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Full speech
G Entlemen, have a little patience, they are even upon coming, instantly He that should begin the Play, Master Littlewit, the Proctor, has a stitch new fallen in his black silk stocking; it'll be drawn up ere you can tell twenty. He plays one o'the Arches, that dwells about the Hospital, and he has a very pretty partly. But for the whole Play, will you ha'the truth on't? (I am looking, lest the Poet hear me, or his man, Master Broom, behind the Arras) it is Like to be a very conceited scurvy one, in plain English. When't comes to the Fair, once: you were even as good go to Virginia, for any thing there is of Smithfield. He has not hit the humours, he do's not know them; he has not conversed with the Bartholmew -birds, as they say; he has never a Sword, and Buckler man in his Fair, nor a little Davy, to take toll o'the Bawds there, as in my time, nor a Kind-heart, if any bodies teeth should chance to ache in his Play. Nor a Juggler with a wel-educa ted Ape to come over the chain, for the King of England, and back again for the Prince, and fit still on his arse for the Pope, and the King of Spain! None o'these fine sights! Nor has he the Canuas-cut'ithe night, for a Hobbyhorse man to creep into his she-neighbour, and take his leap, there! Nothing! No, and some writer (that I know) had had but the penning of this matter, he would have made you such a Iig-ajogge i'the booths, you should have thought and earthquake had been i'the Fair ! But these Master- Poets, they will have their own absurd courses; they will be informed of nothing! He has ( sirreuerence ) kicked me three, or four times about the Tiring-house, I thank him, for but offering to put in, with my experience. I'll be judged by you, Gentlemen, now, but for one conceit of mine! would not a fine Pump upon the Stage have done well, for a property now? and a Punque set under upon her head, with her Stern upward, and have been fous'd by my wity young Master's o'the Inns of Court ? what think you o'this for a show, now? he will not hear o'this! I am and Ass! I! and yet I kept the Stage in Master Tarletons time, I thank my stars. Ho! and that man had lived to have played in Bartholmew Fair, you should have seen him have come in, and have been cozened i'the Cloath-quarter, so finely! And Adam's, the Rogue, would leaped and capered upon him, and have dealt his vermin about, as though they had cost him nothing. And then a substantial watch to have stolen in upon them, and taken them away, with mistaking words, as the fashion is, in the Stage -practice. Nothing, but the understanding Gentlemen oh the ground here, asked my judgement.
Plot summary
Plot — Bartholomew Fair
Bartholomew Cokes has two objectives in life: to visit the fair which shares his name, and to marry Grace Wellborn, who, as a ward, faces a financial penalty should she refuse. He sends his servant Wasp to Littlewit the proctor to obtain a marriage licence, but then, impatiently, comes himself. He brings Grace with him, and she attracts the interest of Winwife, present with his friend Quarlous as a suitor to Littlewit’s mother-in-law, Dame Purecraft. Littlewit is more interested in Cokes’s talk of the fair, having secretly written one of the puppet plays to be performed there. The only snag is that the puritanical Dame Purecraft will disapprove of their visit, thinking fairs profane. Busy, an elder of Purecraft’s church, advises the family that fairs may lawfully be visited for good reason, and comes along with them to partake of the pork. After some unfortunate experiences involving mistaken identity, Justice Overdo no longer trusts informers and has decided to do his spying personally. He visits the fair in disguise to seek out ‘enormities’ perpetrated by the fairground folk. He is impressed by one young man, Edgeworth, and decides to rescue him from the clutches of the cheaters; but he does not know that Edgeworth is a cutpurse. While Overdo is busy telling him about the wickedness of tobacco, Edgeworth steals Cokes’s purse; Overdo gets the blame. When it happens a second time, Overdo is arrested and put in the stocks. There he encounters the madman Trouble-All, who persistently demands Overdo’s warrant for any action; it transpires that he was a court official driven out of his mind by Overdo’s own actions. The watchmen, concerned to get better authority, release Overdo from the stocks for the time being. Meanwhile, the Littlewits arrive at the fair, but Busy becomes over-excited in his condemnation, attacks the fairground booths, and is arrested; Dame Purecraft goes after him, leaving Littlewit and Win free to enjoy themselves. Edgeworth tricks Wasp into making affidavit so that, at Quarlous’s instigation, he can steal Cokes’s marriage licence. Wasp too is arrested and put in the stocks, but escapes by a ruse when Overdo and Busy are put in beside him. The women visitors to the fair are separated from the men. Littlewit leaves Win in the care of two fairground bawds while he goes off to check the arrangements for his puppet show. Cokes abandons Grace and Mistress Overdo to try and get back his stolen property. Desperate for the toilet, Mistress…