PHANTASTE

Come now, PHILAUTIA, I am for you, shall we go? Yes faith, th'other was so near the common: it had no extraor dinary grace; beside, I had worn it almost a day, in good troth. It's so: By this fan, I cannot abide any thing that savours the poor overworn cut, that has any kindred with it; I must have variety, I: this mixing in fashion I hate it worse, then to burn juniper in my cham ber, I protest. Oh, I, they do most pitifully imitate, but I have a tire a come ming (i'faith) shall— Nay, that's counsel, PHILAUTIA, you shall pardon me: yet (I'll assure you) he's the most dainty, sweet, absolute rare man of the whole college. Oh! his very looks, his discourse, his behaviour, all he does is physic, I protest. No, no, no, no, no, no, (believe me) not for a million of hea uens: I will not make him cheap. Fie— Pray JOVE, I never rise from this couch, if ever I thirsted more for a thing, in my whole time of being a courtier. Pray thee fit down, PHILAUTIA, that rebat becomes thee singularly. Yes faith. Me thinks, thy servant HEDON is nothing so obse quious to thee, as he was wont to be; I know not how, he's grown out of his garb a late, he's warped. No, no, you are the whole heaven awry, Guardian: it's the swag gering coach-horse ANAIDES, draws with him there, has been the di uerter of him. Come, fit down; troth (and you be good Beauty's ) let's run over them all now: Which is the properest man amongst them? I say, the traveler, AMORPHUS. A body would think so, at these years. Who might that be, Guardian? ANAIDES! you talked of a tune PHILAUTIA, there's one speaks in a key: Like the opening of some Justices gate, or a post-bois horn, as if his voice feared and arrest for some ill words it should give, and were loath to come forth. Like a sea-monster, that were to ravish ANDROMEDA from the rock. Nay, he has a worse fault then that, too. That were a fault in a lady, rather then him: No, they say, he puts off the calves of his legs, with his stockings, every night. Who was that, ARGVRION? Who, CRITES? That was a true trick of your self, MORIA, to persuade AR GVRION, to affect the scholar. Not, HEDON? Oh, you should have let her alone, she was bestowing a copy of him upon us. Such a nose were enough to make me love a man, now. Oh, but his short hair, and his narrow eyes! Believe me, the young gentleman deserves it. If she could dote more, 'twere not amiss. He is and exceeding proper youth, and would have made a most neat barber-surgeon, if he had been put to it in time. I, that had said on one of his customers suits. His face is Like a squeezed orange, or— Shamefaced, MORIA! out upon him. Your shamefaced servant is your only gull. And all the gallants came about you Like slies, did they not? Nay, good MORIA, be not angry. Put case, that we four now had the grant from JUNO, to wish our selves into what happy estate we could? what would you wish to be, MORIA? Fie, you'd tell all, Faith, I cannot (readily) tell you what But (me thinks) I should wish my self all manner of creatures. Now, I would be and em press; and by and by a duchess; then a great lady of state; then one of your miscellany madams; then a waiting-woman; then your citizens wife; then a course country gentlewoman; then a deyrie maid; then a shepherd's lass; then and empress again, or the queen of fairies : And thus I would prove the vicissitudes, and whirl of pleasures, about, and again. As I were a shepherdess, I would be piped and sung too; as a deyrie wench, I would dance at may -poles, and make sillabubbes; As a country gentlewoman, keep a good house, and come up to term, to see motions; As a citizens wife, be troubled with a jealous husband, and put to my shifts; (others Misery's should be my pleasures) As a waiting-woman, I would taste my ladies delights to her; As a miscellany madame invent new tires, and go visit courtiers; As a great lady, lie a bed, and have courtiers visit me; As a duchess, I would keep my state: and as and empress, I'd do any thing. And, in all these shapes, I would ever be followed with the affections of all that see me. Marry, I my self would of fect none; or if I did, it should not be heartily, but so as I might save my self in them still, and take pride in tormenting the poor wretches. Or, (now I think on't) I would, for one year, wish my self one woman, but the richest, fairest, and delicatest in a kingdom, the very centre of wealth, and beauty, wherein all lines of love should meet; and in that person I would prove all manner of suitors, of all humours, and of all complexi ons, and never have any two of a sort: I would see how Love (by the po were of his object) could work inwardly alike, in a choleric man, and a sanguine; in a melancholic, and a phlegmatic; in a fool, and a wise man; in a clown, and a courtier; in a valiant man, and a coward: and how he could vary outward, by letting this gallant express himself in dumb gaze; another with sighing, and rubbing his fingers; a third, with play-ends, and pitiful verses; a fourth, with stabbing himself, and drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his blood; a fifth, in coloured ribbons, and good clothes; with this lord to smile, and that lord to court, and the tother lord to do e, and one lord to hang himself. And then, I to have a book made of all this, which I would call the book of humours, and every night read a little piece, ere I slept, and laugh at it. Here comes HEDON. Save you, sweet and clear beauty's: By the spirit that moves in me, you are all most pleasingly bestowed, ladies. Only, I can take it for no good omen , to find mine Honour so dejected. Who answers the brazen head? it spoke to some body. And I, of the females. Fit down, sweet AMORPHUS: When will this water come, think you? No faith, your prophecies are best, the tother are stale. Substantives , and Adjectives. Is't not HEDON? I have thought; speak your Adjectives , sirs. Not I, who says? What? have you all done? Then the Substantive is Breeches. Why odoriferous Breeches, Guardian ? Well, we must take it howsoever, who's next? PHILAUTIA. Why popular Breeches? Good: why humble Breeches? ARGVRION. But why white-livered? Oh, yes, we must not deny it. And why barbarous, HE DONE? I, AMORPHUS. Why Pythagorical Breeches? How is't, exquisite AMORPHUS? I, why well-spoken Breeches? Breeches, quasi bear-riches; when a gallant bears all his ri ches in his breeches: Nay, we have another sport afore this, of A thing done, and Who did it, &c. Why, I imagine, A thing done ; HEDON thinks, Who did it ; MORIA, With what it was done ; ANAIDES, Where it was done ; ARGVRION, When it was done ; AMORPHUS, For what cause it was done ; you PHILAUTIA, What followed upon the doing of it ; and this gentleman, Who would have done it better. What? is't conceived about? The speak you, sir. Who would have done it better? Yes, sir: This play is called the Crab, it goes backward. If you please, sir, and dare abide the venture of it. No doubt on't, sir: a good confidence. What followed upon the act, PHILAUTIA? For what cause, AMORPHUS? When, ARGVURION? Where, ANAIDES? With what, MORIA? Who, HEDON? Then, The thing done was, And oration was made. Rehearse. And oration was made. And, this silent gentleman would have done it better. Pray you let me have a copy of it, AMORPHUS. You are ambitious in that, HEDON. What's the matter HEDON? can you tell? Call him hither, it's good groping such a gull. We know not how to deserve these bounties, out of so slight merit, ASOTUS. And soon, after the revels, I will bestow a garter on you. Sir, we will acknowledge your service, doubt not: henceforth, you shall be no more ASOTUS to us, but our goldfinch , and we your cages. Have her forth, and give her air. Now I commend your judgement, AMORPHUS, who's that knocks? Look, page. Oh, no, give her no cold drink, by any means. But, will not your ladyship stay? What a set face the gentlewoman has, as she were still going to a sacrifice? I, and as ingenious, and conceited as she. Or I. 'Tis true AMORPHUS, what may we do to redeem it? Your prizer is not ready AMORPHUS. Nay, but why should not we ladies play our prizes , I pray? I see no reason, but we should take them down, at their own weapons. Pray you, what should we call your name? Peace, peace: They come. The solemnity of this is excellent. Excellent well! Admirable! Now the other. He keeps all his wit for Actium. Excellent comely! Sprightly, and short. Good, believe it! I'll lay a discretion , with you, ANAIDES. Me thinks, he did not this respectively enough. How Like you this play, ANAIDES? Most unexpectedly excellent! The French goes down cer taine. Peace, now they come on; the second partly. It was most subtle, AMORPHUS. Most couetingly ready, AMORPHUS. Oh, excellent CYNTHIA! yet if PHANTASTE sat where she does, and had such a tire on her head (for attire can do much) I say no more—but goddesses are goddesses, and PHANTASTE is as she is! I would the revels were done once, I might go to my school of glass e, a gain, and learn to do my self right after all this ruffling. From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such phan tastique humours. From waving of fans, coy glances, glickes, cringes, and all such simpering humours. From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, dildo's, and parachito's. From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing old riveled faces. From entertaining one gallant to gull and other, and making fools of either.