ILL REPORT

¶Gogges wounds more Cheers yet. I must cheer abroad, and you in Cheer must fit, ¶Gogges wounds thou liest I trow, Such gifts be very rare, ¶How say you now my masters all, Think you my Dads not light, If you mark him, he is indeed, To dancing trimly plighted, I dare now swear a thousand oaths, And eake as many more, You never saw such a one behind, As my Dad is before. But Dad what would you have me to do herein. ¶Why slave beginnest thou to rail, Farewell with a pestilence, I would thou hadst kissed my tail, ¶Gogges wounds who would be used after such a sort. Without my help thou syttest like a Whelp, And knowest not what to do, And yet like a slave thou callest me slave, and crooked villain to, ¶Am I not a jolly fellow, it is seen by my progeny, That my ancient stock is of great antiquity, How old it is none of you all can tell, Seven years elder at the least then is that Devil of Hell, Evil Report marry he is a jolly man, and had in such a price, That no man lives now adays, but will him excercise. Well the charge I have, eke one of you do know, In accomplishing of the same, my diligence I will show, The policy of the Devil, the envy he does bear, The man he seeks to overthrow, all such as God does fear, Is marvelous in faith, think you his foresight is not strange, Mark well my tale and you shall see, how his devise does change There is in all this Babylon, but one that he does spy, That fears God, and eke my Dad in all his works defy. Her hath he sought by pride at First to blind her youthful heart, Tush, tush, she was and is so meek, he sped not in that partly, Then did he seek by gluttony to blind her fancies to, Her sober diet him deceived, and did that quite subdue, Then knowing that all women are given much to envied string, To force her have and envious heart, right many cause did bring, But she Like one not of this world, but Like a very fool, Did arm her self with patience, till every cause did cool, But here you wives, I would not wish that you should take her partly, But if your husbands anger you, beshrew their crooked heart, Well to my matter yet again, he sets his servant sloth, To follow her with sugared steps, in every place she goes. But busy Susan envies the Devil and all he doth, As she withstands sloth and his steps, in despite of his tooth. And that you Maids full well do know, sloth with his drowsy head, Is able to do much with you, when you are laid in bed, For you had rather serve the Devil, or what he will devise, Then leave your bed in winter morn, when hoary frosts arise, He gave her Gold then at her will, to make her covetous, She takes it but for needful use, or else does it despise, And yet with Gold my Dad hath God, a thousand old men's souls, As well of them wear bloody gowns, as such as shear their noules, But now my Dad nor all these things, are able to prevail, With filthy lusts of fleshly men, means her to assail, And such they be shall her entice, to do that pleasant deed, As shall prevail I tell you true, by force or else by meed, And when that they have God their wills, and so have wrought her shame My self will blow the leaden Trump of cruel slanderous fame, Lo thus my Dad I please I trow, and thus my nature show, Thus shall each man my power and might in every corner blow, And say that though the Devil himself, could not tempt Susans grace The wit of Master Ill Report hath her and it defaced, O goodly wit, o noble brain, whence comes this deuyce. ¶You lie like crafty knaves Both, God speed so carterly to him you never see before, For you and your speed, a stinking turde for you both, Gogges blood were you brought up at the cart, To break a men tale in such sort, now I beshrew your heart, ¶And though I can, what is that to Thee, ¶Nay soft masters a while, it is a condition, That never yet was used, by expert Physician, His Patient or Cure to practice to heal, Before his disease he know very well, And therefore I say your secrets descry, Or else for your help I cannot apply. ¶And what is the cause of your weakness, ¶And for thy fair words, I will help Thee if I can, But those that stand by will think it to strange, That I unto health your sickness should change. And business at this time does call me away, And therefore farewell till another day. ¶ oh shall you sir but I must First provide, Such things as the cause of your groefes do desyde. And since you will not pack I must be gone, For my confections I always make alone, And none of you both to provide my trumpery, Have not the wit to offer me money, And I being shamefast the same cannot crave, Lo you will have help, and I nought shall have. ¶In women's gear I am alone, it is my whole delight, And I will help you in that case, be it wrong or right, ¶And We us with Bacchus for wine, and Ceres for Corn, Is always cold, and thou burnest after a horn. ¶Thine own words in such sort go. Didst not thou say to me even now man, That thou waste in love, and could not get thy shoes on. ¶Who sir, the country hath no pear a, And is not a Neats feather I pray Thee a, Better to pull on thy shoes a, Then to pull them on with thy fingers end a. ¶O o, Est nomen Mulieris, And you would have, tactus ipsius ventris. You love well Salmon of the meses, For a woman's belly your diet does please, But if you mean to have my help, to fortefy your fort, All that I can do is, to give her and ill Report By which means if you prove, and cannot speed, That she desires you, the peoples cares I will eede, Whereby, and by your demure countenaunc , You shall by love or fear, obtain your desired worser lyaunce. ¶By my troth you say very well, for so do the common sort, in recompense of a good turn, give and ill report. Well g to you packing to dinner, and when you find her alone, Speed your purpose if you may, and let me alone. For I will cloak your doings, and hers shall be the blame, You shall do the fault, and she shall have the shame, Well once again adue. ¶In my best petticoat, Is there a hold, My sister burned it with a coal A skean of silk Will not make it whole, will you by any sand mistress. Now I desire The pox and wild fire, And all the plagues of Hell, May recompense his meed That first wrought this deed To give me this bell. Ill Report is a crier, Ring Bell. And a common liar. As every Knave say now: In faith I was and honest man, But I cannot tell when, Come sport me to you. is it not pretty gear, That I must spend and wear, My Shoes in this sort, And trot about the country, Upon my ten toed Palfrey It is a pretty sport. Know you not Joachims wife, it is a piece with a mischief, She must have two at ones: There is never a wench here. But in her best gear, Would have flesh without bones Why, why, do you wink, Shame to you that shame think, it is but your kind: So you may do it covertly, And cloak it honestly, You care not where you find. well I would master gailer would come Then shall all and some, Know the cause of my coming: it is as I fear, For other manner of gear, Then for masking or mumming. ¶Help me up. ¶Yea Sir, Vinegar and Mustard both is good for beet. ¶Gogs wou ̄ ds knave thou shit ̄ slave, hast thou none to check but me I am and honest man, prove it he that can, I will not be judged by thee ¶What haste thou learned that Lesson now? Had you learned it sooner, it had be better for you. ¶Stand forth Voluptas, and answer for thy self, ¶O wicked seed of Canaan, and not of Juda kind, ¶Come of with the mischief, Is it now more grief, For you two to die: Then other you thought, Whom you accused for nought, Marry fie for shame fie. Be of good cheer, You shall be passed fear, Within this half hour: Much good do your hearts, That thus do take parts, In every stower. They that shall spy, You Judges to die, For transgressing the law, Shall say that by might, In steed of good right, You kept men in awe. Now hold up your hands, And receive your bands, Now throw on your stones, And there is for me, One as much as three, Shall break all their bones. ¶Are you ready yet? ¶A Judge Knave thou seest, I am the very same. I am had in great price, both in City and in town, I am a Magistrate, dost not see by my gown. ¶Gogs wounds knave, & vild knave to, dost thou speak blasphemy I am as honest a man, as is in all this country. And for the antiquity of the house I was born in, Was a famous house before thou was herd of, or any of thy kin. And thou dost not well to use me in this sort. ¶My name is master Ill Report in deed, ¶My good fellow, why what is thy name, ¶Gogs wounds, Cousin Hugh Report, how the Devil met we here, I think thou sawest not William Report this seven year, Me thought by thy speech, we should be acquainted, Though prolixity of time thy Visage had tainted. O Cousin Hugh why good Cousin Hugh take it in good partly, That I fawn thus on Thee, for I love Thee with all my heart. ¶O Cousin Hugh it grieves me thou wantest learning, & art so pretty a man I will tell Thee fool, how thy name is Hugh, and mine William, Though thou knowest it not thy self, I may not much blame Thee, It is so long ago since thou waste in my country. His no Letter, but and asperation, Which may be left out in many a fashion. Helin with and H, hark and be attentive, Or Elin without and H, is not offensyue. So whither the H be put in, or the H be left out, The word stands indifferent, this is no doubt, Now take the H from thy name, then it stands like and Ewe, And some friend hath put in Tr, and so calls Thee true, As by a familyer example, I know a false knave or two, That are Ostler's in Inns, yet men call them true, Therefore leave of Tragayne, fie man for shame, And be called Hugh again, for that is thy Christian name, And now to my own name, first we are children & then grow to men And Will for William is herd often then, And Children at First when they learn to prattle, In steed of Will, do ill often tattle, Thus being young, and called Ill for Will, Men for a custom do call me so still, And it contents me well to hear the same, Because for my purpose it often does frame, And I my self did never seek it to amend, Because by good learning I can it defend, Aphaeresis is a figure which Latinestes use, And Apocope another which they will not refuse. The one from the beginning of a word a sillable may cut, The other from the end, another may shut. Now betwixt Aphaeresis and Appocope you may see full plain, That Ill for William is used without shame, Lo thus do you see that we both have take maims, By figurative calling of our Christian names, But as for that kindreds do not always agree, In their Christian names, as every man does see. But in the sir name consanguinity does grow, And so every kinsman his kinsman does know, As Thomson to Thomson, and so in in like sort, gentle master William, thou Hugh Report. ¶Nay by the mass then have I ill luck, If words will not serve I will fight a pluck. ¶Why Knave wilt thou choke me? ¶Yet for pity sake, let me First say my Pater noster. ¶Now by my Father's soul thou art and h nest man, And since thou dost so gently that time to me give, I will not say my Pater noster, while I have a day to live, And if you shall at any time hear that I so do, Then hang me hardly and draw me to. ¶See the Knave himself can now call me William. I faith Cousin True, I shall but prepare your way, Your self will be hanged to another day. ¶ Oh yes. All manner traitors, That are yeomen f utours, That lead Dogs in band, Do stop well your nose, For fear of the pose, And give me your hand. And if you cannot smell, Then are you not well, For reasons by Jesu: Will do you small good, But change your good blood, To stinking ywis. But if you be guilty, With order of necessity, By shyting so thin: Then get you away, And that straight way, And to cleanse you begin. ¶Why man I know not my self. ¶No by my troth Sirs in no condition, ¶Marry sir and I am glad that such gum S es I have found, For the law say plainly thus, look what a man does give, Is irrecompensible sure, so long as God does live. But you shall have your come again so soon as God is dead, Or else take all my Lands and goods, and also take this head, Till then my masters record bear, what you do hear and see, These gentlemen do both confess, that they did give it me. ¶Why fool though I know not Physic I know a conny. ¶What quoth he, now by this day, I think Thee mad to be, How say you all, within this Hall, What Knave more crookte then he, Why you shitten slave, you crookte nose knave, What are thy wits now passed, What moved Thee with Ill Report, To call in such a haste. ¶Oh Thief. ¶Oh Knave. ¶Though you judge me scant worth to be a proctor, Mark me well now, and I will play the Doctor. Amor vincit omniam, I nose cedamas Amori, Love overcometh every thing, love can eke Mount remove, The Gods of old, and every man are subject unto love ¶Res est Solicia, Plenam ten oris amor, How say you my masters this is good clamor Love hath a pleasure in it self, yet love is full of fear, Love helps and it does harm a man, love is not this good gear, Love from the Senses of a man can steal away the might, Love can make mad the mind of man, and love can blind the sight, But is not he a jolly man that love can so subdue, As he can loose it when he list, and it again renew, ¶At your commandment sir, First I must stoop for my reward, And then run at a beck, no that were to harden. You know where to have me, get you hence for a space, And within a day or two return to this place, And then for your health here shall nothing be lacking, Tarry no longer, go hence and be packing. ¶Yea. ¶And in so doing, you do but well, ¶And with you to. ¶And with you to, with all my fart. ¶Ah syrra, I think this hour well spended, The lining of my purse is very well amended. I might do little if I could not talk, Sing how liberally their hands do walk. Judge what I will do for this ten pound, Teach them a way themselves to confound. For these are the two that Susan shall prove, By all manner means to cool their hose love, And if they obtain what get they than, A Tabernacle forsooth with my Dad Satan. and if they do not, but she it descry, The rygor of Law shall force them to die. Lo thus you do see I have gone the device, That Mistress Susan shall soar entice. Send them good luck Dad be thou their speed, And grant that with shame they may end for their meed, And thus because things do grow fast upon, Farewell my masters I will be gone. ¶Betwixt Dover and Kenned, Except I misu nt, Is miles five and dirty, Betwixt London and Powles, Are cods headed nowles, A shameful company, Betwixt Fressingfield & feversham ̄ , And Norwich and Ludham, A mile and a half, Betwixt Dunington and Dawbny If you will believe me, Is a Cow and a Calf, At ramlingtowne Steeple, Amongst all the people, Are Oysters to fell. At the sign of the Blow, Is a very fair Sow, I know her by the smell. At Baddingham Kay, A woman harden say, Lay ships at and Anchor: The best read wine. That ever drank swine, at the sign of the Tanker, On shooters hill, Is such a Wyndmill. To grind Gonpowder withal as old women's bones, Are saved for the nonce, To keep work withal. Who Robin who, How far wilt thou go, From Rommey to Room, Well it makes no matter, Who can lie and flatter, May come again soon. Why what kind of weather, Did bring me hither, Or what make I here: Examine me well, For I cannot tell, Is not this good gear, Well even like a mome, I must pack and be gone, To one place or other, My Dad is so black, That what I do lack, I ask of my mother. ¶Marry Sir a woman. ¶Why sir are you a woman, and have a man to your Dame. ¶In faith sir she can do you no pleasure, for she goes with crooches. ¶Marry my Dame sir her A see is not well. For she had a vengeance boat pain between her legs, And her Surgeon hath magmed her with driving in pegs. ¶B my Father's soul sir I know not the same, But yet I will talk like a master of art, Though my chief erudition hath be at the Cart, Twert I fa de Redding any Portsmouth, You shall find my name I tell you forsooth. ¶Why whither I be friendly or no, in faith thou art foolish, And mad to I think, that understandest not English, Take the First Syllable of these Towns three, A worser what my name is thou shalt plainly see. ¶Give me thy hand my friend, I swear by my Dad and Lord, Thou art arse honest a man, as is in the un arshole world. Thou l vest me, and thou love me, and I love Thee, and I love Thee, And is not Ill Report Voluptuousness, and Sensuality, A glorious and blessed trinity, a pestilence on you both, ¶Why Knave dost thou check me in such a sort. ¶Must not a common wealth, Be needs in good health, That have such Rulers, They are sick of the sweat, And to avoid their heat, They must have coolers, They must needs speed well, That know I come from hell, And seek mine advice, Well do them not blame, For to open shame, I will them intyce. And so at the last, I shall bring to pass My Father's desire, For Susan or the Judge, To please his old grudge, Shall burn in his fire, What seance Knave seance, Hold thy tongue and be peace, What is he comes here, It is Joachim alas, I will be gone by the Mass, It is he that I fear. ¶What swear not fellow, it is not and hour ago, Since we were both Knaves, the people sayeth so. But what business haste thou to do? ¶And worthy to I make God avow, but what ill luck had I, That could not get grant, to hunt in her haunt before that she die. Dispatch I pray Thee, for yonder I see, the Judges are coming, And therefore take pain, I say once again, let us do something. ¶Susanna. ¶Come on you Knave, thou bawdy wretch, I hope to have thy coat, And for exchange thereof thou shalt be strangled in a rope. Marry sir a bloody gown upon my back, will make me look a hie, And then that I am Ill Report, no worldly man can spy. ¶Now the world is rid of a couple of Knaves we see, ¶Nay, nay, my friend and brother, A Knave is one, and you another. I could but marvel of the words they did speak. Before they did die, and whence they did break. ¶Hanging quoth a, marry I trust or I die, To see thy good face hang full hie. ¶Who, who, Devil who, How does the world go, Must Ill Report die: No no, I trow, The world goes not so, Then all were awry. For neither of Prince nor King, Nor of any other thing, But my tongue shall walk, The proudest of them all, Shall not give me such a fallen, Or shall let me to talk. ¶I beshrew your heart, you smell of learning, This Knave hath be at Oxford, I give you warning, In Buccardo (quoth you) I swear by saint Meg. Once was I there a year fast tied by the leg, And at my coming forth I escaped a check, That had not heels helped hands, my ar had break my neck. ¶Dad dost thou put the matter to my ordering? ¶Who there Dad we have blessings enough, And ten thousand more then I give unto you, And when it shall please you, you may be packing, For in me I warrant you nought shall be lacking. ¶And farewell Dad with a vengeance. ¶Here my Lord, here is Sensualitas. ¶Soft swift not friends so soon,