Early Modern Drama · Character Archetypes

MISTRESS ARTLESS

in The Hollander (Love's Trial) — Glapthorne, Henry

Metadata

PlayThe Hollander (Love's Trial)
AuthorGlapthorne, Henry
Year (catalogued)1640
First performance1636
Decade1640s
GenreComedy
Play typeBoys Professional
CompanyQueen Henrietta Maria's Men
Theaterbefore the Court;Phoenix/Cockpit;Indoor Professional
Speech prefix(es)Mris. | Mist. Art. | Mrs. Art. | Mrs. | Mist. | Mr • s. Art. | Mrr. Art.
Words620
Characters3234
Typicality0.18 (cosine to cluster centroid)
TCP idA01773
BritDrama no.2536
ClusterCluster 3 — Citizens, tradesfolk & neighbors

Important excerpts

No keyword-matching excerpt could be extracted (the cluster label doesn't share vocabulary with this character's speech).

Full speech

Greensickness take her, I thought it had been that, and then my Art Would have been requisite. I should have found Some lusty youth that would have given her physic, More powerful to expel that lazy humour Than all your Cordials: Heaven, I can but think How in this seven years, since we came to town, The Tide is turned with us: when thou Wertenberg and Inn- Keeping Apothecary in the Country, The furniture of our shop was Galley-pots, Filled with Conserve of Roses, empty Boxes, And Aquam vitae glasses: and now thou art My most admired Doctor, walkest in Satin, And in plush, my heart. You will grant I hope And equal share to me? Was it not I That first advised you to set up a School For Female vaulters, and within pretence Of giving Physic, give them and overplus To their disease. How much this has conduced To our advancement, forgetfulness it self Cannot deny. I, this is he Thomas do you see what a terrible thing he has God? was that fit to use to a woman? I was but laid in the next room, to sleep, and he would have done something to me so he would had not I been the honester woman. Now I desie thee for a Rascal Urinal why run you not to the Justice, his man would have taken your money ere this time. Yes indeed may you master Sconce, have you not seen her yet? 'tis a pretty puling baggage, so it is, marry ere I would make her a Lady, she should be a new Exchage wench, your Citizens wives they are the goodest creatures, live the finest lives. Certainly sir, were you of English blood, I should Like you better. Here comes the Ladies: Mistress Mixum we'll de partly, they must not know our conference. Well said mi x, you will not have him: but you had best consider and do as I and your father would have you: or you shall trudge for it, you shall be his wife. He will not be drunk on's wedding night I hope; my daughter would have a sweet bedfellow of him, if he should. They will have more stomachs to their beds then to their suppers. Hang him young whistling, he know a Lady, pity of his life first. Perhaps he'll speak to us: see kind gentleman. Nay let her choose and be hanged, proud baggage who will refuse a gentleman of my own choosing, but I'll send him to you and see if thou darest deny him, for thy life, come Mistress Mixum. And why not; 'tis and ancient Church, and all old things must not be cast away there has been many and honest couple given to the lawful bed there, so there has. Your wife, your whore she is as soon, she is Master Sconces wife, and that you shall find, so you shall, let me come to the baggage husband, her eyes out. Very well: That fortnight they've been here, I have observed From them not the least relish of distaste; The Lady and her sister are so good Themselves, their innocence cannot mistrust Ill in another, specially in us, Who do assume that formal gravity Might dash prying eyes: But is the sister Cured of her Ague perfectly? Well, that is, be secret, insooth husband, the young man will be very good at a dead lift, to serve our patients turns, he has a promising countenance. No go to the next Justice for a warrant, and make haste, be sure I'll have the knave smoked for abusing my house. Nay, since you say it, it must be so. Motion it to him Mrs. Mixum.

Plot summary

Plot — The Hollander (Love's Trial)
Dr Artless has grown rich by taking in resident lady patients, and is concerned that his house should keep its good name. One of his current guests has a jealous husband, Sir Martin Yellow, who believes the house is really a place of assignation, and sends his nephew Popinjay there in search of evidence. Popinjay meets Artless’s daughter, Dalinea, and falls in love. Meanwhile, the apothecary Mixum has sent Artless a young man, Sconce, as a potential son-in-law; Artless is unconcerned that he is a fool because he is also rich. Sconce’s main preoccupation is with Mixum’s weapon-salve which will cure any wound if applied to the weapon that made it. When Sir Martin wounds him in a jealous rage, he takes away Sir Martin’s sword but finds the salve ineffectual and concludes that there must be something wrong with his blood. Another visitor to Artless’s house is Freewit, a suitor to Mistress Know-worth, but she breaks up with him, having heard from Lovering, her servant, that he has slept with the servant-girl Martha and got her pregnant. When he proves reluctant to marry Martha, Mistress Know-worth gives him an alternative: she will consider his suit if he can persuade Martha to release him from his prior obligation. Artless’s servant Urinal offers to prove to Sir Martin that Lady Yellow is chaste: he is to visit his wife in her bedroom, incognito, while the rest of the household is out at Dalinea’s wedding. The problem is that Dalinea doesn’t want to marry Sconce, to her parents’ annoyance. Sconce is interested in the order of the Knights of the Twibill, which allows its members to marry but will not admit anyone who is already married; he is duly determined to be inducted before his marriage. The ceremony requires him to drink heavily and remove his clothes; but the arrival of a constable causes the Twibills to break it off before it is finished, and Sconce is left without his clothes. Dalinea appears to change her mind about Sconce and goes off to marry him alongside another couple. When they return, however, it emerges that there has been some confusion of identity: Dalinea has married Popinjay, dressed in Sconce’s clothes (acquired by Urinal from the Twibills), while the other couple turn out to be Lovering and the drunken Sconce, cross-dressed as a woman. Lovering, moreover, is really Martha (so the marriage to Sconce is valid after all), inveigled into Mistress Know-worth’s service to test her loyalty to Freewit by giving him the undeserved reputation of…