COB

Who's there? o Signior Matheo. God give you good morrow sir. I sir, I and my lineage have kept a poor house in our days. Why sir, and ancient lineage, and a princely: mine and cetri came from a kings loins, no worse man; and yet no man neither, but Herring the king of fish, one of the monarchs of the world I assure you. I do fetch my pedigree and name from the first red herring that was eaten in Adam, & Eves kitchen: his Cob was my great, great, mighty great grandfather. O its a mighty while ago sir, and it was a mighty great Cob. How know I? why his ghost comes to me every night. I, why not the ghost of a herring Cob, as well as the ghost of Rashero Baccono, they were both broiled on the coals: you are a scholar, vpsolue me that now. O my guest sir, you mean? Why do you laugh sir? do you not mean signior Boba dilla? I will not give it him. Mass I thought (somewhat was in it) we could not get him to bed all night. Well sir, though he lie not on my bed, he lies on my bench, an't please you to go up sir, you shall find him with two cushions under his head, and his cloak wrapped about him, as though he had neither wone nor lost, and yet I warrant he never cast better in his life then he hath done to night. Drunk sir? you hear not me say so; perhaps he swallowed a tavern token, or some such devise sir; I have nothing to do withal: I deal with water and not with wine. Give me my tan kard there, ho. God be with you sir, its six a clock: I should have carried two turns by this, what ho? my stopple come. What Tib, show this gentleman up to Signior Boba dilla: o and my house were the Brazen head now, faith it would eene cry more fools yet: you should have some now, would take him to be a gentleman at the least; alas God help the simple, his father's and honest man, a good fishmonger, and so forth: and now does he creep and wriggle into acquaintance with all the brave gallants about the town, such as my guest is, (o my guest is a fine man) and they lout him invincibly. He uses every day to a Marcha ̄ ts house (where I serve water) one M. Thorellos; and here's the jest, he is in love with my Master's sister, and calls her mistress: and there he sits a whole afternoon sometime, reading of these same abominable, vile, (a pox on them, I cannot abide them) rascally verses, Poetry, poetry, and speaking of E terludes, will make a man burst to hear him: and the wenches, they do so gear and ti e at him; well, should they do as much to me, Ild forswear them all, by the life of Pharao, there's and oath: how many waterbearers shall you hear swear such and oath? o I have a guest (he teaches me) he does swear the best of any man christened: By Phœbus, By the life of Pharaoh, By the body of me, As I am gentleman, and a soldier: such dainty oaths; & withal he does take this same filthy roaguish Tobacco the finest, and cleanliest; it would do a man good to see the fume come forth at his nostrils: well, he owes me forty shillings (my wife lent him out of her purse; by sixpence a time) beside his lodging; I would I had it: I shall have it he says next Actium Helter skelter, hang sorrow, care will kill a cat, vptailes all, and a pox on the hangman. Bobadilla discovers himself: on a bench; to him Tib. Perhaps so sir, take heed some body have not the by the belly for walking so late in the evening. Fasting days: what tell you me of your fasting days would they were all on a light fire for me: they say the world shall be consumed with fire and brimstone in the latter day: but I would we had these ember weeks, and these villainous friendship days burned in the mean time, and then— Collar fir swounds I scorn your collar, I sir am no colliers horse sir, never ride me with your collar, and you do, isle show you a jades trick. Nay I have my rheum, and I be angry as well as anon there, sir. Humour? macke, I think it be so indeed: what is this humour? it's some rare hing I warrant. How? must be I'll none on it: humour, avant, I know you not, be gone. Let who will make hungry meals for you, it shall not be I: Feed you quoth blood I have much ado to feed my self, especially on these days oo, an't had been any other day but a fasting day on them all for me: by this light one might have done God good service and have drowned them in the flood two or three hundred thousand year ago, o I do stomach them hugely: I have a maw now, an't were for Be isses horse. Marry that, that will make any man out of love with them, I think: their bade conditions and you will needs know: First, they are of a Flemish breed I am sure on't, for they rau ̄ e up more butter then all the days of the week beside: next, they stink of fish miserably: Thirdly, they'le keep a man de uoutly hungry all day, & at night send him supperless to bed. Nay and this were all, 'twere something, but they are the only known enemies to my generation. A fasting day no sooner comes, but my lineage goes to rack, poor Cobbes they smoke for it, they melt in passion, and your maids too know this, and yet would have me turn Hannibal, and eat my own fish & blood: Pull so a read Herri my princely couze, fear nothing; I have not the heart to devour you, and I might be made as rich as Goliath: o that I had room for my tears, I could weep salt water enough now to preserve the lives of ten thousand of my kin: but I may curse none but these filthy Almanacs; for an't were not for them, these days of persecution would never be known. I'll be hanged and some Fishmongers son do not make on'them, and puts in more fasting days then he should do, because he would utter his father's dried stockfish. O, O. By gods day es: I marl what pleasure of felicity they have in taking this rogish Tobacco: it's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke, and embers: there were four died out of one house last week with taking of it, and two more the bell went for yesternight, one of them (they say) will never escape it, he voided a bushel of oote you ster-day, upward and downward. By the stocks; and there were no wiser men then I, I'd have it present death, man or woman, that should but deal with a Tobacco pipe; why, it will sti le them all in the'nd as many as use it; it's little better then rats bane. Nay he will not meddle with his match I warrant you: well it shall be a deer beating, and I live. Marry sir, your brother, Signior Prosp r . Strangers? let me see, one, two; mass I know not well there's so many. I, there's some five or six of them at the most. But a little while sir. No sir. Like enough: yet I herd not a word of welcome. By my troth sir, will you have the truth of it? God's my judge, I saw no body to be kissed, unless they would have kissed the post, in the middle of the warehouse; for there I left them all, at their Tobacco with a pox. O no sir. Nay, soft and fair, I have eggs on the spit; I cannot go yet sir: now am I for some diverse reasons hammering, ham mering revenge: o for three or four gallons of vinegar, to sharpen my wits: Revenge, vinegar revenge, russet revenge; nay, and he had not line in my house, would never have grieved me; but being my guest, one that isle be sworn, my wife ha lent him her smock off her back, while his own shirt would been at washing: pawned her neckerchers for clean bans for him: sold almost all my platters to buy him Tabac continued; and yet to see and ingratitude wretch: strike his host; well I hope to raise up and host of furies for't: here comes M. Doctor. An't please your worship, I am a poor neighbour of your worships. I sir, at the sign of the water-tankerd, hard by the green lattice: I have p idem scot and lot there any time this eighteen years. No sir: to the parish: marry I have seldom scaped scot free at the lattice. An't Like your worship, I am come to crave the peace of your worship. No god's my comfort, I mean your worships warrant, for one that hath wronged me sir: his arms are at too much li bertie, I would feign have them bound to a treaty of peace, and I could by any means compass it. No sir; but I go in danger of my death every hour by his means; and I die within a twelvemonth and a day, I may swear, by the laws of the land, that he killed me. Marry sir: both black and blue, colour enough, I warrant you I have it here to show your worship. A Gentleman in the city sir. Signior Bobadilla. Marry sir, because I spoke against their vagrant Ta bacco, as I came by them: for nothing else. Oliver C b, sir set Oli er Cob, sir. O I beseech your worship for gods love, deer ma ster Doctor. O good master Doctor, sweet Gentleman. Dear master Doctor. Oh divine Doctor, thanks noble Doctor, most dainty Doctor, delicious Doctor. What Tib, Tib, I say. May I? swounds Tib you are a whore: How the lie? and in my throat too? do you long to be stabbed, would? O he hath basted me rarely, sumptuously: but I have it hear will S use him, o the doctor, the honestest old Tro jan in all Italy, I do honour the very lea of his dog: a plague on him he me once in a villainous filthy fear: marry it vanished away smook of To cco: but I was smookt soundly first, I thank the Devil, and his good Angel my guest: well wife: or Tib (which you will) get you in, and lock the door I charge you, let no body into you: not Bob badilla himself; nor the di ell in his likeness; you are a woe man; you have flesh and blood enough in you; therefore be not tempted; keep the door shut upon all comers. How? Tut sour, thou art a flower, Keep close thy door, I ask no more. W y whats the matter? whats here to do? Slid in my house? who wronged you in my house? Do you here? Cob beats his wife. did I not charge you keep your do es shut here, and do you let them lieopen for all continued ̄ mers, do you scratch. I, come, you sha l go afore the Do to r. Nay you h we stonnd me I faith? you hue given me a knock on the forehead, will stick by me: cuckold? Swounds cuckold? Mass thats true, when was Bobadilla hear? that Rog e, that , that fencing B rgullian? isle tickle him I faith.