SCONCE

Amon Devi, this is the Doctor: Foutra I would feign speak to him, Sir I should be happy to initiate my knowledge in your acquaintance Master Mixum and Apothecary, at whose shop I use to eat Eringo Roots, did recommend me to you. Fame does divulge you to be a man experienced in the Arts. Which does concern our bodily health. Neen up mine eale min here: ick neat, infection vanish I never was subject to disease, but the gentile itch which I ob taind in the Low Countries. I shall explain my self by land shape a far off, my father was a Dutch man. And one in the conspiracy with Barnevet, at whose hanging he fled over hither. Thinking to have purchased a monopoly for Tobacco: but that the Vintners took in snuff, and informed the gallants, who had Like to smoked him for't. Afterwards he undertook to have drained the Fens, and there was drowned, and at the ducking time at Crowland drawn up in a net for a widgin. He was no Jew Sir, yet he would take pawns, and their forfeits too, and has left me such as you see, I am a proper man: a trifling patrimony, a thousand pounds perannum. And took their surname from Kickin pot, the strongest Sconce in the Netherlands. I had a good strong cousin taken in by the enemy, last summer, Skinks Sconce Mr. Doctor, my cozen germane once re moved by a stratagem of hay boats a fire on them. But 'tis thought our nation had recovered it ere this, but that the villainous Dunkerkers at sea met with the Herrinbus ses and made Stockfish of them. Not any that I know of, as I am gentleman, nor was there any of my name till of late, that gallants have begotten me name sakes in every Tavern. A household matter Mr. Doctor; I would be loath to be accounted troublesome, I should be none of your vulgar guests though: Mixum has informed me you have fair lodgings in your house, convenient for ease and pleasure, might I be so much en gaged to your goodness, as to afford me a handsome one for my money, it should be and end earement conspicuously trenching upon my gratitude, and render me your obliged servant ever lastingly. Come hither my sweet Rascal, canst keep council, there's gold for thee, thou shalt have a new case sirrah, wilt thou be true to me? Thou lookest not Like a man of theft, I mean in a design. Pish, not that neither. Mixum thou knowest him, dost not? I did imagin't; my fine Urinal reports thy Mr. to have the rarest salve. Which would, if I were desperately hurt, cure me without a Surgeons help. Now Urinal, it is our Country Custom only to Stick or Snee. But couldst thou but procure this precious salve, I would confront the glistering steel, outface the sharpest weapon. Nay, and he shall choose sir. Now in the name of madness what this man? Sir are you jealous of your wife before you have her? She may chance Cuckold you after you have her for it. Coxcomb? how Coxcomb to a naturallis'd Dutch man? Death sir, shall I blow you down with my Can; or show you Twibill. Nay, be not angry man, I meant no harm, 'tis but a compliment all salutation, I purchased of the Mr. of the Order oth' valiant Knights of the Twibill. Beggars are no choosers my friend: she shall Undergo no contradiction: but Madam, 'tis the fashion As I tak't, to salute at meeting, and kiss at parting. Lady, serviture vostre & a vous assi Monsieur tresnoble. BUt are you certain Urinal this ointment is Ortho doxall; may I without error in my faith believe this same the weapon salve Authentical? He was my Countryman, and held and Errant Conjurer. There's a Welch Doctor ith' City reported skilful in compounding it. Probable Urinal. That Welch Doctor I do not Like: I did attempt him for the weapon salve, and Like a Turk he and swer'd me, that Hollanders were Jews. And that the salve was only made for Christians; there is a City Captain too; I know not how you style him. No, no, a very honest gentleman; but he's , reported to have achieved the salve in Lapland among the witches, and to be very liberal in imparting it to his friends, and Alderman's daughter Urinal may, and they say a witty gentlewoman. Had a desperate hold made in her by a gentleman, with his But-shaft, as in her Country garden he was shooting at Penny prick; was, when none else could do it, eured by this Captain. Why did not the Sexton ring him by the ears for it? Is't possible he should so easily escape a hanging! but on good Urinal. Oh when the whole: City went in Arms to take in Is lington; marry I herd the Alewives curse the report of their Muskets, it made their Pies and Custards quake ith'Oven, and so come out dow-back't, whìch almost broke the poor Harlots. Rarer, and rarer yet: But how good Urinal? Oh that any body would blow me up, to see how I could eure my self. Still on good Urinal. Could it ever do a mischief Urinal? What was't good Urinal? But why should they be so Urinal? Prithee what? nay on my gentility Urinal. How? two Sergeants. A Capital crime that same, to cure two Sergeants. There was a touch for him indeed Urinal. Mr. Doctor I saw you not before: I am sorry sir, you will be gone so soon, I should have changed some syllables with you. Lady, my manners does command me leave you: you would perchance be private by your selves, or peradventure V rinall were more behooveful for your company: then I adieu Vfroes. You shall feel that presently [kisses her] there was a touch for you: Nay Mrs. Artless you shall not blame my manners, I have a lip, a piece for you [kisses her] and there was a touch for you Lady. A very strong touch that same; she will beleaguer me I think, and her Cannon shot will be kisses, they almost blow me over. Surely the Minikin is enamoured on me. Yes, yes, I know that well enough, I might serve for a gentleman Usher, were my legs small enough: there are Ladies would consume half the revenues of their Lords, on such a man of Chine and pith as I am. I'll lay my life this muskmelon has a mind to use me so: I care not much to give her a touch, or so, she's of the right size, but Mistress Artless should I have your good will, if I could love your daughter. A touch, by this light, that's the reason there are so many bastards in the city. Adieu min vroen, I have a pestilent mind to this talking harlotry, I will to her, but if I should obtain the Neapolitan be neach, a creek ith'backe, or so, from her, 'twould be but a sour vy touch, that for me, I should be forced to swim ith tub for it, or be hanged by the arms, and smoked Like a bloat herring, I had forgotten my precious salve, should I be served so, 'twere but dres sing the weapon that hurt me (which I can have at any time) and be found again, would other donsella's: Madams, they are crea tures of Plush, and Satin, I'll accost them. It shall be so, my English is not complete enough To hold discourse with Ladies of regard, my natural Dutch too is a Clownish speech, and only fit to court A leagurer in: no your French shall do it, and thank My memory, I am perfest in it, 'tis your most Accomplished language, there's scarce a gallant but does woe His mistress in the mood, but if they should Not understand me: well I will experce Me it. Madametres puissant en lecommand. de touts ceurs de cest monde, j que sui semond & invite en tant de lieux que j ne scay u aller pour abrir mon sayen: a un beauty digne de mon acceptance. Suivant vostre treschier virtue, J sui si liberal Que j abadonnerenie & renounce a tout miss biens Demon vid mon Engine mon alayne mon sang & mon Pensir (pour j ne saurioye, que dire) proueior mon Ceur mon affection tout a vostre plaiseur. Si ié ne vous faith tratement t'el que A vons appartient, j espere que vostre Noblez to contera de mon bon intention. Sily'a chosen en mon petit povoir en quoi j vous puisse Servir & aider commands moi librement. Per dona mi Madam apre's le's leures le main. You think you have hurt me wonderfully I warrant. Give me thy hand, 'tis but a touch ith arm man, thou art a valiant fellow, I warrant thee a right twibiller, run a tilt at a man before his weapon is drawn, your, Lady would not have don't I me sure, but 'tis no matter, thou hast done me a courtesy, or otherwise I should not take't so patiently, (I shall by this means experience my precious weapon salve) hold, thou wilt fight no more, there's a twibill for thee, thy sword I'll keep till we next meet, Ladies beso los doights de vostre blanch mains, a diew comrade remember I am beholding to thee. SO, now it works: the operation I believe is not on the sudden, and my wound rankles as fast as if he had run his Rapier through a Head of Garlic, or washed it in Aquam fortis; and this weapon salve, so much extolled byth' Twi ball Knights, commended by Mixum, deified by Urinal, and adored by my believing self, procures no more miraculous ef fect, than if it were unguentum album. Well, I am confident yet, there's no defect ith' guent; my blood, my blood is sure anathemated; carries some cursed impediment about it, that disannuls the virtue and incomparable force of the divine S lve. This Dutch blood of mine, guilty of Bacon grease, and potted Butter—Sof, who are these? my Cozen Fortress, General of the Twiball Knights; and his assistant Pirke, with Mr. Mix um; it a detriment to valour to complain before them. Thanks good Mr. Mixum, Cousin Fortress, and my Diminutive Captain Pirke; give your hands, you are welcome, very welcome. No, no, a touch, a mere touch, a Fleabite, Captain Pirke. Yes, as good as whole; the weapon salve will reme die it. I am very glad of it. But tell me Cousin Fortress, how fares it with the residue of the blades, the valiant Twiball Knights, the famous brothers, do they walk in Coat gelded, or all a mode in Dunkirk Cloaks? Are they confined to Chamber still, for want of Boots, or Linen? I love to hear of their prosperities. 'Tshall be done after my wedding Cousin I have God, dost hear, sirrah Pirke a girl of mettle, the Doctors daughter Bully, Fortress. Flesh of Milk and Roses Blade. Say you so Cousin? Patience, good Captain Pirke, I would feign hear them. You have given the Captain too bold a touch Senior Pirke; thou art just Like the Mouse to the Elephant, born to vex him p ethee for my sake let him read them. Good Captain Pirke, on cousin Fortress. Twould be a hight touch for them cousin Fortress. But have you concluded nothing for the sisters, I long to hear them? They will do that if you would hang them cousin. You will not have them Like the Jews at Room wear party coloured garments, to be known from Christians? But Cousin is this edict generally confirmed by all the soci ety of the Twibillers Knights and Ladies. Im rimis, I Captain Furibundo Fortress. Knight great master of the order of Twibill: Lord of no Cloak, Viscount Ratan, cane and one spur. Count Freeze, grey Felt, and money-lack, Duke of Turn bull, Bloomesbury, and Rotten Row, Lord paramount of all Garden-alleys, Gun Alley, and Rosemary Lane. Chief commander of all Twibills, dangerfeild and whis kins, who will quarrel in Taverns with a man, and not fight in the field with a mouse. And of the residue of the fraternities of husses, diverse dammes and decoys, sole sultan and grand sig neur, have to the premises set my mighty hand, together with hands of our trusty and our courageous assistants (this blank's for you Captain Pike) Holafernes Makeshift, Rosiran Knock down, and twenty six more of our principal companions of the order. To which at our command also are subsigned our most ill lustrious and remarkable sisters (they are slit nosed perhaps) (there was a touch for them cousin Fortress) Donna Jesabella, Garreta, mother of the maids of Lambeth Marsh, with her con spicuous consort, at the three skipping Conies in the town. (a touch that) you mean the three Squirrels, you are cunning cousin Fortress, together with our most industrious servant Py thagoras Pig. Sealed with the seal at arms of our order, videlicet. Three Rooks volant in a field sanguine, two broken jugs the supporters, and a Twibill for the erst, and given the second day of this pre sent month, at our mansion royal, or place of meeting in the long gravield walks in our usual fields. Indifferent sir, but yet I have not found That rare effect ith' weapon salve you spoke of, Urinal I fear since it cured the two sergeants and their Yeomen, the virtue has been much extenuated. I have a touch of it already sir. He is unlawfully begotten sir, dares term it so, there was a touch for him cousin Fortress; I called him son of a whore, and he would take no notice of it. his mother was a witch, says this maid, so there was another touch for him cousin Fortress, son of a witch, but he un derstands not that neither. The proof of a pudding is the eating, in your teeth sir, a pudding in his teeth: you know what I mean cousin Fortress, another touch for him, but al's one, he has wit in's anger, and will not understand me. Nay we'll grant you more sir (that it will not) and yet prove it, and you shall prove your self a (so you shall.) There had been another touch for him cousin Fortress, but I feared he would have understood me now, ere you shall prove it. Very authentic this, well if the devil have taken the pains to be my surgeon, my arm I fear will be possessed, I feel and evil spirit in it already. The salve is legitimate again, Cousin Fortress, Oh rare Doctor Pish, he talks Like and Apothecary to the Doctor. There was a touch for him Cousin Fortress, victus, victa, victum, he looks Like a Schoolboy vanquished at capping for ses: hark you sir, repent your error, and in time you may be saved; you see the virtue of the salve the Doctor had dressed his Speaking weapon with it. It hurt you, and it has cured you Be beware you fallen not into a relapse: there was another touch for him Cousin Urinal, my cousin Fortress and the rest oth' Knights will be here presently; pray you prepare the music and the wine, I would not fail in the most diminute ceremony. Lady or Madamosell, Vfroe or Seniora, what you please, or in what language to be entitled the Mistress of my thoughts, the complemental garb is customary, and though I have learned by conversation with the Twibill Knights to kiss my hand, be lieve me I had rather bestow my lips on yours; our natural Dutch contracting is the best, without deceit or shadow, there we on lie go to the tavern and be ungue browd, then drunk together. Ther's all our ceremony, and 'tis lawful marriage too. Manners Lady, you mistake I've none at all; ere we will disagree about manners, I'll be as clownish as and Upland Boar, foutra, tell a Dutch man of manners? We detest that worse then the former, 'tis Papistical, and was with that religion banished our reformed Commonwealth: but to our business, pretty soul, I shall give thee touch mon and get a burger of thee. And excellent touch that, as if there could be mercy in a Dutchman, and to a woman? if there had been any, the Nuns at Tilmont had not been used so horribly last summer: why should you say you cannot love me 'tis a false touch I me certain of it, I shall know anon, till when receive your lips in pledge that no such words shall issue forth of them, adieu Lady, anon we must to the old touch of Matrimony. Cousin Fortress welcome, welcome Captain Pirke, vam liant brother's, nay gentlemen, then your accoutrements be of the vulgar cut, be not daunted, 'tis hereditary to Low Country soldiers to wear off reckonings, the time shall come the little worm shall weave, and silken tribute pay to men of service, give me your hands gentlemen, I shall be one of you anon, but Cousin F rtresse, what bashful youth is that that dares not thrust his nose out of his coat, for fear the wind should blow it to his face, would? Is this the famous offspring of great hog? we should be kindred certainly, my Ancestors were Boars, give me thy before f ot sirrah, and tell me coz, why dost not wander into a new skin? this begins to crackle vilely. Lusty sack credit me coz, 'twill give the touch, Urinal make fast the door, and leave us, and give us notice if any body approach. There was a touch for you brother Makeshift, but good little Pirke be patient. Who my coz Big, off sup off thy wash my Io, at worst thou canst but be swine-drunk; but coz, shall we dispatch? I long to be instald. And admirable touch this, what's next troe? Music you must play the Twibill dance he says, dance so while. Nay, Cousin, Gentlemen rather than you shall fallen out, I'll be content to be dubbed in my own clothes: nay pray you Gentlemen. Oh by all means Coz. Cap of Maintenance do you call it? I will maintain when this old Cap was new, 'twas a Dutch felt, but now 'tis nine degrees below a straw Hat; I do not Like this touch: but Coz I shall have my Beaver again I hope? That will be damned instantly; pray heaven my skin escape. 'Thas been shot through both the Elbows; this Mi litary Cassock has I fear, some Military hangbyes: this Twi bill Knighthood is but a lousy Order, would I had he're med led with it. I shall be whipped instantly: But Cozen Fortress, is there no redemption for my Breeches? Well, since it must be so, there take my money. Now do I look Like—as if I were new come from the Lottery: or what say you Sir Holofernes, to the Picture of the Prodigal in the painted Cloth? Sure I have now performed all the Ceremonies; if not, I me sure I have nothing else left to perform withal. I Like this drinking heartily; there's some goodness in't: will you begin, my Captain General; I'll call you so now. A place of Mark and Charge that. Altogether gentlemen, a health Musicians, found. Gentlemen all tres humblement serviture vostre: I would done you right. It my intention General: to you all in general, help Pith. let it be be two Captain, 'tis pity to put so many worthy men in a pint pot. You're wanton Captain, a wag upon my Knighthood, you mean to measure the profundity of my belly, 'twill be a hard task to do it to a Dutchman—look you Captain. This Cup was as deep as Fleetstreet Conduit. Found me my Io, I have made a new River in my Belly, and my Guts are the Pipes: Tother cup good wreckling, virtue shall be virtue still, so long as I can stand Captain. This Collar spoils my drinking, or else this Sack has horseflesh in't, it rides upon my stomach. Oh Urinal, Ime a Knight of the Twibill honest Urinal. Some more sack sirrah, I shall be married anon. More Sack sirrah, the tother touch sweet Big, the to there touch. It and unkind touch that, my Io, you might have fallen under me, it had been the fitter place for a woman, (pray help me up again. How, kill a knight of the Twibill, and in the Ensigns of his own Order, ere it shall be said to the disgrace of Knighthood, that any of the fraternity was killed by a woman, I'll do any thing: Led on, I'll follow you. 'Tis my cue now. Oh father I me here they have given me a touch, a very scurvy touch, I am a brother of the Twibills, and I am married too, but I needs not fear being a Cuckold. I and wenches too; come hither, we will be man and wife, that's certain, nay and lie together, so we will, you shall behave your self well enough Like a woman: but that you have a pe diment forbearing Children: but give me thy hand, shall's be drunk together? e tell you father, ere I went to the Church I had got a touch in the 'Crowne, the Twibil Knigh my had made me'drunke, and God my by these I know not: But would, let me see, this should be my suit, 'tis it, by vam lour it is: do you hear good man Fox, how crept you into this Lyons case? Do you jeare me, with a touch of that? hark you husband, Though I be your wife, you shall not hinder me from claiming my own Breeches. Mistress a word with you too you put a gentle touch upon me did you not? But I shall know you hereafter, I'll say no more, and touch you boldly for it. But let him marry you though if he dare, isle sue the Statute of Bigamy upon him, he shall be hanged for being double married. My wife turned a woman indeed: this is a touch indeed, I had best be gone, for fear she challenge me. But let me see and feel you better, it is no periwig this but are you my husband, a woman; wife? Thank you good Mr. Doctor, have you never a one that will eat off the wen of man hood, make all whole before that will eunuchise a man, I would aine be a Her maphrolite, or a woman to escape this match, I do not Like it Brother Urinal you are a have, brother Urinal, and have showed all a ehing touch. Sink me my oh, my own purse. Captain general, give thy hand bully, Captain Pirke, my cousin Big, and all of you; though you would have cheated me 'tis no matter, you shall dance at my wedding, and be drunk too, my Joe, you shall. This is but four Cups captain Cousin Pig. Skinke my parting Cup, and then I me gone: would! where be you Gentle men, I am not blind, or play you at Boe-peep? they are gone, this is a pretty touch, my touch my Io, with my money and Clothes, a pretier touch still, let me see, they have left some Sack behind them, there's my comfort yet. Who's this? my wife that must be. Come hither wife, thou seest the worst of me I am but drunk: Kiss me Borankee: never fear, I will not spoil thy gorget. Hark in thy ear my Io, shall I have a gentle touch? 'twill do no harm, we are to be married anon thou knowest; I shall get wise children on thee. I Like it well when it begins with drinks, 'tis a sign 'twill end merrily; this cup is abominable to little, one can scarce wet his whistle out of it, it shall be this goblet, a vostre grace, coz Fortress. My name is Sconce sir, Master Jer my Sconce, I am a gen tleman of a good family, and can derive my pedigree from Duke Alva's time, my ancestors kept the inquisition out of Am sterdam. Nay good cousin Fortress, Captain Pirke, this Urinal I could e'ne fill him to the brim with curses, but here's my agent; come where are the musicianers Urinal? Thanks good Captain Pirke, it a friendly touch that Master Doctor you wish me well I know, I have married here I know not whom, you have excellent salves and unguents sir. They be indeed very good Arithmeticians. Urinal, art thou stiled Urinal?