BOBADILL

A cup of thy small beer, sweet hostess. A gentleman! 'ods so, I am not within. What a plague—what meant he? Who's there? (take away the basin, good hostess) come up, sir. Gentle master MATTHEW! Is it you, sir? Please you fit down. Not so, sir. I was requested to supper, last night, by a sort of Gall lants, where you were wished for, and drunk to, I assure you. Marry, by young WELLBRED, and others: Why, hostess, a stool here, for this gentleman. Body of me! It was so late ere we parted last night, I can scarce open my eyes, yet; I was but new risen, as you came: how passes the day abroad, sir? you can tell. I, sir: fit down, I pray you. Master MATTHEW (in any case) possess no gentlemen of our acquaintance, with notice of my lodging. Not that I needs to care who know it, for the Cabin is conue nient, but in regard I would not be too popular, and generally visited, as some are. For, do you see, sir, by the heart of valour, in me, (except it be oh some peculiar and choice spirits, to whom I am extraordinarily engaged, as your self, or so) I could not extend thus far. I confess, I love a cleanly and quiet privacy, above all the tu mult, and roar of fortune. What new book have you there? What! Go by , HIERONYMO! Well pend? I would feign see all the Poets , of these times, pen such another play as that was! they'll prate and swagger, and keep a stir of art and devices, when (as I am a gentleman) read them, they are the most shallow, pitiful, barren fellows, that live upon the face of the earth, again! It's good. Nay, proceed, proceed. Where's this? So, so, It's the fashion, gentlemen now use. Squire DOWNRIGHT? the halfbrother? was't not? Hang him, rook, he! why, he has no more judgement then a malt-horse. By S. GEORGE, I wonder youled lose a thought upon such and animal: the most peremptory absurd clown of christendom , this day, he is held. I protest to you, as I am a gentleman, and a soldier, I never changed words, with his Like. By his discourse, he should eat no thing but hay. He was born for the manger, pannier, or packsaddle! He ha not so much as a good phrase in his belly, but all old iron, and rusty proverbs! a good commodity for some smith, to make hobnails of. How! He the bastinado ! how came he by that word, trow? That may be: For I was sure, it was none of his word. But, when? when said he so? By the foot of PHARAOH, and it were my case now, I should send him a chartel , presently. The bastinado! A most proper, and sufficient dependence , warranted by the great CARANZA. Come hither. You shall chartel him. I'll show you a trick, or two, you shall kill him with, at plea sure: the first stoccata , if you will, by this air. Of whom? Of whom have you herd it. I beseech you? By heaven, no, not I; no skill in the earth: some small rudi ments in the science, as to know my time, distance, or so. I have professed it more for noblemen, and gentlemens use, then mine own practice, I assure you. Hostess, accommodate us with another bedstaff here, quickly: Lend us another bedstaff. The woman do's not understand the words of Actium. Look you, sir. Exalt not your point above this state, at any hand, and let your poinard maintain your defence, thus: (give it the gentleman, and leave us) so, sir. Come on: Oh twine your body more about, that you may fallen to a more sweet comely gentlemanlike guard. So, indifferent. Hollow your body more sir, thus. Now, stand fast of your left leg, note your distance, keep your endue proportion of time— O, you disorder your point, most irregularly! Oh, out of measure ill! A well-experienced hand would pass upon you, at pleasure. Why, thus sir (make a thrust at me) come in, upon the answer, control your point, and make a full career, at the body. The best-pra ctis'd gallants of the time, name it the passada: a most desperate thrust, believe it! Why, you do not manage your weapon with any facility, or grace to invite me: I have no spirit to play with you. Your dearth of judgement renders you tedious. Venue! Fie. Most gross denomination, as ever I herd. Oh, the stoccata , while you live, sir. Note that. Come, put on your cloak, and wee'll go to some private place, where you are acquainted, some tavern, or so—and have a bit— I'll send for one of these Fencers, and he shall breath you, by my direction; and, then, I will teach you your trick. You shall kill him with it, at the first, if you please. Why, I will learn you, by the true judgement of the eye, hand, and foot, to control any e nemies point in the world. Should your adversary confront you with a Pistol, 'twere nothing, by this hand, you should, by the same rule, control his bullet, in a line: except it were hailshot, and spread. What money have you about you, M r . MATTHEW? It's some what with the least: but, come. We will have a bunch of reddish, and salt, to taste our wine; and a pipe of to bacco , to close the ori fice of the stomach: and then, wee'll call upon young WELLBRED. Per haps we shall meet the CORIDON, his brother, there: and put him to the question. THOMAS, Come hither, There lies a note, within upon my desk, Here, take my key: It is no matter, neither. Where is the Boy? Speak to him? away, by the foot of PHARAOH, you shall not, you shall not do him that grace. The time of day, to you, Gentleman o'the house. Is M r . WELLBRED stirring? Gentleman of the house, it is to you: is he within, sir? The gentleman-citizen hath satisfied me, I'll talk to no scam venger. Your brother delivered us as much. He. M r . WELLBRED, I know not in what kind you hold me, but let me say to you this: as sure as honour, I esteem it so much out of the sunshine of reputation, to through the least beam of reguard, upon such a— I, protest to you, as I have a thing to be saved about me, I never saw any gentlemanlike partly— With your leave, sir, and there were no more men living upon the face of the earth, I should not fancy him, by S. GEORGE. Sir, I must tell you this, I am no general man, but for M r . WEL-BRED'S sake (you may embrace it, at what height of favour you please) I do communicate with you: and conceive you, to be a gentleman of some parts, I love few words. Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honourable piece of service, was performed tomorrow, being S to . MARKS day: shall be some ten years, now? Why, at the beleag'ring of Strigonium , where, in less then two hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen, as any were in Europe , lost their lives upon the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first, but the best leagure, that ever I beheld, with these eyes, except the taking in of—what do you call it, last year, by the Genowayes , but that (of all other) was the most fatal, and dangerous exploit, that ever I was ranged in, since I first boar arms before the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman, & soldier. O lord, sir? by S. GEORGE, I was the first man, that entered the breach: and, had I not effected it with resolution, I had been slain, if I had had a million of lives. I assure you (upon my reputation) it's true, and your self shall confess. Observe me judicially, sweet sir, they had planted me three demi-culverings, joust in the mouth of the breach; now, sir (as we were to give on) their master gunner (a man of no mean skill, and mark, you must think) confronts me with his linstock, ready to give fire; I spying his intendment, discharged my petrionel in his bosom, and with these single arms, my poor rapier, ran violently, upon the Moors , that guar dead the ordinance, and put'hem pellmell to the sword. Without any impeach, of the earth: you shall perceive sir. It is the most fortunate weapon, that ever rid on poor gentleman's thigh: shall I tell you, sir? you talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana , or so? tut, I lend no credit to that is fabled of them, I know the virtue of mine own, and therefore I dare, the boldlier, maintain it. A most perfect Toledo , I assure you, sir. This a Toledo ? pish. A Fleming , by heaven, I'll buy them for a guilder, a piece, and I would have a thousand of them. A poor provant rapier, no better. Master KITELY'S man, pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match. Body of me! here's the remainder of seven pound, since you sterday was sevennight. It's your right Trinidado ! did you never take a nigh, master STEPHEN? Sir, believe me (upon my relation) for what I tell you, the world shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies (where this herb grows) where neither my self, nor a dozen gentlemen more (of my knowledge) have received the taste of any other nutriment, in the world, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only. Therefore, it cannot be, but it's most divine! Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind so, it makes and antidote , that (had you taken the most deadly poyso nous plant in all Italy , it should expel it, and clarify you, with as much ease, as I speak. And, for your green wound, your Balsamum , and your S to . JOHN'S woort are all mere gulleries, and trash to it, especially your Trinidado : your Nicotian is good too. I could say what I know of the for tue of it, for the expulsion of rheums, raw humours, crudities, obstru ctions, with a thousand of this kind, but I profess my self no quacksalver. Only, thus much, by HERCULES, I do hold it, and will affirm it (be before any Prince in Europe ) to be the most sovereign, and precious weed, that ever the earth tendered to the use of man. Where's the match I gave thee? Master KITELIES man? You base cullion, you. Do you prate? Do you murmur? A horson filthy slave, a dung-worm, and excrement! Body of Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd have stabbed him, to the earth. By PHARAOS foot, I would have done it. Master MATTHEW, you abuse the expectation of your deer mistress, and her fair sister: Fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity. Well, sirrah, you, HOLOFERNES: by my hand, I will pink your flesh, full of holes, with my rapier for this; I will, by this good hea ven: Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen, by the body of Saint GEORGE, I'll not kill him. I, but I think, I taught you prevention, this morning, for that— You shall kill him, beyond question: if you be so generously minded. Oh, you do not give spirit enough, to our motion, you are too tardy, too heavy! O, it must be done Like lightning, hay? Tut, it's nothing, and it be not done in a— punto! I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after my long travail, for knowledge (in that mystery only) there came three, of four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident, at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and with all so much importuned me, that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I was ashamed of their rude demeanour, out of all measure: well, I told them, that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite (in diameter ) to my humour, but, if so they would give their attendance at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, and so forth. Alas, soon tried! you shall hear sir. Within two or three days after , they came; and, by honesty; fair sir, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention, have purchased them, since, a credit, to admiration! they canot deny this: and yet now, they hate me, and why? because I am excellent, and for no other vile reason on earth. Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous nature's, but note, sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone, in diverse skirts in the town, as Turn-bull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch , which were then my quarters, and since upon the Exchange , at my lodging, and at my ordinary: where I have driven them afore me, the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet, all this lenity will not overcome their spleen: they will be doing with the pismier, raising a hill, a man may spurn abroad, with his foot, at pleasure. By my self, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other then this bastinado for them: yet, I hold it good polity, not to go disarmed, for though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes. Alas, no: what's a peculiar man, to a nation? not seen. Indeed, that might be some lose; but, who respects it? I will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to my self: but, were I known to her Majesty, and the Lords (observe me) I would undertake (upon this poor head, and life) for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lines of her subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge, in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And, how would I do it, think you? Why thus, sir. I would select nineteen, more, to my self, throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong, and able constitution, I would choose them by and instinct, a character, that I have: and I would teach these nineteen, the special rules, as your Punto , your Reverso , your Stoccata , your Imbroccata , your Passada , your Montanto : till they could all play very near, or altogether as well as my self. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into the field, the tenth of March , or thereabouts; and we would chal lenge twenty of the enemy; they could not, in their honour, refuse us, well, we would kill them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus, would we kill, every man, his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundredth; two hundredth a day, five days a thousand; forty thou sand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundredth days kills them all up, by computation. And this, will I venture my poor gentlemanlike carcase, to perform (provided, there be no treason practised upon us) by fair, and discreet manhood, that is, civilly by the sword. Tut, never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you. Why, sir, you mistake me! if he were here now, by this well kin, I would not draw my weapon on him! let this gentleman do his mind: but, I will bastinado him (by the bright sun) wherever I meet him. It's not he? is it? Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so: but I can hardly be induced, to believe, it was he, yet. Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee, hear me— Tall man, I never thought on it, till now (body of me) I had a warrant of the peace, served on me, even now, as I came along, by a uva ter-bearer; this gentleman saw it, M r . MATTHEW. Hold, hold, under thy favour, forbear. Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by this good day. I cannot tell, sir. I desire good construction, in fair sort. I ne ver sustained the Like disgrace (by heaven) sure I was struck with a plan net thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon. Why, what should they say? but as of a discreet gentleman? quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments: and that's all? A rude partly, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used, laid on strongly, born most patiently: and that's all. Tut, I assure you, no: you shall have there your Nobilis, your Gentelezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assalto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood! But, wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was fascinated, by JUPITER: fascinated: but I will be vn-witch'd, and revenged, by law. It were not amiss, would we had it. Agreed, do you speak. Not a cross, by fortune. Pawn? we have none to the valve of his demand. Well, and there be no remedy: I'll step aside, and pull them off. And, here, are stockings. Body of me, I know not! it's service of danger? Wee'll leave it to you, sir. Let's go, in quest of him. Bear back, master MATTHEW. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us: But see, here a comes, indeed! this is he, officer. The varlet's a tall man! afore heaven! Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman, and my self, have been most uncivilly wronged, and beaten, by one DOWNRIGHT, a course fellow, about the town, here, and for mine own partly, I protest, being a man, in no sort, given to this filthy humour of quarreling, he hath a aulted me in the way of my peace; dispoil'd me of mine honour; disarmed me of my weapons; and rudely, laid me along, in the open streets: when, I not so much as once offered to resist him. I, an't please your worship. Of your clarke, sir?