OVERDO

I! have I met with enormity, so soon? I am glad, to hear, my name is their terror, yet, this is doing of Justice. This Pig-woman do I know, and I will put her in, for my second enormity, she hath been before me, Punk, Pinnace and Bawd, any time these two and twenty years, upon record i'the Pie-poudres. This is the very womb, and bed of enormity! gross, as her self! this must all down for enormity, all, every whit on't. Oh Tempora! Oh Moors! I would not have lost my discovery of this one grievance, for my place, and worship o'the Bench, how is the poor subject abused, here! well, I will fallen in with her, and with her Mooncalf, and win out wonders of enormity. By thy leave, goodly woman, and the fatness of the Fair : oily as the Kings constables Lamp, and shining as his Shooing-horne! hath thy Ale virtue, or thy Beer strength? that the tongue of man may be tickled? and his palate pleased in the morning? let thy pretty Nephew here, go search and see. Let me drink, boy, with my love, thy Aunt, here; that I may be eloquent: but of thy best, lest it be bitter in my mouth, and my words fallen foul on the Fair. Thy best, pretty stripling, thy best; the same thy Dove drinketh, and thou drawest on holy days. Bring both, child. Ale for Arthur, and Beer for Bradley. Ale for thine Aunt, boy. My disguise takes to the very wish, and reach of it. I shall by the benefit of this, discover enough, and more: and yet get off with the reputation of what I would be. A certain middling thing, between a fool and a madman. WHat! my little lean Vrsla ! my shee-Beare! art thou alive yet? with thy litter of pigs, to grunt out another Bartholmew Fair ? would! Another special enormity. A cutpurse of the sword! the boot, and the feather! those are his marks. Dost thou hear, boy? (there's for thy Ale, and the remembering nant for thee) speak in thy faith of a faucet, now; is this goodly person before us here, this vapours, a knight of the knife? I mean a child of the horne-thumb, a babe of booty, boy; a cutpurse. Thy dainty dame, though, called him cutpurse. Here might I ha'beene deceived, now: and ha'put a fools blot upon my self, if I had not played and after game of discre cion. Child o'the bottles, what's he? what he? What pity it's, so civil a young man should haunt this debauched company? here's the bane of the youth of our time ap parant. A proper penman, I see't in his countenance, he has a good Clerks look with him, and I warrant him a quick hand. No, boy, let my meditations alone. If I can, with this days travel, and all my policy, but re scue this youth, here, out of the hands of the lewd man, and the strange woman. I will fit down at night, and say with my friend Ovid, Jam que opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis, &c. Would, sweet nature! what Goshawk would prey upon such a Lamb? There's for me, Punque! and Pig! Goodly woman! Thirst not after that frothy liquour, Ale: for, who knows, when he openeth the stopple, what may be in the bottle? hath not a Snail, a Spider, yea, a Neuft been found there? thirst not of ter it, youth: thirst not after it. Neither do thou lust after that tawny weed, tobacco. Whose complexion is Like the Indians that vents it! And who can tell, if, before the gathering, and making up thereof, the Alligarta hath not pissed thereon? The creeping venom of which subtle serpent, as some late writers affirm; neither the cutting of the perilous plant, nor the drying of it, nor the lighting, or burning, can any way perssway or, assuage. Hence it is, that the lungs of the Tabacconist are rotted, the Liver spotted, the brain smoked Like the backside of the Pig-womans Booth, here, and the whole body within, black, as her Pan, you saw even now, without. Nay, the hold in the nose here, of some tabacco-takers, or the third nostril, (if I may so call it) which makes, that they can vent the tobacco out, Like the Ace of clubs, or rather the Flower-de-lice, is caused from the tobacco, the mere tobacco! when the poor innocent pox, having nothing to do there, is miserably, and most unconscionably slandered. But what speak I of the diseases of the body, children of the Fair ? Hark, Oh, you sons and daughters of Smithfield! and hear what malady it does the mind: It causeth swearing, it causeth swaggering, it causeth snuffling, and snarling, and now and then a hurt. Look into any Angle o'the town, (the Straights, or the Bermuda's ) where the quarreling lesson is read, and how do they entertain the time, but with bottle-ale, and tobacco? The Lecturer is o'one side, and his Pupils o'the other; But the seconds are still bottle ale, and tobacco, for which the Lecturer reads, and rhe Novices pay. Thirty pound a week in bo le-ale! forty in ta bacco! and ten more in Ale again. Then for a suit to drink in, so much, and (that being slavered) so much for another suit, and then a third suit, and a fourth suit! and still the bottle-ale slave reth, and the tobacco stinketh! I will conclude briefly— Murder, murder, murder. Hold thy hand, child of wrath, and heir of anger, They speak all together: and Wasp beats the Justice. make it not Childermasse day in thy fury, or the feast of the French Bartholmew, Parent of the of the Massacre. N Ay, tish all gone, now! dish tish, phen tou vilt not be phitin call, Master Offi sher, phat is a man to better to lishen out noyshes for tee, & tou art in and oder world, being very shuffishient noyshes and gallantsh too, one o'their brabblesh would have fed ush all dish fortnight, but tou art so bushy about beggersh still, tou hast no leshure to intend gentlemen, an't be. It does discover enormity, I'll mark it more: I ha'not liked a paltry piece of poetry, so well a good while. Indeed he do's interrupt him, too much: There Numps spoke to purpose. I shall be beaten again, if I be spied. What do you mean? sweet buds of gentility. Mine own words turned upon me, Like swords. What should he be, that does so esteem, and advance my warrant? he seems a sober and discreet person! it is a come fort to a good conscience, to be followed with a good fame, in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity: and it will beget a kind of reverence, towards me, hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it does neither break me, nor bend me. That I will, cheerfully. In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the Author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, fit in the stocks, in that calm, as shall be able to trouble a Triumph. Would! If this be true, this is my greatest disaster! how am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits! where there is no room left for dissembling. comes in. Do I hear ill o'that side, too? I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a Justice, though it be a weakness, I confess; and nearer a vice, then a virtue. I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a thing with out me. Adam, thou art above these batteries, these contumelies. In to manca ruit fortuna, as thy friend Horace says; thou art one, Quem neque pauperies, neque mors, neque vincula terrent,. And there before as another friend of thine says, (I think it be thy friend Per sius) Non to quaesi cris extra. Would! Alas poor wretch! how it earns my heart for him! I shall not breath in peace, till I have made him some a mends. Sir, let me speak with you. The warrant that you tender, and respect so; Justice Over does! I am the man, friend Trouble-all, though thus disguised (as the careful Magistrate ought) for the good of the Republic, in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you want a house or meat, or drink, or clothes? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you, what want you? My warrant? for what? Nay, I pray thee stay, I am serious, and have not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee; think what may do thee good. If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it willingly. Alas! thou shalt have it presently: I'll but step into the Scriveners, The Justice goes out. hereby, and bring it. Do not go away. and returns. Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Ouerdoo, if there be any thing to be written, above in the paper, that thou wantest now, or at any time hereafter; think on't; it is my deed, I deliver it so, can your friend write? With all my heart. Look you, there it is; and I deliver it as my deed a gain. He takes her in with him. Well, my conscience is much eased; I have done my partly, though it does him no good, yet Adam hath offered satisfaction! The sting is removed from hence: poor man, he is much altered with his affliction, it has brought him low! Now, for my other work, reducing the young man (I have followed so long in love) from the brink of his bane, to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such Like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time. HOw now? what's here to do? friend, art thou the Master of the Monuments ? My fantastical brother in Law, Master Bartholmew Cokes ! I, the favouring of this licentious quality, is the consump cion of many a young Gentleman; a pernicious enormity. My ward, Mistress Grace in the company of a stranger? I doubt I shall be compelled to discover my self, before my time! Here is my care come! I Like to see him in so good come pany; By Edge worth. and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion, should re sort hither! Y , I will observe more of this: is this a Lady, friend? I? This will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this. Stay, now do I forbid, I Adam Ouerdoo ! fit still, I charge you. The Justice discovers himself. It is time, to take Enormity by the before head, and brand it for, I have discovered enough. Peace good Trouble-all ; come hither, and you shall trou ble n ne. To the Cut purse, and Mistress Litwit. I will take the charge of you, and your friend too, you also, young man shall be my care, stand there. Stay, is not my name your terror? If this graven Matron be your mother, Sir, stand by her, Et digito compesc labellum, I may perhaps spring a wife for you, anon. Brother Bartholmew, I am sadly sorry, to see you so lightly given, and such a Disciple of enormity: with your graven Gouer nou_r_ Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger. Are you so? of what name, Sir? Master Winwife ? I hope you have wone no wife of her, Sir. If you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, Oh London! and see me, Oh Smithfield ; The example of Justice, and Mirror of Magistrates: the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Harken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries ; and compare Hercules with me, if thou darest, of old; or Columbus; Magellan ; or our country man Drake of later times: stand forth you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunaticall hypocrite, next, To Busy, To Lantern, To the horse courser, and Cutpurse. Then Cap. Whit, and Mistress Littlewit. thou other extremity, thou profane professor of Puppetry, little better then Poetry: then thou strong Debaucher, and Seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man: now thou E squire of Dams, Madams, and twelve-penny Ladies : now my green Madame her self, of the price. Let me unmasque your Ladyship. Is she your wife? Red to Harpocratem ! What's the matter? Vrsla ? where is she? Oh the Sow of enormity, this! To Vrsla, and Nigh tingale. well come, stand you there, you Songster, there. Stand you there. How? Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited Gentleman hath wrought upon my judgement, and prevailed: I pray you take care of your sick friend, Mistress Alice, and my good friends all— I invite you home, with me to my house, to supper: I will have none fear to go along, for my intents are And correctionem, non and destructionem; And aedificandum, non and diruendum: so led on. W Ell, in Justice name, and the Kings; and for the commonwealth! defy all the world, Adam Ouerdoo, for a disguise, and all story ; for thou hast fitted thy self, I swear; feign would I meet the Linccus now, that Eagles eye, that piercing Epi daurian serpent (as my Quint. Horace cal's him) that could discover a Justice of Peace, (and lately of the Quorum ) under this covering. They may have seen ma nigh a fool in the habit of a Justice; but never till now, a Justice in the habit of a fool. Thus must we do, though, that wake for the public good: and thus hath the wise Magistrate done in all ages. There is a doing of right out of wrong, if the way be found. Never shall I enough commend a worthy worshipful man, some time a capital member of this City, for his high wisdom, in this point, who would take you, now the habit of a Porter; now of a Carman; now of the Dog-killer, in this month of August ; and in the winter, of a Seller of tinder-boxes; and what would he do in all these shapes? marry go you into every Alehouse, and down in to every Cellar; measure the length of puddings, take the gage of black pots, and cans, I, and custards with a stick; and their circumference, with a third; weigh the loaves of bred on his middle-finger; then would he send for them, home; give the pud dings to the poor, the bred to the hungry, the custards to his children; break the pots, and burn the cans, himself; he Would not trust his corrupt officers; he would do't himself. would all men in authority would follow this worthy president! For (alas) as we are public persons, what do we know? nay, what can we know? we hear with other men's ears; we see with other men's eyes? a foolish Constable, or a sleepy Watch man, is all our information, he slanders a Gentleman, by the virtue of his place, (as he calls it) and we by the vice of ours, must be leave him. As a while ago, they made me, yea me, to miss take and honest zealous Pursuivant, for a Seminary : and a proper young Bachelor of Music, for a Bawd. This we are subject to, that live in high place, all our intelligence is idle, and most of our intelligencers, knaves: and by your leave, our selves, thought little better, if not errant fools, for believing them. I Adam Ouerdoo, am resolved therefore, to spare spy-money hereafter, and make mine own discoveries. Many are the yearly enormities of of this Fair, in whose courts of Pye-pouldres I have had the ho nou_r_ during the three days sometime to fit as Judge. But this is the special day for detection of those foresaid enormities. Here is my black book, for the purpose; this the cloud that hides me: under this covert I shall see, and not be seen. On Junius Brutus. And as I began, so I'll end: in Justice name, and the Kings; and for the Commonwealth. The Fayre's pestilence dead, me thinks; people come not a broad, to day, what ever the matter is. Do you hear, Sister Trash, Lady o'the Basket? fit farther with your ginger-bread-pro geny there, and hinder not the prospect of my shop, or I'll have it proclaimed i'the Fair, what stuff they are made on. Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!