PETULUS

The Masculine gender is more worthy then the feminine, therefore Licio backare. What then? Pulchrè sanè. Gods blessing on thy blew nose, but Licio, my mistress is a proper woman. I care not for her qualities, so I may embrace her quantity. I and so expert, that I can aswell tell the thoughts of a woman's heart by her eyes, as the change of the weather by and almanac. No, but faithful and serviceable. I pray thee do. Nothing else? Proceed. I would my bed were a hazard. Nothing, but that I would have her head there among other balls. Oh that I were a partridge head. That she might tire with her eyes on my con tenance. Scilicet. Thats a leaden dagger in a velvet iheath, to have a black tongue in a fair mouth. Then will I mutter, a rope for Parrat, a rope. Oh monstrous mouth! I would then it had been a sheeps eye, and a neats tongue. Sweetly meant. Does she want ears? Why then if one ask her a question, it is likely she will Harken to it. Then belike there she wears her wedding ring. Let us go farther Licio, she hath both us in the wind. What, is she beetle browed? What lips hath she? What is then the chin? I perceive you are driven to the wall that stands behind the door, for this is ridiculous: but now you can say no more of the head, begin with the purtenances, for that was your promise. Notes quoth you, I note one thing. That if every partly require so much as the head, it will make the richest husband in the world ache at the heart. Neither shalt thou Pipenetta, for first, they are too little for thy body, and then too fair to pull over so fowl askinne. Worse and worse. We are no chase (pretty mops,) for Decree we are not, neither read nor fallow, because we are Bachelors, and have not cornu copiam, we want heads: Hares we cannot be, because they are male one year, and the next female, we change not our sex: Badgers we are not, for our legs are one as long as anon there: and who will take us to be Foxes, that stand so never a goose, and bite not? Why, is it not on her head? No, except this be it, to have ones hair lie all night out of the house from ones head. The devil it is. I would he would give me a good box on the ear, that I might have a golden cheek. What difference to be beaten with gold, and to be beaten gold? Tush Licio, thou art unlettered, all the earth is and egg, the white, silver, the yolk, gold. Blirt to you both, it was laid by the Sun. I weep over both your wits, if I prove in every respect no difference between and egg and gold, will you not then grant gold to be and egg? Gold will be cracked: A common saying, a cracked crown. Nay then I see thou hast a broken wit. So will and eg. And egg is roasted in the fire. So is gold tried in the fire. And egg (as Physicians say) will make one lusty. And who knows not that gold will make one frolic? Eggs potched are for a weak stomach, & gold boiled, for a consuming body. And egg is eaten at one sup, and a portague lost at one cast. Eggs make custards, and gold makes spoons to eat them. Mops I pity thee, gold hath eggs, change and and gel into ten shillings, and all those pieces are the angels eggs. We durst not go to Bacchus, for if I see a grape, my head akes. AH Licio, a bots on the Barbar, ever since I consened him of the golden beard I have had the toothache. It is a deadly pain. I believe it Licio, and thereof it is that they call it a dogged pain. Thou knowest I have tried all old woe men's medicines, and cunning men's charms, but interim my teeth ache. Licio, to make me merry I pray thee go forward with the description of thy mistress: thou must begin now at the paps. I have pawned it, for I durst not coin it. Twelve pence in the pound for the month. It is not at herbage. Oh Motto, I am almost dead with the toothache, all my gums are swollen, and my teeth stand in my head Like thorns. Old fool, dost thou think hairs will breed in my teeth? Oh teeth, o torments, o torments, o teeth! My teeth: I will not have this pain, thats certain. I Motto. Do Motto, and for thy labour I will requite thee. Out rascal, what hast thou done? all my neither teeth are loose, and wag Like the keys of a pair of virginals. Do Dello. They were the Jacks above, the keys beneath were easy. Oh my teeth, good Motto what will ease my pain? It is at pawn. Motto withdraw thy self, it may be thou shalt draw my teeth; attend my resolution. A doubtful dispute, whither I were best to lose my golden beard, or my bone tooth? Help me Lycio to determine. I but Lycio, if I partly from my beard, my heart will ache. My heart is hollow too, and nothing can stop it but gold. Nor buy it without money. I but the golden beard will last me ten years in porridge, and then to what use are teeth? 'Tis true, and if I lack money my whole body may go naked. But Lycio, let the Barbar have his beard, I will have a device (by thy help) to get it again, & a cozenage beyond that, maugre his beard. Barber, eleven of my teeth have gone on a Jury, to try whither the beard be thine, they have chosen my tongue for the foreman, which cryeth, guilty. And I thy finger in my mouth to be sure of ease. Dello, sing a song to the tune of my teeth do ache. I and troublesome, for if you call a dog a dog, you are undone. 'Tis the best Calamance in the world, as casilie deciphered, as the characters in a nutmeg. I will. There was a boy leashed on the single, because when he was embossed, he took soil. Why, a boy was beaten on the tail with a lea thern thong, because when he somde at the mouth with running, he went into the water. I, and eloquent, for you must tipple wine freely, & foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum. I'll warrant he hath by this started a covey of Bucks, or roused a scull of Pheasants. I'll warrant that was devised by some Country swad, that seeing a hare skip up, which made him start, he presently said, he started the hare. Remember all? nay then had we good memo rises, for there be more phrases than thou hast hairs, but let me see, I pray thee whats this about thy neck? If it had stood on thy head I should have called it a horn. Well, 'tis hard to have ones brows imbroide read with bugle. No, 'twill make Boreas out of breath, to blow his horns away. Well, 'tis a shroud blow. And here I vow by my concealed beard, if ever it chance to be discovered to the world, that it may make a pike devant, I will have it so sharp pointed, that it shall stab Motto Like a poynado. Nay I would I could come but to kiss my chin, which is as yet the cover of my book, but my word shall stand. Now let us read the inventory, weel share it equally. And inventory of all Mottoes moveable baddes and goods, as also of such debts as are owing him, with such household stuff as cannot be removed. Inprimis, in the bedchamber, one fowl wife, & five small children. I am content, take thou all. These be his move able baddes. Item in the servants chamber, two pair of cursed queans tongues. Nay they pinch worse than tongue's. Item, one pair of horns in the bridechamber, on the beds head. Noli me tangere, I refuse the executorship, be cause I will not meddle with his desperate debts. Item, and hundred shrewd turns owing me by the Pages in the Court, because I will not trust them for trimming. Well, because Motto is poor, they shall be paid him cum recumbentibus. All the Pages shall enter into re cognisance, but ecce, Pipenetta chants it. I know not whither thy fortune is to be a Dut ches, but sure I am thy face serves thee well for a witch, whats the matter? And my heart is Like a hearth where Cupid is ma king a fire, for Sophronia shall be my wife: me thinks We nus and Nature stand with each of them a pair of bel lowes, the one cooling my low birth, the other kind ling my lofty affections. All the Gods me, because I can lie, sing, swear, and love. But soft, here comes Motto, now shall we have a fit time to be revenged, if by devise we can make him say, Midas hath asses ears. Weel make him have a tongue, that his teeth that look like a comb shall be the cizzars to cut it off. How now Motto, what all a mort? He means you are the last of the stock alive, the rest the worms have eaten. But tell us Motto, why art thou sad? Belike it is the wennes. Ten to one Motto knows of the asses ears. It will out, I feel him coming. Oh, Motto is modest; to mitigate the matter, he calls his own ears, asses ears. Then will I led my maid by the hand. Yea Motto, hast thou Latin? A fine discourse: well Motto, we give thee mere cy, but we will not lose the beard. Remember now our snuentorie. Item, we will not let thee go out of our hands, till we have the beard in our hands. WHat a rascal was Motto to cousin us, and say there were thirty men in a room that would undo us, and when all came to all, they were but table-men. Well, Foelix quem fanciunt aliena pericula cautum, hap pie are they whom other men's horns do make to be beware. Item, a broken pate owing me by one of the Coal house, for notching his head Like a ches-boorde. Take thou that, and I give thee all the rest of his debts. Nay Motto, treason is a worse pain than toothache. Motto, thou shouldst say thou art lumpish. If thou encroach upon our courtly terms, weel trou ̄ ce thee: belike if thou shouldst spit often, thou wouldst call it the rheum. Motto, in men of reputation & credit it is the rheum; in such mechanical mushrooms, it is a catarrh, a pose, the water evil. You were best wear a velvet patch on your temples too. Only this ods I find between money and eggs, which makes me wonder, that being more pence in the world than eggs, that one should have three eggs for a penny, and not three pence for and egg.