URINAL

Are you the Doctor Artless pray sir? Sir, I am sent from Mr. Mixum, your Apothecary, to give attendance on you. you take my name by the right end sir, my father was a brother of master Mixum's function: marry my mother told me a Doctor God me, for professions sake I hope you'll use me kindly. A good subsidy face mistress, but master Mixum has cer tified me, that hither come Ladies and gentlewomen, City wives and country wives, and the better sort of Sailors wives: Nay wives of all sorts, but Oyster wives, some to have the fall ling sickness cured, others the inflammation of the blood, the Consumption of the body and lungs; if I do not to any man or woman administer a glister, vomit, potion, Julip, Cordial, or what physic your worship shall think fit, with dexterity, say I am no found Urinal, and Beatrice me to pieces. Oh yes sir, he had me tell you he had a fat Goose in the pens, only for your pulling: a yunker of a thousand pound per annum. I saw him sir, he was a propenman: but I think has not much more wit then my self, he seems of a good ane dis position, and may I believe, be led by the nose as quietly as the tamest Bear in the garden: he has not wit enough to be a knave, nor manhood enough to be and honest man: this is my of him sir, when you see him you'll understand him better. Surely this gentleman comes to take a purge, he talks so eleanely. Shall I unne for the Bead less mistress? Yes sir, she lies in the yellow chamber, and has done this two months. Nay you may believe me if you will: I know neither Lady Yellow, nor yellow chamber, I have not been here above half and hour. Yes, I will attend her in and in too, to do her any service. The business sirrah, he's got into the Lordly phrase Already, Sir the gentleman I speak off? Of cozenage and lying excellently. I was in hight service certainly. Which makes him look so Like a smoked westphalia ham, or dry Dutch pudding. And the gentle noose had knit up him, and a hundred of his country men, our land would not be pestered so with butter boxes. I admire no man begs him for a fool, and gets it from him. And brought all Sects in thither. And excellent derivation for a Dutchman, Kickin-pot. They Beatrice them soundly then it seems. As long as his money lasts, that is It is my right and title to be termed so. I will steal nothing from you Mr. Sconce. 'Tis not to convey gold over, in hollow anchors, to pay your Countrymen soldiers; if it be, I'll hear no more of it. It he preferred me hither. The weapon salve I warrant. So I have herd indeed. My Master is very cautious in parting with it. No sir, this house belongs to us. 'Tis a lie sir, she is. I may choose whither I will or no though. Nay, that you shall not neither: what stand I here for? But sir, it's not the fashion of this liberal age, to employ a man of merit in a message without consideration: your Lawyers Clark will not acquaint his Master with a Clients cause, until his fist be soundly greased: Why may not I then use the privilege of my office? Sir, we Doctors men take aurum palpabile for Re storative: you are not unfurnished sir. Instantly, instantly, noble sir, Mr. Sconce pray bear this worthy gentleman company. You had best kiss her double Mr. Sconce. He looks Like a squirrel indeed: this way sir. Yes, and infallibly the cream of weapon salves, the simples which do concur to the composition of it, speak it most sublime stuff; 'tis the rich Antido e that scorns the steel, and bids the Iron be in peace with men, or rust: Aurelius Bom bastus, Paracelsus, was the first inventer of this admirable Un guent. The Devil he was as soon: and excellent Naturalist, & that was all upon my knowledge, Mr. Sconce; and 'tis thought my Mr. comes very near him in the secrets concerning bodies Physical, as Herbs, Roots, Plants vegetable and radical, out of whose quintessence, mixed with some hidden causes, he does ex tract this famous weapon salve, of which you now are Mr. He? a mere Digon a whee his salve, why it is Case baby to my Master's: I dare be sworn 'tis nothing but Metheg ling boiled to jelly, the blades of Leeks, mixed with a Welch Goats blood; then stamped, and strained through a piece of Bri tish Freeze, or one of the old laps of Merlins Jerkin. They are a rebellious nation that's certain. Not John a Stile, the Knight of the post is it? Is't possible Mr. Sconce? they have few sons of that condition. By this light a trifle, a mere trifle, the very scraping of our Galley-pots performs more monstrous wonders: there was a Puritane Mr. Sconce, who, cause he saw a Surplice in the Church, would needs hang himself in the Bell-ropes. Him my Mr. seeing, did for experience sake anoint the noose wherein his neck had been, and it recovered him. Nay sir I'll tell you a greater miracle: You herd of the great training last Summer master Sconce? I then Mr. Sconce there was at least threescore blown up with a basket of powder, thirty of their lives my Master saved. He dressed the smoke of the powder as it flew up Sir, and it healed them perfectly. Nay theré, are thousands of this kind: but now I think on it since, it did commit a villainous mischief. Yes, yes, it has done a most notorious one, sufficient to exauctorate its power, and almost annihilate the virtue of it. I could e'ne weep to tell yousir: 'tis supposed 'twill ne for recover the favour of gentlemen and City wits, they are quite out of conoeite with it. Why sir, it cured two Sergeants, and their yeomen. Who otherwise had drunk Mace-Ale with the Devil. There is the Lady you inquire for. Why look you sir, my master has Persuaded her as much as lay in him, and He has a tongue able to cousin the devil: but 'twill not do, She is too honest believe it, for your nephew Sir Martin, she His kept her chamber ever since she came, None but my self has seen her. His mouth opened Ime sure, sir the Dutch Gentleman. How many Lad ies in town are of that mind. Why sir Martin, how do you sir? not speak? now by my life, he looks Like a staggerell newly come to his Horns, flings his head just in that manner they do not touch the seeling, yet Sir Martin: in time they may be three and four at top, and serve to hang hats and cloaks on in the best knights hall in town. Oh Urinal, what a pitiful noate was there, that very found has almost cracked me to pieces: Sir Martin, good Sir Martin what ails you? or rather what ails your wife, that you hum and haw so after kissing her her breath is savoury, I dare be sworn she has neither eaten Onions nor drunk Aquam vitae. You should have kissed her as the Court fashion is, upon the cheek, but pray ir, why are you so jealous: yet cannot prove your Lady has a trick with her toe, or turns oftener then and ho nest woman (if she do) had not you better Like and old Stag, cast the cognisance of your order into the hedge, then Like a wanton Pricket, run f ll Butt at every one you meet, as who should say; take notice of my horns. I am ashamed of it so I am. And must you needs cry Cuckoo therefore. There are knights in town who know their Ladies to be Hens oth'game, and ive by treading, yet Like mettle Cocks they never hang the Gills for't, they are sure fair Gamesters use to pay the box well: especially at In, and In, (the Inns of Court Butlers would have had but a bade Christmas of it else) and what care they, so they can purchase plush, though their wives pay ith' hold for it. Monsters, they are men Sir Martin, such as you are; only they are velvet browd a little: but hear me Sir, if a man would venture fair offer to give a certain knowledge of your wives honesty. You would have and evil Angel of me, I'll tell you sir, my master intends privately this night to wed his daughter to the Dutch younker S once, the house will be atquiet, and your Lady left alone in her chamber, her sister Mistress Knoworth, be king to go to Church with them. Soft and fair Sir Martin, I will ith' evening steal you into the Ladies chamber when she's in bed, come to her, and in the dark, (thats the only time to deal with a woman) (and as another man) try what you can do with her: if she consent (the worst) you do but cuckold your self, if hold out, being a woman alone, in bed, and in the dark having a man standing by her, you may then conclude her and honest wife, and your jealou sie foolish, as your vexation needless, you think I have no wit now I warrant. Why law you then, who's the fooole now? Sir Martin come in the evening, I will not fail you. well knight, if I do not fit your jealous head, let me be sung in ballads for and erranter coxcomb then your self. How do you Mistress Dal. alas poor gentlewoman, would they have thee covered with a Frisland horse, a Dutch Stal lion: now shame upon their souls that wish it, he's neighing here already. Of a most absolute coxcomb, I shall provide them sir. Now if you do not catch a Roach in her troubled waters, I shall conclude you a gudgeon: speak to her; a woman has e for a hold open to receive a men tale, believe it you shall have my assistance, and if I do not second you confidently, may my tongue be cramped, my wit breeched; and the machina of my in vention ruined perpetually. Pish you are long to speed, be Short and quick, that pleases Ladies. Did I not tell you she would come about? Strike home, and sure the iron's hight already, Now the curse of a tedious virginity light on you, you will not be tupped by a Dutch Ram, a Hausen Kender, a West-fally Bore-pig, now the iniquity of a swagbellied Hollands Burghers get thee with child of a dropsy, if thou marriest him, why how now Master Popingay, stroken with a Planet? 'tis a fe male Star, as changeable as the Moon, go to your chamber, I hear company approaching, this Dutch Butter-Firkin shall be melted to grease ere he shall have her, trust to it. So here comes my blades, now plot but hit, And Urinal shall be stiled the Lord of wit. They will be loud enough by and by, I warrant you. What haste this gull makes to cheat himself in private, must the music enter? Take heed you'll crush me sir to pieces. Gentlemen yonder are the Constables at the door to apprehend Captain Fortress. There is no way but one sir, they have beset the house; my Master is persuading them. Follow me, I'll by a back way set you safely out with your company. No matter for that, he protested he would be married in a Tavern ere that pencridge, there's no drink never it; but at the Pinder of Wakefield, and thats abomi able, and he has vowed to season their bargain with a cup of Sack ere they return. There is another loving couple gone with them too for company, who will be man and wife if the Priest say Amen to it. Oh yes sir, 'tis Master Lovering, the attendant to Ma ster Know rth, and Sir Niece that came but yester day. Too well I fear sir, they would not have married in such post haste else. I'll lock them up, and keep the keys my self sir, Mrs. Mixum your husband is with them, and in his absence I would desire a word with you. So now have at her. Mrs. there is a gentleman without, this knocked for en trance as if he had been a Constable, his business is with you, and his name Free it; I told him you were in bed and he swore he would come to you through the door, shall I admit him? There is enough of him, unless he made less noise. I'll send him to you. They are entered, sir, I herd Mr. Mix. say as I let them in, that they were married. I know you and your ways. Go to, be patient, then give this gentleman your daughter; nay be friends, and love him too, or all shall out. But I shall discover you and your practises, nay to the Justice, This gentleman is the same Sir Martin brought hither as his Niece. But the great one is still behind: if you will be friends quickly with them, so; if not, your impostures all come out. Mris. you know the Gent. He is scatoe sober yet I think. Oh stay your patience good Mr. Sconce. You may see Sir what comes of your jealousy, but fear not Sir, your wife will pard on it, there's no harm done. I Madam, I; under pretence to have attempted his wife, but I sent him in to Mrs. Mixum, who I knew would fit his turn. No sir I saved you from being cozened, my sister shall have some portion, here's a hundred pieces in this pu e. It, is indeed Sir, I God it from your 'Twibill brother's, and this your watch too, and your clothes which Mr. Popingay wears, by locking them into a room, and threatening punishment, if they de nied, the blades shall now resume freedom this key will let them out, come forth gentlemen, he e is your brother Master Sconce. You have reasons sir to do so, your daughter had more wit then you expected, 'tis the quality of maids, to deny what they desire: had you but seen how nimbly she trod over the threshold; you would have sworn she had been mad of the match: I stood and herd him ask her: shall we go to the Church not too late oo late to do well replied she again: (though it were at midnight) and then the Dutch you took her up into a (what do you call it) (and heaven speed) away they went, marry to what Church, he's gone I know not, only I herd him swear he would not at Pencridge. So it appears by the story Mrs. I am glad sir you put my sister in this disgu see, she has God a good husband by the shift, take your wife sir, she is no worse a woman then my own sister. I scaree dare answer Sir, for fear you hate it likewise, It such another mischief. And the three Scuirrels in the town; I warrant a very Sanctuary to it. You would scarce say so, knew you as much as I do.