CROTCHET

I am here sir. Yes sir, and then she and I shall be both in one predicament. Why sir, for ought that I can perceive, she is Like to have but a cold reversion, and thats the ordinary allowance for men of my function, ther's not so much left of him, as will satisfy a Ladies appetite for once, he is picked to the very bones with age, and diseases. His purse that she looks after is lank enough I warrant it, it grieves me to the heart, that such a young beginner as my Mistress, should have no better Hope's of trading. And if he were older, it no great matter. No sir, if he were older. His death would the sooner make her honourable: for having one foot in the bed, and the other in the grave, if she be ruled by me, it's but her giving him a lift, and the next turn marry with a Lord. Yes sir, a Citizens wife no sooner casts her rider, but one of your Court gallants mounts her presently. Why sir, your Citizens widows are the only rub bish of the kingdom, to fill up the breaches of decayed houses. Why then sir, she shall be made a Lady at the least, and take place of her mother. She shall have clients wait at her gates with presents, and yet have their servile offices pass unregarded, she shall manage her husbands estate, and advice him in his office. No sir, she shall have more privileges then that, to be as proud as she list, and have new ways to express it, she shall ride up and down in her Litter, and have a Coach, and four Horses follow after, full of Gentlemen Ushers and waiting women. Alas sir, though you and I have so much wit to look into these things, how should my young Mistress be capable of it, when her husband that shall be is not able to put the case to her? And you know sir, what and ominous thing it is, when a woman does not love her husband, she will either cuckold him, or poison him, and so be burned for a Martyr in wedlock. a Lit. She must fashion her self to love him, I have un dertooke it. And then I'll undertake for the tother. And what ere you think to do, say nothing Mistress. Well, Mistress you do not apprehend the good you may have, by marrying of and old man. First, beside the honour he shall confer upon you by his age, you shall not find him so fiery, and unruly as common lie your youths are, and thereupon being cold of his tempter, you may the easier manage him. Then you shall be his darling, and he shall dote upon you, and though he strives to please you never so much, he shall lament, that he can do it no better, and acknowledge his weakness, that he comes short of your desert, and what he desires, and be sorry, that all he has, is too little for you. The only thing that you needs fear him for, is his tongue, for they say old men are great talkers, but you'll match that member well enough, and for any other partly about him, you'll have but little to do withal. If this be the best language she can afford him, 'twere safe for me not to hear it. I may be called for a witness. I'll come presently sir, I'll come presently. I sir, I hope you mean to give me one, or two of them. How now, what are you preaching over your cups? Now you are in your Pontificalibus indeed. How came you there? Give him what you have, and if he will take your word for the rest, I'll excuse your Hat and cloak, and say you lost them in a skirmish; you must scratch your hands in half a dosen places with a pin. Beside, I have another business I came to tell you of, that you and I must do together, you shall reap the whole credit on't your self, if you can manage it handsome lie, it'll gain you that reputation with your Father, that you shall never lose your self while you live again. Go in and I'll tell you. Indeed he made them all run away, that I am cer taine of. Why forsooth I came at the latter end of the feast, and the beginning of the fray, and there my young Master was God above them all, and stood upon his Guard, and held his weapon in his hand so dreadfully, as it he would have poured down his fury upon any man that should come near him. Now is the time to move the other business. Well Mistress, pray throw and old shoe after us. Very dreadfully: Like a Citizen in a fray, as fear full as Priapus in a garden. Yes sir, and this is the old Gentleman himself, and somebody has stole away his habit to abuse him. If any man be so hardy, let him take his chance. Then you will make his mouth as unserviceable as your father's gummed velvet. I imagined there would be a great deal of blood spilled in the skirmish, and so I brought these to wipe the wounds, nothing else sir: look you here they come. Press that point home. Seize her for felons goods, she belongs to the Lord of the soil. He lies, Beatrice him for lying, what do you stay for? Let's bind him fast, and then lay him upon his back, and geld him. You must not be too sudden now in the opening of your plot, after you have married them. Why before you reveal your proceedings, you shall present your self with a great deal of confidence, and pro mice of desert; walk up and down, with a joyful agony, and a trembling joy, as if you had escaped from a breach, or re deemed your country: then when you see them sufficiently filled with expectation, you may draw the curtain of your valour, and stound them with admiration. To a fool. 'Tis all one. Nay sir they are condemned, that's certain, you have passed your judgement upon them, and my young Master must execute it. Then farewell sir. Come, be not dismayed, what ere you say, I'll swear it: you must affirm you lost your hat And cloak in a skirmish. Why what if I had sir? I can coin them my self without any treason I warrant you. Yes, pray let me hear you. Nothing but the fortune of the wars forsooth: my young master has been in as stout a fray as ever the Geni us of Fleetstreet trembled at. Come sir uncase, your self; 'tis no glory for you to lurk any longer under the person of such a wretch. Pray sir will you get him his cloak and hat again that he lost in the skirmish. Nay, if fortune should not favour such as you and I are, she would leave her old wont.