and isle maintain thee in as good a pied livery, as the best footman of them all goes in. Advice me good Crochet. Let him expect my fury Crochet. I will batter any man that shall come near me, my fist is Like a Sling, my head Like a Ram, and my whole body and Engine, and I will make any man toothless that shall offend me. No, to my self.