FRISCO

Here's a calling indeed; a man were better to live a Lords life and do nothing, then a Serving creature, and never be idle. O Master, what a mess of Brewesse stands now upon the point of spoiling by your hasti ness; why they were able to have God a good Stomach with child even with the sighed of them; and for a Vapour, o precious Vapour, let but a Wench come near them with a Painted face, and you should see the Paint drop and curdle on her Cheeks, Like a piece of dry Essex Cheese toasted at the fire. What, must I bring one that can speak Langua ges? what and old Ass is my Master; why he may speak flaunt taunt as well as French, for I cannot understand him. O, I have it now, for I remember my great Grandfathers Grandmothers sisters cousin told me, that Pigs and Frenchmen, speak one Language, awee awee ; I am Dog at this: But what must he speak else? Let's hear it? Nay I must have my mouth full of Meat first, and then you shall hear me grumble it forth full mouth, as Hance Butterkin slowpin frokin: No, I am a simple Dutch man: Well, I'll about it. More Languages? I trust he shall have Tongues enough for one mouth: But what is the third? Marry by these three points; a Wanton Eye. Pride in his Apparel, and the Devil in his Countenance. Well, God keep me from the Devil in seeking this Frenchman : But do you hear me Master, what shall my fell low Anthony do, it seems he shall serve for nothing but to put Latin into my young Mistress's. Marry sir, I am seeking a Needle in a Bottle of Hay, a Monster in the likeness of a Man: one that in stead of good morrow, asks what Porrage you have to Din ner, Parley vous signiour ? one that never washes his fingers, but licks them clean with kisses; a clipper of the Kings English: and to conclude, and eternal enemy to all good Language. Ah sirrah, now I know, what manner of thing Powles is; I did so marl afore what it was out of all count: For my master would say, Would I had Powles full of Gold. My young Mistress's, and Grimkin our Taylor, would wish they had Powles full of Needles: I, one asked my master half a yard of Freeze to make me a Coat and he cried whoop holiday, it was big enough to make Powles a Nightgown. I have been told, that Duke Hum fry dwells here, and that he keeps open house, and that a brave sort of Cammileres dine with him every day; now if I could see any vision in the world towards dinner, I would set in a foot: But the best is, a the ancient Eng lish Roman Orator says, So-lame-men, Misers, Howsewiues, and so forth: the best is, that I have great store of compa nigh that do nothing but go up and down, and go up and down, and make a grumbling together, that the meat is so long making ready: Well, if I could meet this scurvy Frenchman, they should stay me, for I would be gone home. What would you have? What should I give you? They say, a word to the Wise is enough: so by this little French that he speaks, I see he is the very man I seek for: Sir, I pray what is your name? I understand him partly; yea, and partly nay: Can you speak French? Content poor vous monsieur Madomo. Nay, I can speak more Languages then that: This is Italian, is it not? Nella slurde Curtain zana. I believe you well now for Dutch: Ducky de do watt heb ye ge brought. God-gee god-morrow sir, I have brought you M. Mouse here to teach my young Mistress's: I assure you (forsooth) he is a brave Frenchman. Hear you M. Mouse, did you dine to day at Pauls with the rest of the Gentlemen there? Me thinks you should have a reasonable good stomach then by this time, as for me I can fell nothing within me from my mouth to my Codpiece but all Em ptie, wherefore I think a piece of wisdom to go in and see what Maudelin hath provided for our Dinner master Mouse will you go in? Let's pass in then About a little tiny business. Indeed I was not sent to you: and yet I was sent after the three Gen-men that dined here, to bid them come to our house at ten a clock at night, when you were abed. So they said, unless their minds be changed since: for a Woman is Like a Weathercock they say, & I am sure of no more then I am certain of: but I'll go in and bid them send you word, whither they shall come or no. Altogether: Lord that such a young man as you should have no more wit: why if they should come toga there, one could not make room for them; but coming one by one, theyle stand there if there were twenty of them. O monstrous, who would think my Master had so much wit in his old rotten budget: and yet yfayth he is not much troubled with it neither. Why what wise man in a kingdom would send me for the Dutchman? Does he think I'll not cousin him: O fine, I'll have the bravest sport: O brave, I'll have the gallentest sport: O come; now if I can hold behind, while I may laugh a while, I care not: Would, would, would. Laugh M. Mouse : Laugh, would, would, would. O master Mouse, master Mouse, it would make any Mouse, Rat, Cat, or Dog, laugh to think, what sport we shall have at our house soon at night: I'll tell you, all, my young Mistress's sent me after M. Heigham and his friends, to pray them come to our house after my old Master was a bed: Now I went, and I went; and I run, and I went: and whom should I meet, but my Master and M. Pisaro and the Strangers; so my Master very wor shipfully (I must needs say) examined me whither I went now? I durst not tell him and untruth, for fear of lying, but told him plainly and honestly mine errand: Now who would think my Master had such a monstrous plaguy wit, he was as glad as could be; out of all scotch and notch glad, out of all count glad? and so firra he bid the three Vplandish-men come in their steads and woe my young Mistress's: Now it made me so laugh to think how they will be cousend, that I could not follow my Mai ster: But I'll follow him, I know he is gone to the Tavern in his merry humour: Now if you will keep this as secret as I have done hitherto, we shall have the bravest sport soon, as can be. I must be gone, say nothing. Here sir, here sir, now if I could cousin him, take heed sir hers a post. Be you so hot sir, let me carry your Cloak, I assure you it will ease you much. I, so so: now you may travel in your Hose and Doublet: now look I as Like the Dutchman, as if I were spit out of his mouth: I'll straight home, & speak groote and brood, and toot and gibrish; and in the dark I'll have a fling at the Wenches. Well, I say no more; farewell M. Mendall, I must go seek my fortune. Whose there, why sir here is: Nay thats too good English ; Why here be de growtte Dutchman. What be yoo, yoo be and English Ox to call a gen tle moan Ass. But yoo, and yoo be Master Mouse that dwell here, tell your matressa Laurentia datt her sweet heart Master Vandal would speak with horde, Gods sacaren watt is the luck now. Shall not I come to my friend master Pisar Hoose? Why my grout friend, M. Pisaro does dwell here. Go seek M. Pisaros House; Where shall I go seek it? That is here in Crodched-friers. Ah, ah, How is this? Is not this Croched-friers? Tell me, I'll hold a Crown they gave me so much Wine at the Tavern, that I am drunk, and know not out. Nay 'tis so, I am sure drunk: Soft let me see, what was I about? O now I have it, I must go to my Masters house and counterfeit the Dutchman, and get my young Mistress: well, and I must turn on my left hand, for I have forgotten the way quite and clean: Fare de well good friend, I am a simple Dutchman I. O miserable Black-pudding, if I can tell which is the way to my Masters house, I am a Red-herring, and no honest Gentleman. How's this? For my life here are the Strangers: O that I had the Dutchmans Hose, that I might creep into the Pockets; they'le all three fallen upon me & Beatrice me. O brave; it's no body but M. Pharoo and the Frenchman going to our House, on my life: well, I'll have some sport with them, if the Watch hinder me not. Who goes there? Why sir, I can tell where I am; I am in Tower-street: Where a Devil be you? In Leaden-hall ? I trow I shall meet with you a none: in Leaden-hall ? What a simple Ass is this Frenchman. Some more of this: Where are you sir? This is excellent ynfayth, as fit as a Fiddle: I in Tower-street, you in Leaden-hall, and the third in Fanchurch-streete ; and yet all three hear one another, and all three speak together: either we must be all three in Leaden-hall, or all three in Tower-street, or all three in Fanchurch-streete ; or all three Fools. And monsiur Pharo, I shall led you such a jaunt, that you shall scarce give me thanks for. Come sirrs follow me: now for a dirty Puddle, the pissing Condit, or a great Post, that might turn these two from Asses to Oxen by knocking their Horns to their Foreheads. Even where you will signor, for I know not: Soft I smell: O pure Nose. I have the scent of London-stone as full in my nose, as Abchurch-lane of mother Walls Pasties: Sirrs feel a bout, I smell London-stone. Soft let me see; feel I should say, for I cannot see: O lads pray for my life, for we are almost at Croched-friers. This Post; why 'tis the Maypole on Iuie-bridge going to Westminster. Why on your Legs fools, how should you go? Soft, here's and other: O now I know in deed where I am; we are now at the farthest end of Shoredich, for this is the Maypole. You say true sir, for I am afeard your French spirt is up so far already, that you brought me this way, because you would find a Charm for it at the Blue Boar in the Spittle: But soft, who comes here? Yes marry shall I sir. I pray honest Fellow, in what Street be we? The same, the same: Hark ye honesty, me thinks you might do well to have and M. under your Girdle, considering how Signor Pifaro, and this other Monsieur do hold of me. I sir, a good Fellow may sometime be overseen among Friends; I was drinking with my Master and these Gentlemen, and therefore no marvel though I be none of the wisest at this present: But I pray thee Good man Buttericke, bring me to my Masters House. Goodman Buttericke will you walk afore: Come honest Friends, will ye go to our House? Where are we now gaffer Buttericke? Farewell Buttericke, what a Clown it is: Come on my masters merrily, I'll knock at the door. Forsooth he is not here: Master Mendall you mean, do you not? I M. Mendall ; why forsooth I was at his Cham ber, and we were coming hitherward, and he was very hight, and bade me carry his Cloak; and I no sooner had it, but he (being very light) sirkes me down on the left hand, and I turned down on the left hand, and so lost him. No sir, we never saw one another since. No forsooth we turned both on the left hand. Alas, alas, I cannot tell forsooth, it was so dark I could not see, on which hand we turned: But I am sure we turned one way. Look, look, look; there's one in it, he peeps out: Is there never a Stone here to hurl at his Nose. Look, he peeps out again: O it's M. Mend all, it's M. Mendall : how God he up thither? He looks Like the sign of the Mouth without Bishops gate, gaping, and a great Face, and a great Head, and no Body. Cut the Rope. Cut him down master Mouse, cut him down And let's see, how he'll tumble. M. Mendall, you are welcome out of the Basket: I smell a Rat it was not for nothing, that you lost me. Favu, no forsooth; I'll tell you how it was: when we come from Bucklers-bury into Corn-Wale, and I had taken the Cloak, then you should have turned down on your left hand and so have gone right forward, and so turned up again, and so have crossed the street; and you Like and Ass. Why so I did sir. She is come ynfayth. Mistress Sushaunce, Mistress Moors daughter. Hang him, if he keep out a Wench: If the Wench keep not out him, so it is. I have stood still all this while, and could not speak for laughing: Lord what a Dialogue hath there been between Age and Youth. You do good on her? even as much as my Dutchman will do on my young Mistress: Master, follow my counsel; then send for M. Heigham to help him, for I'll lay my Cap to two Pence, that he will be asleep to morrow at night, when he should go to bed to her: Marry for the Italian, he is of and other humour, for there le be no dealings with him, till midnight; for he must slaver all the Wenches in the house at parting, or he is no body: he hath been but a little while at our House, yet in that small time, he hath licked more Grease from our Mawdlins lips, then would have served London Kitchen-stuff this twelvemonth. Yet for my money, well fare the Frenchman, O he is a forward Lad, for heel no sooner come from the Church, but heel fly to the Chamber; why heel read his Lesson so often in the day time, that at night Like and apt Scholar, heel be ready to fell his old Book to buy him a new. O the generation of Languages that our House will bring forth: why every Bed will have a proper speech to himself, and have the Founders name written upon it in fair Capital letters, Here lay, and so forth. Nay by the Mass, you are M. Porter, for I'll be hanged if you lose that office, having so pretty a morsel under your keeping: I go (old huddle) for the best Nose at smelling out a Pinfold, that I know: well, take heed, you may haps pick up Worms so long, that at length some of them get into your Nose, and never out after: But what and Ass am I to think so, considering all the Lodge inges are taken up already, and there's not a Dog-kennell empty for a strange Worm to breed in. Nay say he's sick, therefore though he be come, yet he can do you no good; there's no remedy but even to put your self into the hands of the Italian, that by that time that he hath passed his grouth, young Harvey will be in case to come upon it with a size of fresh force. This is excellent, this is as fine as a Fiddle: you M. Heigham God the Wench in Mowches apparel; now let Mowche put on her apparel, and be married to the Dutch man: How think you, is it not a good vize? What say I? Marry I say, if she lay not here, there was a familiar in her likeness; for I am sure my Mai ster and she were so familiar together, that he had almost shot the Gout out of his Toes ends, to make the Wench believe he had one trick of youth in him. Yet now I re member me she did not lie here; and the reason is, be cause she does lie here, and is now abed with mistress Mathea ; witness whereof, I have set to my Hand & Seal, and mean presently to fetch her. She comes, she comes: a Hall, a Hall. O this is nothing, for I can speak perfect Dutch when I list. Why that is the easiest of all, for I can tell whither he have any Italian in him even by looking on him. Whither am I going, how shall I tell you, when I do not know my self, nor understand my self? Do not you smell me? Well, I perceive that wit does not always dwell in a Satten-dublet: why, 'tis a French man, Bassimon cue, how do you? Nay faith, I would do nothing with him, un less I set him to teach Parrots to speak: marry the old Ass my Master, would have him to teach his Daughters, though I trust the whole world sees, that there be such in his house that can serve his Daughters turn, as well as the proudest Frenchman : but if you be good lads, tell me where I may find such a man? Lord, Lord, how shall poor Phrisco reward your rich tidings Gentlemen: I am yours till Shrouetew esday, for then change I my Copy, & look Like nothing but Red-Herring Cobbes, and Stockfish; yet I'll do somewhat for you in the mean time: my Master is a broad, and my young Mistress's at home: if you can do any good on them before the Frenchman corn, why so? Ah Gentlemen, do not suffer a litter of Languages to spring up amongst us: I must to the Walk in Pauls, you to the Vestry. Gentlemen, as to my self, and so forth. Why then M. Mouse, to their use, I entertain ye, which had not been but for the troubles of the world, that I my self have no leisure to show my skill: Well sir, if yowl please to walk with me, I'll bring you to them. Ho, ho, ho; do you give the Gentleman the lie? Well, passing over superfluicall talk, I pray what Street is this; for it is so dark, I know not where I am? Ah no, we went clean contrary one from another. Hoyda, hoyda, a Basket: it turns, hoe. Indeed sir there was three faults, the Night was dark, Master Mendall drunk, and I sleepy, that we could not tell very well, which way we went. Would sirrah, I have left my fat Dutchman, and run my self almost out of breath too: now to my young miss tresses go I, some body cast and old shoe after me: but soft, how shall I do to counterfeit the Dutchman, be cause I speak English so Like a natural; Tush, take you no thought for that, let me alone for Squintum squantum : soft, hers my Masters house, Nay I think you have not met with no pezant: Hear you M. Mouse, (so your name is I take it) I have considered of your learning in these aforesaid Languages, and find you reasonable: So, so, now this is the matter; Can you take the ease to teach these Tongues to two or three Gentlewomen of mine acquaintance, and I will see you paid for your labour. O Master, hang your self: nay never stay for a Sessions: Master Vandalle confess your self, desire the people to pray for you; for your Bride she is gone: Lau rentia is run away. How to Croched-friers ? I, I sir, passing well if you will follow me.