CUFF

Here at hand. Almost at your Elbow. Good Band, do not fret so. Nay: if you be so broad with him, Band, we shall have a fray presently. It was fit time for me to stay you up, for I am sure you were a falling Band. Sfoot, if these two should go together by the ears and hurt one another, Cuff would be in a fine plighted: would he not? If they talk of lacing, I were best look about my self. Did you not hear of the great Bans went over of late? It may be so, for I am sure he is a Hol land Band. Truly, his Laundress will bear him witness thereof. Now I perceive, the Spaniard and the Hollander will to it roundly. No, I dare warrant you, there is no man more careful of the time then he: for I am sure he hath always at the least a dozen Clocks about him. Nay, you shall not partly so, you will go into the fields, and know not what fighting means: a couple of white livered fellows, your Laundress will make you both as white as a clout if she list; If you lack beating, shee'l beat you, I'll warrant you, shee'l so clap your sides toga there, that they shall be beaten out in once or twice would ̄ dling; why? I have known her leave her marks behind her a whole week after, sheell quickly beat you Black and Blue, for I am sure shee'll scarce wash white before she starch. Well, remember your selves and Mi stris Stitchwel, one to whom you have been both beholding in your days. No, nor you neither? I thought so, why its the Sempster, one that both you had been undone, had it not be for her: but what talk I of your undoing? I say Mistress Stitchwel the Sempster was the very maker of you both, yet thus little do you re guard her: but it is the common custom of you all, when you come to be so great as you are, you forget from what house you come. Well, Band and Ruff, you were best both of you to take heed of her, you know she set you both in the Stocks once before, and if she catch you again, it is a hundredth to one, if she hang you not both up, for she hath God strings already. Since you will go, go; but hear me, if you go, look at me well; as little a fellow as I am, I will come and Cuff you both out of the fields; if I do not, say, Cuff is no man of his hands. If you go, you shall never say that Cuff came of a sleeveless errand: I'll bind your hands (I warrant you) for striking. And you be so choleric, I'll even pin you both in, as soon as I come home: can you not decide the quarrel between your selves without a field? I had thought you had been a little more mild, Ruff. You were a horrible Puritane the other day, and very pre cise, Ruff. Come, you shall be friends, Band. Nay, surely he is his Master, at least his Maker: for Bans make rags; Rags make Paper, Paper makes Pasteboard, and Pasteboard makes Collar; and I think that this is a stiff argument that he is his Master. But you shall not. Have you not Friends and Neighbours enough to end this con trouersie, but you must go into the fields, and there cut the thread of your lives? we'll have none of that: come choose you and Umpire, Band, for it shall be so. Ruff, you shall be content. Nay, stay there, he is a most filthy Sni veling fellow, & a notable lawyer; he will wipe your Nose of all, if you put the case to him: but what say you to Shirt? Why, then go to Master Cap, the headman of the Town. Here's ado with you, and my Lord Corpus, indeed, I would you were both hanged about his neck for me. But I see, this strife will never be ended, till I be Arbitrator my self, you know, I am equally allied to you both: shall I be Moderator between you? Well then, thus I pronounce. Ruff shall be most accounted of amongst the Clergy, for he is the graver Fellow. (Although I know, the Puritans will not greatly care for him, he hath such a deal of setting, and they love stan ding better.) As for you, Band, you shall be most made of amongst the young Gallants (all though sometime they shall use Ruff, for a fa shion, but not otherwise;) how ever, you need not regard the giddy headed multitude, let them do as they list, sometime respecting one, sometime the other: but when you come to the Counsellors, and men of Law, which know right from wrong, acknowledging both your Worths to be equal, they shall prefer neither, but use the kindness of you both, wearing both a Band and a Ruff; how say you, are you both content? Claw me, and I'll claw thee, the proverb goes, Let it be true in that our Muse here shoes, Cuff graceth hand, Cuffs debtors hands remain, Let hands clap me, and I'll Cuff them again.