DROMIO

Then sir you had best let some wise man fit on your son, to hatch him a good wit: they say, if ravens fit on hens eggs the chickens will be black, and so forth. He may for any thing you know. Oh no sir, neither are you sure that you are his father. No, but fantastical of her mind, and it may be, when this boy was begotten she thought of a fool, & so conceived a fool, your self being we rye wise, and she surpassing honest. He needs not sir, I'll beg him for a fool. Let me have in a device. I marry, now you tickle me, I am both hun grie, gamesome, & sleepy, and all at once, I'll break this head against the wall but I'll make it bleed good matter. A monstrous fool. Ah master I smell your device, it will be ex cellent. I see it through your brains, your hair is so thin, and your scull so transparent, I may sooner see it than hear it. Marry either you would have your wives tonge in your sons head, that he might be a prating fool, or his brains in his brain pan, that she might be a foolish scold. Well. So sir. A singular conceit. Think it done, this noddle shall coin such new device as you shall have your son married py to morrow. Lay all the ear on me, Subleuabo to onere, I will rid you of a fool. Tush, quarrel not. What else? Let me alone, I lack but a wag more to make of my counsel, and then you shall see and ex quisite coosnage, & the father more fool than the son. But hear you sir, I forgotten one thing. Nay, Expellas furcam licet usque recurret. Why though your sons folly be thrust up with a pair of horns on a fork, yet being natural it will have his course. Now if I could meet with Risio, it were a world of waggery. His knavery and my wit should make our Master's that are wise fools, their children that are fools beggars, and us two that are bound free. Risio, honour me, kneel down to me, kiss my feet, I must make thee blessed. Nay my master old Memphio hath a fool to his son. And I must convey a contract. Between him and Stellios daughter with out one speaking to the other. Thou dost me else. And all this. Well, let us sharpen our accounts, ther's no better grindstone for a young men head; than to have it whet upon and old men purse. O thou shalt see my knavery shave like a razor! And in good time, look where Halfpenny Sperantus boy comes, though bound up in deci more sexto for carriage, yet a wit in folio for coosnage: Single Halfpenny, what news are now currant? Thou art a slipstring I'll warrant. Why, whats the matter? Well. Laudo ingenium, I like thy sconce, then har ken: Memphio made me of his counsel about mar riage of his son to Stellios daughter, Stellio made Riscio acquainted to plot a match with Memphios son. To be short, they be both fools. Well. Mew thy tongue or weel cut it out, this I speak representing the person of a knife, as thou didst that in shadow of a bodkin. Four makes a mess, and we have a mess of Master's that must be cosened, let us lay our heads together, they are married and cannot. Lucio that can pierce a mud wall of twenty foot thick, would make us believe he cannot see a candle through a paper lanthorn, his knavery is beyond Ela, & yet he says he knows not Gam ut. We burn time, for I must give a reckoning of my days work, let us close to the bush and deli berandum. Wine, Oh Wine! Oh Juice Divine! How dost thou the Nowle refine! Now Lion-like to roar, We were all taken tardy. We will all plod on that, o the wine hath turned my wit to vinegar. We must all give a reckoning for our days travel. Fast eating our meat, for we have drunk for to morrow, & to morrow we must eat for to day. Ingenium quondam fuerat pretiotius auro, the time was wherein wit would work Like wax, and crock up gold Like honey. What Risio, how spedst thou after thy potting? I, it were a days work to discourse it, he spoke nothing but sentences, but they were vengible long ones, for when one word was out, he made pause of a quarter long till he spoke another. Break interjections like wind, as eho, ho, to. Answer him in his own language, as euax, vah, hui. As we concluded I told him that I understood that Silena was very wise, and could sing exceedingly, that my devise was, seeing Accius his son a proper youth, & could also sing sweetly, that he should come in the neck when she was singing and answer her. Then he asked how it should be devised that she might come abroad, I told that was cast already by my means, then the song being ended, and they seeing one another, noting the apparel, and marking the personages, he should call in his son for fear he should overreach his speech. Then that I had got a young Gentleman that resembled his son in years and favour, that would ving Accius apparel should court Silena, whom she finding wise, would after that by small intreaty be wone without more words, & so the marriage clapped up by this cosnage, and his son never speak word for himself. All this fodges well; now if Halfpenny and Lu Ceo have played their parts, we shall have exccellent sport, and here they come. How wrought the wine my lads? If we do it not we are undone, for we have broached a cosnage already, and my master hath the tap in his hand, that it must needs run out, let the ̄ he ruled and bring hither their apparel, and we will determine, the rest commit to our intricate considerations, depart. Here comes Accius tuning his pipes, I perceive my master keeps touch. Come let us be jogging, but Wertenberg not a world to hear them woe one another. In deed thats big enough to put thy honesty in, but come shall we go about the matter? Then will I know my fortune. Then let us all go quickly, we must not sleep in this business, our Master's are so watchful about it. B cause we would come in. Mark her not, sheele turn us all to Apes. A dream for a butcher. What all gross meat, a rack had be dainty. This was devised not dreamed, and the more foe lish being no dream, for that dreams excuse the fan tasticalnesse. Ten to one thy dream is true, thou wilt be swinged. I'll warrant for want of a missed. But whats my fortune mother? My father in deed is a diar, but I have been a di cer, but to die a beggar, give me leave not to believe Mother Bombie, and yet it may be, I have nothing to live by but knavery, and if the world grow honest well come beggary. But what hast thou to say Risio? Gramercy Mother Bombie, we are all pleased, if you were for your pains. Now have we nothing to do but to go about this business, Accius apparel let Candius put on, and I will array Accius with Candius clothes. Tush, their turn shall be next, all must be done orderly, lets to it, for now it works. Well said, I perceive turtles fly in couples. I understand Latin, that is, Livia is a good word. Give me leave to pose you though you be a graduate, for I tell you we in Rochester spur so many hackneys, that we must needs spuire scholars, for we take them for hackneys. Because I knew two hired for ten grotes a piece to say service on sunday, and thats no more than a post horse from hence to Canterbury. You say you would have her heart for a deed. If you take her heart for cor, that heart in her bo die, then know this, Molle eiuslevibus, Cor enim inuiola boil telis, A woman's heart is thrust through with a fea there: if you mean she should give a heart nam Cer uus, then are you worse, for cornua cervus habet, that is, to have ones heart grow out at his head, which will make one ache at the heart in their body. Why as I told you, and let me alone with the old men, fallen you to your bridal. Marry sir, Accius son to Memphio, and Si lena Stellios daughter. I am sure you are not angry, seeing things passed cannot be recalled, and being witnesses to their contract, will be also wellwillers to the match. Sir, heres two old men are glad that your loves so long continued, is so happily concluded. How goes the world, now we have made all sure, Candius and Livia are married, their father's con senting, yet not knowing. But did not the two fools currently court one another. Me sir, why then didst not bring a stool with thee, that I might fit down? I swear then he was well ridden. Yes, in four and forty hours I am sure he had a bottle of hay as big as his belly. No, for I spurred him till my heals akt, and he said never a word. Then is he as good as ever he was, I'll warrant, heel do nothing but lie down. And I restored him so gently, that he neither would cry wyhie nor wag the tail. Yes he was a notable horse for service, he would Tyre and retire. It was a very good horse I must needs confess, and now Harken to his qualities, and have patience to hear them since I must pay for him: He would stum ble three hours in one mile, I had thought I had road upon addeces between this and Canterbury: if one gave him water, why he would lie down & both him self like a hawk: if one ran him, he would simper and mump, as though he had gone a wooing to a malt mare at Rochester: he trotted before and ambled be hind, and was so obedient, that he would do duty e very minute on his knees, as though every stone had been his father. A little rheum or pose, he lacked nothing but and handkerchief. Yes I'll warrant they will, How say you? Nay a pint of courtesy puls on a pot of wine, in this Tavern weel dispatch. Every fox to his hold, the hounds are, at hand. It is well I have my acquittance, and he such a bound as shall do him no more good than the bound of a faggot, our knaveries are now come to the push, and we must cunningly dispatch all, we two will go see how we may appease our Master's, you two how you may conceal the late marriage, if all fallen out a miss, the worst is beating, if to the best, the worst is lie bertie. I had thought they had been sticking of pigs, I herd such a squeaking, I go sir. They be gone sir. As I advised you make a match, for better one house be cumbered with two fools than two. I sir, and more than that, fools are not wise: a wise man is melancholy for moonshine in the water, careful building castles in the air, & commonly hath a fool to his heir. Nothing but all her dishes are chasing dishes. Marry if the clapper hang within and inch of my heart, that makes mine ears burn a quarter of a mile off. Do you not think it would beat my heart black and blue? Then this day shall be my liberty. Then sir I'll revolt, and dash out the brains of your devises. So now they tune their pipes. Nay I'll tell thee, for 'twill never become the to utter it. Memphio had a fool to his son which Stel lio knew not, Stellio a fool to his daughter unknow en to Memphio; to cousin each other they dealt with their boys for a match; we met with Lincio and Halfpenny, who told the love between their Master's children, the youth deeply In love, the father's unwit ting to consent. Contract their wits no more, they be shrunk close already. Mother Bombie told us we should be found cozeners, and in the end be cosened by cosners, welfare Mother Bomby. Sir, I have his acquittance, let him sue his bond. You needs no more send for a fiddler to a feast, than a beggar to a fair. Then we were best be going whilst every one is pleased, and yet these couples are not fully pleased, till the priest have done his worst. Carve him master, & make him a capon, else all your breed will prove cockescombes. You are well read sir, your son may be a bastard and yet legitimate, your self a cuckold, & yet my mistress virtuous, all this in conceit. These old buddles have such strong pur ses with locks, when they shut them they go off Like a snaphance. Hem quam opportune, look if he drop not full in my dish. Yonder stands the wags, I am come in good time. I had as lief have a raw neats tongue in my stomach. Theres a girl stands on pricks till she be married.