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Full speech
Troth I expect their Office, their great Office! the Staple, what it will be! they have talked on't, but we see't not open yet; would Butter would come in, and spread itself a little to us. If it be fresh and sweet butter; but say it be Sour and wheyish. I would feign see and Alderman in chimia! that is a treatise of Aldermanity truly written. They were as good, yet, as butter could make them! Absurdity on him, for a huge overgrown Playmaker! why should he make him live again, when they, and we all thought him dead? If he had left him to his rags, there had been and end of him. So he did, Gossip: and kept the best company. To found and Academy! Plant his Professors, and water his Lectures. Kill the Hope's of so many towardly young spirits? Indeed Gossip, so would the little Doctor, all his behaviour was mere glister! OF my conscience, he would make any parties physic in the world work, with his discourse. Or the Captain had courage enough to Beatrice him. Nay, then let Master Doctor dissect him, have him opened, and his tripes translated to Lickfinger, to make a probation dish of. And her train, to the Gentlemen. Or to stand in a skin of parchment, (which the Court please) Which their Poet hath let fallen, most abruptly? In all our names: Broken— Expectation! As a body would wish: here's nothing but a young Prodigal, come of age, who makes much of the Barber, buys him a place in a new Office, i'the air, I know not where, and his man o'Law to follow him, with the Beggar to boot, and they two help him to a wife. They are all fools, the rather, in that. But was the Devil a proper man, Gossip? There was the Devil of Edmonton, no such man, I warrant you. How, Gossip? Which is he? Or rank Irish butter. Would we had such and other partly, and such a man in this play, I fear it'll be and excellent dull thing. Or a threadbare Doctor of Physic, a poor Quackesaluer.
Plot summary
Plot — The Staple of News
. _ Pug the junior devil is keen to visit earth. Satan svarns him that his ideas of effective devilment are half a century out of date, but grants him leave to spend the day in London, made flesh and subject to all the frailties and limitations of the human body. A ready-made body is available, in the shape of a recently hanged cutpurse, but Pug will have to make his own arrangements for clothes. Another proviso is that he must serve the first man he meets. Unfortunately for Pug, he turns out to be a twit: Fabian Fitzdottrel. Fitzdottrel longs to see the devil, and agrees to accept Pug as an unpaid servant because he gives his mame as Devil. The same obsession makes Fitzdottrel eager to see a new play, The Devil is an Ass, but he needs some finery to show off as he sits on the stage. Wittipol is eager to sleep with Fitzdottrel’s wife, and offers him a suitable cloak in exchange for fifteen minutes’ uninterrupted conversation with the lady. He uses the time to proposition her, and engages her interest even though she has been forbidden to reply. Fitzdottrel is introduced to Merecraft, a purveyor of imaginative financial schemes, who offers to make him rich and a duke through land reclamation in the eastern fens. Fitzdottrel agrees to meet with him, leaving Pug to ensure that nobody attempts to visit his wife. Pug instead brings her a follow-up message from Wittipol, then makes advances to her on his own account, but is caught by Fitzdottrel and gets a beating. Wittipol’s friend Manly has a room which abuts Mistress Fitzdottrel’s gallery, which he uses to have a second meeting with her. This is much more intimate than the first, despite being conducted through the windows of adjacent buildings. Pug gets back into favour by tipping off Fitzdottrel, who puts a stop to the assignation and threatens to take up another woman to share his expectations and be his Duchess. Merecraft suggests that what Fitzdottrel’s wife needs is to be taught proper manners, and recommends a widow who knows the ways of the Spanish court, who might be persuaded to undertake the task if sent an expensive ring as a gift, and who is entirely fictitious. His accomplice Engine proposes hiring an actor to impersonate her, but Merecraft worries that his business methods might be leaked to a playwright and end up on stage; in the event, Engine finds a gentleman to take on the role instead, who happens to be Wittipol. Fitzdottrel cannot get his wife to part with a ring of her own, so…