WHETSTONE

What Gentlemen? all mine old acquaintance? A whole triplicity of friends together? nay then It's three to one we shall not soon partly Company. You say right, Mr. Whetstone I have been, Mr. Whet stone I am, and Mr. Whetstone I shall be, and those that know me, know withal that I have not my name for nothing, I am he whom all the brave Blades of the Country use to whet their wits upon; sweet Mr. Shakton, dainty Mr. Bantham, and dainty Mr. Arthur, and how, and how, what all lustick, all froligozone? I know, you are going to my Uncle's to dinner, and oh am I too, What shall we all make one rendezvous there, You needs not doubt of your welcome. Where do I lie? why sometime in one place, and then again in another, I love to shift lodgings; but most con stantly, wheresoever I dine or sup, there do I lie? But where so ever I lie it's no matter for that, I pray you say, and say truth, are ot you three now Going to dinner to my Uncle's? owe? A Witch Gentlemen? I hope you do not mean to abuse me, though at this time (if report be true there are too many of them here in our Country) but I am sure I look Like no such ugly Creature. No such kind of people! I pray you tell me Gentle men, did never any one of you know my Mother? I do not say as Witches go now a days, for they for the most partly are ugly old Belda S, but she was a lusty young Lass, and by her own report, by her beauty and fair looks bewitched my Father. You say right, and know withal I come of two and cient Families, for as I am a Whetstone by the Mother-side, so I am a By-blow by the Father's. I would have you think I scorn Like my Granams Cat to leap over the Hatch. Howsoever I was begotten, here you see I am, And if my Parents went to it without fear or wit, What can I help it. Gentlemen, it seems you have some private business amongst your selves, which I am not willing to interrupt, I know not how the day goes with you, but for mine own partly, my stomach is now much upon 12. You know what hour my Uncle keeeps, and I love ever to be set before the first grace, I am going before, speak, shall I acquaint him with your coming after? And you know it is his custom to fare well, And in that respect I think I may be his kinsman, And so farewell Gentlemen, I'll be your forerunner, To give him notice of your visit. I see you are perfect both in my name & surname; I have ever bound unto you, for which I will at this time be your Noverint, and give him notice that you Universi will be with him per praesentes, and that I take to be presently. The brown dog for two pieces. Of what you dare; name them from the last with the double rings, to the late Coy'nd which they say are all counterfeit. What needs that? do you think my word and my money is not all one? I think I have reason, for I have been at the death of more . Another into a river, nothing appearing above water, save only the tip of her nose to take breath. How mean you that? Bastard! Oh base. Bastard? that shall be tried; well Gentlemen con cerning Hare-hunting you might have hard more, if he had had the grace to have said less, but for the word Bastard, if I do not tell my Uncle, I and my Aunt too, either when I would speak ought or go of the S over for any thing, let me never be trusted, they are older than I, and what know I, but they might be by when I was begotten; but if thou Bantam dost not hear of this with both thine ears, if thou hast them still, and not lost them by scribbling, instead of Whetstone call me Grind -stone, and for By-bl w, Bulfinch. Gentlemen, for two of you your company is fair and honest; but for you Bantam, remember and take no tice also, that I am a bastard, and so much i'll testify to my Aunt and Uncle. And I! Yet I fear nothing thank my Aunt. I say so too, and so my Aunt ever told me, so long I will fear nothing; be not afraid Mr. Doughty. Sir, what I know i'll keep to my self, a good c vile merry harmless ro e she is, and comes to my Aunt often, and thats all I know by her. And you may do well to question her if you dare. For the testy old coxcomb that will not let her go out of his hand. I tell you sir, they say she made a pail follow her tother day up two pair of stairs. O brave Fiddlers, there was never better scuffling for the Tudberry But to. Very good, I Like this beginning well: for where they sleighted me before, they shall find me a man of note. Here's a more private room gentlemen, free from the noise of the Hall. Here we may alke, and throw the chamber out of the casements. Some wine and a short banquet. So now leave us. Yes, I thank my A nt; for though I be but a daily guest yet I can be w lcome to her at midnight. But no such discourse as we had last, each you. I think so too; but whats that amongst friends, for I would feign know which amongst you all knows his own fa there. I presume you had no more privilege in your getting than . But tell me gentlemen, is there any man here amongst you, that hath a mind to see his father? In his house, that goes for your father you would say: For know one morning, your mother's husband rid early to have a Nisi prius tried at Lancaster Syzes, he crept into his warm place, lay close by her side, and then were you God. Then come, your heals and tail , and kneel your own deer father. Why laugh you Gentlemen? It may be more men's cases than his or mine. Bant. To be thus . Would either of you two now see his father in earnest Who when he came to take measure of her upper parts had more mind to the lower, whilst the good man was in the fields hunting, he was at home . Then, since no better comfort be had, Come down, come down, ask blessing of your dad. You know him. And never served your father? Who when your supposed father had business at the Lord Presidents Court in York, stood for his Attorney at home, & so it seems you were God by deputy: what all a mort? if you will have but a little patience, stay & you shall see mine too: And know I show you him the rather, To find who hath the best man to his Father. Now Gentlemen make me your President, learn your duties, and I do—A blessing Dad. Come, come, let's home, we'll find other time, When to dispute of these things— : Nay Gent. no in begun in , let's not end in ; you see are more By-blows than bear the ; It is grown a great kindred in the Kingdom. Come, come, all friends; Let's into the Cellar and conclude our Revels in a lusty health. Well Sir, though you be no Uncle, yet mine Ant's mine Aunt, and shall be to her dying day. Well Sir, mine Ant's mine Aunt, and for that trick I will not leave her till I see her do a worse. My hand is there too, for a man cannot set to his Mark, but it may be called his hand; I am a Gentleman both ways, and it hath been held that it is the partly of a Gentleman, to write a scurvy hand. Heigh day, this Gentleman speaks likes a Country Parson that had took his text out of Ovid's Metamorphosis. Say you so Gentlemen, nay then I am for your compa nigh still, it's said Hares are Like Hermaphrodites, one while Male, and another Female, and that which begets this year, brings young ones the next; which some think to be the reason that witches take their shapes so oft: Nay if I lie Pliny lies too, but come, now I have light upon you, I cannot so lightly leave you farewell Uncle. What do's the Devil ride of your Fiddlestickes. She has spoke to purpose, & whither this were witch craft or not: I have herd my Aunt say twenty times, that no Witchcraft can take hold of a Lancashire Bagpipe, for it self is able to charm the Devil, isle fetch him. Thats all one; if any man here desire it, let him but speak the word, and it's sufficient. Do you know him that looks so full in your face; In my Uncle's absence who but I should comfort my Aunt, Am I not of the Blood, am not I next of Kin? Why Aunt? The Devil shall leave you ere isle forsake you, Aunt, you know, ic is So, and being so sick do you think isle leave you, what know I but this Bed may prove your deathbed, and and then I hope you will remember me, that is, remember me in your Will. Who's that knocks with such authority. Ten to one my Uncle's come to town. Do good Mal, and how, and how sweet Aunt? Oh Uncle you come in good time, my Aunt is so sud Daintily taken as if she were ready to give up the spirit. Hath my Aunt been playing at handee dandee, nay then if the game go this way I fear she'l have the worst han on't. You say right, I kn w another, who to escape the Dogs hath taken a house, and leapt in at a window. He looks on you speak, do you know him? He points at you. And isle take the brown dogs partagainst the pide How daintily the Brides hair is powdered with it. More then any man here I am sure. I should be loath at these years to be ignorant of hairing or whoring. I kn w a hare close hunred, climb a tree. I never fear any thing, so long as my but idden me think of her, and me.