LAZARELLO

And welcome: Never did that sweet Virgin in her smock, Fair cheeked Andromeda, when to the rock Her ivory limbs were chain'de, and straight before A huge Sea monster, tumbling to the shore, To have devoured her, with more longing sighed Expect the coming of some hardy Knight, That might have quelled his pride, and set her free, Then I with longing sighed have looked for thee. Brief boy, brief, discourse the service of each see uerall Table compendiously. Give it me. A Bill of all the several services this day appointed for every Table in the Court: I, this is it on which my Hope's rely; Within this paper all my joys are clos'de: Boy open it, and read it with reverence. A portly service, but gross, gross, proceed to the Dukes own Table, deer boy to the Dukes own Table. Is't possible! can Heaven be so propitious to the Duke? Why then he is the richest Prince alive: He were the wealthiest Monarch in all Europe, Had he no other Territories, Dominions, Provinces, Seats, Nor Palaces, but only that Umbrana's head. If poor unworthy I may come to eat Of this most sacred dish, I here do vow (If that blind huswife Fortune will bestow But means on me) to keep a sumptuous house, A board groaning under the heavy burden of the beasts that cheweth the cud, and the Foul that cutteth the air: I shall not Like the table of a country Justice, be sprinkled over with all manner of cheap Salads, sliced Beef, Giblets, and Pettitoes, to fill up room, nor should there stand any great, cumbersome, uncut up pies at the neither end filled with moss and stones, partly to make a show with, and partly to keep the lower mess from eam ting, nor shall my meat come in sneaking Like the City-service, one dish a quarter of and hour after one another gone, as if they had appointed to meet there, and had mi stook the hour, nor should it Like the new Court service come in, in hast, as if it feign would be gone again, all courses at once, Like a hunting breakfast, but I would have my several courses, and my dishes well filled, my first course should be brought in after the ancient manner, by a score of old bleere-ey'de Servingmen, in long blew coats, (marry they shall buy silk, facing, and buttons themselves) but that's by the way. Follow boy, follow, my guts were half and hour since in the privy kitchen. Oh thou most itching kindly appetite, Which every creature in his stomach feels; Oh leave, leave yet at last thus to torment me. Three several Salads have I sacrifiz'de, Bedewed with precious oil and vinegar Already to appease thy greedy wrath. Boy. Will the Count speak with me. There is no way left for me to compass this Fish head, but by being presently made known to the Duke. When I have tasted of this sacred dish, Then shall my bones rest in my father's tomb In peace, then shall I die most willingly, And as a dish be served to satisfy Death's hunger, and I will be buried thus: My Beer shall be a charger born by four, The coffin where I lie, a powdering tub, Bestrewed with Lettice, and cool salad herbs, My winding sheet of Tanseyes, the black guard Shall be my solemn mourners, and in stead Of ceremonies, wholesome burial prayers: A printed dirge in rhyme, shall bury me In stead of tears, let them pour Capon sauce Upon my hearse, and salt in stead of dust, Manchets for stones, for other glorious shields Give me a Voider, and above my hearse For a Trutch sword, my naked knife stuck up. Where? my Lord I do beseech you. I do beseech your Lordship by the love I still have born to your honourable house. Perhaps your Lordship takes me for one of these same fellows, that do as it were respect victuals. Your Lordship ha often promised, that when soever I should affect greatness, your own hand should help to raise me. And though I must confess, I have ever shun'de popularity by the example of others, yet I do now feel my self a little ambitious, your Lordship is great, and though young, yet a privy Counseller. I would entreat your Lordship to make me known to the Duke. Suddenly my Lord, I would have you present me unto him this morning. Your Lordship shall know that presently. T'is pity of this fellow, he is of good wit, & sufficient un dersta ̄ ding, when ̄ he is not troubled with this greedy worm. My Lord? what noble mann's that? And whats that other? For what was he raised. Something fat. I hope thats not material. Whats he that walks alone so sadly with his hands behind him? Whats that? And is he sad, can he be sad, that hath so rich a gem under his roof, as that which I do follow? What young Ladies that? He's going away, and I must of necessity stay here, upon business. Stay a little, if he should offer to take me away with him, and by that means I should lose that I seek for; but if he should, I will not go with him. How must I speak to him? I hope I shall do it. I kiss the Oxhide of your Graces foot. Full eight and twenty several Almanacs Hath been compiled, all for several years, Since first I drew this breath, four prenticeships Have I most truly served in this world: And eight and twenty times hath Phœbus car Run out his yearly course since. About the time that mortals whet their knives On thresholds, on their shoe soles, and on stairs: Now bred is grating, and the testy cook Hath much to do now, now the Tables all. Your grace does apprehend me very rightly. Good my Lord stand betwixt me and my over throw, you know I am tied here, and may not depart, my gracious Lord, so weighty are the business of mine own, which at this time do call upon me, that I will rather choose to die, then to neglect them. And I shall hunger for it. Lazarello, thou art happy, thy carriage hath begotten love, and that love hath brought forth fruits, thou art here in the company of a man honourable, that will help thee to taste of the bounties of the Sea, & when thou hast so done, thou shalt retire thy self unto the Court, & there taste of the delicates of the earth, and be great in the eyes of thy Sovereign: now no more shalt thou needs to scramble for thy meat, nor remove thy stomach with the Court; but thy credit shall command thy hearts desire, and all nouilties shall be sent as presents unto thee. I will grow popular in this State, & overthrow the Fortune's of a number, that live by extortion. Let me not fallen from my self; speak I am bound It's noble in you, then I take your hand, And do protest, I do not follow this For any malice, or for private ends, But with a love, as gentle and as chased, As that a brother to his sister bears: And if I see this fish head yet unknown, The last words that my dying father spoke, Before his eyestrings brake, shall not of me So often be remembered, as our meeting, Fortune attend me, as my ends are just, Full of pure love, and free from servile lust. I do beseech your Lord hips patience, I do confess that in this heat of blood, I have contemned all dull and grosser meats, But I protest, I do honour a Chine of beef, I do reverence a loyne of veil, But good my Lord, give me leave a little to adore this: But my good Lord, would your Lordship under colour of taking up some silks, go to the Mercers, I would in all humility attend your honour, where we may be invited, if Fortune stand propitious. Let it be suddenly, I do beseech your Lordship, it's now upon the point of dinner time. For plain silks and velvets. Something addicted to the Muses. No, no, no, no: now do I feel that strained strug ling within me, that I think I could prophesy. Hunger, valour, Love, ambition, are alike plea sing, and let our Philosophers say what they will, are one kind of heat, only hunger is the safest, ambition is apt to fallen; Love and valour are not free from dangers, only hunger, begotten of some old limber Courtier, in paned hose, and nursed by and Atorneys wife, now so thryuen, that he needs not fear to be of the great Turks Guard: is so free from all quarrels, and dangers, so full of Hope's, joys, and ticklings, that my life is not so deer to me, as his acquaintance. Then be thou henceforth dumb, with thy ill bo ding voice Farewell Milan, fare well noble Duke, Farewell my fellow Courtiers all, with whom, I have of yore made many a scrambling meal In corners, behind Arasses, on stairs, And in the Actium often times have spoiled, Our Doublets and our hose, with liquid stuff: Farewell you lusty archers of the Guard, To whom I now do give the bucklers up, And never more with any of your coat Will eat for wagers, now you happy be, When this shall light upon you, think on me: You Sewers, carvers, ushers of the Court Surnamed gentle, for your fair demean, Here I do take of you my last ferewell, May you stand stiffly in your proper places, And execute your offices aright. Farewell you maidens, with your mother eke, Ferewell you courtly Chaplains that be there, All good attend you, may you never more Marry your Patrons Ladies waiting-woman, But may you raised be; by this my fallen May Lazarillo suffer for you all. The misery of man may fitly be compared to a Didapper, who when she is under water passed our sighed, and indeed can seem no more to us, rises again, shakes but her self, and is the same she was; so is it still with trans sitorie man, this day: o but and hour since, & I was mighty, mighty in knowledge, mighty in my Hope's, migh tie in blessed means, and was so truly happy, that I durst a said, live Lazarello, and be satisfied: but now— Boy I am received to be a Gentleman, a Courti er, and a man of Actium, modest, and wise, and be it spo ken with thy reverence Child, abounding virtuous; and wouldst thou have a man of these choice habits, covet the cover of a baudy house? yet if I go not in, I am but— Dust boy, but dust, and my soul unsatisfied shall haunt the keepers of my blessed Saint, and I will appear. Were not the house subject to Martial law— If I do not, I will go in and live; pretend some love to the gentlewoman, screw my self in affectio ̄ , & so be satisfied. Why boy? I will lay by these habits, forms, and graven res pects of what I am, and be my self; only my appetite, my fire, my soul, my being, my deer appetite shall go along with me, armed with whose strength, I fear less will attempt the greatest danger dare oppose my fury: I am resolved where ever that thou art, most sacred dish, hid from unhollowed eyes, to find thee out. Be'st thou in hell, rap't by Proserpina, To be a Rival in black Pluto's love: Or moves thou in the heavens, a form divine: Lashing the lazy Spheres: Or if thou be'st returned to thy first being, Thy mother Sea, there will I seek thee forth, Earth, Air, nor Fire, Nor the black shades below, shall bar my sighed, So daring is my powerful appetite. Term it a jealous fu j good my boy. The looks of my sweet love are fair, Fresh and feeding as the Air. Why Gentlemen, what will you charge me withal? My thread is spun, yet might I but call for this dish of meat at the gallous, in stead of a Psalm, it were to be endured: the Curtain opens, now my end draws on. My Lord, so many my greatest wish succeed, So may I live, and compass what I seek, As I had never treason in my thoughts, Nor ever did conspire the overthrow Of any creatures, but of brutish beasts, Fowls, Fish, and such other human food As is provided for the good of man, If stealing Custards, Tarts, and Florentines By some late Statute be created treason; How many fellow Courtiers can I bring, Whose long attendance, and experience, Hath made them deeper in the plot then I. Your Lordship may consider— Now Lazarillo thou are tumbled down The hill of Fortune, with a violent arm; All plagues that can be, Famine, and the sword Will light upon thee, black despair will boil In thy despairing breast, no comfort by, Thy Friends far off, thy enemies are nigh. My Lord, if ever I intended Treason against your person, or the state, unless it were by wishing from your Table, some dish of meat; which I must needs con fesse, was not a Subject's partly: or coveting by stealth, supp from those noble bottles, that no mouth keeping allege ance true, should dare to taste: I must confess with more then covetous eyes, I have be held those deer concealed dishes, that have been brought in, by cunning equipage, to wait upon your graces palate: I do confess out of this present heat, I have had stratagems, & ambuscades: but God be thanked they have never took. Shall I be sure of it then. Go run, search, pry in every nook and Angle of the kitchens, larders, and pasteries, know what meat's boiled, baked, rost, stewed, fri'de, or sovus, at this din ner to be served directly, or indirectly, to every several ta ble in the Court, be gone. What and excellent thing did God bestow upon man, when he did give him a good stomach? what un bounded graces there are poured upon them, that have the continual command of the very best of these bles sings? 'Tis and excellent thing to be a Prince, he is served with such admirable variety of fare; such innumerable choice of delicates, his tables are full fraught with most nourishing food, & his cupboards heavy laden with rich wines; his Court is still filled with most pleasing vary ties: In the Summer, his palace is full of green geese; and in Winter, it swarmeth woodcocks, Oh thou Goddess of plenty Fill me this day with some rare delicates, And I will every year most constantly, As this day celebrate a sumptuous feast, If thou wilt send me victuals in thine honour; And to it shall be bidden for thy sake, Even all the valiant stomachs in the Court: All short-cloaked Knights, & all cross-gartered gentleme ̄ ; All pump and pantofle, footcloth riders; With all the swarming generation Of long stocks, short pained hose, & huge stuffed doublets: All these shall eat, and which is more then yet Hath ere been seen, they shall be satisfied. I wonder my Ambassador returns not! Oh thou Goddess of plenty Fill me this day with some rare delicates, And I will every year most constantly, As this day celebrate a sumptuous feast, If thou wilt send me victuals in thine honour; And to it shall be bidden for thy sake, Even all the valiant stomachs in the Court: All short-cloaked Knights, & all cross-gartered gentleme ̄ ; All pump and pantofle, footcloth riders; With all the swarming generation Of long stocks, short pained hose, & huge stuffed doublets: All these shall eat, and which is more then yet Hath ere been seen, they shall be satisfied. I wonder my Ambassador returns not! Why the ̄ you shall present me as a ge ̄ tlema ̄ well quam lified, or one extraordinary seen in diverse stram ̄ ge mysteries. Marry as thus— Sirrah will you venture your life, the Duke hath sent the fish head to my lord? How uncertain is the state of all mortal things? I have these Crosses from my Cradle, from my very Cra dle, in so much that I do begin to grow desperate: For tune I do despise thee, do thy worst; yet when I do better gather my self together, I do find it is rather the partly of a wise man, to prevent the storms of Fortune by stirring, then to suffer them by standing still, to power themselves upon his naked body. I will about it. Will it please your worship walk? Thither must I to see my loves face, the chased vir gin head Of a deer Fish, yet pure and underflowered, Not known of man, no bred rough country hand, Hath once touched thee, no Panders withered paw, Nor and vn-napkind Lawyers greasy fist, Hath once slubberd thee: no Ladies supple hand, Washed over with urine, hath yet seized on thee With her two nimble talents: no Court hand, Whom his own natural filth, or change of air, Hath bedecked with scabs, hath marred thy whiter grace: Oh let it be thought lawful then for me, To crop the flower of thy virginity. I will not curse, nor swear, nor rage, nor rail, Nor with contempteous tongue, accuse my Fate; Though I might justly do it, nor will I Wish my self uncreated for this evil: Shall I entreat your Lordship to be seen A little longer in the company Of a man crossed by Fortune. Farewell my Hope's, my Anchor now is broken, Farewell my quondam joys, of which no token Is now remaining, such is the sad mischance, Where Lady Fortune leads the slippery dance. Yet at the length, let me this favour have, Give me my wishes, or a wished graven. Then am I greater then the Duke. I am so truly miserable, that might I be now knocked ath' head, with all my heart I would forgive a dog killer. Oh that it would stand me, that I might fight, or have some venture for it, that I might be turned lose, to try my Fortune amongst the whole fry in a College, or and Inn of Court, or scra ̄ ble with the prisoners in the Don geon; nay were it set down in the owter court, And all the Guard about it in a ring, With their knives drawn, which were a dismal sighed, And after twenty leisurely were told, I to be let lose, only in my shirt, To try the valour, how much of the spoil, I would recover from the enemies mouths: I would accept the challenge. Can there be that little hope yet left in nature? shall I once more erect up Trophies? shall I enjoy the sighed of my deer Saint, and bless my palate with the best of creatures, ah good my Lord, by whom I breath again, shall I receive this being? Oh 'tis far above the good of women, the Pathicke cannot yield more pleasing tittylation. My Lord, I will not be idle; now Lazarello, think, think, think. My Lord, what do you think, if I should shave my self, Put on midwives apparel, come in with a handkercher, And beg a piece for a great bellied woma ̄ , or a sick child? Or corrupt the waiting prentice to betray the re version. And 'twere the bore vinegar it's eaten with, it would in some sort satisfy nature: but might I once at taine the dish it self, though I cut out my means through swords and fire, through poison, through any thing that may make good my Hope's. If it be eaten, here a sta ̄ ds, that is the most dejected, most unfortunate, miserable, accursed, forsaken slave, this Province yields: I will not sure outlive it, no I will die bravely, and Like a Roman; and after death, amid the E lizian shades, I'll meet my love again. No could the sea throw up his vastness, And offer free his best inhabitants: 'twere not so much as a bore temptation to me. I will hear nothing; I will break my knife, the ensign of my former happy state, knock out my teeth, have them hung at a Barbers, and enter into Religion. See the rashness of man in his nature; whither? whither? I do unsay that I have said, go on, go on: Boy, I humble my self and follow thee; Farewell sir. I cannot stay. I do hate learning, and I have no skill in the black Art; I would I had. The most horrible, and detested curses that can be imagined; light upon all the professors of that Art; may they be drunk, & when they go to continued ̄ jure, & reel in the Circle, may the Spirits by them raised, tear am in pieces, and hang their quarters on old broken walls, and Steeple tops. My stomach is up, I cannot endure it, I will fight in this quarrel, as soon as for my Prince. Room, make way: Draws his Rapier Hunger commands, my valour must obey. Boy, where about are we? Was never seen so rare a head, Of any Fish alive or dead. Cursed be he that dare not venture. For such a prize, and so I enter. Are you the special beauty of this house? Lady you are fair. You have a very moving lip. It's still the same: how far may you hold the time to be spent Lady? I have not eat to day. It's not so good upon am empty stomach: if it might be without the trouble of your house, I would eat? The day? I do eat little flesh upon these days. I feel it work more strangely, I must eat. I could be far more sprightful, had I eaten, and more lasting. Me thinks your house should not be so unfurnished, as not to have some pretty modicum? Sure I have offended highly and much, and my in flictions make it manifest, I will retire henceforth, and keep my chamber, live privately, and die forgotten. Lady, this kiss is yours, and this. Now am I so truly happy, so much above all fate and fortune, that I should despise that man, durst say, Re member Laz rello, thou art mortal. Gentlemen, why am I thus entreated? what is the nature of my crime? The gods defend our Duke. My friends, will you let me have that little favour— To let me stay the eating of a bit or two, for I pro test I am yet fasting? As thou hast hope of man, stay but this dish this two hours, I doubt not but I shall be discharged: by this light I will marry thee. I do contract my self unto thee now, before these gentlemen. Thanks, thanks. Adieu, adieu. My Lord. But my good Lord— I humbly thank your Lordship: I must be un mannerly, I have some present business, once more I hearti lie thank your Lordship. Madonna my love, not guilty, not guilty, open the door. Yes to thy soft embraces, and the rest of my over flowing blisses; come let us in and swim in our delights: a short grace as we go, and so to meat. I am content, for I do now wish to hold off long er, to whet my appetite, and do desire to meet with more troubles, so I might conquer them. And as a holy lover that hath spent The tedious night, with many asigh and tears; Whilst he pursued his wench: and hath observed The smiles, and frowns, not daring to displease; When at last, hath with his service won Her yielding heart; that she begins to dote Upon him, and can hold not longer out, But hangs about his neck, and woes him more Then ever he desired her love before: Then begins to flatter his desert, And growing wanton, needs will cast her off; Try her, pick quarrels, to breed fresh delight, And to increase his pleasing appetite. I pray thee let me be delivered of the joy I am so big with; I do feel that high heat within me, that I begin to doubt whither I be mortal? How I contemn my fellows in the Court, With whom I did but yesterday converse, And in a lower and and humbler key Did walk, and meditate on grosser meats: There are they still poor rogues, shaking their chops, And sneaking after cheeses, and do run Headlong in chase of every Jack of Beer That crosseth them, in hope of some repast, That it will bring them to; while I am here, The happiest wight, that ever set his tooth To a deer novelty: approach my love, Come let's go to knit the true loves knot, That never can be broken. When that is done, then will we taste the gift, Which Fates have sent, my Fortune's up to lift. Faith, you may entreat him to take notice of me for any thing; for being and excellent Farrier, for playing well at Span-counter, or sticking knives in walls, for be king impudent, or for nothing; why may not I be a Favo rite on the sudden, I see nothing against it. You shall bring me in, and after a little other talk, taking me by the hand, you shall utter these words to the Duke: May it please your grace, to take note of a gentleman, well read, deeply learned, and thoroughly grounded in the hidden knowledge of all Salads and potherbs whatsoever. Your Lordship's ever. I will attend you over against the Lord Gonderi Noah's house. Was very happy: Boy, go down into the kitchen, & see if you can spy that same; I am now in some hope: I have me thinks a kind of fever upon me, Exit Boy. A certain gloominess within me, doubting as it were, betwixt two passion; there is no young maid, upon her wedding night, when her husband sets first foot in the bed, blushes, and looks pale again, oftener then I do now. There is no Poet acquainted with more shakings & akinges, towards the latter end of this new play, when he's in that case, that he stands peeping betwixt the cur taines, so fearfully, that a bottle of Ale cannot be opened, but he thinks some body hisses, then I am at this instant. God let me not live, if I do not wonder Men should talk so profanely: But it is not in the power of lose words, Of any vain or misbelieving man, To make me dare to wrong thy purity, Show me but any Lady in the Court, That hath so full and eye, so sweet a breath, So soft and white a flesh: this does not lie In almond gloves, nor ever hath been washed In artificial baths; no traveller That hath brought doctor home with him, hath dared With all his waters, powders, Fucusses, To make thy lovely corpses sophisticate. Now could I wish my self, I had been Traitor, I have strength enough for to endure it, had I but patience: Man thou art but grass, thou art a bubble, and thou must perish. Then led along, I am prepared for all. Since I have lost my Hope's, welcome my fallen. How sweetis a calm after a tempest, what is there now that can stand betwixt me and felicity? I have gone through all my crosses consta ̄ tly; have confou ̄ worser ed my enemies, and know where to have my longings sa tisfied; I have my way before me, there is the door, and I may freely walk into my delights. knock Boy. My Lord isle talk with him, for I have a friend, that would gladly receive the humour.