ARTLESS

The Spring Does not produce and Ague but for Physic, She's cured, and only does expect her sister, The Lady Yellow, otherwise I fear We should not have her company. Applaud my wit that has effected it. Nor will I, my deer associate, I have now Achieved a wealth sufficient to procure My self a license, though the murmuring Doctors That do not bite-back it, though they watch All opportunities that may undo My estimation: we must therefore arm Our selves with circumspective care: be sure Those virtuous gentle women, who are now Domestic guests, have no cause to suspect A misdemeanour here, nor that, our daughter, A virgin could as morning air or Ice. So timorous of society, that she seems Neglectful of mankind, be exposed to every common eye, Frequents our house, we must be politic, wise, or our state, Will soon embrace a ruin. My name is Artless Your name is Urinal, I take it? Doubt not good Urinal, if thou be'st not cracked canst thou hold water. I believe thee, but did Tom Mixum give you nought in charge to say to me? Sayest so, what is he; knowest thou? Now you are in't perhaps it is, what mean you? There is one in the garden sir. What abuse may this be? Perhaps your most officious pander That for a shilling will betray his sister to prostitution; did mistake, be gone, or I shall Fetch a gentleman will whip your hight blood out of you. Impudence I think, beyond my own rests in this youth, I must find out his meaning; 'tis perchance some one Sent from her jealous husband, whom she told me, In discontent was traveled prithee wife go in, and tell the Lady Yellow, here is one wishes the knowledge of her. Do as I bid you: Urinal attend your mistress in. Sir, the unevil language you have given me, Might justly stir a passionate man to rage; But it no morestirs me then the light wind, If you've relation to the Lady Yellow: She's one who e virtues merit that respect, Twould be a stain to manners not to use the meanest of her Friends with endue regard: pray sir what is she to you? 'Tis a misconceit, I me sorry for her sake (whom I esteem So chased, the pure untainted Doves may envy Her unstained whiteness) should be cast upon My innocent house, expect I'll send her to you, shee'l shape you Just answer, would she were as they suspect her. I'll cut off their discourse, if be right isle have my benefit out of her: Dalinea attend her Ladyship, Madam I fear you take cold here, your Sister, Mistress Know worth expects you too within; Gentlewoman you cannot complain you have been used uncivilly; pray now depart, 'tis time. I, do your pleasure sir, the small Riveret Does in its cold waves, seem to drench the sun (When liks a riotous drunkard) his hight rays Sucks up the pea lie waters, if this Lady We are in her breast, the burning spots of lust, They shall increase, and Like the Stars, light her soul To the firmament of pleasure. The business sirrah? Is this he? would you have ought with me sir? Honest Tom Mixum, you are welcome; what's your de sign with me? And you perhaps Iabor of some disease, And come to seek for remedy, I can As Gallen or Hippocrates, read a lecture, On maladies, their causes and effects, Tell by the countenance of a man, the ill oppresses him, You by that altitude of your horoscope, Should be subject to Calentures. With licence sir, let me desire your character, I long to know you, Symptoms of worth declare you in my opinion noble. And admirable project. Pray sir what tribe was he of? May I request your name? That should have been before they came there Master Sconce. Have you no brother's Mr. Sconce? But the business you have with me is unrelated yet, and I have haste, pray what may it concern? If that be all, for Tom Mixums sake, were chambers scar r, you should not be denied. Urinal bring the gentleman into the dining room, I'll go acquaint my wife with it. Tom Mixum I thank thee for the man Thou settest me; 'tis a most serviceable knave; I have set him to pull you bird of Paradise, you parcel Dutch: thou sentest him hither too. It will, indeed, now I consider on't, I had rather she should marry a wealthy gull, than a witty Beggar: Wife and Mr. Mixum, will you discourse a little with the gentleman, found his intent and proneness to a match, and as you find him use him; Mr. Sconce I should be glad to wait on you, did not ur gent affairs withdraw me. Another time sweet Mr. Sconce. Doubt it not good sir Martime. Son Sconce (I'm bold to call you so) how do's your at me? It your ill dressing the weapon: give me your sword son, this is of the right salve the welsh Doctor makes, this shall save my credit. (Anoints the weapon.) Now Urinal take this weapon, lap it warm in linen clothes, and lock it in my son, your anguish son will soon be mitigated. But pray sir, why should it be unlawful? Conceive you this to be compounded so? All this is granted it'll. Sir, you speak reason, I must confess, but every cause Works not the same way; 'we distinguish thus: Some by a Physical and real touch Produce: So Carvers hewing the rough Marble, Frame a well polished statue: but there is A virtual contact too: which other causes Employ in acting their more rare effects, So the bright Sun does in the solid earth, By the infusive virtue of his rays, Convert the for did substance of the mould To Mines of mettle, and the piercing air By cold reflection so engenders Ice; And yet you cannot say the chilly hand Of air, or quickening fingers of the Sun, Really touch the water or the earth. The Loadstone so by operative force, Causes the Iron which has felt his touch, To attract another Iron; nay, the Needle Of the ship guiding compass, to respect The cold Pole Arctic; just so the salve works, Certain hidden causes convey its powerful Virtue to the wound from the anointed Weapon, and reduce it to welcome soundness. You mistake, it does not, 'Tis the blood sticking to the sword achieves The cure: there is a real sympathy Betwixt it, and that which has the juice of life, Moistens the body wounded. So please your Ladyship we had even done. I am glad she's come to rescue me. 'TIS a strange humour Madam, and condemns Your judgement of much indiscretion, Did I not know it lawful; nay no way But that for the recovery of your health, I should not urge it thus, you are lately fallen Into a desperate melancholy, and your blood Can no way purge so well as by Performance of what I have declared. Oh my son Sconce, come hither Urinal. Madam 'tis best to leave him, I fear he's absolutely fran tick; Urinal look to him, least he act some violence on him self, please your Ladyship withdraw. This stealth was unexpected, 'tis almost Beyond belief, my daughter should thus change Her perverse humour, and embrace his love Which when I motioned to her, the dark shade Seemed not a greater enemy to blessed light Than she appeared to it: and that she should Cousin my Hope's, and without me her mother, Or any friend resign her will to his, And strike the match up, puzzles my best faith, Though I rejoice at it. who are they of our knowledge? Is't possible? it some lie policy of her Uncle's to bring her hither, Master Lovering knew her before it seems. 'Tis nine a clock at least: 'twill not belong ere they re turn, wife pray go in and see all things in readiness for their lodgings. To morrow we'll celebrate their nuptial feast: Urinal be you careful of the doors let none come in but our own company. Have I not plotted finely? has my brain not wone the laurel garland the fa worser breath That wafts the honour of deserving wits Among the humorous multitude (as As it speaks conquering triumphs) shall proelaime My politic merit, who have raised my self From worse then no name in the judging world, To and indifferent wealth, which though we g to By ways sinister, such as err from truth: Nay might incur a punishment no eyes Has ere discerned them, but with wonder how I should achieve such fortune, now complete In this alliance. Your good Ladyship (I hope) will honour me so much As for and hour to dispense with rest And see my bride in bed. My daughter Ladies, that to me And all the house seemed so averse from marriage, Is this night stolen forth with younker Sconce, And is by this time wedded to him. You may both credit it, instantly they will return, and Then I'll wait upon you. You are not a cunning baggager you would none forsooth when I proposed it to you; but when the fit came on you, you could then run madding, and never let the Sexton ring the Bell to give us notice: had it been any one but Mr. Sconce, you should have fought a portion; but since to him, we pardon it: take her son, heavens give thee joy of her. Mr. Popingaies. Sir Nephew! I am abused, undone, my daughter's cousend Urinal, a put on me, Mr. Popingay to wed my daughter. he sh ll enjoy her, I'll spend the best partly of my wealth he shall not have a penny portion with her, depart my house I charge you urinal call in my neighbours, ere he used thus Thou wilt not betray me villain? Plots upon plots against me. Is it even so? well since I am overreached. Better fit down in peace, than with disgrace: Mr. Popingay consideration of your just desert, Now his persuasion has suppressed my heat, Enjoins me to forgive your loving theft Accept my daughter with as good a heart As she is mine: come hither wife, say you so too? Now you name, where is Mr. Sconce? Sir, what means this ecstasy? They are at your service all. Who's this, Sir M tin, what do you mean sir? Take it. Thus all are pleased I hope: what this night cannot (For celebration of these feasts) perform, To morrow shall, and from this I Renown e all ways sinister to get Things that ith' p riod prosperously succeed, Though crossed before, are acted well indeed. H Owe do these new Guests Like us?