CRITICUS

Because— Nec placere dium, nec vivere carmina possunt, quae scri buntur aquae potoribus. Oh, the MUSES well! that's ever excepted. That's to be argued (AMORPHUS) if we may credit LUNCIAN, who in his Eucomio Demosthenis affirms, he never drunk but water in a nigh of his compositions. Indeed (I think) next a traveler, he do's prettily well. 'Tis ASOTUS, son to the late deceased PHILARGYRUS the citizen. He was to have been Praetor next year. Sir, I fear I may do wrong to your sufficiencies in the repor ting them, by forgetting or misplacing some one; your self can best en form him of your self, sir: except you had some catalogue, or list of your faculties ready drawn, which you would request me to show him, for you, and him to take notice of. Do so, sir. Oh heaven! that any thing (in the likeness of man) should suffer these racked extremities, for the uttering of his sophisticate good parts. Friends! Why? is there any difference between you? Oh, now I apprehend you; your phrase was without me, before Slight, they are mutually inamor'd by this time! Yes, yes. Why, is't a thing of such present necessity, that it requires so violent a dispatch? Well, your longing shall be satisfied, sir. Leave it to me, I'll forget none of your deer graces, I war rant you. What ridiculous circumstance might I devise now, to bestow this reciprocal brace of butterflies one upon another? His eye waters after it, it seems. I am anticipated: they'll make a solemn deed of gift of them selves, you shall see. Oh, here's rare motley, sir. Where I have seen (most honoured ARETE,) The strangest pageant, fashioned Like a court, (At least I dreamt I saw it) so diffused, So painted, pied, and full of rainbow strains, As never yet (either by time, or place) Was made the food to my distasted sense: Nor can my weak imperfect memory Now render half the forms unto my tongue, That were convolved within this thrifty room. Here, stalks me by a proud, and spangled sir, That looks three handfuls higher then his foretop; Savours himself alone, is only kind And loving to himself: one that will speak More dark, and doubtful then six oracles ; Salutes a friend, as if he had a stitch, Is his own chronicle , and scarce can eat For registering himself: is waited on By mimiques, jesters, panders, parasites, And other such Like prodigies of men. He passed, appears some mincing marmoset Made all of clothes, and face; his limbs so set As if they had some voluntary act Without men motion, and must move joust so In spite of their creation: one that weighs His breath between his teeth, and dares not smile Beyond a point, for fear unstarch his look; Hath traveled to make legs, and seen the cringe Of several courts, and courtiers; knows the time Of giving titles, and of taking walls; Hath read court-common-places; made them his: Studied the grammar of state, and all the rules Each formal usher in that politic school, Can teach a man. A third comes giving nods To his repenting creditors, protests To weeping suitors, takes the coming gold Of insolent, and base ambition, That hourly rubs his dry, and itchy palms: Which grip't, Like burning coals, he hurls away Into the laps of bawds, and buffons mouths. With him there meets some subtle PROTEUS, one Can change, and vary with all forms he sees; Be any thing but honest; serves the time; Hovers betwixt two factions, and explores The drifts of both; which (with cross face) he bears To the divided heads, and is received With mutual grace of either: one that dares Do deeds worthy the hurdle, or the wheel, To be thought some body; and is (in sooth) Such as the Satirist points truly forth, That only to his crimes owes all his worth. This is nothing. There stands a Neophyte glazing of his face, Pruning his clothes, perfuming of his hair, Against his idol enters; and repeats (Like and unperfect prologue , at third music) His partly of speeches, and confederate jests, In passion to himself. Another swears His Scene of courtship over; bids, believe him, Twenty times, re they will; anon, does seem As he would kiss away his hand in kindness; Then walks of melancholic, and stands wreathed, As he were pinned up to the arras, thus. A third is most in Actium, swims, and frisk's, Plays with his mistress paps, salutes her pumps, Adores her hems, her skirts, her knots, her curls, Will spend his patrimony for a garter, Or the least feather in her bounteous fan. A fourth, he only comes in for a mute: Divides the act with a dumb show, and exit. Then must the ladies laugh, straight comes their Scene , A sixth times worse confusion then the rest. Where you shall hear one talk of this men eye ; Another, of his lip; a third, his nose; A fourth commend his leg; a fifth his foot; A sixth his hand; and every one a limb: That you would think the poor distorted gallant Must there expire. Then fallen they in discourse Of tires, and fashions, how they must take place, Where they may kiss, and whom, when to fit down, And with what grace to rise; if they salute, What curtsy they must use: such cobweb stuff, As would enforce the commonest sense abhor the Arachnean workers. I kiss thy hands, divinest ARETE, And vow my self to thee, and CYNTHIA. A Little more forward: So, sir. Now go in, discloak your self, and come forth. Taylor, bestow thy absence upon us; and be not prodigal of this secret, but to a deer customer. It's well intend, sir. Stay, you come on too fast; your pace is too impetuous. I magine this to be the palace of your pleasure , or place, where your lady is pleased to be seen. First, you present your self, thus: and spying her, you fallen off, and walk some two turns; in which time, it is to be sup posed, your passion hath sufficiently whited your face: then (stifling a sighs or two, and closing your lips) with a trembling boldness, and bold terror, you advance your self forward. Prove thus much, I pray you. The grace divinest MERCURY hath done me, In this vouchsafde discovery of himself, Binds my observance in the utmost term Of satisfaction, to his godly will: Though I profess (without the affectation) Of and enforced, and formed austerity) I could be willing to enjoy no place With so unequal nature's. I, but though MERCURY can warrant out His undertakings, and make all things good, Out of the powers of his divinity , Offence will be returned with weight on me, That am a creature so despised, and poor; When the whole Court shall take it self abused By our ironical confederacy. Well, since my leader on is MERCURY, I shall not fear to follow. If I fallen, My proper virtue shall be my relief, That followed such a cause, and such a chief. NO more, if you love me, good master, you are incompatible to live withal: Send me for the ladies. Sir, this is the wight of worth, that dares you to the encounter. A gentleman of so pleasing, and ridiculous a carriage; as, even standing, carries meat in the mouth, you see; and I assure you, although no bred courtling , yet a most particular man, of goodly havings, well fashioned haviour, and of as hardened, and excellent a bark, as the most naturally-qualified amongst them, informed, reformed, and transformed, from his oh riginall citticisme, by this elixi'r , or mere magazine of man. And, for your spectators, you behold them, what they are: The most choice particulars in court: This tells tales well; This provides coaches; This repeats jests; This presents gifts This holds up the arras; This takes down from horse; This protests by this light; This swears by that candle; This delights; This adores. Yet, all but three men. Then for your ladies, the most proud witty creatures, all things apprehending, nothing under standing, perpetually laughing, curious maintainers of fools, mercers, and minstrels, costly to be kept, miserably keeping, all disdaining, but their painter, and apothecary, betwixt whom and them there is this reciprock commerce, their beauty's maintain their painters, and their painters their beauty's. Illustrous, and fearful judges— It is the suit of the strange opponent (to whom you ought not to turn your tails, and whose noses I must follow) that he may have the justice, before he encounter his respected adversary, to see some light stroke of his play, commenced with some other. Oh dreadful disgrace, if a man were so foolish to feel it! Signior , in courtship, you are to bid your abettors forbear, and satisfy the Monsieurs request. He is in some distaste of your fellow disciple. Meaning your pupil , sir. Sir, he shall yield you all the honour of a competent adversary, if you please to undertake him— And stink, he bids you. How tender a travellers spleen is? comparison, to men, that deserve least, is ever most offensive. And worthily studied. This is the exalted Foretop. This is called the solemn bandstring. Making villainous faces. I, this is y'cleped the serious trifle. Rather the bird-eyed stroke , sir. Your observance is too blunt, sir. Or rather mere lunacy. For, would any reasonable creature make these his serious studies, and perfections? Much less, only live to these ends? to be the false pleasure of a few, the true love of none, and the joust laughter of all? A discretion ? A pretty court-wager! would any discreet per son hazard his wit, so? No, he should venture all then. It's called your court-staggers , sir. Gods me! This is desperate play. He hits himself o'the shins. Indeed he displays his feet, rarely. And most terribly he comes off: Like your Rodomantada. The veneti Dop this. Truss up your simile, Jackdaw , and observe. The french Quirk , this sir. And yet your lady, or your feather would outweigh both. I, but you should do more charitably, to do it more openly; that they might discover themselves mocked in these monstrous affections. And most worthy a true voluptary. JOVE! what a coil these mukse-wormes take, to purchase another's delight? for, themselves, who bear the odours, have ever the least sense of them. Yet, I do Like better the prodigality of jewels, and clothes, whereof one passes to a men heirs; the other, at least wears out time: This presently expires, and without continual riot in reparation is lost: which who so strives to keep, it is one special argument to me, that (affecting to smell better then other men) he does indeed smell far worse. You offer foul, Signior , to close. Keep your distance; for all your Bravo rampant , here. You suffer them too long And never a wise word; I take it. The dor , the dor , the dor , the dor , the dor! the palpable dor. The Wring by the hand , and the Banquet is ours. Why, his proper merit, sir: you see he has played down your grand garb-master, here. Indeed, I must declare my self to you no professed courtling; nor to have any excellent stroke, at your subtle weapons: yet if you please, I dare venture a hit with you, or your fellow, sir DAGONET, here. Yes, sir. At any, I, sir. Marry, that will I. I dare give you that advantage, too. You shall see me undo the assured swaggerer with a trick, in stantly: I will play all his own play before him; court the wench, in his garb, in his phrase, with his face; leave him not so much as a look, and eye, a stalk, or and imperfect oath, to express himself by, after me. To your cost, sir; which is the Piece , stands forth to be cour ted? Oh, are you she? Well, Madame, or sweet lady, it is so, I do love you in some sort, do you conceive? and though I am no Monsieur , nor no Signior , and do want (as they say) logic and sophistry , and good words, to tell you why it is so; yet by this hand, and by that candle, it is so; And though I be no bookworm, nor one that deals by art, to give you rhetoric , and causes, why it should be so, or make it good it is so, yet dam me, but I know it is so, and am assured it is so, and I and my sword shall make it appear it is so; and give you reason sufficient, how it can be no otherwise, but so— Nay stay, my deer Ambition , I can do you over too. You that tell your Mistress, Her beauty is all composed of theft; Her hair stole from APOLLO's goldy-locks; Her white and read, lilies, and roses stolen out of paradise; Her eyes, two stars, plucked from the sky; Her nose, the gnomon of Loves dial, that tells you how the clock of your heart goes: And for her other parts, as you cannot reckon them, they are so many; so you cannot recount them, they are so manifest. Yours, if his own, un fortunate HOYDEN, in stead of HEDON. Now, sacred God of wit, if you can make Those, whom our sports tax in these apish graces, Kiss (Like the fighting snakes) your peaceful rod; These times shall canonise you for a God. Though they may see it, yet the huge estate Fancy, and form, and sensual pride have got, Will make them blush for anger, not for shame; And turn shown nakedness, to impudence. Humour is now the test, we try things in; All power is joust: Nought that delights is sin. And, yet the zeal of every knowing man, (Oppressed with hills of tyranny, cast on virtue By the light fantasies of fools, thus transported) Cannot but vent the Aetna of his fires, T'enflame best bosoms, with much worthier love Then of these outward, and effeminate shades: That, these vain joys, in which their wills consume Such powers of wit, and soul, as are of force To raise their beings to eternity, May be converted on works, fitting men. And, for the practice of a forced look, And antique gesture, or a fustian phrase, Study the native frame of a true heart, And inward comeliness of bounty, knowledge, And spirit, that may conform them, actually, To Gods high figures, which they have in power: Which to neglect for a self-loving neatness, Is sacrilege, of and unpardoned greatness. How, bright ARETE! Why, 'twere a labour more for HERCULES. Better, and sooner durst I undertake To make the different seasons of the year, The winds, or elements to sympathise, Then their unmeasurable vanity Dance truly in a measure. They agree? What though all concord's born of contraries? So many follies will confusion prove, And Like a sort of jarring instruments, All out of time: because (indeed) we see There is not that analogy, betwixt discords, As between things but merely opposite. But, lady, for the revellers themselves, It would be better (in my poor conceit) That others were employed: for such as are Unfit to be in CYNTHIA'S court, can seem No less unfit to be in CYNTHIA'S sports. I now conceive her heavenly drift in all, And will apply my spirits, to serve her will. Oh thou, the very power, by which I am, And but for which, it were in vain to be, Chief next Diana, virgin, heavenly fair, Admired ARETE (of them admired, Whose souls are not enkindled by the sense) Disdain not my chaste fire, but feed the flame Devoted truly to thy gracious name. I follow instantly. PHŒBUS APOLLO: if with ancient rites, And endue devotions, I have ever hung Elaborate p ans , on thy golden shrine, Or sung thy triumphs in a lofty strain, Fit for a theater of gods to hear; And thou, the other son of mighty JOVE, Cyllenian MERCURY (sweet MAIA'S joy) If in the busy tumults of the mind, My path thou ever hast illumined, For which, thine altars I have oft perfumed, And decked thy statues with discoloured flowers: Now thrine invention in this glorious court, That not of bounty only, but of right, CYNTHIA may grace, and give it life by sighed. Queen , and Huntress , chaste, and fair, Now the Sun is laid to sleep, Seated, in thy silver chair, State in wonted manner keep: HESPERUS intreats thy light, Goddess, excellently bright. Earth, let not thy envious shade Dare it self to interpose; CYNTHIA'S shining orb was made Heaven to clear, when day did close: Bless us then with wished sighed, Goddess, excellently bright. Lay thy bow of pearl apart, And thy crystal-shining quiver; Give unto the flying heart Space to breathe, how short soever: Thou that makest a day of night, Goddess, excellently bright. Heavens purest light, whose orb may be eclipsed, But not thy praise (divinest CYNTHIA) How much too narrow for so high a grace, Thine (save therein) the most unworthy CRITES Does find himself! for ever shine thy fame; Thine honours ever, as thy beauty's do; In me they must, my dark world's chiefest lights, By whose propitious beams my powers are raised To hope some partly of those most lofty points, Which blessed ARETE hath pleased to name, As marks, to which m'indeuours steps should bend: Mine, as begun at thee, in thee must end. SIster of PHŒBUS, to whose bright orb we owe, that we not come plain of his absence; These four brothers (for they are brothers, and sons of EUTAXIA, a lady known, and highly beloved of your resplendent deity ) not able to be absent, when CYNTHIA held a solemn nitie, officiously insinuate themselves into thy presence: For, as there are four cardinal virtues, upon which the whole frame of the court does move, so are these the four cardinal properties, without which, the body of compliment moves not. With these four silver javelins (which they bear in their hands) they support in Princes courts the state of the pre sense, as by office they are obliged; which, though here they may seem superfluous, yet, for honours sake, they thus presume to visit thee, having also been employed in the palace of Queen Perfection. And though to them, that would make themselves gracious to a Goddess, sacrifices were fitter then presents, or Impreses , yet they both hope thy favour; and (in place of either) use several Symbols , containing the titles of thy imp riall dignity. First, the hethermost, in the changeable blue, and green robe, is the commendably-fashioned gallant, EVCOSMOS; whose courtly habit is the grace of the presence, and delight of the surveying eye: whom ladies understand by the names of neat , and elegant. His symbol is, DIVAE VIRGINI, in which he would express thy deities principal glory, which hath ever been virginity. The second, in the rich acoutrement, and robe of purple, impaled with gold, is EVPATHES; who entertains his mind with and harmless, but not incurious variety: All the objects of his senses are sumptuous, him self a gallant, that, without excess, can make use of superfluity: go richly in embroideries, jewels (and what not?) without vanity, and fare delicately without gluttony: and therefore not (not without cause) is universally thought to be of five humour. His Symbol is, DIVAE OPEN TIMAE. And attribute to express thy goodness , in which thou so resem blessed JOVE thy father. The third, in the blush-coloured suit, is, EVTOLMOS, as duly respe cting others, as never neglecting himself; commonly known by the title of good as dacity: to courts, and courtly assemblies, a guest most acceptable. His Symbol is, DIVAE VIRAGINI. To express thy hardy courage , in chase of savage beasts, which harbour in woods, and wilderness. The fourth, in watchet tinsel, is the kind, and truly benefique EVCO LOS. Who imparts not without respect, but yet without difficulty; and hath the happiness to make every kindness seem double, by the timely, and freely bestowing thereof. He is the chief of them, who (by the vulgar) are said to be of good nature. His Symbol is, DIVAE MAXI MAE. And adjunct to signify thy greatness , which in heaven, earth, and hell is formidable. IS not that AMORPHUS, the traveler? First, PHILAUTIA (for she was the first,) Then light GELAIA, in AGLAIA'S name, Thirdly PHANTASTE, and MORIA next, Main follies all, and of the female crew: AMORPHUS, or EVCOSMOS counterfeit, Voluptuous HEDON taken for EVPATHES, Brazen ANAIDES, and ASOTUS last, With his two pages, MORUS and PROSAITES; And thou, the travellers evil, Cos, approach, Impostors all, and male deformities— Adored CYNTHIA, and bright ARETE, Another might seem fitter for this task, Then CRITES far, but that you judge not so: For I (not to appear vindicative, Or mindful of contempts, which I contemned As done of impotence) must be remiss, Who, as I was the author, in some sort, To work their knowledge into CYNTHIA'S sighed, So should be much severer to revenge Indignity, hence issuing to her name. But there's not one of these, who are unpained, Or by themselves unpunished: for vice Is Like a fury to the vicious mind, And turns delight it self to punishment. But we must forward to design their doom, You are offenders, that must be confessed, Do you confess it? And, that you merit sharp correction? Then we (reserving unto DELIA'S grace, Her further pleasure, and to ARETE What DELIA grants) thus do sentence you. That from this place (for penance known of all, Since you have drunk so deeply of selflove ) You (two and two) singing a palinode , March to your several homes by NIOBE'S stone, And offer up two tears apiece thereon; That it may change the name, as you must change, And of a stone be called weeping Cross : Because it stands cross of CYNTHIA'S way, One of whose names is sacred TRIVIA. And, after penance thus performed, you pass In Like set order, not as MIDAS did, To wash his gold off into Tagus stream, But to the well of knowledge, Helicon ; Where purged of your present maladies, (Which are not few, nor slender) you become Such as you feign would seem: and then return, Offering your service to great CYNTHIA. This is your sentence, if the goddess please. To ratify it with her high consent: "The scope of wise mirth unto fruit is bent. And so near his head? beshrew me, dangerous. Slight, will he be praised out of his clothes? 'Hart, they'll change doublets anon. I looked when he would repent him, he ha begun to be sad a good while. Beshrew me, a fine blunt slave! Cos? How happily hath fortune furnished him with a whet stone? Yes, and a very ancient, sir, the beggar. He will rank even with you (er't be long) If you hold on your course. Oh vanity, How are thy painted beauty's doted on, By light, and empty idiots! how pursued With open and extended appetite! How they do sweat, and run themselves from breath, Raised on their toes, to catch thy airy forms, Still turning giddy, till they reel Like drunkards, That buy the merry madness of one hour, With the long irk someness of following time! Oh how despised and base a thing is a man, If he not strive erect his groveling thoughts Above the strain of flesh! But how more cheap When, even his best and understanding partly, (The crown, and strength of all his faculties) Floats Like a dead drowned body, on the stream Of vulgar humour, mixed with commonest dregs? I suffer for their gilded now, and my soul (Like one that looks on il-affected eyes) Is hurt with mere intention on their follies: Why will I view them then? my sense might ask me: Or is't a racitie, or some new object, That strains my strict observance to this point? Oh would it were, therein I could afford My spirit should draw a little near to theirs, To gaze on novelties: so vice were one. Tut, she is stale, rank, foul, and were it not That those (that woo her) greet her with locked eyes, (In spite of all the impostures, paintings, drugs, Which her bawd custom daubs her cheeks withal) She would betray her loathed and leprous face, And right enamored dotards from themselves: But such is the perverseness of our nature, That if we once but fancy levity, (How antic and ridiculous so ere It suit with us) yet will our muffled thought Choose rather not to see it, then avoid it: And if we can but banish our own sense, We act our mimic tricks with that free licence, That lust, that pleasure, that security, As if we practised in a pasteboard case, And no one saw the motion, but the motion. Well, check thy passion, lest it grow too loud: "While fools are pitied, they wax fat, and proud. WHy, this was most unexpectedly followed (by divine deli cate MERCURY) by the beard of JOVE, thou art a precious deity. Soft, sir, I am Truchman , and do flourish before this Monsieur , or french -behaved gentleman, here; who is drawn hither by report of your chartells , advanced in court, to prove his fortune with your prizer , so he may have fair play shown him, and the liberty to choose his stickler. That, sir, he has to show here; and, confirmed under the hands of the most skilful, and cunning complementaries alive: please you read, sir. By your licence, grand-master. Come forward, sir.