BRAINWORM

Sir. Sir. Yes, of my word sir, and read the contents. Nay sir, I saw him not read it, nor open it, I assure your worship. Marry sir, because he charged me, on my life, to tell nobody, that he opened it: which, unless he had done, he would never fear to have it revealed. Yes, master STEPHEN, what of him? Faith, he is not of that mind: he is gone, master STEPHEN. He is rid hence. He took horse, at the street door. Why, you may have my m rs . gelding, to save your longing, sir. Why, a fine wisp of hay, rolled hard, master STEPHEN. You'll be worse vexed, when you are trussed, master STEPHEN. Best, keep unbraced; and walk your self, till you be cold: your choler may foundre you else. A very good leg! master STEPHEN! but the woollen stock king do's not commend it so well. You have and excellent good leg, master STEPHEN, but I cannot stay, to praise it longer now, and I am very sorry for't. 'slid, I am afeard, they will know me, would I could get by them. I cannot take leave on them, so: I will venture, come what will. Gentlemen, please you change a few crowns, for a very excellent good blade, here? I am a poor gentleman, a soldier, one that (in the better state of my Fortune's) scorned so mean a refuge, but now it is the humour of necessity, to have it so. You seem to be gentlemen, well affected to martial men, else I should rather die with silence, then line with shame: how ever, vouchsafe to remember, it is my want speaks, not my self. This condition agrees not with my spirit— May it please you, sir, in all the late wars of Bohemia, Hunga riam, Dalmatia, Poland , where not, sir? I have been a poor servitor, by sea and land, any time this fourteen years, and followed the Fortune's of the best Commanders in christendom. I was twice shot at the taking of Alepo , once at the relief of Vienna ; I have been at Marseilles, Naples , and the Adriatic gulf, a gentleman-slave in the galleys, thrice, where I was most dangerously shot in the head, through both the thighs, and yet, being thus maimed, I am void of maintenance, nothing left me but my scars, the noted marks of my resolution. Generous sir, I refer it to your own judgement; you are a gentleman, give me what you please. I assure you, the blade may become the side, or thigh of the best prince, in Europe. At your worships pleasure, sir; nay, it's a most pure Toledo. At your service, sir. I Cannot lose the thought, yet, of this letter, Sent to my son: nor leave admire the change Of manners, and the breeding of our youth, Within the kingdom, since my self was one. When I was young, he lived not in the stews, Durst have conceived a scorn, and uttered it, On a gray head; age was authority Against a buffon: and a man had, then, A certain reverence paid unto his years, That had none endue unto his life. So much The sanctity of some prevailed, for others. But, now, we all are fallen; youth, from their fear: And age, from that, which bred it, good example. Nay, would our selves were not the first, even parents, That did destroy the Hope's, in our own children: Or they not learned our vices, in their cradles, And sucked in our ill customs, with their milk. Ere all their teeth be born, or they can speak, We make their palates cunning! The first words, We form their tongues with, are licentious jests! Can it call, whore? cry, bastard? O, then, kiss it, A witty child! Can't swear? The father's darling! Give it two plums. Nay, rather then it shall learn No bawdy song, the mother' her self will teach it! But, this is in the infancy; the days Of the long coat: when it puts on the breeches, It will put off all this. I, it is Like: When it is gone into the bone already. No, no: This die goes deeper then the coat, Or shirt, or skin. It stains, unto the liver, And heart, in some. And, rather, then it should not, Note, what we father's do! Look, how we live! What Mistress's we keep! at what expense, In our sons eyes! where they may handle our gifts, Hear our lascivious courtships, see our dalliance, Taste of the same provoking meats, with us, To ruin of our states! Nay, when our own Portion is fled, to prey on their remainder, We call them into fellowship of vice! Bait them with the young chambermaid, to seal! And teach them all bade ways, to buy affiction! This is one path! but there are millions more, In which we spoil our own, with leading them. Well, I thank heaven, I never yet was he, That travailed with my son, before sixteen, To show him, the Venetian cortezans. Nor read the grammar of cheating, I had made To my sharp boy, at twelve: repeating still The rule, Get money; still, Get money, Boy ; No matter, by what means; Money will do More, Boy, then my Lords letter. Neither have I Dressed snails, or mushrooms curiously before him, Perfumed my sauces, and taught him to make them; Preceding still, with my gray gluttony, At all the ordinaries: and only feared His palate should degenerate, not his manners. These are the trade of father's, now! how ever My son, I hope, hath met within my threshold, None of these household precedents; which are strong, And swift, to rape youth, to their precipice. But, let the house at home be never so clean Swept, or kept sweet from filth; nay, dust, and cobwebs: If he will live, abroad, with his companions, In dung, and leystalls; it is worth a fear. Nor is the danger of conversing less, Then all that I have mentioned of example. My master? nay, faith have at you: I am fleshed now, I have sped so well. Worshipful sir, I beseech you, respect the estate of a poor soul dier; I am ashamed of this base course of life (god's my comfort) but ex tremitie provokes me to't, what remedy? By the faith I bear unto truth, gentleman, it is no ordinary custom in me, but only to preserve manhood. I protest to you, a man I have been, a man I may be, by your sweet bounty. Good sir, by that hand, you may do the partly of a kind gentle man, in lending a poor soldier the price of two cans of beer (a mat ter of small valve) the king of heaven shall pay you, and I shall rest thank full: sweet worship— O, tender sir, needs will have his course: I was not made to this vile use! well, the edge of the enemy could not have abated me so much: It's hard when a man hath served in his Princes cause, and be thus— Honourable worship, let me derive a small piece of silver from you, it shall not be given in the course of time, by this good ground, I was feign to pawn my rapier last night for a poor supper, I had sucked the hilts long before, I am a pagan else: sweet honour. Faith sir, I would gladly find some other course, if so— Alas sir, where should a man seek? in the wars, there's no ascent by desert in these days, but—and for service, would it were as soon purchased, as wished for (the air's my comfort) I know, what I would say— Please you, FITZ-SWORD, sir. Sir, by the place, and honour of a soldier— Nothing, sir, but wish my Fortune's were as happy, as my sir vice should be honest. Yes sir, straight, I'll but garter my hose. O that my belly were hoopt now, for I am ready to burst with laughing! never was bottle, or bagpipe fuller. 'Slid, was there ever seen a fox in years to betray himself thus? now shall I be possessed of all his counsels: and, by that con duit, my young master. Well, he is resolved to prove my honesty; faith, and I am resolved to prove his patience: o I shall abuse him intolerably. This small piece of service, will bring him clean out of love with the soldier, for ever. He will never come within the sign of it, the sighed of a cassock, or a musket-rest again. He will hate the musters at Mile-end for it, to his dying day. It's no matter, let the world think me a bade con terfeit, If I cannot give him the slip, at and instant: why, this is better then to have stayed his journey! well, I'll follow him: o, how I long to be employed. YEs faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you, too. I sir, I know you, by sighed. Yes, marry, did I sir. True, I did so. No sir, I confess it, it is none. Sir, shall I entreat a word with you? You are conceited, sir, your name is M r . KNO'WELL, as I take it? No sir, I am none of that coat. Faith sir, I am but servant to the drum extraordinary, and in deed (this smoky varnish being washed off, and three or four patches re moved) I appear your worships in reversion, after the decease of your good father, BRAINWORM. The breath of your letter, sir, this morning: the same that blue you to the windmill, and your father after you. Nay, never start, it's true, he has followed you over the field's, by the foot, as you would do a hare in the snow. At Justice CLEMENTS house here, in Colman -street, where he but stays my return; and then— The same, sir. Faith, a devise, a devise: nay, for the love of reason, gentlemen, and avoiding the danger, stand not here, withdraw, and I'll tell you all. Do I live, sir? what a question is that? AMEN, AMEN, AMEN, say I. WHat says he, THOMAS? Did you speak with him? Of a Hounds-ditch man, sir. One of the devil's near kinsmen, a broker. True sir, but I did needs a broker, Ergo. And yet where I have one, the broker ha ten, sir, Master, glance, glance! Master WELLBRED! No, sir, they went in here. Can he find, in his heart, to curse the stars, so? I warrant you, sir, fear nothing: I have a nimble soul ha waked all forces of my phantasy, by this time, and put them in true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make it no question. Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of your worships service. Oh, sir! your coming to the city, your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch—indeed, all the circumstances either of your charge, or my employment, are as open to your son, as to your self! I am, partly, of the faith, it's so indeed. Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art! Is not your son a scholar, sir? You should rather ask, where they found me, sir, for, I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when (of a sud dain) a voice calls, M r KNO-WEL's man; another cries, soldier: and thus, half a dosen of them, till they had called me within a house where I no So ner came, but thy seemed men, and out slew all their rapiers at my bosom, with some three or four score oaths to accompany them, & all to tell me, I was but a dead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what; which, when they could not get out of me (as I protest, they must have dissected, and made and Anatomy o'me, first, and so I told them) the locked me up into a room in the top of a high house, whence, by a great miracle (having a light heart) I slid down, by a bottom of packthread, into the street, and so escaped. But, sir, thus much I can as sure you, for I herd it, while I was locked up, there were a great many rich Merchant's, and brave citizens wives with them at a feast, and your son, M r . EDWARD, withdrew with one of them, and has pointed to meet her anon, at one COBS house, a water-bearer, that dwells by the wall. Now, there, your worship shall be sure to take him, for there he preys, and fail he will not. I sir, there you shall have him. Yes? Invisible? Much wench, or much son! God's-light, when he has stayed there, three or four hours, travelling with the expectation of wonders, and at length be delivered of air: o, the sport, that I should then take, to look on him, if I durst! But, now, I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape. I have another trick, to act, yet. Oh, that I were so happy, as to light on a nupson, now, of this Justices novice. Sir, I make you stay somewhat long. I was putting up some papers— Marry have I, sir; to my lose: and expense of all, almosst— Oh, sir— No, I assure you, sir, why, at any time when it please you, I shall be ready to discourse to you, all I know: and more too, somewhat. I'll follow you, sir, and make grift o'you, if I have good luck. Sir, did your eyes ever taste the Like clown of him, where we were to day, M r . WEL-BRED's half brother? I think, the whole earth cannot show his parallel, by this daylight. M r . KITELY, my master, Justice CLEMENT, salutes you; and desires to speak with you, with all possible speed. Marry sir, my proper fine penman, would needs bestow the grist o'me, at the windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where so I marshaled him, that I made him drunk, with admiration! &, because, too much hear was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked, as he lay along a sleep, and borrowed his suit, to deliver this counterfeit message in, lea ving a rusty armour, and and old brown bill to watch him, till my return: which shall be, when I have pawned his apparel, and spent the better partly of the money, perhaps. With all my heart, sir? Sir, you know my service is my living, such favours as these, got of my master, is his only preferment, and therefore, you must con sider me, as I may make benefit of my place. Faith sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be, of great account: yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down a brace of angels, in my hand, you shall have it, otherwise not. I am content, sir; I will get you the warrant presently, what's his name, say you? DOWNRIGHT? What manner of man is he? It's very good, sir. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently, but, who will you have to serve it? Why, you were best get one of the varlets of the city, a sergeant. I'll appoint you one, if you please. This is rare! now, will I go pawn this cloak of the Justice's men, at the brokers, for a varlets suit, and be the varlet my self; and get either more pawns, or more mouie of DOWNRIGHT, for the arrest. O, here it is, I am glad: I have found it now. Ho? who is within, here? Yes, an't please you, sir: he told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure a warrant from his master (which I have about me) to be served on one DOWNRIGHT. Master DOWNRIGHT, I arrest you, i'the queen's name, and must carry you afore a Justice, by virtue of this warrant. Why, now are you deceived, gentlemen? Master DOWNRIGHT, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, procured by these two gentlemen. Keep the peace, I charge you, in her Majesties name. Go before, master Justice CLEMENT, to answer what they can object against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir. Master STEPHEN, I must arrest you. Sir, I'll take your word; and this gentleman's, too: for his ap parance. Sir, I may choose, to do that: I may take bail. Sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again. I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir. I have made a fair mash on't. I know no remedy, master STEPHEN. I think not, sir. It is but a whipping matter, sure! No, sir, your worship's man, master FORMAL, bid me do it, for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge. Oh, good sir, I beseech you; nay, good master Justice. Oh, good your worship. No, I thank your good worship, sir. Good, sir, I beseech you, be good to me. Nay, sir, if you will commit me, it shall be for committing more then this: I will not lose, by my travail, any grain of my fame certain. Nay, excellent Justice, since I have laid my self thus open to you; now, stand strong for me: both with your sword, and your balance. That is it, I have most needs of. Sir, if you'll pardon me, only; I'll glory in all the rest, of my exploits. Yes, faith, I have, sir; though you retained me doubly this mor ning, for your self: first, as BRAINWORM; after, as FITZ-SWORD. I was your reformed soldier, sir. 'Twas I sent you to COBS, upon the errand, without end. Oh, sir, this ha been the day of my metamorphosis! It is not that shape alone that I have run through, to day. I brought this gentle man, master KITELY, a message too, in the form of master Justices man, here, to draw him out of the way, as well as your worship: while master WELLBRED might make a conveyance of mistress BRIDGET, to my young master. Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three thou sand pound (which is her portion) can make them: and by this time are ready to bespeak their wedding supper at the windmill, except some friend, here, prevent them, and invite them home. Faith, sir, after some ceremony passed, as making him drunk, first with story, and then with wine (but all in kindness) and stripping him to his shirt: I left him in that cool vain, departed, sold your worships warrant to these two, pawned his livery for that varlets gown, to serve it in; and thus have brought my self, by my activity, to your worships consideration. I will sir, presently. Well sir. Yes, sir, a pretty while since. In his chamber sir. No sir, he saw him not. Oh lord, sir, that were a jest, indeed! Believe me, master STEPHEN, rarely well,