JOHN GRESHAM

I had as good depart too, for heel ring a peal in mine Will found worse then a passing bell. (care, And I hope good Uncle, you think, I am as ready to take good counsel, as you to give it, & I doubt not, but to clear, my self of all objections that foulmouthed envic shall inti mate against me. That's true, her honesty hath been proved ofter then once or twice: but do you know her Uncle? are you in ward with her course of life, she's a common midwife for trade fallen virginity, there are more maidenheads charged and dis charged in her house in a year, then pieces at the Artillery yard. I never called her out of name, by this hand Uncle, to my remembrance: True; and I have known her answer too't a thousand times; tut Uncle 'tis her name, and I know who gave it her too, by the same token her Godfather gave her a bowed angel stan ding at the do re which she hath kept time out a mind. Love, why alas, Uncle, I hold it percell of my duty to love my neighbours, and should I hate his wife, no man would hold me a fit member for a common wealth. Why, ahlas Uncle, that's not my fault, isle love him never thelesse, you know we are commanded to love our enemies, and though he would see me hanged, yet will I love his wife. Why, ahlas Uncle, the poor whore went naked, and you know the text commands us to cloth the naked, and deeds of mercy be imputed to us for faults, God help the elect. Well Uncle to approve my words, as indeed good words without deeds are Like your green figtree without fruit. I have sworn my self to a more conformable and strict course of life. A new man, what else Uncle, I'll be a new man from the top to toe, or isle want of my will: Instead of Tennis-Court, my morning Exercise shall be at Saint Antlms: isle leave Ordinam rises, and to the end I may forswear Dicing and Drabbing, keep me more short Uncle, only allow me good apparel, good Rags isle stand too't are better then seven years prenticeship, sor theyle make a man free of any, nay of all Companies with out Indenture, Father's copy, or any help whatsoever, but I see my error, wild Youth must be bridled, keep me short good Uncle. Any thing good Uncle, I have served my prenticeship all ready, but bind me again and I shall be content, and 'tis but reason neither, send me to the Conduit with the water-tankard, isle beat Linen, Bucks, or any thing to redeem my negligence. And you intend to send me in his room, I 'tis well done Uncle, and will not be amiss in pol licie to do so: the only way to curb a dissolute youth as I am, is to send him from his acquaintancc, and therefore send me far enough good Uncle, send me into France and spare not, and if that reclaim me not, give me over as one passed all goodness. I hope sir to put on such civil conformity, as you shall not repent my entertainment. And if I take not order to cashier that and myself too, a pox of all French-farthingales. Somewhat unwilling to leave my acquaintance, but good Uncle, I know you send me out of love, and I hope will be a means to call me home the sooner. I'll want of my will else, I'll play a Merchants partly with you, isle take up french Commodities, v luet kirtles, and taffery foreparts; isle would that I go for, or isle make half the hothouses in Deep smoke for this trick. Sir, my M. here having preferred me to be his Factor into I am come to take my leave of you. (France I did but stay sir, to take my leave of my Uncle. God grant that I may see it. I fit. Yes Sir. In Powles Churchyard Sir. Yes marry will I sir. As I told you Timothy, You must send my Uncle straight a hundred pound: A dines at Doctor Nowels, and gave me in charge To hast with the money after him. Fear God, 'Sfoot what else, I fear God and the devil Foot thou wouldst not have me make my self a French Martyr, to be burned at these years wouldst thou? I by my faith Timothy it may be you have, for as close as you carry your teeth together, with indeed good brother, I do not think but once in a year, a man might find you quartered betwixt the Mouth at Bishops-gare, and the preaching place in Spittle. It is the more Like Timothy you have been acquainted with the pox then. Come right your self and your Master then, and send him this one hundred pound, here's his sealed Ring, I hope a warrant sufficient. Spend it, God send me but once to finger it, and if I do not make a Flanders reckoning on't, and that is as I have herd mad wags say, receive it hear and revel it away in and oh there place: let me be spit out of the room of good fellowship, and never have so much favour to touch the skirt of a Taffatie petticoat. Tut I am young, mine Uncle's and old chuff, And isle not want by God, since he hath enough. I must not let this same wainscot-face, yea & nay, hear me though. I am the less beholding unto you, but now I hau't, be cause you preached to me upon my demand of it, isle be so bold to lecture to you upon your delivery, Timothy you know the Proverb good Timothy, That the still Sow eats a l the draff: and no question the most smooth tongued fellow, the more ar rant knave: God forbid I should call you so Timothy, yet I will leave this for your further remembrance. Under the yea and nay, men often buy Much cosonage, find many aly: He that with yea and nay makes all his sayings, Yet proves a Judas in his dealings, Shall have this written over his graven, Thy life seemed pure, yet died a knave. Why, a trusted me to come with't. Let me but ask thee this question, Whither dost thou go, in any love to thy master, or to me? Heart I have cour'st thorough two or three Lanes, yet the miching slave follows me so close I can not give him the slip for this hundred pound: as God save me now ti's in my hand i'do rather be hanged then partly from it: Foot, will make a man merry half a year together in France, command wenches or any thing: partly from it quoth you, that were a jest indeed: shall a young man as I am, and though I say it indifferent proper, go in to a strange country, and not show himself what mettle he is made of when a comes there: I protest a very good hundred pound, a hundred pound will go far in France, and when a man hath it not of his own, who should he make bold withal for it, if he may not with his Uncle; but see if that thin faced rogue be not come again, I must have a trick for him. Will you, there should be Sergeants here about, will you: Lord if it be thy will send me to hit of one, and if I do not show you a trick, thou shouldst be a Sergeant by thy peering so. Thou art happily met: I am looking for one, what's I faith. Here Honesty, there's money for thy arrest, Be sure to take good Bail or clap him fast: I hope I shall show you a trick. See where he is, God prosper it. Fasten upon him Like a hungry Dog upon a piece of meat: And if this be not a trick to chaste a fool, A more knave learn me, and isle go to school. Nay, nay, this 100. li, hath other work in hand for me, You are in the Devils hand, and so agree. That's the reason I set thy teeth and edge thus, but thou knowest I promised to have about with thee at our last parlay, and I am come to perform my word, name the weapon. Then ward your lips well, or yowl would the first venney. I have no ward but this; my tender Sex Have not the manly skill to break a thrust: O how I dote on thee! I have tried ere now The sweaty Spaniard, and the carousing Dane, The foggy Dutchman, and the fiery French, The brisk Italian, and indeed what not: And yet of all and all, the Englishman Shall go for me: I yo'are the truest Lovers, The ab est, last night, and the truest men That breath beneath the Sun. Why then the Englishman for thy money, God a mercy little rogue, there's no love lost isle assure thee. I am my Ma sters Factor, and thou hast a Commodity that I must needs take up, and not en er't into his Cash-book neither. Little thinks my master in England, what beware I deal withal here in France: but since 'tis offered me at the best hand, isle venture on't though I be a looser by the bargain. Who would not be a Merchant venturer, and lay out for such a fair return; I shall venture the doubling of my years presently: I think I have met with a better Commodity then Matches, and my Master cannot say but he hath met with his match: this 'tis to have the Land & the Sea betwixt me & my ma ste, here can I keep my french Revels, and none say so much as black is mine eye, preach little pinckany bestow this Jewel a me. But if I could get his Jewel cleanly, and carry it him over at my return for a token, t'were a jest worth laughing at: but and thou wilt not give me this Jewel, prethe give me this same chain to were for thy sake. Why then this Ring. Then I say take, take this and this, still take heed of me least I show you a slippery trick for this, 'tis the kindest wench in Christendom, but sheele partly with nothing: Shall we have another wooing Room? Any then, I may chance to make you wish rather my room then, my company and you look not the better too't. Thou seest this Jewel well becomes mine ear, This Ring my signger, and this chain mine arm. With me, what is he? Do my sweet Buffamacke: some Carrier or base knave that hangs of my liberality: I hope 'tis not pure Time, come for the second partly of my benevolence: Admit him in that he may praise our fate, And see us in our choicest pomp and state. Zoons my Master. Chapmans beware sir. And he cannot occupy for his Master without the consent of his Mistress. That your worship is a Haberdasher of all wares. Tush fear not lads, for he knows none of you, Do but buff out a little broken French, And he'll never take you to be Englishmen. Nay Master I would it were but a money matter, A Cage, or whipping-post, or so, 'tis worse: What and old man to chide his Prentice hence, As if he had some private business, And then himself get close unto his wench; Nay whippping's all too good, had you found me so, There had been work enough, there had been news For England, and a whole twelve months chiding Of my good uncle. Nay sfoot Jack, hold on thy resolution: they say, that may happen in one hour that happens not again in 7. year, and I should chance to take her in the right vain, and she kind lie bestow her self upon me, why then there's a man made from nothing, for before God I have spent all and am not worth any thing, and indeed unless this same good old Lady Ramsie take some pity upon me & take me for better for worse, God knows in which of the two Counters I shall keep my next Christmas in, but by this hand if she will accept of me in this miserable estate that I am in now, for before God, I have neither money nor credit, as I am and honest man, and thats more I am feared, then any man will believe of me, isle forswear all women but her, & will not kiss any of my neighbours wives for a kingdom. heres the house, I'll knock at the door: what shall I doo't in the Cauellere humour, with whose within there Ho, or in the Puri taken humour, with by your leave good brother: faith in neither, for in the one I shall be taken for a swaggering knave, and in the other to be and hypocritical fool: but honest Jack in thine own honest humour plain dealing's a Jewel, and I have used it so long I am next door to a beggar. But Gods precious, what a plague make these here? these 2. are two of my Creditors, I must stop their mouths, fleet them from hence, or all the fats in the fire. I hope Gentlemen you will say so anon. But you are alone, are you not? A man hath reason to ask, being as I am, that never sees his Creditors, but is a feared of the Catchpole. But you are kind my friends, and I thank you, you will bear with me. How? why very easily, if I can compass it: The truth is, though you would little think it, I am a suitor for my L. Ramsey. Why that's true too; for if she were a Suitor to me, we should be man and wife straight & you should have your money within this half hour. But look, look where she comes: as you are goodmen mum, patience and pray for my proceedings: If I do speed as I am partly persuaded, you shall have your own with the advantage, if I should be crossed you know the worst, for bearance is no acquittance: but mum, if it prove a match & any of you should chance to be in the Counter, you know my mar riage being spread, my word will be currant, then mum. Faith Lady necessary business, & not to go far about the bush, I am come to be a Suitor unto you, & you know the fashion of young men when they come a wooing to ancient widows, the way to speed is to begin thus. I shall have her sure: why isle tell you Sir, my Lady here is a comely, ancient, rich widow, & I am a honest, proper, poor young man, remembering still I am a Gentleman, now what good her riches may do to her poverty, your gravity may guess: save a soul perhaps M. Dean, look you sir, it is but giving my hand into hers, and hers into mine: M. Dean, I protest before God she hath my heart already, and with some three or four words which I know you have by rote, make us two my Lady and I, one till death us depart. Love you Madam love you by this hand: I shall have her sure, friends you see how the business goes forward, bring me your bills to morrow morning or upon the hope that I have, you may leave them with me, I shall be able to discharge; Would, would, Jack. Maintain, what needest thou ask that question? Foot thou hast maintenance enough for thee and I too. If I should marry you? Friends, you see how it goes now, to mor row within and hour after I am married, I must take the upper hand of my Uncle, and the next Sunday I that was scarce worthy to fit in the Belferie, the Churchwardens fetch me, and seat me in the Chancel. And one of your husbands Livery Gowns, so now you trouble your self so much, that gold is to contract us with all: a simple morning: Friends, you cannot Beatrice me down with your bills. M. Dean of Poule's I pray you stay and dine with me you shall not say me nay, the oftener you come, the more well come. I thank God, and all the world may see I have no other That I am likely to be so well bestowed. I by my Torth Mall will I, wear it as deep as a well. Foot will you not have me then? See how a man may be deceived: I thought I should have been sure by this time well, though I shall not have you, I shall have this with a good will. Friends, Ploydens Proverb, The Case is altered and by my troth I have learned you a Lesson, Forbearance is no Acquit tance. Faith Madam, men that have my hand, though not for my honesty, yet for the money that I owe them. That's said Like a kind wench, And though we never meet again, We will have one Buss more at parting: And now I faith I have all my wild oats sown, And if I can grow rich by the help of this, I'll say I rose by Lady Ramsies kiss. Of your own bringing up sir. Your Worship must have such as the Country yields, or none at all. But I pray you sir, what's our trade? And that the worst trade in all Christendom, and espe cially for French women: If they know a man to be a Haberda sher of small beware, thee'le have no dealing with him, and there before and you will have any good Commodities here, you must change your copy, you never were a traveller: and therefore you know not what belongs too't; but you do clean mistake this Gentlewoman, and you take her for a light wench, weigh her in equal balance, and you shall find her no such woman, no such woman I'll assure you. Before God sir, I would not have you wrong the Gentle woman's repute, for a world. This Metressa deals for herself and hath many sorts of beware at command, I was now bargai ning with her about a certain Country Commodity, and had not your continued ̄ ming marred the Match, one had gone through for't. And further should you wrong the Ladies reputation here in France, I'll assure you they have the law of their sides, but to confirm your good opinion of her, this is she of whom I took up your Commodity of Matches; be sorry for your offence, and excuse you to her for shame master. Well sir, In hope of amendment, I am content, and yet I'll entreat for you. Marry sir they say, if you will walk with them to their lodgings, for my sake they invite you to dinner. Hard by, for why do you ask? See how fortunately all things chance, if it happen as I hope it will, she taking a liking to me, here is a Priest to marry us presently Madam. You would say so Lady if you knew how forward I would be: but Madam you are rich, and by my Troth I am very poor, and I have been as a man should say stark nought: but he goes far that never turns, and if now I have a desire to mend & be king in so good a way, you know how uncharitable it were in you to put me out of it, you may make and honest man of me, if it, please you, and when thou hast made me one, by my Troth Mall I'll keep my self, for I am a Gentle man both by the fa the side and mother's side, and though I have not the muck of the world I have a great deal of good Love, and I prithee ac cept of it. Honesty! who the pox gave thee that name? (his Yeoman. But thou must do and office for my Uncle: Hear Quick, run thou before and enter the Actium, Ther's money, and Actium of and hundred pound Against Timothy Thin-beard, M. Greshams Factor, I hope I shall teach you to dog me. Not within the liberty: but I hope the suburbs tolerates any man or woman to occupy for themselves, they may doo't in the City too, and they be naturalized once. Nor she of English, but al's one; upon her Master, and what you cannot do in words, perform in dumb signs: What in your slippers come to take me napping! I'll give you what you come for instantly, And on the sudden make you so aghast, You will be glad to pardon what is passed. Be patient I beseech you Gentlemen, Though you be officers, appointed here To search suspected places, as this is A most notorious filthy bawdy house, And carry all old rusty Fornicators Above the age of fifty unto prison, Yet know, this is and honest Gentleman. To prison? nay to whipping, I am sorry, And to my power I will entreat for you: Fie Master, fie. No by my troth Master, such as in the Garden-allies, Joane's as good as this French Lady. Yes by my faith sir, I confess both. She hath, and at a reasonable reckoning. Marry may you sir, and I'll send news to your wife of your The cause of your continued ̄ ming to France shall be known, (dealing: And what second hand commodities you took up Since your coming, my mistress in England shall know What utterance you have for your small wates in France: Pen and ink, I'll set it down in black and white, Hearty commendations—understand—reverend master Hobson found with a whore in Roan,— place, a common bawdy house,—must be whipped. Do Mall, prithee do not think it so, be chosen one of the common counsel, or one of the Master's of the Hospital, so perhaps I shall never become it, marry if I should be chosen one of the Masters of Bridewell, for some of my old acquain tance; fut, I would take it upon me, vice must be corrected, vice must be corrected. Thank you good Uncle, yowl send me into France, all Forboone: and I do not show you the right trick of a Cousin afore I leave England, isle give you leave to call me Cut, and continued sen me of my patrimony as you have done. I thought there was the fruit of your Puritane patience ence, come let's along, and if I do not show your religion a trick shall be scarce digested with pepins or cheese, let me be called Cut, Come along. I, Porters may; but you, that are sustantiall honest Cit tizens, there is no fear to be made of your breaking, you know there's no man solow but God can raise him; and though I am now out at heals, or so as you think, I am in the way of pre ferment, & hope to be able to pay every man within this hour. In witness whereof, all these honest gentlemen ey-witnesses, have set to their hands, nay my mistress shall know't, that's flat: are there not Wenches enough in England, but you must walk over sea in your slippers, and venture (being not shod) to come into France a wenching, what and old man too! she shall know what a slippery trick you would have served her in your slippers in France. You have had none yet,—whipped about the town.