DELIRO

Dispatch, take heed your mistress see you not. Nay gentle friend be merry, raise your looks Out of your bosom, I protest (by heaven) You are the man most welcome in the world. Here good Fido: What? she did not see thee? That's well: Strew, strew, good Fido, the freshest flowers, so. Cast in more Frankincense, yet more, well said. Oh Macilente, I have such a wife, So passing fair, so passing fair unkind, And of such worth and right to be unkind, (Since no man can be worthy of her kindness.) No, that is sure as death, No man alive: I do not say is not, But cannot possibly be worth her kindness . Nay that is certain, let me do her Right: How said I? do her Right? as though I could, As though this dull gross tongue of mine could utter The rare, the true, the pure, the infinite Rights That fit (as high as I can look) within her. Well, this must needs be granted. Nay Macilente; do not so discredit The goodness of your judgement to deny it, For I do speak the very least of her. And I would crave and beg no more of heaven For all my Fortune's here, but to be able To utter first in fit terms, what she is, And then the true joys I conceive in her. I, and she knows so well Her own deserts that (when I strive enjoy them) She ways the things I do, with what she merits: And (seeing my worth outweighed so in her graces) She is so solemn, so precise, so froward, That no observance I can do to her, Can make her kind to me: if she find fault, I mend that fault, and then she says I faulted That I did mend it. Now good Friend advise me How I may temper this strange Spleen in her. Believe me Macilente, this is Gospel. Oh that a man were his own man so much, To rule himself thus; I will strive in faith To be more strange and careless: yet I hope I have now taken such a perfect course, To make her kind to me, and live contented, That I shall find my kindness well returned, And have no needs to fight with my affections. She (late) hath found much fault with every room Within my house; One was too big (she said) Another was not furnished to her mind, And so through all: All which I have altered. Then here she hath a place (on my backside) Wherein she loves to walk; and that (she said) Had some ill smells about it. Now this walk Have I (before she knows it) thus perfumed With herbs and flowers, and laid in diverse places (As 'twere on Altars consecrate to her) Perfumed Gloves, and delicate chains of Amber, To keep the air in awe of her sweet nostrils: This have I done, and this I think will please her. Behold she comes. Why (gentle wife) is now thy Walk too sweet? Thou saidst of late it had Sour airs about it, And foundest much fault, that I did not correct it. Nay deer wife; I know thou hast said thou hast loved perfumes, No woman better. But yesterday, I saw thee at our garden Smelling on Roses and on purple flowers, And since I hope the Humour of thy Sense Is nothing changed. But yet they have one sent. What shall I do? o I shall never please her. Why, my sweet heart? Be they my bane then: What sirrah, Fido, bring in those Gloves again You took from hence. Ay me, most wretched; how am I misconstrued? You have a fair suit Brother, God give you joy on't. Pray you good Brother; try if you can cham ̄ ge her mood. And how do's Master Fastidius Brisk? When you please Sir. Is't possible? A friend of mine, sir. Why sir? Sir I will assure you (how ever you esteem of him) he's a man worthy of regard. Marry he is a Scholar Sir. And he is well travailed. Sir, such a benefit should bind me to you for ever (in my friends right) and I doubt not but his desert shall more than answer my praise. He shall not want for those Sir, if Gold and the whole City will furnish him. With all my heart Sir, what sum will serve you? Troth Sir I have promised to meet a Gentleman this morning in Pauls, but upon my return I'll dispatch you. As you please Sir; but I go not thither directly. I were as good have a Quartane fever follow me now, for I shall never be rid of him: (bring me a Cloak there one) Still upon his grace at the Court am I sure to be visited; I was a beast to give him any hope. Well, would I were in that I am out with him once, and—Come Signior lent, I must continued ̄ far with you as we go. Nay de re wife, I beseech the for sake these moods: look not Like winter thus. Here take my keres, open my counting houses, spread all my wealth before thee, choose any object that delights thee: If thou wilt eat the spirit of Gold, and drink dissolved Pearl in wine, it's for thee. Nay my sweet wife. Come Gentlemen. His name is Macilente sir. And my cousin Sogliardo me thinks. Let them alone, obscrue them not. Good sir Puntarvolo. See yonder she is Gentlemen, now (as ever you'll bear the name of Musicians) touch your instruments sweetly, she has a delicate ear, I tell you, play not a false note I be seech you. Oh begin, begin, some sprightly thing; Lord, how my imagination labours with the success of it: well said, good i'faith, heaven grant it please her, I'll not be seen, for then shee'le be sure to dislike it. Anger thee, sweet wife? why didst thou not send for Musicians to supper last night thy self? Here, Master Macilente: you're welcome from the Court Sir; no doubt you have been graced exceedingly of Master Brisks Mistress, and the rest of the Ladies for his sake? Is he no more graced amongst'hem then? say you? Well, I repent me I ever credited him so much: but (now I see what he is, and that his masking videlicet or is of) I'll for bear him no longer: all his lands are mortgaged to me, and for feited: beside, I have Bonds of his in my hand for the receipt of now xx pound, now xxx, now xxv: still as he has had a Fan but wagged at him, he would be in a new Suit. Well, I'll salute him by a Sergeant, the next time I see him i'faith, I'll Suit him. Dear wife, have patience. Oh good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or the Peace of my life is at and end. Nay, hear me sweet wife, unless thou wilt have mec go, I will not go. Oh, on my Soul you wrong her, , Though she be froward, yet I know she is honest. If you love me, forbear; all the Arguments i'the world shall never wrest my heart to believe it. Save you good Sir Puntarvolo. Pray you sir, did you see Master Fastidius Brisk? I herd he was to meet your Worship here. In good time sir. Troth (now I think on't) I'll defer it till some other time. Yes faith Macilente, it's best. For look you sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in't, that— Oh but Signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would— Well sir (how ever you please to forget your self) I have not deserved to be thus played upon, but henceforth, pray you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath at my table, that shall thus jade me for my courtesies. Good Sir. Why I thank you Signior, but what's that you tell me may concern my peace so much? Now by heaven Macilente, I acknowledge my self ex ceedingly indebted to you, by this kind tender of your love; and I am sorry to remember that I was ever so rude to neglect a friend of your worth, bring me shoes and a cloak there, I was going to bed if you had not come, what Tavern is it? Oh; why Fido, my shoes. Good faith it cannot but please her exceedingly. Oh sweet wife speak lower, I would not he should hear thee for a world— No whither with him deer wife, I go alone to a place, from whence I will return instantly. Good Macilente acquaint not her with it by any means, it may come so much the more accepted, frame some other answer, I'll come back immedi ately. Come Brother, be not discouraged for this man, what? You say well. This is all in the bill here? is't not? There's your money, tell it: and Brother, I am glad I met with so good occasion to show my love to you. What is't right? Here Macilente. I marry have I. In the Counter? It's very true, she cannot indeed, I think. I will do it. Brother pray you go home afore, this Gent. and I have some private business; and tell my sweet wife, I'll come presently. I? is't thus! Some Planet strike me dead. Out lascivious Strumpet. I'll tell you by and by sir. Welcome (good Macilente ) to my house, To sojourn even for ever; if my best In cates, and every sort of good intreaty May moou you stay with me. Be pleased sweet wife, and they shall have done: & would to Christ my life were done, if I can never please thee.